My mate Edward and the 'Alien'…

Where do I start with Eddie? shall we put it kindly and say he was a little ‘Eccentric’ and not describe him as my first instinct suggested and call him ‘batshit mental’?

Apart from his love of being in the buff in public, Ted's only other vices were a unswerving belief in Aliens, which we tolerated, and a harmless hankering for ‘Kinder Surprise’, which I couldn’t abide. His addictive capacity for quaffing these shite, overpriced eggy treats with the crap toys inside knew no bounds, and he constantly had a big store of them that he carried round with him inside one of those big industrial Tea container thingies.

Like I said…batshit insane.

One day, Ed came running into the pub and said he had found a ‘friend from another world’ and he was going to keep him as a pet. Being sensitive to his obvious mental disorder I tried to both show understanding, yet let him down gently…:

“Stop being such a fucking thicky mong and get the beers in, you mentalist twatty jizz splat” I bellowed derisively.

“You’ll all be sorry” said Ted before continuing: “Me and my Alien friend are going to go and get nekked in the parks where all the schoolgirls hang out!”

“For the sake of wobbly fuck, don’t be such a pile of cunt bristle” I retorted “You’ll get yourself fucking arrested”

But my impassioned pleas fell on deaf (and stupid) ears…The next day I was more than surprised however when I picked up a copy of the local newspaper and read this story:

‘A local nutjub was arrested yesterday after flashing in the town park with a naked alien creature. After hearing distressing reports from nearby school girls, police investigated and disturbed not only a barking mad fruitloop with his knob hanging out, but a genuine bollock naked life form from another planet. When startled, the offender, in his thirties, then dropped his industrial tea receptical containing Kinder Surprises and ran, managing to avoid the chasing police. However, they were both later apprehended and forensic evidence pinned the man to the scene by way of finger prints left on the item he abandoned’.

The headline was: ‘Urn eggs peg Ted, Nude E.T‘
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 1 Jun 2009, 16:29, 10 replies)

Heh,
I'd say *spangs*, but I don't really know what *spangs* refers to.

*spangs*
(Scritty Bakerman., Mon 1 Jun 2009, 16:32, closed)

*Spang*
Is the onomatopaeic term for a deserved bash in the face with a spanging pan.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 16:38, closed)

Ha !
Lovely job!!!
( SpankyHanky, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 16:52, closed)

Nice one M'boy!
I obviously peaked too early. Fnarr
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 17:47, closed)

outrageous.
cunt bristle...
( Zhmei HEY B3TA I WAS ON YOUR DINGY ISLAND AT LAST!1!, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 20:24, closed)

*gigglespang*
"twatty jizz splat"
"wobbly fuck"
"cunt bristle"
(blinkin the merrily misanthropic IT gremlin, Mon 1 Jun 2009, 20:58, closed)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
"nude ET"

drops to floor sobbing
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 4:53, closed)

"Nude ET"
sorry Pooflake - didnt realise you'd used "Nude ET".
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 10:31, closed)

Marvellous
A fine piece of punning Sir, and I'd be sure to read more newspapers if they contained such description as "not only a barking mad fruitloop with his knob hanging out, but a genuine bollock naked life form from another planet"

I'm sure I'll not be alone in referring to some of my friends as "piles of cunt bristle" over the next few days.

*click*
(Rotimer was micturating windward at, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 10:50, closed)

Damn,
I've been working on an 'eggs' pun for a day or two and have only come up with garbage. Well done to you sir.
( Funkenschlag still likes dogs more than cats, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 12:57, closed)