May I present ...
Paul Mundy - A shambling pikey with torn clothes and a permanent mask of dirt, finished off with a handful of mossy teeth. He claimed rather improbably that his dad was a millionaire. We challenged him to prove this by bringing a million pounds to school. He didn't and was judged a liar. I became his friend for two days when I found out he was the ony kid in the school who had Number Two in the Buck Rogers sticker book: Wilma Deering. The friendship faltered when he invited me to visit his house. I was too afraid.

Richard Baldrick - possessor of the world's hugest zit, a Vesuvius of malignant pus that swirled in its own weather system on the very tip of his nose. On discovering that he was adopted, he set up a crossbow booby trap in his bedroom with which to slaughter his 'parents'. He was last seen lying on a busy road "waiting for a juggernaut to kill me."

Jamie "Donger" Donston - a troglodyte from the council estate whose academic abilities extended to punching people until they passed out or died. He sat next to me in the remedial maths group and gave me dead legs until I became permanently lame. When he copied my answers in the end-of-year test, he was disappointed to discover that I had got the worst result in the school's history: 3%. I almost paid for that with my life.

'JJ" - the only black kid in the school, he had the curious habit of masturbating happily to himself in the PE changing room. Fortunately for him, every girl in the school wanted him just so they could piss off their middle-class parents by bringing home a black boy. He reputedly had sex with a tree (inserting his wang in a knot hole).

"Frog" - real name unknown. He was so ugly that it looked like he'd been put together with a geneticist's Mr Potato head kit. He claimed to masturbate by rubbing his tool between two hands as if lighting a fire with a piece of wood, Ray Mears style, and brought his jizz to school in a glass jar. When asked if he was a virgin, he replied that he was a Sagittarius.

Kevin Hutchinson - had to be taken to hospital after he pushed a pen lid up his nose and, later, a tiddlywink up his arse. During a biology lesson on teeth, he self-diagnosed himself as having gum disease and burst into uncontrolable sobs until slapped into sapience by the teacher. Had sex with his brother.

There's more ...
(frankspencer, Fri 19 Jan 2007, 15:17, Reply)