Three years ago
my old boss took a few of us away for the weekend on a leadership exercise.

Unfortunately, my boss was not the best at forward planning. Also, being tighter than a canard's nipsy, it meant that we knew for a fact a quality weekend would not ensue. We were all told that it would be a no smoking affair, and all cigarettes and so on would be confiscated before leaving the office. No bother to me, as I didn't smoke then anyway.

So anyway, on the first night we arrived and were pleasantly surprised to find all our tents set up and away we went. To his credit, the evening's leadership exercises (all along the three pieces of rope, 2 planks and 5 metres of shark infested custard line) were quite well thought out. It was going well. Too well.

A dinner of some tasty sandwiches ensued, and we sat around on the ground.

"Right" says the boss "I want you all to tell everyone in the group one fact about yourself that we might find shocking."

Ooh fuckity, I think. I choose one out of the file marked risque but not depraved. "I once had sex with twins. One of each sex, at the same time." This got a round of "oohs" and a smattering of applause. Then it comes to my mate Rob's turn. Rob is an ex-squaddie, and built like a brick shithouse.

"Well" says Rob,"After I left the army, my mate set up a private security company for diplomats in Iraq. This was after the first Gulf War. One thing led to another, and I have in the past worked as a mercenary. I still do some odd jobs for him."

We all looked shocked. None of us had expected something that serious. The boss looked worse, but I think he was more worried that Rob was doing work outside company time!

Anyway, the sun slowly set and we decided to light the campfire.

Or at least attempt to.

Y'see, the boss had forgotten to bring any matches or anything to light the fire. "No matter" he cried "I know how to rub 2 sticks together to create flame. I watched Ray Mears once. You go off and have fun." I had also watched the portly Mr Mears, and decided that 2 sticks were good, but matches and a fuckload of high octane petroleum spirit were much better.

So we got the radio out and put on some tunesome music. 30 minutes later, the fire still wasn't lit, and the boss was getting hysterical in the ever increasing gloom. Me and Rob went over, and I put a comforting hand on his shoulder, to remind him everything would be alright and said:

"You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun's for hire
even if we're just dancing in the dark"
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Wed 24 Jun 2009, 17:32, 5 replies)

GOD DAMN IT
I've been slipping lately...
( MatJ LOOK, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 18:19, closed)

Nicely played
Best boss reference of the week so far
(Eoghan, Wed 24 Jun 2009, 18:21, closed)

Arf!
Well played sir.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 24 Jun 2009, 18:35, closed)

Hook, line...
and sinker.

Bastard.

*click*
( snee held his breath since, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 8:49, closed)

Cocks!
Right until the end, you bastard you!
(CptFantastic stopped doing work on, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 10:27, closed)