From stud to crud
Turned up to university a wide-eyed fresher who basically knew very little about women - especially in the downstairs department. Things were about to change though as I had struck gold within the first few days.

Within halls, I had met a gorgeous girl in my corridor and on a night out she was fondling my leg under the table. I managed to play it cool, but inside I was jumpier than a kangaroo with ADHD. (She was wearing high heeled boots at the time - so hot. Let's just say I had more than a semi-on at the time.)

As the night progressed, all I could think about was "Is this it?", and that question scared the bejeesus out of me. By the end of the night we were in my room and things were going well, too well perhaps, because we didn't do it at all but just spent most of the night talking, kissing and doing other stuff.

"mmm...Anti-climax" I hear you say.

No my friend, because I knew that we were going out the next evening and this time I was definitely going to "seal the deal" as it were.
So, in preparation, I decided that in order to avoid the 'pump, pump, squirt' scenario, I was going to fwap off as much as I could beforehand.

Turned out to be an awesome decision as I pumped away like a true porn star, lasting for ages, but not too long, and more importantly she had no idea about my 'V' status. She loved it, since it led to a series of awesome sex sessions that evening, week, month and indeed the rest of the year. I was truely a stud (in my own eyes, obviously. And perhaps hers!)

"Why stud to crud then?" I hear you murmur.

Well my man, let's fast-forward five years on, to just over a week ago. Similar scenario, met a girl previously, got on well but didn't "seal the deal" due to general pissedness, smell of sick on breath and beer stains on clothes. For some bizarre reason she seemed to love it. Anyway, a week passed and several text messages later, I knew in advance that said girl is going to be at a certain nightspot that shall remain unnamed. Did I use my previous studly knowledge regards to fwapping beforehand, not getting too pissed and in general acting cool and confident?

Did I fuck.

I got absolutely mullered; so mullered that it probably ranks in my top ten of all time mulleredness. Puked beforehand. (Thank God for chewing-gum.) Acted like a total twat, but still the daft fool wanted to come back with me.

Lets just say my performance puts the whole of mankind to shame. No excuses. I was just shite.

Still, I came in her mouth. Not all bad!

And the moral of the story? Well none really. Even after my complete rubbishness in the sack, she still wants to see me again.

There's one born every second.
(Roy Horn, Fri 4 Mar 2005, 18:41, Reply)