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My chief at a large retail chain used to decide on head office redundancies by chanting "One potato, two potato" over the staff list. Tell us about your mad psycho bosses - collect your P45 on the way out.

Bruce Springsteen jokes = Ban, ridicule

(, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 13:06)
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Gaylett: part 3 (aka: ‘Why I can’t call him a wanker’)…

One of the many problems with working for a shallow, self indulgent, dong-wangling despot with a borderline mentalist popularity complex, is that it can lead to some paradoxically crap management decisions.

This can be gonad-crushingly frustrating when you realise you have little or no control over what bizarre form of logic your working day is going to be based on.

Let me give you an example:


Mindless Donkey 1: “Gaylett, can I have a cushy job today?”
Gaylett: “Ooh, I don’t know about that. “
Mindless Donkey 1: “Aww, go on…I’ll tell everybody that I think you’re ‘triffic’…”
Gaylett: “Oh…OK then!“
Mindless Donkey 1: “Hahaaa….sucker!”


Mindless Donkey 2: “Gaylett, can I do the aforementioned cushy job today?”
Gaylett: “Sorry, I’ve given that to Mindless Donkey 1“
Mindless Donkey 2: “Aww, go on…let me do it… I’ll pretend to be your mate at breaktime.”
Gaylett: “Oh…OK then!“
Mindless Donkey 2: “Hahaaa….dumb twat!”


Mindless Donkey 3: “Gaylett, can I have the aforementioned cushy job today?”
Gaylett: “Sorry, I’ve given that to Mindless Donkey 2“
Mindless Donkey 3: “Aww, go on…let me do it… I’ll feign interest whilst you ramble on inanely about what a global superstud you think you are...”
Gaylett: “SOLD!!“


Mindless Donkey 1: ”WTF?”
Mindless Donkey 2: ”WTF?”
Mindless Donkey 3: ”Muuuuhaahaaaahaaaa!”

As for me, I didn’t give a Giraffe’s blotchy elevated scrotum, simply because at that time, the ‘Mindless Donkey number 3’…was me. Thankfully, all the other foolish spakkers had too much self respect to keep it going…but before I could settle into my easy day, I was of course subjected to hearing the egomaniacle blitherings of a bloke who clearly had no understanding of boundaries; and would stoop to scrape any warped level of personal depravation if he thought it could score him some precious popularity points, or even a droplet of one-dimensional acknowledgement from any indifferent semi-acquaintance or passer by.

This is the story he told me (and the other dozen or so people hanging about) that fateful day – and as you can tell, he doesn’t dilly-dally with getting to the ‘nitty-gritty’…

Gaylett: “You know what, Pooflake? I’ve never had a wank…’Cos I don’t believe in ‘em…”
Me: “Oh dear god! – Too much information! Why are you telling me this?... Hang on….you don’t want me to wank you off do you?...I’ll only go so far for that cushy job!….”
Gaylett: “Nah…but the thing is…I’m such a man, that I have to empty my bollocks at least twice a day…and if my missus isn’t up to the job whenever I click my fingers then she knows I’ll go elsewhere and fuck someone else”
Me: “I don’t want to know!”
Gaylett: “Fortunately, there is no shortage of women about round here who are gagging to help me out with that…know what I mean? *nudges* ”
Me: Please stop talking…"
Gaylett: “Oh, hang on……now that I think about it…yes I have had a wank.”
Me: *rolls eyes* “Well…whoopee-fucking-doo! We’re all proud for you.”
Gaylett: “Yeah – after I had my vasectomy* I had to have a wank to provide a jizz sample…”
Me: *whimpers* “Is that the time?....Can I go now please?”
Gaylett: *oblivious* “…so I took the sample cup home, and when I got there, all the builders were about, working on my extension …”
Me: “I hope that ‘working on my extension’ is not a euphemism?”
Gaylett: “…Anyway…I sneaked into the lounge, closed the curtains, and cracked a big, lumpy, juicy one off into the cup while my missus was talking to the builders in just the next room! – with no lock on the door! It was quite a turn-on I can tell you! Hey Pooflake, If you come for a beer with me tonight I’ll tell you what else turns me on…and I’ll also give you a few pointers on how to 'fire-in' to the ladies”
Me: “Ermm….I’m busy tonight….You know what?...I’ll take the shitty job – nothing is worth this” *walks off shaking head*

Now, all this is bad enough, but there’s been one vital bit of info that I’ve missed throughout the telling of these ‘Gaylett files’. Ever present throughout the whole sorry mess of one sordid incident after another, was his own poor old dad, who worked as a lowly trolley donkey in the same team as us. He was a nice, no-nonsense, likable sort, quietly getting on with his job and unconditionally supporting his twatsponge son, living every day with the double-edged sword of being pleased for his boy’s success, but with the deep shame of knowing it is at the expense of him being a loathed, pretentious flangewart. I believe he’s retired now – I’m glad he doesn’t have to put up with it anymore.

I’ll finish by saying: ‘Gaylett, you are a deeply disturbed demonic douchebag – and for somebody who claims to have been so ‘sexually experienced’, you don’t actually have that many different stories to tell. I know, because over the years I’ve heard ‘em all…and while we’re on the subject, briefly sitting in a girl’s tent when you were 14 and on a school trip to France is NOT a sex story – so stop telling everyone all the time like it is. Sort yourself out.’

*The vasectomy that he has since had reversed so he could impregnate his new wife. Lucky her eh?

Part 1...
Part 2...
(, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 12:35, 4 replies)
Poor lady indeedy...
The last Gaylett chat i had before i left (ok was asked to leave) went a little like this....

Me: Hey, hows the good lady then Gaylett?

sometimes i liked to call him Gaylett, he didnt like it, however he liked the fact we were mates (snigger) cos we had nicknames for each other, insecure nob rot that he is.

Gaylett: Hmm, shes a boring twat, I tell ya if i wanna chuck my muck i'd be better off down the morgue! bloody lifeless in bed she is!

Now i had the pleasure of meeting said lady, and apart from her obvious very poor taste in men she was alright, so that comment was quite harsh. So now with an audience in the smoke shelter i replied.

Me: Well think about it, when youre letting a halfwit, inbred, sweaty, ape shove his funstick up you, i can imagine that it would be hard to get excited, give her a break eh?

Cue many laughs..... in hindsight i did not get much support when i got my suspension.....but hey in a better job now so fuck him!
(, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 12:52, closed)
Hee hee...

You'd think if they weren't compatible, then he would've thought twice about marrying her and getting her up t'duff...but that would go against his golden rule of proposing within 5 seconds of crashing his yogurt truck into some poor unsuspecting woman.

I think he was secretly engaged to the sample cup for a couple of months...
(, Mon 22 Jun 2009, 12:59, closed)
A "lumpy" wank?
Oof, sounds painful.

Have a *click* though, if only for having to put up with this gobshite's ramblings for so long...
(, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 11:56, closed)
I feel jealous
in all my time in employment of various sorts, I've never had to experience some of the specimens being described in this QOTW. I feel like I'm missing out!

Still, with posts like these I can live vicariously! Another *click* for you, oh wordsmith.
(, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 16:14, closed)

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