Early Tub Girl.
I’ve repressed this one for years, due to reasons that will become abundantly clear.

My first shag was a bit, um...memorable for all the wrong reasons.

I was about 18, at a house party, lots of grog, young people getting drunk etc etc.

I got completely shitfaced, could hardly stand up, but ended up in a bedroom with a...err...slightly larger than normal equally drunk girl. It was her bedroom, and she was rather keen for me (or any bloke with a pulse) to stay the night. She was a bit rough, bit of a scrubber, but I had the beer goggles well and truly welded on.

We fumbled around for a bit, and much to my excitement, started doing the deed, like, you know, real sex and stuff! Gosh, it was better than I’d imagined, and best of all, large girl was an enthusiastic partner. Very enthusiastic. Sort of...like, really really enthusiastic, directing the action like a control freak hippo on heat.

I had just started shagging her doggy style, looked down to admire her large flabby white buttocks, and saw that she hadn’t really done a great job of wiping her arse when she has last coiled out a shit.

Farrrkin gross, man. The faint smell of shit set me off, and despite trying to pull out I chundered all over her back and the bed. There was a pause, then the chain reaction kicked in, and she projectile vomited all over the bed too.

Pure Class.

So, there I was, balls deep in a large girl, in a sea of mutual vomit. I momentarily stopped humping, “this is not very nice, it’s gone too far”. I thought.

A couple of seconds of silence... the stench of freshly regurgitated pizza wafting through my nose...then she loudly screams...”don’t fucking stop fuck ya! Keep fucking going, keep fucking going’”.

Jesus Christ. What kind of animal would want to continue after that little interlude?

I felt obliged to keep going, but the whole experience was becoming, errr, way too sordid. And smelly. After a bit, I clambered off the bed, and despite the enticing (not) offer of bum sex, made my exit.

I stumbled around the house, coated in a slick of vomit, found my clothes, stole a towel and stumbled home as quickly as I could.

Never saw her again.




Fucking sick.
( Ken Oath, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 3:01, 14 replies)

That's disgusting - you completely confused 'clambered' with 'clamoured'. Yuck.

( 4Q just lurking, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 3:15, closed)

Shit. Sorry, it just came out that way. All fixed.
( Ken Oath, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 3:55, closed)

Hi Ken
This is your sense of propriety just reminding you to delete your account when you are finally done with b3ta just to ensure your children never read about how you lost your virginity.
:P
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 19 Feb 2013, 4:05, closed)

I think this admission pretty much kills off any remote possibility of attending a bash.
( Ken Oath, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 6:28, closed)

Not necessarily
but you may have excluded yourself from any bumfun with any of the single, female attendees.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 19 Feb 2013, 7:54, closed)

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 9:48, closed)

In the words of another Internet user
"I always thought I was relatively broad-minded, until someone told me to google "Vomit fetish"."

Try also, "Emitophile" (sp?)
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 9:49, closed)

I know a woman who used to work as an, um, "escort"
...and declared once that she was, therefore, unshockable.

Turns out that that wasn't true. She'd never heard of a Rainbow Felch, for example.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 12:50, closed)

Neither have I, and I'm not game to Google it.
( Ken Oath, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 4:15, closed)

I've done worse.
But I was sober so it doesn't belong here.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 20 Feb 2013, 4:22, closed)

I've clicked 'I like this'
but I don't not really.

*bork*
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 14:44, closed)

Jesus wept

( Major Turd for tonight only, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 15:54, closed)

I'm going to click this just see, if it wins whether Rob would put at the top of the newsletter.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 21:02, closed)

^^ HAHAHA!
Just clicked too - great plan!
( da5id <YOUR SIG HERE>, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 21:17, closed)

Me too.

( Infidel , shit and wrong, Wed 20 Feb 2013, 1:09, closed)