Why I can never go back to Sweden

I'm married to a Swede. The blond type, not the root vegetable kind (although tubers possible have a better sense of humour than your average scando), anyway.

A few years ago we went to the wedding of one of her best friends, she was marrying a Finnish banker and the wedding was held in a castle on its own island just of the coast of Sweden. The best bit was we were going to be staying in the castle that night. The wedding itself was beautiful and touching and all he things you expect from the wedding. The evening was drunken, and carnage and all the things you would expect from the Finns. At one point I joined the semi naked father of the groom and his friends in attempting to swim back to shore to conquer "the bastard Swedes". That however is not the tale of nudity you're looking for.

You see, this is the tale of the furious incident of the tick in the night time.

In Sweden they have these tick things; they bury their head under your skin, releasing a local anesthetic and gorge on your blood. They are relatively common (especially on pets) and there is a simple knack of grabbing the body, twisting the head in a certain direction and pulling them out. If you pull it out wrong, the head snaps off and continues to burrow in causing massive infection. There are horror stories of people losing feet because of an infected bite.

But anyway, there we are, we've checked into our room in the castle, and my mother in law and her friend have come along for a nosy, they know the bride and want to pass on their best, as well as having a good poke around the castle. A long poke that seems to involve tea and sitting chatting, in my bloody room while I'm trying to get changed.

"I'll just pop into the loo shall I?"

*Silence*

Leaving them to it I wander into the bathroom, pull off my clothes, pull out my emergency beer from my suit bag and in full hand-on-hip, other hand drinking beer stance I take a no handed waz and peer out of the window. It's only when I go to shake that I realise something is wrong. There's an odd lump on my cock, and under no circumstances is that a good thing.

It was a tick.

One of those ticks is on my dick. I nearly fucking fainted. Gingerly pulling on my strides I walk back to the room.
"Honey?" I say "Can you just come here a sec?"
*Nattering"
"Uh, darling. I could do with your help"
*Nattering*
"WILL YOU GET YOUR FUCKING ARSE INTO THE BATHROOM NOW!"


Having been appraised of the situation (And stifling her mirth) she tells me that we have to pull it out.
"No fucking shit"
She then goes on to explain that it must be done the right way and regales me of tales of one footed hikers.
"Well get it out the right way" I say
"I don't know how" she says "Hang on"
Now I think she's phoning her step father, the doctor.
No
She walks back in, with her mother.
"Don't be shy she says, let me have a look"
Given the alternative I relent.
So I'm looking down, my mother in law and my wife are kneeling before me, my mother in law peering over her half moon specs at my cock, just an inch away from the tip of her nose. She has a fiddle, but can't move it.
"Brengt" she shouts. "Can you come her a second?" And in walks the friend who also kneels in front of me.
It was like a porno come true. Except for the blood sucking tick on my cock.
Anyway. They got it out. Everything is all ok.

Except the two cackling crones walked out and told the brides parents what had happened. Who told the grooms parent, who during the meal made a toast to "the English guy with a tick in his cock"
(voodo_kinky, Fri 29 May 2009, 12:38, 17 replies)

simply awesome
!
( rofl harris, Fri 29 May 2009, 12:41, closed)

Jesus....
Great post - monu-fucking-mental *click*
( SpankyHanky, Fri 29 May 2009, 12:46, closed)

It is a memory
I prefer to supress
(voodo_kinky, Fri 29 May 2009, 13:51, closed)

*click*
now there's one i havent heard before - well done!
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 29 May 2009, 13:01, closed)

Click
Great story! Have a *click*
(d347hm4n Fraggin your ass!, Fri 29 May 2009, 13:02, closed)

Busted
Young man. From Sweden.
(Browbeaten, Fri 29 May 2009, 13:17, closed)

Browbeaten, eh
Would that name be from the days of the Psycho coke dwarf?
(voodo_kinky, Fri 29 May 2009, 13:59, closed)

I do like those Swedish girls I tell ya that
I had this Swedish girl, 63 she was, she came up to me, she says "excuse me sir, d'ya mind if I sit down next to you"

I said hang about. I'll get us a hotel room, bitta room service, make love for nine hours, I wake up, I look down, and she’s got a pair of balls.

I couldn’t fucking believe it.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 29 May 2009, 13:17, closed)

So
you're saying you shagged a 63 year old Swedish bloke?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 29 May 2009, 14:06, closed)

Biggest laugh this week.
Cheers


Off to youtube....
(TheColonel, Sat 30 May 2009, 23:38, closed)

Oof
Great post, sir.

Have a click, and some eye-watering empathy
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Fri 29 May 2009, 15:40, closed)

My experience of Swedes
is that they're ever so matter of fact about nudity. You'd have been the only one who thought the whole thing odd. But you probably know that.
( Sonic the Hedgetrimmer doesn't care what you think, Sat 30 May 2009, 11:42, closed)

This get's clicked
Like mosquito's, wasps and every other insect around, the little bastards love me. My girlfriend's mother spend a fun half hour pulling ticks off my arms, legs and arse after an afternoon walk in the country.

They make a nice sizzle when burnt.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Sun 31 May 2009, 12:35, closed)

Lovely!
It was an average story until I read the last line and sprayed mirthful tea all over the desk.

EDIT: No! That is not a euphemism...
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Sun 31 May 2009, 14:32, closed)

Tick, cock, tick, cock, tick, cock...
BONG!

That is all.

*tick* *cock* *clock* *click*
( chart cat has an itch, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 2:45, closed)

Nice!
And you can say you had 3 swedish birds around your nob and it wouldn't be a lie!
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 16:45, closed)