Oooooooh Pooooo!!!!!!
In a semi pissed state while in the throes of passion telling my girlfriend at the time that her mum liked taking it up the shitter and was much better in bed, so fucking wrong!!! end of that relationship.
(raith50, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 17:43, Reply)

I work in the chemical stores department of a university.
We had a mad rush, and ran out of Tantalum, Carbon, Thallium, Einsteinium (always running out that one and Sulphur.

Then the (rather attractive) young blonde Austrian chemistry professor came in, and she was horrified, as I'd forgotten that the only thing concealing my modesty was her naked sister.
(speedevil, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 17:31, 1 reply)

Sherlock
A friend of my father is a true master of Tactless. He is well known for his ability to kill a room of conversation with a single remark, and damn proud of it too.

His best to date was at a particularly stuffy and pretentious media works do. Standing with a large group of people droning on about their lives, he saw his opportunity and took it.....

Woman 1: "Unfortunately, I lost my husband last year."

Sherlock: "Well that was careless"

The stunned silence remained unbroken as Sherlock calmly turned 180, walked out of the room and shut the door behind him. He silently congratulating himself with a clenched fist and a whispered 'yes!' before proceeding to the nearest proper boozer.

Cracking bloke!
(Roddimus_Prime Should be revising, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 17:22, 1 reply)

Oh dear
She's chatting to her mate, I'm upstairs and hear:

"Yellow Car says any woman who isn't married or had a long term relationship by the time she's 40 must have something seriously wrong with her".

To her mate, who's nearly 40...

I stayed upstairs.
(Yellow Car is now red, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 17:07, Reply)

lost it on the Snake's Faux Pas
A friend, his girlfriend and myself had acquired tickets and back stage passes to a Def Leppard arena gig by way of my mate's recently seperated farther dating the ex of the tour manager. I can't say any of us were especially taken with Def Leppard, however our interest was peaked by the news Terrorvision would be the support. We'd all seen Terrorvision numerous times before and were always entertaining. In fact my mate's girlfriend had managed to obtain a drumstick at the last gig of thiers she attended (note how I didn't say catch, it was less quick reaction, good hands of a slip fielder and more GreckoRoman).
At the end of the gig we make our way back stage to take full advantage of a free bar. Being the first such experience we half expected to be mingling with the stars. As it happened, the only member of either band to be there was Def Leppard's drummer.
My mate's girlfriend decides to join the queue talk to him. Eventually, she gets to him and, following the standard exchange of pleasantries, she asks "is Shutty around? You see I have a drumstick of his at home and wanted to ask if I could get another...as I can't play with one."
( Holly Would long wheel based tranny, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 17:04, 1 reply)

1st
I was afraid I was petrified
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 16:19, 6 replies)

Supreme tactlessness WITH REAL TACKS!
True one, honest..

A local warehouse recently employed two developmentally challenged adults.

They were given instructions for two tasks:

1. Make boxes.
2. If you can't make boxes, sweep the floor.

They were then left to get on with it.
Now, I have a suspicion of a third staff member having some challenges,
because in order to make the boxes, they were given wooden slats - and a nail gun.

New employee #1 soon manages to nail employee #2's hand to the proto-box.
Realising the seriousness of the mistake..

..they start sweeping the floor.
(BeatsWork, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 15:25, 2 replies)

Two newly acquainted women making small talk getting to know each other
A:Where do you live?
B:[whatsitcalled]
A:I hear it's really rough there
B:Yeah, it's not great
Conversation moves on, someone asks A how she is holding up after what happened
A:What did happen? if you don't mind me asking
B:A relative of mine murdered my grandmother
A:So it really is rough where you live?


(B is for 'bereaved', A is for arsehole)
(teebie jeebie, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 13:39, Reply)

Bareback rider
You know it always feels better.


Just your keks and breeks between your arse and the horses back, grasping the mane with sweaty fists. I suppose you'd call that tackless.



(sorry, I had to. It's thursday lunch break...)
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 13:19, 1 reply)

Back in the early 80's
My father suffered severe burns to his hands, arms and face after an accident with a mobile fish n chip van.
Off he went to Stoke Mandeville along with many Falkland Island soldiers, bags on their hands, measuring how much fluid was being lost...
Anyhow, it was in June, on Fathers day, and the card I had showed a piece of toast, the top bit a little scorched, some wisps of smoke above it and the message on the front said To Dad...
Opening it up the message continued.. You're the Toast of the Family.
He laughed, non of the nurses did though.
(lordy lordy, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 12:56, 4 replies)

On return to the office after lunch on a Friday (Fridays was fish day in the canteen)...
Me (loudly): Wow, it smells really fishy here. Is that you, Anne?

The clatter of half a dozen jawbone on desks... and silence.

I left the country not long after.
( bierbelly, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 12:42, Reply)

"Blimey, I'm exhausted"
probably wasn't the best thing to say when the wife was finally cuddling our offspring after a marathon 36-hour labour...

"Fancy a quickie?" didn't seem to relieve the tension, either
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 11:05, 1 reply)

OOh, just remembered another one.
Meeting an old collegue at a function, hadn't seen him for a few years.

Him: 'So, how's everything going?'

Me: 'Great. We just had our first baby!' Blah blah blah about being a Dad, etc for 10 mins.

Me: 'So anyway, how's Steph? (his wife). You guys planning on a family yet?'

Him: 'Well, not really. She had ovarian cancer. Had to have radiotherapy, and is also needs a kidney transplant. She won't be able to have children'.

Me: 'Er . . . '.
(username failed moderation, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 11:03, 3 replies)

The ex tactless wife
Not because she isn't tactless anymore but because, you know, it's like her middle name, geddit?

A few years ago, a friend came to visit us, looking for a cup of tea and some sympathy and a sofa to kip on for a week or two whilst he sorted a few things out. With a pained expression, he recounted how he was splitting up from his lovely wife. He could barely string words into sentences he was so distraught and confused. He couldn't imagine how he'd go on living without her, the love of his life, and even his step-daughter who he had always loved as if she were his own, and especially his son, LesJr., who was barely two at the time.
So my (now ex) wife reassured him with such kind words as:
"Oh, of course you can stay as long as you wish whilst you sort this awful mess out."
"Is there anything we can help you with? Do you need a loan? Has that awful money-grabbing bitch cleaned you out?"
"Oh well, Les, now you can move on with your life and find someone who really loves you for who you are, not just your money."
"Bacon, will you stop kicking my shins"
"At least you won't have to pay that cheating bitch a penny in child support, since LesJr. isn't yours anyway."
"Bacon, you're going to break my ankle if you carry on like that."
( wakeupandsmellthebacon, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 10:47, Reply)

How very magnanimous...
Until recently I worked as a guitar tech for a reasonably successful rock band. While touring Europe last year we had a look around Auschwitz and Birkenau on our day off, then found ourselves putting on a show in Leipzig the following day. The lead guitarist, in a gap between songs, addressed the audience thus:

"Yesterday we went to Auschwitz. We were all very moved, and quite shocked to see what man is capable of doing to his fellow human beings. Anyway, I just want to say that it's really not your fault and you shouldn't worry about it."

This was greeted by a stunned silence (apart from the odd gasp) and a fair few punters walked out.
(Haywood Manley, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 10:46, 4 replies)

Apparently rape ISN'T acceptable at the dinner table.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 10:32, 14 replies)

Freddy

A mate of mine from my old local was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease and was bemoaning the fact that he'd had to give up work. He shook quite badly - almost Michael J Fox style shaking. So I asked him why didn't he apply for a job at the pub - as a cocktail shaker.


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 10:20, 3 replies)

Tactless Gifts
My best friend was diagnosed with a brain tumour a couple of years back. Before he popped his clogs, we managed to meet up a few times for beers. On most occasions, I presented him with gifts that I thought would help him through the difficult time he was having. These included:

* A nintendo DS complete with Dr Kawashima's Brain Training game, just before he went in for an op to excise the tumour. The idea being, he could compare his scores before and after the op to see if it had affected his cognitive abilities.

* A geiger counter, just after he'd had his first dose of radiation therapy, so we could find out if there was any lingering radioactivity (there wasn't, disappointingly).

* Further down the line, when the growth of the tumour was affecting his coordination, a jelly mould in the shape of a brain, so he could replace the bits that weren't working.
( argyleblanket The man on the roof works for me, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 9:08, 9 replies)

School reunion
Not an official one, but a 20 year meeting in a pub for an all day session. Partners were welcome (never a good idea).

So old mate Steve and his wife were there as was the girl who, in the 6th form was already the 'fittest bird in the school' and the years had been more than kind. She was a stunner.

Anyway, Steve always had a thing for her and as the night went on was being louder and louder with his comments 'do you remember when she wore that skirt to the disco??' etc.

Finally his wife turned round and shouted ' if you fancy her that much, why don't you just fuck off and have her instead?'

To which Steve: 'Don't worry love, you are perfectly safe.... she was always out of my league'

Debate remains to this day if he was taking the piss but it remains the quote of the year.
(LetsGetDownToIt, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 8:45, 2 replies)

A coffee shop I frequent has a penchant for chirpy factoids on its blackboard.
You know the kind of thing: "Tomatoes are a fruit. This is knowledge. But wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad!"

All harmless trivia.

Last week though, they came up with "54% of people in the world earn less than $1 a day".

Isn't that a bit tactless when a coffee and muffin is $7?
(BeatsWork, Thu 10 Nov 2011, 6:56, 11 replies)

Sinister Testicle.
After reading Wobbly Hats' post and posting this there as a reply I changed my mind & thought I'd post it.
As a bunch of teenage boys we developed a game where one of us would strategically come out with the cry of "left nut!!!" which would be included with exposure of said-sided testicle. The rule was if someone called you with it you had to respond in kind, in a timely manner- no matter the situation... The idea being that you were fairly quick & discreet but definitely let the world know that you had a left testicle.
Woe betide you if you failed or were too slow as group scorn & derision would be heaped upon you from a great height for a very long time.

Until 1 of our number @ about 27 acquired cancer of the... you guessed it his left nut! Said baby-making marble ended up being removed and I'm happy to say he is still around 12 years later (with a couple of sprogs no less!). I should mention here that I have glossed over a whole lot of "Oh, shit my mate might die from this" & "You're gonna be outta the game buddy" type of situations.

Post surgery, if anything it got worse rather than more subdued (after being revived on a hospital visit where we managed to smuggle in a couple of cans for him).
Hospital visits were a laugh as he knew he was now the only 1 exempt from the game & would joyously cry out "left nut!" when you arrived no matter the amount of nurses, visitors etc. were in the room.
The game is still played today (I should state here, usually only at the rare drunken gatherings where we all get stonkered & try to relive our misspent yoof) - only now we have to check there are no kids around as what was just a stupid teen-aged boy joke played by blokes in their late 30's takes on far worse connotations when our sprogs are around.
*Waits for all the missunderstood "nonce" accusations to begin*
Ohh, &...if any of you guys are here -
"Left Nut!"
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 10 Nov 2011, 6:13, 19 replies)