Facial
Casual sex is akin to having a nice kebab with extra garlic sauce. It’s nice at the time, but hardly memorable, you usually only get it when you’re blind drunk, and they both leave you with a funny taste in your mouth and weird gelatinous crusty juices round your gob with accompanying funky smelling fingers.

One time I picked up this girl at the Coliseum in Coventry. Don’t know what her name was, but I recall she was a porky redhead with a bit of a limp and the sort of BO that would kill a horse at twelve paces. We went back to her shitty little flat and got jiggy under the duvet. She didn’t even offer me a cup of tea first.

I’m lying there, head spinning on account of all the Becks and Grand Marnier chasers – the fat redhead clambers on top, shuffles down my pissed-up body with the grace and beauty of a horny cross dressing warthog, and starts fumbling with my jeans buttons.

“ Here’s something to get you going,” she says, and sits up, rips off her top and reveals a humungous pair of terrifying fried egg tits with nipples so large and dark it was like staring into the face of a particularly sinister googly-eyed clown of Satan.

She then whips out my flaccid little cock and starts sucking away with such ferocity I thought she was going to detach the damn thing from my body, it was as if she thought I’d been bitten on the bell end by a viper and she was determined to suck out all the poison before necrosis set in. Head still spinning, I stared down, grabbing the bed sheets through sheer fucking panic. It hurt. Was she using her fucking teeth??? But then I reasoned: a blowjobs a blowjob, even if it’s being given to you by someone with the oral sex skills of Freddie Kruger in a particularly nasty mood.

She stops sucking, looks up at me and says with utter conviction: “Don’t cum in my mouth.” Then she returns to the job in hand. SLUUURRRPP – SLUUUURRRRPPPP – SLUUURRRRPPPP. Stops. Looks up again: “I mean it... Let me know when you’re gonna cum.”

I felt like saying: “At this rate, sweetheart, I might shoot my load sometime in the next fucking century.” But I didn’t. Golden Rule Number 1: Never piss off a woman who happens to have your cock in her hand (especially if she’s got a set of razor-sharp false nails superglued on her stubby little mitts). Instead I nodded, closed my eyes, and imagined she was somebody else more attractive and less smelly.

After about TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES of inept blowjobbyness, I felt the familiar feeling in my cock and balls. My dick started twitching and I could feel myself reaching the point of no return. I was actually quite enjoying it, now. On a rating of ten, it was a definite two, but – being the trooper that I am – I was still about to shoot my baby cannon in a nice warm orifice. Shit! No! Not allowed! She said I couldn’t spurt in her gob. Bollocks!

Ahhh, fuck it – what’s the worst that can happen? I reasoned, curled my toes, made my cumming sex noise (something like a startled gorilla mating with a dolphin on PCP), and let loose a peel of hot, sticky jizz into the furthest reaches of this redheads throat.
She made a strange spluttering sound, sat bolt upright, then she spewed into her mouth and kept it trapped in her cheeks like an overfed, pissed, horny hamster. I watched, horrified, as she managed to swallow the puke back down. Then, in the space of a millisecond, she lurched forward and –

BBBLLLLUUUUUURRRRRRGGGHHHHHH !!! YYYYAAAACCCKKKK !!!
SPLLLUUURRRRRGGGGGGG !!! BBBBLLLLLUUUURRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH – HHHHHHHH – HHHHHHH – HHHHHH !!!

All... Over... My... Fucking... Chest...

...&...

...FACE...

I swear I was picking half digested babysham, rum and coke, mushed up McDonalds French fries and curdled sprog sorbet out of my hair for fucking weeks.

And she didn’t let me put my purple-headed meat mamba up her afterwards, even though I asked politely and offered to clean up the mess...

Turns out she really, really, REALLY didn't like taking a shot in the mouth - caused havoc with her gag reflex...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 11:21, 4 replies)

Urrrgh
*Click* for manfully still trying your luck after that.
( Scrumper, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 11:28, closed)

Wrong...
on so many levels. Funny though...*Clllllick*
(Eggstrovert isnt patronising you...honest..., Fri 8 Jan 2010, 11:41, closed)

Thats truly disgusting!
Funny though so gets my click - dont think I'll be eating lunch anytime soon though.
(Hotty, Fri 8 Jan 2010, 11:46, closed)

Serves you right

(whiskas loved by 8 out of 10 cats, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 18:05, closed)