Breaking up IS hard to do
Age 19, I wanted to break up with my first ever 'proper' girlfriend after 5 months of relationship and I knew not to start with "we need to talk" as it means only one thing, "Dumpsville, population: You". I had it planned, we were going to the student union on a Wednesday night as per normal. I would get drunk for courage and dump her on the way home where the path branches off to our separate halls of residence. That way I was spared any long sobbing chats & I would be back in time for tea & toasties, hooray!

Unfortunately I got too drunk, missed the point where the path branches and led down in the main road like the drunken student twat I was. Right, take two...the following week I drank 1 drink less than the previous week and dumped her right on the money, I was about to march off for aforementioned tea & toasties when she said "what, aren’t you going to walk me back?". That 5-minute walk felt like 5 hours & put me off my tea & toasties completely.

Age 21 - Just about to finish uni and I want to dump my cow of a girlfriend after 1 year of relationship. She had called me and asked me to come over, as "we need to talk"...YESSSS!!!! Said I when the phone went down, I did a little victory dance as SHE WAS GOING TO DUMP ME! BRILLIANT! She would be the bad guy, I would have the moral high ground, everything would be hunky-dory & I would have a clean conscience, FANTASTIC!

I get to her place and she's all bubbly & happy. Shit. "Err, you said we needed to talk", "Oh, I just wanted to see you". Shit. So I re-started an old argument & finished with her, rolling out all the time honoured clichés of "it's not you it's me" etc etc. She tried to seduce me and said we could carry on going out until we graduated in a months time, but I had suspected for a while she was trying to get pregnant by not taking her pill, and anyway, I’m not that kind of guy.

Age 27 - Here we go again. After 3 years of relationship I was completely fed up of my arrogant snotty girlfriend & it was time to do the (un)decent thing and dump the bitch. Experience had told me that doing it on a walk or going round the soon-to-be-dumped house just gets you trapped & you have to have goodbye hugs and watch them cry, so it was time to sink to a new low. Dumping by telephone, only dumping by text message could be classed as lower....

...And it worked out really well, never saw her again and it felt like a much cleaner break. There is no 'good' way of finishing with someone so you might as well do it in a way that causes you the least grief, and that way ladies & gentlemen, is by telephone.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:32, Reply)