It's not like I had much choice
As I entered my early teens a few events managed to take me down the social ladder. As a violent opponent of 'The Phantom Menace', active member of the chess club and library enthusiast, I found myself relegated to the position of holding up said ladder for the rest of the adolescent turnips in my backwater school.

I've mentioned before about some of the antics getting the shit kicked out of me led to, but one lucky day it got me a lady.

A very large lady

Who smoked

And dotted the 'i' in her name with a heart

Ladies and gentlemen, my first girlfriend if you please, Dani. Dani felt sorry for me being the butt of most jokes, and quickly took me under her massive, deep fried wing. She took it upon herself to peg me up a few notches by being seen with a woman, and I was 13 years old and glad to be associated with a pair of tits that weren't my own. Soon enough, Foxy was the talk of the town and invited to all sorts of social gatherings with his lady accomplice.

Looking back though, I realise it was me making her feel better and not the other way round. Who nicked fags off his mates to feed her gargantuan habits? Me. Who took her back after she admitted sucking a bloke off in an underpass for some alcopops? Me. Who had to tell her how beautiful she was as another Big Mac flew down her gullet? It wasn't even love, it was a direct order if I wanted 'to make it to the next base'.

One day, dear readers, I did. In time-honoured tradition, my family disappeared one Valentine's Day leaving Dani and I to have an adolescent fumble underneath my Thunderbirds duvet. Her breasts rolled over each other as I worked my toungue, her stomach was sweaty and stretched. Trying not to heave, I decided to switch to batting practice and use my hand to get her going downstairs.

Even now I find it hard to describe the moment. It was like my hand was taking an expedition through the warm amazon only to discover Ben Nevis in the foreground. What I felt, and still feel to this day, was a pair of flaps so disfigured it felt like a couple of cocks swinging around my palm.

I'm not proud, but in the middle of a game of tonsil tennis, it made me throw up a little into her mouth. She swallowed it and licked her lips. That made me spew a little more, and nearly again as she rubbed it over her chest. I quickly got dressed and walked her to the bus stop.

We broke up soon after. The Phantom Menace is still shit.
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Sun 8 Nov 2009, 10:48, 3 replies)

OK, so some people might pay for that
but eww. Just eww.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sun 8 Nov 2009, 14:44, closed)

Ughhh...!
...You Nasty!
(EffinDoubt is breaking glass on, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 17:33, closed)