( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Wed 19 Jul 2017, 19:27, 2 replies)

( $$ ✅, Tue 18 Jul 2017, 9:47, 1 reply)

Worthy of The Colbys or Dallas...
At the Mother-in-law's funeral, the ex's uncle announced that he was not her uncle, but her half brother and her mum was his mum.
At the same funeral, it was revealed that the ex's sister was not really her sister when the ex's aunt announced that she was the mother of the ex's "sister".

What a totally screwed up family...
(bof, Fri 14 Jul 2017, 14:05, 1 reply)

Current mother in law, whinging about drafty hospital whilst her daughter, my wife, is recieving a stent for a fucking heart attack.

Also her house smells of dog shit and Jeyes Fluid, despite her owning neither a dog nor any fluid.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Fri 14 Jul 2017, 2:41, Reply)

The class divide
My Mum's family are pretty well off - professionals with big houses, 4x4s, that sort of thing - but my Dad was.. shall we say, differently moneyed. If you cunts met him in the pub you'd think he was a total dropout; never doing the same job more than a few months, always on the scrounge for change for a pint, would bend your ear on any subject but never really managed to actually be accomplished enough to settle into, you know, a career.

That didn't stop my Mum from falling completely in love with him, of course, which went down like burnt caviar with her parents. They took against my old man immediately and would make life as difficult as possible for them both.
I wasn't born yet but I've been told the stories of ambushing him with formal occasions just to watch him be refused entry to a posh restaurant because he didn't fit the dress code, or putting him on the spot at those godawful pretend "charity auctions" where people just waggle their expense account dicks at each other. Anyway, when they realised my Mum simply refused to break up with him they basically closed ranks and shut both of them out. They moved across the country to start out on their own, and although they couldn't afford it I was born about a year later.

Well wouldn't you know it, the cunt in-laws were right and my Dad fucked off when I was about 2; I've only seen him occasionally since then and I'm in my forties now. My Mum didn't forget the way the family had turned her out though and supported me alone, in a shit and decaying part of the country. I don't want to be too specific but when there's a cheese named after where you live, you know it's a shithole.

Anyway, every now and again the "family" would get in touch, or try to, asking after me, trying to make my Mum feel bad that instead of doing extra classes after school I was fucking around with a ball and my mates. They'd tell her we were welcome to come back any time... as long as my Dad wasn't involved. Looking back now, they didn't even know he'd left, but my Mum was way too proud to take up the offer, preferring them to think she was happy with Dad.

Meanwhile the area we lived just got rougher, you know what it's like when a whole town just gets passed over for any kind of positive investment.
Half the high street was shuttered; an unvandalised phone box was rarer than rocking horse shit. Generally you get on with it, and as a teenage boy I just sort of kept my head down and didn't let it bother me. But deep down I knew Mum was freaked out just a little bit more every time something happened. I wasn't going to be a shut in for her benefit so I made a point of being home when I said I would and managed to keep off the old Bill's radar by staying out of trouble.

I could always tell when Mum had had a letter from back home because she'd get really antsy, telling me I didn't appreciate what I had and accusing me of wanting to leave her. Looking back, it was a coping mechanism she was using to get her head around what she knew had to happen.

By the time I was 16 there were local gangs actively recruiting runners and vandals, kids who are only too keen to have an excuse to go smashing stuff up, literally at the school gates. Even some of my mates got involved. Eventually, of course, they didn't want to take no for an answer and on the way home I got jumped by four guys.

I managed to get away without being seriously hurt but when I got home my Mum freaked the fuck out and immediately sent me to live with my Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air.
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Thu 13 Jul 2017, 14:19, 17 replies)

vvvv Upset level :42

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 5 Jul 2017, 9:41, 3 replies)

All this "Mike Lindup" and "dog tits" stuff is dumb for even your Talk/efforts
Show some respect to those who still have some time and love this place. If you don't like it then stop whining and feck off and leave us alone from your childish pranks.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 4 Jul 2017, 20:52, 8 replies)

I once saw Mike Lindup shit on a dog's tits

( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 4 Jul 2017, 16:07, Reply)

Look, I'm just going to say it
I've never heard of mike fucking lindup.

(My MIL is lovely so there is nothing to report there)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Jul 2017, 10:18, 3 replies)