Smoooooth Operator...
How do you...

What do you do when...

Erm....

you want to talk to a girl... You know, pay her a compliment, make her feel special. What the fuck do you say? This is the sort of shit that raced through my mind, aged twelve, at the school disco when I caught sight of Amy Bell (Ding Dong to her mates), as she bopped merrily away to New Kids on the Block, her twelve year old bosom heaving against the finest wrinkly acetate of her red C & A dress like two eager puppies competing for attention.

I approached, dry mouthed, Amy was fucking lovely. She was perfect. A fucking angel. She even used her knife AND fork when she was shoveling down her school dinners. We're talking posh. Really fucking posh. She probably had a butler in her semi on the outskirts of Duston, Northampton.

Amy stopped bopping, she stared at me with her quirky lopsided smile. THINK OF A FUCKING COMPLIMENT YOU PRICK!!! My brain ached. I felt sick. Too much Tizer, way too many sausage rolls and bits of cheddar on cocktail sticks. Then it struck me, ok, here goes -

and I said it. And even before the words had left my mouth Amy had punched me in the tit and fucked off in a major league hissy fit of a girly huff.

That's when I learned that, whatever you do, whatever you say, never ever ever start a conversation with a girl you fancy with:

“Just want to let you know that when I wank I'm almost always thinking about you....” a sexy pause, maybe raise the eyebrow a little a la Roger Moore, then finish with, “and you're always naked.”

Well, not unless you want to get a punch in the tit for your troubles...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 5 Nov 2009, 23:52, 5 replies)

That's funny!
A couple months ago at one of my team fishing events, one of the guys literally told me he goes to bed jacking off over my image every night. I punched him hard and the poor guy still can't go on our forums without getting ridiculed for it!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 4:47, closed)

In my defense
I was twelve. (Now I tend to get my cock out instead and ask: "Well, it's not gonna suck itself...") Not really...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 9:10, closed)

although if it did
1) it'd be ACE
2) there'd be a LOT less work done and it would all be done by the females, assuming we'd remembered to impregnate them at some point to stop our race dying out.
(randomstupidname would really like this signature field to be bigge, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 9:23, closed)

click for the lols
...and also because I may or may not have once used that chat up line (in jest) as a grown man and got away without a punch in the tit. It didn't get me anywhere though :-(
(keyboardman, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 13:44, closed)

*Clicks*
and clicks again.

outstanding
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 11 Nov 2009, 11:49, closed)