Crazy psycho ex
I think most of the posts here deal with ex's, so I really don't want to bugger things up. I live in Ames, IA in the states and attend Iowa State Uni. Most of the women here are complete cunts. I happened to meet one that I figured was fairly sane, so we dated and eventually started a "steady" relationship. Early on in the relationship we established that she wanted to remain a virgin. Alright, no biggie. I wasn't a virgin, and I knew it would be hard to abstain in this relationship, but whatever, love's love, right?

She was very wonderful, very loving, liked spontaneous making out etc. It seemed to make up for the lack of hardcore sex. About a year into the relationship, she stopped kissing me, cold turkey... Nothing else had changed, she just stopped kissing me. When I asked her about it, she avoided the topic. I started questioning whether I had picked up an awful horse-mouth smell or not. Whatever, we're still in love, right?!

6 MONTHS after this starts was her 21st Birthday. Since I was roughly two months younger than her, I couldn't join her at the bars. I was rather upset at this fact and asked that she come back and see me after she was down partying with her friends (damn American drinking laws). She agreed, went and got trashed, came back, acted cold, said goodnight, and went to bed. I waited up until 2 AM, I at least halfway expected better treatment.

The next day, she sits me down and says the dreaded words, "We need to talk...". She essentially blames me for the lack of sexual connection in our relationship, says she never loved me, was never looking for a long-term relationship, and dumps me.

Couldn't she have done that say, 18 months before? Stupid cunt...
(Ikarimaru, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 21:32, Reply)

Why should I talk to you?
My ex wasn't good for me. She took 3 loans out in my name, gave up work for 8 months because she wanted to concentrate on her "Art"; I once got up the nerve to leave her but she feigned a pregnancy scare.

I eventually met someone else through my job, and to be honest I was going to leave her then anyway as I'd got a new job miles away from her. I get home one Tuesday, and the phrase "we need to talk" is uttered by her.

Turns out, standing in the kitchen is her entire family, carrying all her stuff out of the house into a Transit in the drive. She asks me to go for a walk, i say "bollocks, tell me now". She says she leaving, to go home to be with her Ex as he wants a family with her as soon as possible. (They'd been MSN'ing each other while I was at work. I found very interesting pictures on my PC when I looked later that night.) She loves me but "it's her". I say ok, go to the fridge, get a beer and turn on the TV. They carry on moving stuff out.

As her Ma & Pa are leaving, I give them a copy of her bank statement (£1500 overdrawn), the 3 loans totalling £7k taken in my name, her £4500 credit card statement - all which I'd been paying. "Call it £12k what shes me owes. You pay me £10k, I accept cash." Turns out she told her parents she was still working and her debts were £750.

In the end, they paid me off. £11k 6 weeks later. Even better, she got pregnant, married and seperated in under 15 months.

Result.
(gjb006, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 21:15, Reply)

Every three months
for four years, I'd hear the phrase "We need to talk".
It took me two years to work it out - she was crazy.
I should have guessed the first time when she insisted on meeting me at liverpool st station. When I arrived she said those immortal words, then handed me a letter to read. Thinking this was a bit weird (why not say, you need to read?) I did my best to read it, hampered slightly by her tiny, childish writing. It didn't help that it was rush hour and I was being jostled by commuters, or the fact that she rambled on for four pages (both sides).
we settled in to a nice pattern where every now and then we needed to have a massive row and hysterical crying. This was usually followed by a week of frantic makeup sex, which seem to make it all worth it (for a bit).
It soon became apparent to me that this was not normal behaviour and after a couple of more 'talk' sessions, I persuaded her to go to the doctor. This action resulted in her being 'accepted' into a local institution.
I should have cut and run as soon as they closed the door on her, however I'm a nice guy and thought I should stay by her.
Six months into this and it's my birthday, she's being let out for the day (and night). I had to work, but that morning I made sure the house was nice and tidy for her, spruced up the bathroom and flowers in the bedroom etc.
She called me when she got there and was suprisingly cold to me, not sure what was up I asked her and got the phrase "We need to talk". Great. It's my birthday and I'm going home to a blazing row.
Turns out I hadn't washed up enough (silly me for forgetting to clean my breakfast things). When I got home she flipped out at me for nearly two hours.
By this point I'd been the sole earner for most of our relationship, coped with all her nerousis and spent half the year supporting her in hospital, whilst she painted watercolours and had group therapy.
I had some other heavy shit going on in my own life then and couldn't take it anymore. I broke down and cried hysterically for nearly an hour (not a pretty sight really).
She didn't seem to think this a problem to a) do this at all or b) to do it on my birthday.

Anyway, she went back to hospital and we stayed together for another two years. With a tedious predictability we carried on our 3 monthly breakdown until the final time when she told me she'd had an affair (screwed some guy 20 years older than her once - I've had longer shits than that affair).
It was all because I wasn't paying her enough attention (probably because the lazy bitch hadn't worked in years and I was out all the time trying to earn money).
That was the final straw and I was able to get her out of my life completly and start dating the cute 'lovely girl' at work (it's now been 12 years and we still haven't had a significant row).

One of these days I'm gonna write one of these and it won't be so fecking long!
(EvilMeister, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 20:18, Reply)

we have to talk
Got this from my girlfriends dad after me and her left her house without covering the big patch of pre marital fluids on her bed sheets.

As you can imagine it was fun.

Making the mess that is not the talk.
(fwack bang on it, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 19:34, Reply)

Colleagues
In response to Fothermucker, ASDA workers were called colleagues way before Wal-Mart. I used to work in one of their distribution warehouses when a dirty student. Blokes there subverted it by caling each other 'brother' in a monastery-stylee.

As for Wal-Mart - when they took them over a friend of a friend was an accountant at their head ofice. The staff had to go out into the car park and chant 'Give me a W...' etc one day.
(adamb, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 19:11, Reply)

There's no i in team!
No, but there is a u in cunt...
( dan j the filthy bastard, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 19:03, Reply)

Management bullshit huh?
I once had an argument with a random boss which was ended by him telling me we "had to think outside the box to allow us to (finger quotes) synergise!".

I told him to bluesky his anus.

I managed to storm out of the room and slam the door before collapsing in giggles in the corridor at my witless comeback.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Wed 25 Apr 2007, 18:36, Reply)

Psycho ex's
My psycho ex-gf did the opposite to Dobby's - when I told her that we needed to talk (about the guy who I found out that she'd met on MSN and shagged in my flat at Christmas while I was away visiting my family), she grabbed a glass and smashed it in my face! Still got the scars to prove it.

Smashed most of my flat up too before she left, including the sitar that I brought back from India :-( Never go out with a Dutch girl.
(trashbat, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 18:27, Reply)

Attitude
This is totally on topic - A few months back I had a number of anger issues (I know, I'm as shocked as you!)

I hated my project/project manager, etc... In essence I spent a few weeks with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

The "final" straw was me turning up to a meeting and sitting there for an hour glowering at anyone that dared to look at me - after the meeting, the Project Manager* said that "We had to talk" (See - on topic!!)

Anyway, he started off by saying that I had an attitude problem - My counter was almost "No I f***ing don't" - but I let that one slide. Then he went on about "letting the team down", "not pulling for the team", etc, etc. Then he threatened to have me removed from the project (I knew that was an empty threat anyway)...

In essence the conversation started with me wanting to punch his lights out and ended up with me wanting to hang him by his nostril hairs out of the window.

On the plus side, I was vindicated as he quit about a month later. He is, was and always will be an arse.

Attitude problem? I've no idea what you mean :o)

* He actually was king of the arsehole people
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 17:48, Reply)

Hmm...
I've only ever heard 'we have to talk' a couple of times--most of the angry accusations/tirades are prefaced by nothing whatsoever, giving me no time to make excuses and flee. It's even more deadly, I think.

Worst was when my boss sat me down: It was only a part-time job at my uni, but still, it nearly gave me a heart attack as I thought I was going to be out of it right then and there. (For the curious, I wasn't being very, erm, productive. I partly blame all of you.)

First post, apologies for lack of substance/humor.
(Rem Sir, why are you thrashing about on the floor?, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 17:40, Reply)

I'm not sure this is 100% within the guidelines here
but a mate of mine used to have the job title "Back Door Receiver".
( SugarSpunSister Yeah, whatever, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 17:36, Reply)

Gibberish!
But... unstabledan,

How will you ever hit the duck if you don't shoot ahead of it?


I keep hearing management speak. Mainly along the lines of "Get on with some work and stop posting on b3ta you workshy tosspot!"

Honestly, I can't understand a word of this newfangled jargon.
(flimflam_machine, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 17:15, Reply)

Back in the days of badge jobs
Even as Manager I had to wear a badge at Virgin. On the plus side we got to print our own and the staff were allowed not to have their real names on their badges. (The girls were always getting stalked by prevs.)

My Badge said 'Bad Motherhubbard', think I've still got it somewhere.

So off topic it's not true, but what the heck, I had my rant yesterday.
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 16:23, Reply)

I trapped the Boss
I used to work for a company that sold super duper photocopiers and software to fill in forms. I was hired (head hunted actually) as a "Marketing Analyst" which basically had to study potential punter companies and come up with ideas of how to sell said photocopiers and software. I was ensured they needed every single added value product. It was a time when marketing "games" were in - so I devised this snakes and ladders type game where no matter how you played it you always ended up wanting a photocopier and/or software. My immediate boss, a hyped up woman who drove a Merc who was having an affair with someone in the Technical Dept cos her husband couldn't get it up apparently, and a ruthless yes woman, actually liked the idea but the MD didn't. Instead, 2 weeks later, the MD came up with exactly the same idea I had devised but called it something else. I was not a happy person and told hyped-up woman I wasn't having any of it but she insisted the MD was right and his idea was better.

So not giving a shit about the job anyway I went straight to the MD. I said : "We need to talk". He said " no we don't. you need to get out there and burn the midnight oil to come up with some good ideas" at which point I told him to fuck his photocopiers where the moon didn't shine or something similar and walked out.

The company went bust 6 months later and I saw hyped up woman at computer consulting company in a Ford Ka. Cathy, if you are out there, you are a horrible, unattracitve sad bastard who will never get a decent shag in your life.

What goes around comes around :-)
( Tiggy the diver, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 16:19, Reply)

Just an honest question
Father : "Son, we need to talk . . . you do know what homosexuality is-"

Son : "I'm not gay dad"

Father : "Um, okay, never mind then . . ."

That made the rest of the 2 hour car ride awkward.
(Luweeg64, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 15:45, Reply)

Management Bullsh*t
Seeing as everyone is talking about management rubbish... I received this from our company head office a while ago:

"The reported results reflect, on the one hand, our restructuring costs of 228 million euros, as well as an extraordinary burden of 262 million euros due to the amortization of goodwill resulting from the prescribed reviews for the recoverability of capitalized intangible assets."

I mean, what the f*ck? Sorry to be so off-topic
(deaglun, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 15:20, Reply)

Yesterday's History, Tomorrow's a Mystery, What Are You Going To Do Today?
Fuck me. Did it at least have a jaunty show tune?
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 15:20, Reply)

hahahahahaha
someone just suggested we 'shoot ahead of the duck'.

he is a prick
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 14:59, Reply)

my boss the nob jockey!
I may kill him......

At the end of the day we need to redeploy people on the runway, its a win win situ(sic)and will allow us all to allign onto the same page.


If I had a gun,
Id shoot him in the morning,
I'd shoot him in the evening,
All over this land..........
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 14:54, Reply)

My Family and Other Animals
So, I was working at a soul destroying call centre in Exeter, circa Christmas 2003, working the terrible 1600 - 0000 shift. No buses home at this time, so my bro was picking me up.
I finish for the day, down the stairs, out the door to be confronted by not only my brother, but my wife aswell....at midnight. Something's up, thinks I.
The first words from my sweet wife's mouth was 'we need to talk.'
Now, she can't stand my brother, so I knew they weren't running off together. What it was, was my father. Less than a week after New Year, while I was at work and my wife, mother and brother were on a day trip (keep in mind that my wife had just arrived from NY and had just met my parents for the first time) had systematically emptied the house of all valuables and many non-valuables, left a note declaring his 30 year marriage to my mother to be over and blamed the ENTIRE thing on me.
A week later he's on the phone, begging to come home, he's made a terrible mistake and didn't mean what he said. My mother took him back (I should've had a talk with her!) and he agrees to go to a therapist. Three months later, as I believe I've mentioned before, I caught him up to exactly the same scheme, then we 'had to talk' and he was ejected.
Last time I saw him he was sitting in his car, refusing to get out for fear I meant to do him harm (I did). Last time we spoke I told him I wished he was dead.
Parents eh?
(The Cosmic Fool Became aware that the bird is indeed the word on, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 14:49, Reply)

Awful management phrases?
Following a fantastic lead from Rachelswipe, try this for size: Yesterday's History, Tomorrow's a Mystery, What Are You Going To Do Today?

I love sales!
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 25 Apr 2007, 14:45, Reply)

\o/
I used to work for Morrisons, where we were surrounded by motivational management bollocks behind the scenes, so I changed my badges to suit the atmosphere, you know, just to show the bosses I was listening, at various times I was
Purchased Goods Transportation Vehicle Operative (trolley boy)
Marine Life Preparation and Dispensation Expert
(Fish Monger)
and Selected Goods Payment Processor (tills)


Oh, and my badge name was always Otis.
For laffs like.
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 14:41, Reply)

Never mind the poor buggers who work at ASDA...
I'm looking for work and know full well that there's work going at Subway. The main reason I'm not going to give them a call?
You're job title there is "Sandwich Artist"

Oh, look. My first ever post :)
(UltimateMonkey Ban this sick filth!, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 14:39, Reply)

Rabbit stew for lunch, rabbit stew for tea...
A psycho ex-gf's response to 'We have to talk' was to grab a glass off the sideboard, smash it and threaten to cut her wrists with it.

In hindsight I should have just told her to go ahead.
(><(((">, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 14:14, Reply)

WTF are these people on about?
I had a client once... one of those people who don't seem to have a real job title like "head of non-specific expertise" or "management solutions facilitator".

We were going to be in his area and asked whether he wanted to meet for lunch. Instead of "yes please" or "no thanks" we got...

"Not sure, I will see if I have a window in my career trajectory"!!!!!!!!!!!

To this day I do not know whether he was joking or not. But yes... he was a twat.
(Jymbul's Academy of Twang Alan Hansen probably drinks a bit.se!, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 14:07, Reply)

ASDA
Has anyone noticed that the wage slaves at ADSA are not called 'employees' but 'colleagues'. There's a sign outside my local ASDA which proclaims that "ASDA is part of the Wal-Mart family". And I'm sure I once saw a badge on a McDonald's worker which said something like "Food Executive".

What kind of retard dreams up this shit? Does Brad in the American office of Wal-Mart think that 17 year-old Kevin in Solihull is going to believe that he's a 'colleague' in a 'family' for even one second? Or that a badge makes for job satisfaction.

Some advice, fuckwads: pay people more money and show them some respect. Then you can keep your multi-million pound campaigns for pretending you care.
(Fothermucker, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 14:07, Reply)

the fuzzy end of the lollipop in this ballpark
as in you've got....(= i'm giving you fuck all help on this one)
or
y'cant win a prize if y'haven't got a ticket (= dance to my tune byatch)
or
lets run that one by X and see if he salutes it (= i'm so fucking stupid I can't recognise a great idea even if its wearing kicking shoes and my ass has a fat fucken target on it)
or
I'm not saying its a bad idea or a good idea, just lets put it to the people and see if they recognise it...(= no personal responsibility)
or
lets get our ducks in a row (= i'm going to delegate all the shit I don't want to do and take all the good stuff you've got)
or
this was a team effort (= i'm taking the glory on this one (also = you be my bitch))
or
genius isn't specific, hard work is... = all of this builds into a CAUC.

I don't work there now = nobodys byatch
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 13:59, Reply)

BTW
.
Can I just tell everyone that I'm working from the Web Bar? Right next door to the Customer Experience Room?

And, as I'm in a massive data center, and it's Geek Central so it's guaranteed that there'll be at least one B3tan, any minute now I'm expecting someone to turn up and say:

"Can I have a quick word? You're not Legless from B3ta are you?"

Did you see what I did there? The way I managed to stay *just* on topic
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 13:59, Reply)

Motivational posters
Do you have these things in your office?

You can get something similar from

www.despair.com

My favourite is the Teamwork one. It features a snowball rolling downhill, getting larger and larger. The caption is "Teamwork : A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction."
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 25 Apr 2007, 13:58, Reply)