Stiff upper lips...
Nudity? If I could shower in a wetsuit so as not to have to look at the effect gravity has had on me over the years, I’d be happy. So tales of me accidentally (or deliberately) getting my muff out are rare. But there’s one occasion I can’t avoid it; one time that rolls around periodically that I have to expose myself to a complete stranger. This is not, as Rachelswipe would have you believe, after I’ve had two bottles of wine, gone to Club de Fromage and been last seen leaving draped over a 22 year old (though to be fair, she’d be right). No, it’s the smear test.

While I was in the US, my family doctor decided that 3-5 yearly minge examinations were an abomination brought about by socialized medicine and despite the fact that I’d been scraped not 18 months previously, she scheduled me for another one.

I turn up for my appointment, with a ladygarden so clean you could eat your dinner off it and proceeded to disrobe from the waist down, as is customary. I then waited to hear possibly the most unromantic words in the English language; “Just shuffle down to the end of the bed, slip your feet into the stirrups and pop your knees apart.” Note to any budding OB-GYNs, using the word “pop” as a euphemism for “spread ‘em, bitch” does not endear you to us.

Now my doctor in the States was a resident (devotees of ER will know what I mean) and thus was still very much in a learning phase; I discovered this when she informed me (whilst warming the speculum) that she’d only really observed pap smears before and had never done one unsupervised. Oh. Great.

Apparently, downstairs ladybits can come in a variety of shapes and well, textures and the like. It can take an experienced eye to be able to tell what’s normal (but just a little freaky looking) and what’s a potential problem. So our brave doctor goes in with the toolkit, has a poke around and I hear “hmmmm… that doesn’t look right.” These are not words I ever want to hear while I have my flange in someone’s face.

“I’m just going to get the attending” she says, and with this, departs. Leaving me, legs akimbo, with the fucking speculum still inserted. Minutes, uncomfortable minutes pass and she returns with her boss, who makes her way straight to the head of the bed, introduces herself and shakes my hand. I cannot describe how weird a sensation this was; to be lying, semi naked, with a large piece of metal hanging out of my chuff, making small talk with a total stranger. Both doctors then crouch at the foot of the bed and have a long discussion about my genitalia (don’t mind me, will you) before I hear the ever comforting words “some of them just look like that…” at which point the attending bids me farewell and leaves.

So far, no accidental nudity. However one of the other reasons I’d gone to the clinic that day is I’d been having an allergy to something and was wheezing quite badly. The resident was clearly relieved to be back on territory she was more familiar with and so, grabs a stethoscope and some kind of nebulizer thing and begins checking me out. Which would have been fine had she not just told me to take the gown off but neglected to give me chance to put my pants back on. And I’m British, goddamn it. I don’t like to make a fuss about these things. So I stood for a whole five minutes, clunge on view, while she made sure that I wasn’t about to go into anaphylactic shock. We discussed prescriptions, whether I needed a flu shot and made chit chat about the weather.

To be fair, doctors see far worse than my flaps (I hope) on a daily basis but for an old prude like me it has to rank as one of the most surreal experiences of my time over there.

I’ll refrain from a length joke as everything is well within normal range…
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 9:08, 11 replies)

Just to preempt the inevitable chorus...
... pics or GTF.

Congratulations on such a comprehensive range of synonyms for mimsy.

How're you these days, anyway?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 9:31, closed)

You lucky

In Spain we do it every year, and you have to be completely naked, as the doctor (in my case an old man that looks a lot like Benny Hill) has to check your tits and he takes an eco of your belly too
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 3 Jun 2009, 9:57, closed)

.
when my ex had her smear test the Doctor invited a load of first year students to have a look at her chuff.

She said "hello! How do you do!" to them while her legs were in the stirrups.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 10:04, closed)

At least she remembered to remove the speculum
I had one leave it in for a while, forget about it when the phone rang and it clattering to the floor when I sneezed.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 11:07, closed)

aarrgghh
Happy memories.. Damn Doctor got mine cross threaded once.. Took all the yoga breathing I could do to remove the thing...
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 11:32, closed)

Cross threaded!?!?
What the hell *is* this speculum thing?
( Scrumper, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 12:21, closed)

It's a fancy word
for a fannyscope.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 12:41, closed)

Yep I know its purpose
but not how you could get one cross threaded. The mental image was horrific and funny. I thought it was a small, spoon-like device with a long, thin handle. I guess it's bigger than that.
( Scrumper, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 12:46, closed)

I think
that was a joke!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 12:49, closed)

Oh dear
So was my first reply. Time to give up on this one I think :)
( Scrumper, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 13:01, closed)

Ah, good
A story from Rakky. We've been missing these for a while.

Keep 'em coming, lass.

*clicks*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 3 Jun 2009, 12:42, closed)