Pretty much perfect
I never even kissed a girl till I was 18 due to terminal shyness, anorexic weediness and being hideously pizza faced. Roaccutane (that stuff is a godsend) and joining the army meant that 6 months later I was six foot, six packed, 200lb and baby smooth skinned. This improved the odds a bit as when I was home on leave I felt a tap on my shoulder 'I've never seen you in here before' and all of a sudden its snog central. Three hours later its off home with a smile to go back to base where opportunities for further shennanigans were severely curtailed. The result was a full blown infatuation. Given that I had not seen a boob I was not related to, the promise that when we next saw each other could mean racing through years of teenage groping and get right up to the main event - all in the course of days, hours or even minutes - became a bit of an obsession.
I had a formal do coming up and I needed a date. So I booked a plane ticket and a room in the finest hotel Canberra had to offer. She came, looked lovely and the night went swimmingly.

Only one problem.

I was not allowed off base on Friday night. So with a bulge in my pants I sent her off to the king sized bed in the five star room all alone. Rats.

Morning and that was me out of there like greased lightning with a twelve pack of condoms and my heart in my mouth. I knocked on the room door to be greeted with her wearing one of those wispy bits of nothing. No kiss, nothing just those wonderful words 'Come to bed' and the sight of the almost nothing turning to totally, wonderfully naked before my eyes.
I knew exactly what to do, and exactly where to find every single bit of a woman. I had wanted to make sure that when the opportunity turned up I was ready. I had nicked and read all my sisters magazines, I had paid very close attention in sex ed, the location of the clitoris was burned in my mind, I knew three sure fire ways to find the g-spot. I was theory up to the eyeballs. Here was practice!
Shaking like a leaf started at the foot of the bed and worked my way quite quickly up the bed till I found what I was looking for (yes, I went down on a woman before I ever felt a boobie). Turns out she had other ideas, and two minutes later we were down to 11 condoms and I had a massive grin on my face.
26 hours later, we had to stop. We were out of condoms. We were both in physical pain, and we had christened the shower, the bath, the floor, the sofa, the balcony, the lawn looking down over lake Burley Griffin and done it in every position we could think of. And every last minute of it was utterly fantastic.

I put her on the plane home and never saw her again.......
(I am the infinite monkey!, Fri 4 Mar 2005, 17:31, Reply)