2 seconds too late.
18 years old, I have secure employment. I move out of home (untenable situation) and rent an entire house to myself. It soaks up all my weekly wages in rent, so I attempt to sublet a few rooms, so I may have enough money to eat.

Despite many ads in the local rag, “Greasy John” is the only person to apply for a room, so I let him in, out of pure financial neccesity.

I knew the previous tenants quite well, a bunch of private school boys, first in my home town to try smack and cocaine, first to distribute acid trips, first to inject beer (wtf!!). Lots of money, lots of really pretty posh druggy girly friends. Knocked about with them for a bit, but became disturbed by their care-free, money-free druggy habits and casual attitude to the law. Carefully drifted away from their scene, but was keen to take over their lease in a great house. Scored the house, and a few latent visitors….

First night in my new “home”, had the fire blazing in my bedroom fireplace, ordered a pizza, delivered to my new address (so exciting and new). Very self-satisifed, settled into bed in a warm room, tum full of pizza and a few beers…..and why not? Let’s have a good satisfying wank in my new home, and off to sleep…deeply satisfied with my new found independence.

So, a few strokes later, there is a healthy streak of ropey cock vomit blurted across my chest, I reach for the “love sock” to mop it up, when there is a loud “knock knock” at the front door. I freeze, 2 seconds too late.

Fuck.

As I frantically reach for the love sock to mop up my goodtime, good old “Greasy John” has answered the door, and ushered in a couple of posh tarts, who used to score off the previous tenants (Penelope and Madeline, no less, now respected lawyers), and within seconds I have reefed the sheets up to my chin as two plummy hot girls are perched on the end of my sad little single bed, imploring me to come out and party (paaartay).

Brief tops, short skirts, expensive perfume, after a bit of rough trade to play with for the night. Simply fucking brilliant timing. Not.

I am totally naked, the sheets are slowly sticking to my chest as the semen dries and does what is does best – resemble cold unpleasant glue. My once magnificent cock slowly wilts away, job finished, oozing a few last defiant drips of cum onto my pubes, as we chat.

They flirt for a while, wondering why I don’t lower the sheets and let them have a good look at the goods, or at least get out of bed, get dressed in front of them and come out to party (paaartay).

For fuck’s sake, the room reeks of semen – is it totally foreign to these two? Jesus, it’s cold, sticky and I just want to clean it up.

I remain steadfast in my frigid state, holding the sheets up to my chin, lest they detect the absolute mess of splurry that lies beneath.
That would look great, yeah, fling aside the sheets, leap out of bed, spraying cum everywhere like some demented masturbating baboon. I don’t think so.

So, eventually it becomes a weird post-wank Mexican standoff.

“Come out with us, or at least show us what you’ve got”.

"No, really girls, I’m really tired, so much pizza and that, honestly..”

"No! Come on, we’re up for a GOOD NIGHT, geddit? Come on, at least drop the sheets and let us see you.”

“No, really, um…errr…listen, you are both really hot, but umm…I gotta go to work tomorrow to my minimum wage job (like that ever fucking mattered, when faced with a night of being physical entertainment for two utterly divine plummy chicks).

“Ok, Fuck it, your loss, we’re going, ta ta.”

And with that, they disappeared into the night.

Jesus. Shit. Fuck. Bastard.


Two really posh types, sitting on the end of my bed, not very subtle about their bestial needs, slipped away, into the night for the sake of one mis-timed wank.




I quickly mopped up, sighed heavily, made a consoling Milo, and went back to a slightly gluey reeking bed.
( Ken Oath, Sat 25 Aug 2012, 14:05, 23 replies)

"I've just had a wank. Give me five minutes for a shower and I'll be right with you."
I dunno. Seems like an awful lot of the disappointments in qftw stories could have been solved by just explaining the situation rather than curling up into a socially inadequate snail.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 25 Aug 2012, 14:10, closed)

True.
Pity you weren't there to advise of appropriate protocol.

Anyway, in the haze of post-cum indifference, a mug of Milo and a ciggie seemed a bit more appealing.
( Ken Oath, Sat 25 Aug 2012, 14:14, closed)

I should set up some kind of helpline like those australian beach psychiatrists on the television.
Is the old swap shop number available?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 25 Aug 2012, 14:32, closed)

Yeah, that would help.
Got no idea what a "beach psychiatrist" is, or "swap shop number", but nonetheless, if you can channel all your efforts into helping other blokes caught in this situation, and one day, just one manages to fuck a posh junky slag, then it's all been worth it.

Go for it, I know you'll put in the hard yards. Great to see such commitment, and to think all this time, I thought you were just a sarcastic cunt. You really do care!
( Ken Oath, Sat 25 Aug 2012, 14:39, closed)

I think I've found my calling.
The "how not to fail at manhood and maybe get to do some sex while we're at it" service.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 25 Aug 2012, 14:49, closed)

There you go!
Glad I played some small part in your new career path. Hairy chested internet dude advises blokes who wank. Full of promise, I forsee a franschise arrangement, riches and fame, and you being showered with gold.
( Ken Oath, Sat 25 Aug 2012, 14:56, closed)

Or strings of desperate semen.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 25 Aug 2012, 14:59, closed)

Pearls of wisdom.

( Ken Oath, Sat 25 Aug 2012, 15:00, closed)

Tasty salty pearls.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 25 Aug 2012, 16:27, closed)

Sensuous Bisto?

( ousgg is not seeking approval, Sat 25 Aug 2012, 20:49, closed)

.....
.... worth it
(TheJacksonSixth, Sat 25 Aug 2012, 15:50, closed)

Yeah...sort of................
It was an excellant Milo, made on full milk, not half water half milk. Pizza repeated on me all night though.
( Ken Oath, Sun 26 Aug 2012, 0:36, closed)

Swanky milo eh?

On a tangent - anyone know where I can get the sauce for smug croissant guy?
EDIT: Apparently you can get milo in a can.
'knoath!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 26 Aug 2012, 0:59, closed)

And never wanked again.

(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Sat 25 Aug 2012, 17:18, closed)

Only behind locked doors,
after checking the front door for surprise visitors, and had a long shower afterwards, lashing myself with birch sticks to atone for my sins.
( Ken Oath, Sun 26 Aug 2012, 0:38, closed)

wanker

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Sat 25 Aug 2012, 21:25, closed)

Really cunts me off that I can't play with Shambo
You could've lead them in with - "You girls ever seen spunk?"
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 25 Aug 2012, 22:25, closed)

click - for the Milo

(justin(e), Sun 26 Aug 2012, 6:23, closed)

You should have asked them to lick the cum off you.

( skeltonator Needs some new daps., Sun 26 Aug 2012, 15:39, closed)

Or at least get rid of it with a good piss?

( Ken Oath, Mon 27 Aug 2012, 11:28, closed)

My memory may be faulty but
I seem to remember at 18, with appropriate stimulation, being able to get off 5 times in a night. I don't think I had unusual abilities.
Perhaps you should have seen a doctor.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Mon 27 Aug 2012, 3:56, closed)

You so big!
& virile.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 27 Aug 2012, 9:59, closed)

I imagine you impressed all your mates with your mad wanking skillz.

( Ken Oath, Mon 27 Aug 2012, 11:27, closed)