Mess up, eat up.
One day, after some cadet's sport day or some such event, I was invited to the Private's Mess of the barracks we were competing in.
Two sergeants walked me round the new in-takes, explaining why I should join the Army and not crab-air, when all of a sudden one of the squaddies spills his drink.

"So what?" I thought, "Poor lad's probably knackerd from all his P.T.".

Suddenly, the entire room is staring at this squaddie with eyes like spikes, and the sergeants are screaming orders at the cooks.
Twenty seconds later, all the grub on all the tables is disposed of into a bin and three massive cook pots appear.

Sergeant number one steps to the plate and screams "You want to eat like animals? Then bloody well eat your shit!"

All the squaddies in the room crowd round these cauldrons, compo racing spoons in hand. Eating a yellow mush as fast as they could, some were dry retching, others screaming from the taste.

Being a curious sod, I asked what they were eating.
"It's banana, uncooked spuds, marmite and English mustard." Came the reply.

Being a cheeky sod, I asked if I could try some.
This ended up with me, a bowl of yellow slime and a spoon, RACING the entire platoon as to who could finish first.

As I took my first mouthful and professed that "It's not half bad this", I suddenly feelt the eyes of 30 or so murderous squaddies looking at me, blaming me for their upcoming fate.

To this day, I've not hear any NCO laugh as hard as the ones watching a 16 year old brat happily munch on this gruel while the squaddies choke on it.
( Pointy Head poked another hole in my anorak on, Thu 17 May 2007, 18:18, Reply)