Shit and stuff
So my son shat himself. Not that strange, considering he is only two years old, although pushing three. We were playing outside, and I failed to notice in time. As we get in and start removing the outer layers of clothes it becomes much less unnoticeable.

So we start changing the diaper. Him on his back, fairly content and oblivious to the smell and foulness of his doings. The amount of shit would have made a silver back gorilla uneasy. Or on a human scale - enough to desire immediate undo of fathership. He is covered in shit. Shit running on the inside of his trousers even messing the socks. Shit on the back all the way to his neck and both his willy and his navel are covered in brown filth that unfortunately reminds me of the lasagne we had for lunch.

I refrain from running away by utilising all my strength and by using as little oxygen as possible. My son is chatting away, but all I can see is a babbling turd. I face my fears of throwing up. However, had I thrown up at this time, it would probably have ended well and no permanent wounds would have damaged the family structure.

As it happens he has a stiffy - small kids have that for no particular reason and its not really a big deal. Unless off course you have to clean it, because it is brown and it should be pink. I take a deep breath. I carefully clean it - leaning over a little bit to see if I got the bits under it. I don't want to bend it - hell I don't even want to touch it. He starts pissing. A full manly piss that would make me strangely proud if he did it in the garden. Away from me. Particularly so, if he did not do it in my mouth.

A cascade of lasagne escapes my stomach and thunders through my mouth. My gut reaction is to straighten up and back away. Unfortunately that results in me throwing up bulks of digested mince straight on my sons face. So he throws up and starts screaming - a dampened and frightened scream with sounds of bubbles. A sound that will haunt me until the day I die.

I take a further step back and look at the horrors caused by inside human stuff. I step on my wife's feet - she had tiptoed into the room to see how I managed and apparently stood there for a little while. I don't do many diapers and she wanted to see how we managed. Her two favourite boys. But as I am standing on her toes she does what one does when one wants to walk back but ones toes are stood upon.

She falls.

And grabs me from behind.

So I fall. On top of her. Still spewing.

The back of my head hits her nose violently and her nose explodes in a fountain of blood. The nose is broken and we both have a concussion. Not that anyone cares at this point in time. We are busy.

Busy throwing up.

Busy bleeding.

Busy crying.
(ThorTheBear Always remember to pillage before you burn, Sat 9 Jan 2010, 20:33, 13 replies)

Nice.
I thought every answer to this question would be I got pissed and threw up, but that is epic. Click.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 9 Jan 2010, 23:39, closed)

*Clicks*
The FUNNIEST thing I have read all week!!!
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sat 9 Jan 2010, 23:45, closed)

I read
"throwing up bulks of digested mice"
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 3:37, closed)

And I thought it was bad...
...when my daughter shat in my face. Click FTW.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Sat 9 Jan 2010, 23:51, closed)

Fuck.
nicely written.
*click*
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Sun 10 Jan 2010, 0:40, closed)

brilliant
clucked
(maggotriddendirtbox fast, feral and sharp as a tack since, Sun 10 Jan 2010, 1:30, closed)

a babbling turd
you get a click just for that
(OTT, Sun 10 Jan 2010, 12:05, closed)

^^this
as a parent of a 2yr old myself I lolled lots at this :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sun 10 Jan 2010, 13:07, closed)

^this
earned you the click before i'd even finished the story
(Pavlov'sDog is all out of pavlova, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 19:59, closed)

Holy shitting fuck!
What happened next? Did you stick him in the bathtub and hose him down with the shower head?
( Bob Todd whee, Sun 10 Jan 2010, 12:32, closed)

My son puked intop my wifes mouth once.
I was going to post that story until I read your story which beats it hands down.
(wobbler, Sun 10 Jan 2010, 15:51, closed)

"The Aristocrats!"
Too much?
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 13 Jan 2010, 3:36, closed)