It (Probably) Should have been me......
Oh so many years ago when Mrs Matter and I were just staring orf on the courting thing I'd had her around at my place for the first time ever to have my wicked way with her.

At the time I lived in a big detached place with big shared gardens and a cellar. Whilst we were building up for round two my dog at the time decides to come a wandering into the bedroom and starts growing like fcuk as she did when strangers were about. I advised the future Mrs Matter that all would be fine as the dog was doing what it was paid to do and that it had probably just been a neighbour walking by.

However after 5 mins of this even I'm getting distracted from the task in hand. Then suddenly there is a large crashing sound from the cellars down below. So being really pissed off from having to get off mid shag I duly pull on some trackies, trainers and a top and head for the door. Now being a chap on modest build I thinks to myself "stuff being a hero and promptly grab a 1/2 inch cold chisel and a torch from my tool box on the way out of the door and off down the stairs I shoot chisel and torch in hand.

At the stairs leading into the cellars the torch goes on and I can see a pair of feet at the back of the cellars trying to pretend they are part of the rear wall, "right cnut, get your arse out here now" cries I, and shit that's what the feet start to do. So as the "clumsy one" walks towards me I start doing a hands face hands face thing with the torch. Check hands for weapons, blind the fu*ker with the torch....... Straight away I twig he has nowt in his hands so being a good sort I look at the chisel and think "if I hit him with this "I'll" get nicked" and promptly shove said chisel into my back pocket.

When the "Clumsy One" was fully out in the open I tell him to stop, but "oh no" he keeps on walking towards me, no mad rush or last minute charge, just the slow inevitable walk that brings him into arms reach.

"If I can reach him, he can reach me", thinks I, so at this point I launch what I can only describe as first assault and promptly proceed to rattle him repeatedly in the face with my torch.

Whilst all this had been going on the future Mrs M had had the presence of mind to call the local plods explaining that I was in the process of detaining a burglar, (good girl). So after doing this she comes to the window and looks out only to see the beam from the torch darting about like a mad light sabre as I promptly beat my potential assailant into an early submission. At this point off she runs and now informs the local plods that things have turned fugly and that a dual is taking place outside and that she is alone and afraid..........

Outside I had gained the upper hand and our "burglar" was sitting on the ground in a contrite manner, bleeding amongst other things, when suddenly a blue light came burling into my drive and two of the locals plods finest came running up the garden (it was I believe a quiet night in the old home town).

As they approached the quickly twigged that I was the householder i.e. I didn't try and run off.

So as the grabbed chummy I stepped back onto my chisel which had fallen out during our scuffle, "shit" thinks if they find that I'm stuffed so for the next two or three minutes I describe who had done what and who had been where whilst pivoting around doing my best not to take my foot of the chisel.

After this rather mad dance of mine the local plods fortunately decided to get "chummy" (yes they did call him that) up onto my drive.

Much questioning ensued where it was clear that my bleeding friend was much pissed at what I had done to him but rather than lie down and play injured (and he wouldn't have to have done much considering the black eye and the blood on his face) he took it out on the plods calling them many nasty names and questioning their parentage etc etc.

You can see that this worked to my advantage.

Well eventually we managed to get him to tell us who he was and where he lived which was 25 XXX st. "Stop", says I "that's the garden flats under the front of my house. A young lad had moved in approx 4 months previously and nobody had either met or seen the gent involved," says I. "If your who you say you are, who's your neighbour," thinking it may have been a drunk friend pushing his luck.

His reply was along the lines of "fcuk off cnut".....

Well at this point the local bobbies try to get some id and chummy starts to struggle. So I can only imagine that rather than twat about the plods though "get him down on the deck it will be easier"....

This was not a pretty action however as his hands were safely fastened behind his back by this time, however as I had a gravel drive it did take care of the problem of me having to explain about cuts etc for which I would have struggled to justify, (I was unmarked).

Out comes a wallet and then a bus pass. "Lets see your torch" says one of the plods. He takes the torch and duly examines chummy and the bus pass.

"Can I have a word sir" he says to me, so I step aside to talk. "Just to let you know that you have just kicked fcuk out of your next door neighbour. What do you want us to do now"?

After the OOK moment I thought to myself, well fcuk it he shouldn't have been there so plods were instructed to cart him orf and charge him, which they did allowing me to get back to the hot new gf.

When we later met and I asked what the hell he had been doing etc rather than just saying at the time he just shrugged and wanderd off.

I still dont know what he was up to till this day.

Length 240hrs Community Service for Breach, Breaking and Entering and Placing a Person in a State Of Fear For Their Safety (that one is down to the Mrs).
(Dark Matter All The Wonders In The World & We Invent Boredom, Thu 14 Feb 2008, 13:44, 3 replies)

Hahaha, fucking hell!
I almost choked on my chips reading that, highly amusing!

But what *was* he doing there, and why did he never admit it? The plot thickens

A+ qotw replier, would read again
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Thu 14 Feb 2008, 13:54, closed)

Pfft. If I was going to burgle someone, it wouldn't be my next door neighbour! That's just daft!

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Fri 15 Feb 2008, 1:49, closed)

Excellent
"click"
(kitescreech still here, Mon 18 Feb 2008, 12:51, closed)