Management genius
An Anglo-Dutch haulage firm I used to work for way back had an unwelcome change in regieme when their resident "axe man" was put in charge of the UK operation. We were a mixed bunch of English, Dutch, German and Swedish folk who all got on quite merrily until Georg turned up.

First day in he greets the German, the Dutch guys and the Swede but snarls at the English staff.

Second day in he decides out IT overheads are too high and in conversation withour (female) IT manager suggests that "women aren't intelligent enough to operate computers".

On the third day he berates the office manager who had the audacity to go home at 6pm to his wife (and also the intended recipient of some cost cuts) and suggests "you ought to invest in a whore instead. Then you'll have more time to work!".

Georg was in full swing by now. Quite how he survived three days without being beaten the shite out of was a mystery, however all that was set to change when a driver was summoned to a meeting. Said driver was a man of the highest integrity and took great offence at being called a "stupid truck driver" and promptly expressed his desire to punch Georg's lights out. Georg wasn't used to people not being scared of him and was somewhat anxious to discuss favourable terms, only to change his mind after the driver left the office.

Georg then excelled himself in negotiations with our biggest client; a certain well known automotive company with the letter "F" in it's name. We were the lowest bidder for the business by quite some margin, which Georg attributed to his ability to factor in the fuel economy of our fleet of Scanias. We won the bid but quickly discovered the secret to Georg's genuis. Turned out he'd based his calculations on our trucks being able to average no less than 30mph en route to Dagenham engine plant, but failed to note the collections were timed at 8am and 5pm respectively on weekdays.

We made a loss on ever collection we made and it took months for the truth to come out. Much cheering greeted the news that Georg had been summoned to head office in Holland and handed his P45.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 25 Apr 2007, 13:46, Reply)

Motivational posters..
Are full of wonderful management speak and the place where I work has none, which isnt good for morale. So I made some up. Want to see them?

"Avoid employing the mentally disabled, a team is only as strong as it's weakest link"

"Remember, the next time you are as happy as Larry that Larry was probably a manic depressive"

And my personal favourite

"Think of blame as genital warts, it is to be passed on at any available opportunity"

I would apologise for being slightly off topic.
(The_Greyhound wrote www.luckymcdanger.blog.co.uk on, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 13:33, Reply)

Management material
I went for an interview with the IT department of a large company. Part of the all day session comprised a number of psychometric tests.

Anyway, cutting a long story short I was offered the job. I turned them down - a move to the other end of the country to stay in shitty Swindon being the decisive factor.

The 2 top dogs came up to meet me and try to persuade me to change my mind. Here's how it went.

Them: "Reverend, we've looked at the results for your psychometric tests, and you have the perfect attributes to become an IT manager."

Me: "Oh."

Them: "What is it Reverend?"

Me: "All the IT managers I know are assholes. No offence."
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 25 Apr 2007, 13:28, Reply)

.
I work in the bleeding edge (oops another annoying expression), hardcore rock and roll environment that is a stationery wholesalers and we have such delights as

"one team one vision" & "delight the customer"

Feel free to vomit
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 13:15, Reply)

AudreyForbes
So let me get this straight? You did the dutiful thing and "turned up" so that you could get rat-arsed at your b/f's expense and then when suitably pissed gave him the heave-ho AFTER he'd done the honorable thing and driven you home?

I think perhaps you should feel more than a little ashamed at yourself...
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 25 Apr 2007, 13:14, Reply)

remembered another one..which I don't remember at all...
I actually feel a bit ashamed of this one-but he really was crap in bed - LESS than 20 seconds. F.A.C.T

Anyway- he was my rebound guy (from previous post- i did it twice in this QOTW) and things were OK bar the lack of performance in bed.

We worked in the same pub, it was his night on, mine off- so I did the dutiful thing and turned up - he paid for all my drinks (I got V drunk), gave me a lift home and I did the whole 'we need to talk'.

Unfortunately I was V drunk - don't remember if I told him nicely 'I don't want to see you any more' - or went into all the reasons WHY i wanted to break up (among the crapness in bed- bad snog, bad first date, lived too far away...)

So next day in work, we have a shift together, so I asked the chef to ask him if we had actually broken up.

Length... the worst part is it was what a girl might call a 'Big One'
(audreyforbes audreyforbes, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 13:12, Reply)

reverse firewall
does he mean this?

"Conventional thinking supposes firewalls are meant to protect an enterprise from the outside world. But can that firewall protect your company from being used in a distributed denial-of-service attack?

Los Angeles-based Cs3 is offering a Reverse Firewall, which monitors outgoing data so a company's systems cannot be used in a DDoS attack. Cs3 is offering their software pre-loaded and pre-configured on a Linux server for $3,995.

Cs3's reverse firewall monitors the packages of data leaving the system, said Cs3's co-founder and CTO K. Narayanaswamy. The product uses a patent-pending technique of "fair service scheduling" that monitors outgoing packets based on where they come from inside the network. If a high number of "unexpected" packages come from within the network, a potential signal of an attack, then the firewall can notify the network administrator of it.

The Reverse Firewall also makes sure a user's network isn't buggered up during a DDoS attack."

this article was dated 2002. so hardly cutting edge! me, i hate the:

ASSUMPTIONS MAKE AN ASS OUT OF U AND ME.

no. this quote makes a total twat out of YOU. jesus.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 12:56, Reply)

Re Backwards Firewall
Legless, I just about pissed myself laughing at that. Maybe you should take your boss literally and set up a firewall which would block internet access for everyone in your business, but leave your network open to all and sundry on the outside world. That would show him, eh?

(I accept no responsibility for any dismissal or disciplinary proceedings that may occur by following this advice)
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 12:30, Reply)

My sister
applied recently for a new job and she was telling me about the crap she had to fill in on the application form. I can't remember the wording but it was the usual management-bollocks about "education solutions" (she's a teacher) and so on. So she spent 5 days filling in the form and, on being granted an interview, had to do a half hour presentation on something equally meaningless.

She got the job. I don't know if that says more about her or the people asking the questions!

Edit: She's now earning considerably more than I am, so I can't slag her too much I suppose.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 12:22, Reply)

shudder
I'm just after a 'quick win' here..
(wrigglesworth, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 12:13, Reply)

Following Legless
In my capacity as a proofreader, I was once asked by a boss to deliberately spell words wrongly because (A) they'd been spelled that way for ages before I'd joined and (B) they 'looked nicer' spelled wrong. In the same job, I was overruled by a sub-literate secretary on a spelling because she'd "always spelled it differently"

As a teacher, I was asked to assign monthly percentages to each student in my care: a number for how much they knew and another for how quickly they were learning. Why? So they could make a graph about it. Since there was no use explaining that this was senseless, I made percentages up at random and had to explain why one student had unlearned everything I taught him in a month.
(frankspencer, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 12:06, Reply)

Boss
.
"Legless? - We need to talk. I want you to build a backward-facing firewall for the new Net connection" says Boss

"A what?"

"A backward facing-firewall"

"There's no such thing. Or, if there is, I've never heard of it"

"Oh - it's the latest thing in security circles. A new paradigm - it's the wave of the future and we've got to catch it." says Boss

"What's it do?"

"It allows our traffic out onto the Internet but doesn't allow the Internet to reach our systems unless we allow them to."

"That’s a firewall. A bog-standard firewall. What makes it backward facing?"

"I don't know! That’s what we pay you for. You're supposed to be the expert" grumbles boss.

"But it's just a normal firewall! There's nothing even remotely "backward-facing" about it" I protested.

"Well I want one! It's part of my vision for this department. We have to be seen to be innovative. To set new standards, to lead the way"

"To boldly go where no man has gone before" I muttered "And you want to be careful who you tell about your visions. My Nan had visions and they locked her up"

"Less of your bloody sarcasm! Now go and read up on backward facing firewalls and build me one!!

"Yes boss"

So I ordered a bog-standard Nokia firewall, configured it, and installed it in a rack. Backwards.

You can't make this shit up......

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 11:45, Reply)

OI!
Instead of deviating from the current question, why not vote for mine here. I think you'll find it highly relevant.

Go on. You know you want to.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 11:14, Reply)

Pity Me..
I have to work with a twat who is now known as "Mr Cliche". He can't open his mouth without yet another fucking cliche spilling out.

Well, when I say "work" I actually mean ignore his calls, delete his e-mails without reading them and avoid all meetings where he might be present.

He really did say "Let's run it up the flagpole and see who salutes". I farted. He looked offended.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 11:07, Reply)

: (
I'm attempting to instigate my own 'We have to talk' right now.
(Medibot, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 10:54, Reply)

Rilux is right
I heartily agree, in this era of readily available spell checking* there's no excuse. People who spell lose as loose are losers.

Another bugbear I have is overuse of "solutions" to present a positive, can-do attitude to the good or service available. Private Eye runs a column dedicated to this tosh. Examples include:

"Lunchtime food solutions" - sandwiches
"Nationwide logistical solutions" - Hauliers

The ultimate has to be "Integrated Fenestration Solutions" for a double glazing firm, what a load of crap!



*Carefully checks this post for spelling errors
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 10:33, Reply)

GAH!
NO BOSS. I WILL NOT 'ADD MY INPUT INTO THE COLLECTIVE MELTING POT' YOU PRICK!
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 10:18, Reply)

Managerspeak
I used to work with a chap who embodied the word "Testiculating" - ie waving ones arms around and shouting utter bollocks.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 25 Apr 2007, 10:00, Reply)

Spulig mistooks
I heartily agree with all the management speak bashing. I myself recently had to berate the girlfriend for using the phrase "end of play".

I'd like to go off-topic even further and suggest that people who spell "lose" with two 'o's be cast out of society like the slimey curs they are.
(Rilux might be pregnant and has bum-aids, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 9:58, Reply)

Fothermucker.....
Whoa there, thats hardly 'swimming in the same direction' as your fellow 'work collective'is it?

It almost seems that your 'comms capability' has been 'lost in the network'.

You need some 'down time' to rediscover the 'bridge building introspective group mentality' that we strive for.

having said that, I am going to print your last post and pin it to the boss' door.

He IS a jargon spouting tosser!!!!!
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 9:32, Reply)

My experience of teamwork
... is that it allows everyone in the team to absolve themselves of individual responsibility and for management to blame a whole group of people when it all goes tits up, thus avoiding accusations of bullying. Within the team, the most intelligent person does all the thinking and the others bicker and bitch by way of contribution, in such a way that the finest ideas are diluted and the most stupid rise to the surface by democratic voice. The result is a longer, more contributory failure which disillusions everyone and allows the managers to look at porn in their office while the company slowly goes to shit.

Proactive enough for you, you jargon-farting tossers?
(Fothermucker, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 9:20, Reply)

BANDWAGON.......MUCH?
There may be no 'i' in team boss,
but there are two in 'GO FUCK YOURSELF'!
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 9:17, Reply)

There may be no 'i' in 'team'...
...but there is a 'me'.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 25 Apr 2007, 9:14, Reply)

Times they are a changing
1980: We need to talk good buddy. Knock it up to channel 21

1990: We....to ta... Fuck it, let me see if I can stand outside and get a better signal

2000: My name is Mukharjee and we are needing to ask you some security questions before we can talk

2007: soz u r dmpd lol
(Mong The Merciless Older not wiser, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 8:47, Reply)

Alexxx
Alexxx! Come up the front and take those pills out of your mouth. Do you have enough for the whole class?!
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 7:32, Reply)

B3TA We Have To Talk
Masturbation is an anagram for Rub It On A Mast, why has this never been spoken of before?
(Alexxx It wasn't me, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 2:51, Reply)

B3TA
We have to talk....
About my lady humps! My humps! My lovely lady humps!

Also, for what it's worth Alanis Morissette murdered that song. I want to smack her in the face. And don't say hitting women is wrong, that's sexist against women, and if you're sexist against women that means you abuse them! This means you also touch children! Go to hell sicko! YES MICHAEL JACKSON I MEAN YOU I KNOW YOU READ MY MESSAGES. YOUR NOSE IS FUNNY! ALSO WHY ARE YOU WHITE? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED THERE?
(Alexxx It wasn't me, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 2:42, Reply)