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This is a question The Boss

My chief at a large retail chain used to decide on head office redundancies by chanting "One potato, two potato" over the staff list. Tell us about your mad psycho bosses - collect your P45 on the way out.

Bruce Springsteen jokes = Ban, ridicule

(, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 13:06)
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Gaylett: Part One ('Flash' photography)…

I used to work in a car parts warehouse. Every sorrowful day I would leave my dignity at the turnstile and waste my time pushing a trolley around. Imagine a glorified ’Supermarket Sweep’ but without any trace of glory…and lots more sweeping.

As you can imagine in a warehouse filled with troglodyte mongs, the deeply emotive and philosophical topics of conversation that floated about the place were a veritable cultural delight….(what I mean is that if you didn’t talk about football, booze or shagging then nobody knew or cared what the fuck you were going on about.)

I’ve posted quite a few times about the management from this place before – and they all deserve it...but I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned 'Gaylett' yet…particularly as I’ve got so much material on him that I could write a book.

Although his name sounds like a cross between a ‘gayer’ and a ‘piglet’, this bollocks-spouting bellend was so called because that was the combination of the initial and surname that adorned his namebadge.

With his short, stumpy, overconfident stance, his weasly, beady eyes (one of which used to be lazy) and sporting a bald spot like a monkey’s ringpiece that actually grew larger before your very eyes, Gaylett was a colossal mimsy of the highest order.

I have worked for some putrid cunt-stenches before…, some egomaniacal workplace wankwobbles, some turgid, turd-tasting terrorist tyrannasaurs of trade and industry in my time – but this winnet of crusty jizz not only took the cake, he dipped his dongler in it, then put it back on the canteen shelf to be eaten after the traditional Friday Curry.

Gaylett had worked in the same place since he was 17, and at the time in question he was 30-something and scraping the dizzying heights of team leader. He had no friends, no hobbies (unless you count ‘brown-nosing’ as a hobby)…and generally no life. Every relationship he had ever entered into (3 marriages and counting to date) was the result of work flings and an unwanted pregnancy here and there.

Now, one thing about bosses is that they all have an Achilles heel, some point that you can expertly exploit to gain some foothold over the puddle of misery that is your dreary workday. Gaylett’s weakspot was the simple, yet ravenous and insatiable craving to be popular. Unfortuantely for him however, every ruse he attempted to endear him to his colleagues always ended in catastrophic failure

Despite his blatant lack of sexual experience, He would perpetually brag to anyone who’d listen about shags that he had ‘scored’ behind his wife’s back whilst he was working away. Although we all knew he was making it all up, he would still try and turn on the ‘Casanova’ act to a bored audience of minions who would grimace through the experience solely because it beat working.

On one such occasion there were a group of about a dozen of us who were gathered in a team cabin bantering between ourselves, when Gaylett shoulder-barged into the conversation, and launched into his usual self-indulgent hyper-twaddle, spouting what he considered to be the immortal ‘ultimate male’ lines. He poetically stated:

“Are you lot talking about sex? I get more fanny than all of you lot – and I’m a fucking brilliant shag!”

Eyes collectively rolled in everyone’s heads. Some people ‘tutted’ and tried to blank him out, but he continued:

“…and I’ve got the biggest cock as well!”

Then, to her credit, one of the team scrubbers, a hardbitten hariden harpe called Sharon, spoke up first. She nonchalantly said:

”I find that when men always go on about how big their tackle is, it’s because they’re overcompensating, and they’re usually hung like a castrated maggot! ” She stylishly accentuated her point by waggling her little finger.

Everyone laughed, and Gaylett was enraged to be shot down in flames in such a way. He roared: “Right….you fuckers…I’ll show you!” before marching off in a huff.

Nobody thought any more of it – But little did we know that Gaylett was on a mission to prove us all wrong.

That night, he went home, went up to the bathroom, stripped bollock naked, and proceeded to take a POLAROID OF HIS COCK.

The next morning, he brought the picture in for us all to see, and rushed up excitedly towards the group of us before thrusting the sick-inducing schlong snap into Sharon’s unsuspecting palm

Then, with his hands on his hips, he proudly stood there and smugly declared: ”Well, what do you think of THAT?”

Sharon merely glanced at the photo, turned it to a 90 degree angle, raised one eyebrow, then said in a monotone, unimpressed way: “Hmm……it kind of rings a bell I suppose…it looks a bit like a penis……only smaller.”

As everybody guffawed at him he looked shellshocked. He then tried to cover his embarrassment by demanding she ‘repay the favour’ by taking a photo of the’ filthy kink in her minkle’ for him to look at, but she only retorted straight back with:

“Nah, only a fucking TWAT would go and do something as stupid as that to try and show off...”

Defeated, and with his protests going unheard over our laughter, he then slumped off and started his backpeddling 'damage limitation' exercise. He desperately tried to stifle any resultant rumours by lying that it wasn’t his todger in the photo. This of course, merely made things even worse as it implicated him as being someone that proudly carried round and displayed a polaroid of someone else’s cock...which had been taken in his bathroom.

What stunned me about the whole thing was that he genuinely thought that people would be impressed. On reflection, this sums up the arrogance of the man. I mean, what was he expecting? For all the girls to drop their kex and bend over the filing cabinet, whilst all the lads queued up to ‘high five’ him and salute him as our 'whopper-cocked hero'?

He really was an unadulterated cuntwhistle. It was probably only out of our naievity (and pity) that we didn’t get him sued for sexual harassment at the time. Worse still, he’s got away with it now…as he’s now the warehouse manager, and one of his first acts in charge was to ensure that everybody that knew about his ‘incidents’ first hand was driven out of the place or made redundant.

Who said the bad guys never win?

Next part here...

Third part here...
(, Fri 19 Jun 2009, 13:15, 8 replies)
I'm clicking
and I love the idea that an eye used to be lazy, because it implies that said eye is too lazy to be, well, lazy...

(, Fri 19 Jun 2009, 13:37, closed)
As ever your mastery of descriptive vitriol is superb.
(, Fri 19 Jun 2009, 14:40, closed)
Ahhhh Gaylett,
Folks if you clicked this wait for the rest trust me the guy is a Legend! my feeling go out to you Pooflake, your head must be hurting deciding which story to post next!

I too had the pleasure of working with said cock rot...

Come on give us the Debbie story already!!! mind you i might get off my arse and do it?...

(, Fri 19 Jun 2009, 15:26, closed)
Cheers mate...

It's on it's way...

EDIT: 'I don't know if 'legend' is the right word for him...Also, I wonder if GoodLord (Who also worked with Gaylett) will enjoy reading about his exploits, now he also has managed to free himself from the shackles of that place...
(, Fri 19 Jun 2009, 15:38, closed)
...Also, I wonder if GoodLord will enjoy reading about his exploits...
He will, well, maybe 'enjoy' is too harsh a word for it...

In fact he remembers spotting one of your posts about Mr Burns way back (while still 'working' there) which made me sign up. (and am glad none of those stories featured the lazy fat hairy bloke in the corner of the upstairs office who managed to do fuck all all day)

Still only just started reading the boards while being logged in though. Ooohh There's new links aplenty.

Better stop before this turns into Datsun Reunited.

They were all tossers though, weren't they. (yes, they were, and probably still are)

edit: he also likes message boards with EDIT buttons (woo!)
(, Fri 19 Jun 2009, 16:10, closed)
Ah, Mr Burns...

That takes me back...

I don't do reposts, but I'll have a look at what I posted about him and see if it sparks up any fresh memories...

and if it does, I'll buy some stronger mind bleach.

EDIT: - Yep, I've thought of another Burns one - do you remember his 'hotel' story?

(might have to leave it until Monday to write that bad boy up)
(, Fri 19 Jun 2009, 16:21, closed)
I always look forward to your posts, pooflake.
Really brighten up the weekend shifts (network support).
(, Sun 21 Jun 2009, 9:04, closed)
I've been meaning to get ruond to reading the Gaylett trilogy all week...
...I'm glad I made the time.

Have yourself a hat-trick of *click*s, sir.
(, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 11:52, closed)

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