Trawling my archived emails...
..I came across this piece; an email conversation between a work colleague and I that details the things we dislike about our fellow co-workers:

KI - Nice enough, but takes her job far too seriously. Also have no idea what her boyfriend is doing with her. Probably for her large norks more than anything else.

LM- As above except for the last two sentences. I love the unsure noises she makes when she asks you to do something, or you suggest doing something that isn't quite by the book.

JR - One of the company's premier fashion queens. The kind of person who won't talk to you if you haven't made an effort in dressing up to work. Will also take it really personally if you don't say 'Hello'/'Good Morning' or 'See ya' (in the evening). Insecure as fuck.

JJ- AKA Hugh Grant. The epitome of an English, bumbling, stuttering eccentric, albeit with no charm whatsoever. His office exudes an aroma of muskiness (or is it mustiness?), he's the world's oldest Dad, and his face used to come with free garlic bread. Tries his hardest to fit in with a young crowd and will stammeringly attempt to relate to you by inferring that he is still 'cool', when in fact, he is a cunt. Also makes some of the women feel uncomfortable by staring at their chests mid-conversation. At least I do it discretely...

DR - In essence, alright, but has the jaded, patchy-skinned look of a borderline alcoholic.

WT - Seriously, what the fuck is she doing working here? Hard of hearing in one ear. No discernable idea of what we do as a company and how things work here. More interested in 'marrying up' paperwork and ensuring that 'he matches with him'. Although I do feel sorry for her when she has the unenviable task of talking to SA the cunt.

-------

RG - I've never talked to a more boring person in my life. His main interests are Formula 1 and computers which says it all really. The thing that riles me the most though, is his eating. It's non stop grazing. He's a porky little fucker and it makes me sick watching him eat. I get in a rage when I see he's brought in a lunchbox, but he also goes to the sandwich van. He lives in a little bubble with his wife (who has a huge head). He doesn't mean any harm, but he's dull.

LS - The fucking jobsworth cunt. She thinks she knows best, doesn't listen to my advice, then moans when it inevitably fucks up. When in the warehouse, she'll ring a minimum of 8 times a day. She also lives in a bubble, the sad cunt that she is. All that matters to her is work. Quite a nice body, but she stil fucks me off. I've told her to 'go fuck yourself' twice this year. That's how much she irritates me.

KY - Stomps around like a hefalump. 'CJ this, CJ that' - No one gives a fuck, you loud, thick cunt. What the fuck is a 'league time'? People like her because she's bubbly. I hate her for the same reason

MO - Don't hate her, but she's thick as pig shit and makes extra-long personal calls about her flat every day. Fuck off.

EN -Queen Bee as far as she's concerned. A home-wrecking,stressed out mother-fucker as far as I'm concerned. Again, she thinks she knows best (not true), and stomps her feet when she can't get her own way. What a cunt.

JMW- Blinky cunt. Only makes an effort if she's after something. I don't know how she got her job, she's got not social skills, Ie - she talks and then talks over you. Has delusions of grandeur. Double-barrelled surname? What a daft cunt.

FG - I detest this man. He's a prick that thinks he's hilarious. Has bad dandruff and dodgy fashion sense. An absolute joke. Again, he'll do the rounds saying 'hello' to everyone, but he doesn't give a fuck about anyone apart from the managers and the external staff. Piss-taking, married to an ugly Yank, cunt.

HT - I like her, but her walk annoys me.

AT - What else can I say about this cunt that I haven't already said? Thinks he's God's gift to women, thinks he's funny, thinks he's popular, thinks he dresses better than me. Now, I don't really care if people think I'm a shit dresser, unless it comes from a cunt like him.

DA - Again, I like this lovable nerd, but he does do a weird 'burpy' thing, where he always burps with his mouth closed, about once every minute.

SL - Loud, brash, fucking irritating to work with. Has no sense of politeness or manners. Moans and cries when the going gets tough. Is rude to fellow workers when they ask a simple question. It's impossible to argue with her, even if she's wrong (which is regularly)

BT- I've never heard such a nauseating voice in all my life. She's the human equivalent of a wasp. I wish she'd fuck off, she's annoying, but she keeps coming back, or yaps on the background. Fat, ugly, unkempt, irritating and dresses like a tramp. Also, she looks like she's on speed, gurns when she talks, and, oh yeah, she's a cunt.

BK - "secret-squirrel, hil-arrrious, babe, hun, hun, Top Gear presenters are soo funny,dogs,dogs, hun". YOU ARE A THICK, ANNOYING CUNT.

LR/DW - Grown men, acting like juvenile cunts. They are not funny in the slightest. There's only so much innuendo you can take in a day.

RR - Thick, has boring stories, ugly and a fucking wanker to boot. Seems to think the sun shines out of her arse. I could mention some of her tales, but they're far too boring. All in all, a cunt.



Funnily enough our boss doesn't get mentioned once - she's actually alright
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 16:48, 5 replies)

I do not know any of these people
so this list holds no interest for me.

But I hope it was somehow cathartic for you. You're an angry man.
( sanityclause is waiting until, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 19:21, closed)

But
in a sense we ALL know these people.
(kitescreech still here, Fri 19 Jun 2009, 11:42, closed)

That...
...is the funniest thing I have read for a while, you have made my day. "The human equivalent of a wasp" - quality.
(superdanpl, Fri 19 Jun 2009, 16:21, closed)

Funny thing is...
...it's f*cking true. I liken it more to that weird bloke with the funny up/down voice from the 'Police Academy' films.
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 19 Jun 2009, 17:19, closed)

that would be "zed"
as played by bobcat goldthwait. i preferred jonesy though, with those mad sound effects.
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Tue 23 Jun 2009, 17:05, closed)