boiled or fried?
There are many things for which I have no talent, such as leaping into a bed of nettles without regretting it, or glimpsing any part of Simon Cowell without wanting to eat my own feet. I draw not, neither do I paint. I can just about ride a bike, but I'm not exactly Lance Armstrong.

However, there is one thing I excel at. I am top of the range, Oscar-winning, First Class Honours, Tesco's Finest and make no mistake. If it was an Olympic sport, I would be the Steve Redgrave of it.

I can cook rice. Any kind of rice.

Perfectly.

Every single time.

The best thing about this talent is that it takes no effort whatsoever. I suppose you could call it a gift. I can have thrown a couple of handfuls of rice in the pan, then added some water, which I won't have measured out according to any instructions, stirred it a bit, picked a heat setting on the hob at random, left it, forgotten about it and gone to do something more interesting, and then, and then, and this is the best bit, when I eventually remember that I am the one responsible for the rice cooking on the stove, and while everyone else about me is frantically throwing chillis into the lamb curry or hunting desperately for the fresh coriander for the homemade raita or burning the naan breads or dropping the handcrafted samosas on the floor, I just breeze in and there is the rice, perfectly cooked, not sticking to the bottom of the pan like a singed, sullen wet lump of emo rice misery, not burning, not gone past the point of no return into sticky mushy rice pudding territory, it's just sitting there all beautiful and fluffy like a spring lamb on a freshly squeezed morning, waiting for me to drain it and pour a careless kettle of hot water over it, and it's as though Jesus or Delia Smith or even Uncle Ben himself has magicked this rice up straight from heaven, it's so awesome.

It's still fucking rice, though. Probably the most tedious food ever.
(bagofpinenuts, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 22:09, 12 replies)

lamb curry with chillis?
i want to have tea at your house
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 22:32, closed)

tedious food
Keeps 3 billion people on the go
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 19 Nov 2010, 23:48, closed)

Mien Gott! You know what?
Readin that(length; 31.5 inch gap that the cooker is jammed into), I can't even cook toast (cook?) or anybloodything! I eat CHARCOAL everyday - except Wednesday when it's chippy day!
(Hudekin ( . )( . ) - cos i can't use photoshop.., Sat 20 Nov 2010, 0:41, closed)

*click*
Not for the talent, but for the line 'sullen wet lump of emo rice misery'. Made me chuckle :)

x
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Sat 20 Nov 2010, 11:31, closed)

Are you Tim Rice in disguise?
(Wilton Mitrowserz, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 16:36, closed)

I'm not going to spoil your talent
Without knowing you from Adam I suspect that you could probably do the same with other foods. I'm no culinary Jamie Oliver, but there is a way for non-gifted people to cook most rice without killing it.

1. Put rice in pan and cover with water until the water level is about a fingernail above the rice. Bring to boil, then stick lid on and turn the heat way down.
2. Do something else for ten minutes or so.
3. Turn heat all the way off, then do something else for a bit longer.

And that's it. Rice done.

This is a slightly longer method of cooking - basically the rice will absorb all the water, and then continue to steam for a bit after the heat is turned off.

I feel like I'm undermining your skill, but I hope I'm not. I think your real talent is cooking without getting overly stressed about it - most people worry too much, having seen "perfection" on shows like Masterchef, and I reckon that spoils a helluva lot of meals.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 18:41, closed)

Ahh
Actually, no - I should be locked up for crimes against porridge.
(bagofpinenuts, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 18:45, closed)

Naaah
You probably do better than you think. I've never met anyone who couldn't cook when shown how and the signals to look out for when things start going wrong. The worst people (like my wife used to be) are the ones who get stressed about it when something doesn't go to plan.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 18:55, closed)

Nope, can't cook porridge
Have tried loads of times and just can't achieve edible porridge. My husband can confirm this.
(bagofpinenuts, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 18:58, closed)

What about
Ready Brek?
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 19:02, closed)

that's cheating!
I shall just have to try harder.
(bagofpinenuts, Sat 20 Nov 2010, 19:45, closed)

You have another talent;
For writing.
And for reminding me that as I'm working from home today, I put something on the hob, which I'd forgotten about...
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:51, closed)