Cheeky Buggers
After a great 11 years serving my country (drinking beer and sha**ing all over the place) my time came to an end. After carrying out the laughable re-settlement courses i was thrust out into the cold.

After registering for jobseekers (pocket money to kids these days) i started the slog looking for a job which could pay for the mortgage, car etc etc.

After returning to the job centre week after week to show them the booklet i had filled in to prove i was actively looking for employment i had the luck to see a job in the local rag for a full time position in the ambulance service.

I sent off the application and got an interview. I pressed the old whistle, shined the shoes, and gave it my all in the invterview. Normally, they said, we like to see all of the candidates before offering a position (there were 3 going at the time so i was not buggering up anyone elses chances) but we would like to offer you a post to start asap. I said well how about Monday, (weekend on the old pop to celebrate) and they said great.

I shook their hands and walked out that few inches taller and with a spring in my step. When i got home I was greeted to a message on the phone to say that i needed to go in to the job centre to discuss the possiblity of my payments being reduced.

I duly arrived the next morning to be greeted by a dour faced, angry middle aged woman. She flicked through my booklet to check and said, "ok Mr Sh0ttie, here is the score. You have been claiming Jobseekers for too long and now we are going to be reducing you payments. ( I believe they genuinely thought that this is supposed to help you to motivate you into finding a job.)

She started to fill out a load of paperwork and then said that she was going to get it photocopied for my records when my phone rang. "One minute" says I and stands up and moves away to take the phone call. It was my new employers to confirm that I was starting that Monday and to say that my offer of employment and start date was in the post". Huzzah says i and proceeds to sit back down.

Said government clerk returns with a mountain of paperwork and starts to fill it in. As she was into..oh the third page i casually dropped into the conversation.."pardon me..but if i now have a job would all of this been a waste of time? "yes" says she looking suspicious, "ah well looks like we have both been wasting our time here then as that phone call was just confirming my new employment details. I guess i should have said sooner". "oh..well done..was it an interview that we put you in for?" says she


no it bloody wasnt i did all the slog, interviewed brilliantly and literally charmed the birds out of the trees..was what i wanted to say but all that came out was "no".

to say i felt smug as i left that life sucking office would be an injustice to the meaning of smug.
(sh0ttie, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 11:52, 5 replies)

Poor you,
Drinking beer and shatting all over the place.


I think I would have given up the beer if it did that to me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 13:14, closed)

Heh.
I thought, 'sharting'.
(Angie the Redneck Wonder, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 14:18, closed)

Do you...
..still sell your soul to the ambulance service?
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Fri 3 Apr 2009, 14:52, closed)

hey!
Stop trying to poach him for that other website you frequent. You know full-well that the b3ta brand of sick humour wouldn't go down well on there, and...

Wait, what am I saying?
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 16:04, closed)

I had the same experience
with a company called Remploy that claim to help disabled people get jobs. It went:

October: move to new town. Visit Jobcentre and introduce myself to a Disability Employment Advisor (DEA) who says she can't do anything for me but will refer me to Remploy.

November: do a bit of job search, fill my applications, interview brilliantly and land myself a job. Negotiate my own 'reasonable adjustments', set up accessible transport, etc. DEA refuses to congratulate me on the basis that I'm "not as disabled" as some of her other clients. But still claims me as a success.

December: Remploy get around to processing my referral. Explain to the nice man that I've sorted things out myself, thankyouverymuch.

June the following year: Remploy offer me £50 to sign some documentation to "prove" that they helped me get my job and are any bloody use at all. I tell them to get to fuck.
( Batsgirl, Fri 3 Apr 2009, 18:45, closed)