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"Why are you grinning? This isn't funny, you know. Are you in shock? Do you need to sit down?" said the bigwig manager at the large insurance firm named after a certain city in Switzerland.

I'd never got on with this man. I could never figure out what was wrong with him, he was so up his own arse I'm suprised he didn't constantly smell like shit instead of the overpriced aftershave he slapped on liberally. OK, we hadn't got off on the right foot when one night I politely advised him I'd love to ejaculate on his wife's tits. I was drunk.

Then it suddenly occured to me one day: The bloke simply couldn't cum. That would explain why he was such a complete and utter cunt. I imagine his balls were the size of coconuts and bluer than the deep blue ocean. The cunt.

"No, that's fine. I get it," I said. "Can I go now?" My boss sort of nodded in my direction. "No, you don't understand. Can I go. As in leave the building?"

The cunt grunted at me, well, that's good enough for me! As I'm walking out his office he tells me to clear my desk and leave my pass at reception.

I'd worked there for four years.

But I was fucking happy. The place was a shithole run by cunts - it was like being stuck in 1984 (the book, not the year, though that would probably've been pretty dire too, what with the endless Adam Ant songs and the shit hair). Most of my mates had already left and I was only there on account of being a lazy drifter with the work ethic of a flouncing supermodel with a nasty coke habit, with a hangover, having her period.

So, I went back to my desk and told my fellow workers I'd been sacked. Came as a bit of a suprise - I am actually fucking great at my job; always the top sales bod on the target boards wherever I work.

My mate from IT, Sanjay, was loitering in the office, checking out the skirt. He came and shook my hand: "You'll be missed, mate."

And then I packed my shit into a box, rang up for a taxi to take me home, and went downstairs. Sanjay came down with me, lending a hand.

"Well, the whole place is closing in a few months," he said. Being the IT bod he had a better idea what was going on - he would regularly tell me the contents of the top secret emails the big boss gods would send each other. "The whole business has gone down the shitter, mate. They're getting rid of everything at a cutprice." Then he stopped. "Hang on - go and wait in the taxi and I'll be right back down." And he fucked off back up the stairs.

I went down to the reception with my box of crap, handed in my security pass, chatted with the security guard for a while. Then my taxi pulled up and I ran clambered inside.

"Hang on a minute, mate," I asked the driver, who nodded and flicked the meter on anyway.

Moments later my mate Sanjay appeared with a box covered in a bin bag, he slid it onto the seat next to me, slammed the door shut and grinned down through the window: "There you go, Spanky - a leaving present."

"What is it?"

"Brandnew laptop. Never been opened. Top of the range. Worth over two-grand."

"Fuck me! Cheers, Sanjay!"

He shrugged: "Fuck it, it's not like I'm paying for it. Gissa ring sometime?"

"I certainly will, mate," and then I left in the taxi, with my pencils, my pens, my framed photo of Han Solo, and an rather nice bit of computer gear that I now write most of this utter drivel on when I'm not in the office.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:43, 11 replies)

I think maybe ...
... you should have saved that story for a "receiving stolen goods" QOTW.
(haberman is singing in the changes, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:51, closed)

dude! You're supposed to say Nineteen Eighty Four
or Enzyme will go postal.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 10:54, closed)

Karma, mate...

The loss of your job, the gain of the laptop...

Has all contributed to your filling these pages with brilliance.

That's your silver lining, right there.

wait a mo...1984? Wasn't that the year when Ghostbusters 1 - the original and best - was released? I believe it was!

*still bears grudge*

and Police Academy 1...and Spinal Tap...and Rromancing the Stone...and Indiana Jones and the temple of doom...and Gremlins...and Star Trek 3...Top Secret!...The Karate Kid...Bachelor Party...Revenge Of The Nerds 1...The Terminator 1...The Killing Fields...A Nightmare On Elm Street 1...Beverley Hills Cop 1...and many more.

That year was the greates year for movies. EVER!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:03, closed)

Ghostbusters 1
is ok. But it doesn't have the intellectual bite and nouse of Ghostbusters II, which is a commentry on life in the eighties, its better than Citizen Kane.

But fuck that - I watched Batman Begins for the first time the other night and very nearly shat myself, even better than The Dark Knight. It was so awsomely great I fainted afterwards - its hard to maintain an erection for over 2 hours without passing out.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:07, closed)

Hmmm...

I would hold those two on about an equal footing with perhaps TDK shading it.

We should go to the cinema together watch a film and discuss it over a pint afterwards...

And when the lights go down before the movie I could shout out:

"Oi Spanky! - I know it's dark...but for the last time...take that out of your mouth! - That is NOT your hot dog!"
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:18, closed)

Why, Sir
Are you grooming me?

Is this that internet grooming bollocks I've always dreamed of being a part of?

If so, I'd better wash the crusty scabs off my bell end.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:21, closed)

I said it yesterday
I'll say it again today,

Get a room you two!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:25, closed)

No...keep the scabs...

They're the tastiest bit!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:34, closed)

And...and... wasn't Adam Ant's career in decline by 1984???
*clicks*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:14, closed)

Don't worry about it
they can claim for a new one on the insurance.
(Rsoles, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 12:00, closed)

Clicked
mostly for your framed photo of Han Solo... genius!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 14:02, closed)