Sexual Ignorance
A few years back I was indulging in drunken conversation with a lady friend when inevitably the subject matter turned to sex, and in particular, our favourite things to get up to in the bedroom. Having confessed to enjoying having her nipples lightly bitten, her labia being stroked with lace and to loving the sensation of frozen peas being pushed against her pulsating pussy, Melody was eager for me to regale tales of what I had got up to the bedroom and what I enjoyed the most. For the next half hour or so, I went into great detail of what had really got me going between the sheets, and mentioned the following:

Beetroot Enema – I had first tried this at the tender age of 16 with my first proper girlfriend, an 18 year old gypsy girl named Rosie, who was born an hermaphrodite. She would blend up 4 or 5 beetroot, mix in some ginger, and then induce the liquefied goodness into my rectum using a hose pipe and a bike pump. Then slightly burning sensation was, well, sensational, and in no time my burping worm would be engorged and ready for action. I explained to Melody that I had indulged in beetroot enemas a fair few times since.

The Lizard – Wendy Halflove, the girl I left Rosie for, suffered from extreme psoriasis. Nothing gave her greater pleasure than me rubbing a pumice stone all over her naked body. Her toes would curl, and she would dig her fingernails into my shoulders as she came; I wouldn’t even have to enter her, it was the pumice that did all the work. This made sex less of a chore for me; I would merely have a wank once she was ‘finished’. However, I would be covered in flaky skin at the time, resembling a giant lizard. I have always made sure I have pumice in my top drawer since. Melody seemed confused by this but I carried on....

Floater – Quite simple really, I had some great experiences with a 24 stone gothic woman named Medusa. I would take a bath, and she would squat on the side and defecate into the water. The thing that turned me on the most was watching the foul faeces leave her; it was the way her buttocks would slowly separate and the brown goodness would appear, like a tiny mole poking its head out of the ground. I would listen intently and she strained and lay back blissfully as another bog-trout joined me for a swim. Medusa also introduced me to the wonderful world of sploshing, although sometimes the sessions would be cut short and she seemed to have an overwhelming urge to eat most of the food.

Month-OId Water Balloon – This is something that really got one of my exes horny. I had dated Abigail when I was 20 and at the time it didn’t do anything for me, but since I have had many a wank about it. For one month, I knew that every morning would begin with a blow job. First though, I was made to go for a piss, but not shake off much of the excess. Abigail loved it when my foreskin retracted and a few droplets of urine escaped and trickled down my shaft. She would then work me into a frenzy with her mouth, using her hand to aid the process. I was under strict orders to ejaculate into her mouth, which I did. She would then spit the contents of her mouth into a small sandwich bag, put an elastic band on it to seal, and place under her bed. She did this every days, for 30 days, until she had enough of my putrid spunk in the bag for the next stage of her fetish. This simply involved me throwing the bag at her so the contents would explode all over her. By now, Melody was looking perplexed.

The Matisse – Denise Glover, a 40-something I picked up one night at my local introduced felt pens to my nocturnal activities. We would draw pictures on one another’s intimate areas with the pens; it was fantastic foreplay. I remember drawing a face on each of her breasts once, using her hardened nipple as the nose. Denise would write naughty words such as ‘cock’ on my stomach, and then draw an arrow to my actual cock. Alongside this, she would write poems about what she was going to do with it. It was great fun, although I was caused great embarrassment in a public toilet one time, when the gentleman next to me spotted my fluorescent orange bellend which I had forgot to clean. After sex, we would clean the filthy words off each other in the shower, which often resulted in more sex. This led to more foreplay, and the felt pens would come out again. It was a vicious circle; we once had sex for 72 hours non-stop.

I looked at Melody, having poured out my most personal sexual experiences. “Have you tried any of them?”, I asked. Melody looked dumbstruck, and her jaw dropped a little.

“Erm, no”, she wimpered.

No?! No?! I couldn’t believe it! She’d never even heard of the sexual practices I’d mentioned, despite being sexually active herself! What an amazing display of ignorance on her part.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 14:54, 11 replies)

Good lord

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 15:25, closed)

Spacedocking
You'd like spacedocking. Its where you use a frozen turd as a dildo. Don't ask me how I know this.
(animal252 last activated his kitten hammer on, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 15:30, closed)

christ
how do I know this
( valoukh newsgash.wordpress.com, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 15:59, closed)

I heard that was called iglooing

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 16:23, closed)

Ever since I head of this practice
I have been unable to enjoy 'Space Truckin'' by Deep Purple in quite the same way.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 17:05, closed)

Christ...
What is wrong with you? :-S
( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 15:59, closed)

You
Had sex for 72 hours non stop? :O, wow I managed about 6-7 (exaggeration) once and my cock looked like a broken very red arrow, it was intensely painfull for days....Your old boy must have resembled a frazzle :\
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 17:00, closed)

The irony is so deep I can't even see it.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 18:29, closed)

This..
Has brightened an otherwise boring Saturday morning!
( fagilliD Fuck I'm good!, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 1:34, closed)