School orchestra comedy act. Or is it?
Apologies for length. Second thoughts my dad never apologiesed for anything so neither shall i!
My dear old dad was a funny 'un. He was always smiling, telling some stupid or rude joke or singing some rude song (that if being sung in the earshot of someone he considered too young to hear rude lyrics he edited spur of the moment) he really was a joker. He also came out with inappropriate comments at the worst times.

Inappropriate occasion #1.
at a school achievement evening where parents gathered around the stage and watched the head teacher distribute certificates to those who did well that year my parents sat in the audience to watch my sister get her certificates for outstanding performance. Other contributions to the evening were a short comedy sketch curtesy of gcse drama dept. Also a performance by the school orchestra. There sit my parents enjoying their evening my dad chuckling away to the comedy sketch. Then starts the orchestra. My school orchestra were not talented. Maybe some of the members if playing solo would have been passable but together they were awful. God awful. Out of tune, out of time really outstandingly bad. The audience is embarrassed. How to react to this, clearly what the school thinks of with pride is being seen by the parents as the worst performance ever, what happened to the music lessons they paid for??? The end of the "music" finally arrives and no one is sure what to do, some scattered clapping. My dad however still thinks it's part of the comedy sketch from earlier (I mean you could only play that badly on purpose surely? It couldn't have been a serious attempt!) he stands up laughing and clapping shouting about how great it was by far the funniest thing he had seen in ages! He receives some odd looks before he sits down still chuckling. At that point my mum tells him that that wasn't the comedy sketch. My dad then loudly proclaims that he doesn't care it was still bloody hilarious.

Occasion #2

In an Indian airport during the early 80s he was at customs with his duty free. Next to him at the desk was a German couple (my dad hated Germans 'cos of the war (sorry Germans but I'm afraid you did bomb his aunties chip shop and for that you will never be forgiven!)). He see the couple finish their business and pick up their duty free bag to leave and realises that the bag the gentleman is holding is in fact my dads!
Dad: excuse me, that's my duty-free.
German : nein nein mine heir ich mine.
Dad: no it's mine.
German nein. Ich mine.
D: no it's mine! I can see what's in it and its definitely mine!! Give it back!
G: (some German beyond my dads comprehension)! Ich mine!!!
At this point the German is ( as my dad put it) "smiling all over his kraut face and hugging MY duty-free to his chest!"
G: ich mine, mien heir!
My dad grabs his expensive looking jacket collar and headbutts him in the face. (plump German woman jumping up and down like a rubber ball at this point)
The shocked bleeding German gent jabbers some German and points to the floor where sits my dads duty free untouched where he left it. My dads reaction? An apology? No. Through gritted teeth he snarls "well it looked like mine"

Oh dad. You idiot.

And this goes to prove that we really are like our parents.
At my uncles funeral (I must have been about 4) the pall bearers put the open casket coffin containing uncle on to a trolley type thing for the duration of the service. I loudly giggle and pipe up "look at uncle les in the wheel barrow with all the flowers on him!" my dad thinks this is hilarious as does mum my deceased uncles sister and even my deceased uncle would have wet himself with laughter at this. Tutts and shaken heads from the other side of the church. Ah well I expect I'll end up coming out with more tactless and inappropriate comments soon enough.
(WineSoaked_Hedgehog If in danger or doubt, lose control, flap about, Fri 4 Nov 2011, 16:50, Reply)