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This is a question Failed Projects

You start off with the best of intentions, but through raging incompetence, ineptitude or the plain fact that you're working in IT, things go terribly wrong and there's hell to pay. Tell us about the epic failures that have brought big ideas to their knees. Or just blame someone else.

(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:19)
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Time to stop failing
Probably not that funny so skip it if you can't face the self confession that follows of how starting tomorrow I hope to turn my life around.

Quick background. 18 months ago after 9 years with the ex, 1 year of marriage and 2 years of parenthood she decided the day after her graduation and would potentially have a decent income of her own would be the best time to split us up. After the shock of it all the realisation came I'd put all my free time & effort into supporting her and effectively had no friends, no hobbies and no money.

So since then I've been living in my parents spare room. Spending as much time with my daughter as possible. This was clearly a massively important thing to my daughter who found her mum fancied a 6 week holiday to Australia last Christmas without her, several other holidays along the way, numerous nights out living the single life.

Like a thorn in my side I've watched the ex live like this while I paid solicitors bills to divorce her, with the routine threats from her to make my life hell anytime a decision wasn't in her favour. For 18 months I've plodded along in a daze, not really having much fun, had a battle with depression that I concealed from all but my Doctor. My work life went to crap and I know I've let my boss down by not getting anywhere with my work for too long. All the time gradually getting myself straight.

The son of a bank manager I should have been in a better place financially, apparantly my being too tight with money was another reason we split up, yet I came away in debt from supporting a lifestyle we couldn't afford as I was the only one of us with a salary.

Essentially I failed at life for too many years.

Over a year of scrimping and saving I paid off the debts I was left with. Beyond that I managed to save up a modest lump sum and told my parents I wanted to move on and move out to my own place. I cannot put into words the gratitude I have for my parents helping me make this happen with a generous loan.

Tomorrow I move into a home of my own for the first time in 10 years. I've worked hard to get this far. All my furniture is second hand but it's chosen by me because I like it, and best of all there is a bedroom for my daughter (in trying to agree over money I had trapped in the marital home she said I only needed a 1 bed flat at most).

My daughter and I have become so close and even though she's only 3 she's quite insightful. I don't know what to say when she tells me "she knows Mummy loves her but she doesn't love mummy and wants to live with me". I know nothing will happen for a while but I suspect the day will come when she's old enough she will decide to live with me instead. Until then I'm there whenever she needs me and the times she doesn't.

Starting tomorrow I'm going to try to put it all right.
Work hard. Look after MY home. Be the best Dad I can. Never live beyond my own means.

For the first time in a very long time I'm full of hope and every day I look forward to tomorrow. This time I will not fail.

Sorry for the lack of anecdote etc, just needed to put it into words really to see how far I've come.
(, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 17:26, 13 replies)
Good luck, mate
Though sounds like you've got it all sorted. All the best for the future anyway and if its any consolation sounds like this ex of yours will crash and burn anytime soon. Cheers & click!
(, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 17:30, closed)
Cheers Spanky
btw, always love reading your posts. Good luck with the man batter injection project!

Yep the ex is bad news, just hoping she doesn't go bankrupt or run off to somewhere else before the divorce is finalised!
(, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 17:33, closed)
It doesn't sound like you were the one failing.
But good luck with re-building your life the way it should be.

Have a click for honesty
(, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 17:46, closed)
she made you support her all through college, then fucked you off as soon as she was going to start earning herself? sounds like a grade-A bitch to me. fortunately for you, you didn't fail to get shut of her and get your own life back on track. good luck for the future!
(, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 17:57, closed)
Essentially, yes.
Thanks for the support.

I do feel I'm better off in the long run. Just feels stressful living under the threat of making is hard to see my daughter. Still where there's a will there's a way. Speaking of which, just signed my first ever Will.... guess who isn't in it? ;-)
(, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 18:01, closed)
Did you do this through a lawyer?
IANAL and I'm assuming that you want to leave much of what you have to your daughter. Has this been defined in such a way to ensure that it is kept in trust so that your ex doesn't get it if you die before your daughter can inherit it?

Sorry to be morbid, and I'm sure you have thought of this but it was the first thing that sprang to mind after your description of your cow of an ex.

EDIT: OH, and congratulations and best of luck!
(, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 18:33, closed)
Good luck
to you, by the sounds of it you deserve some luck. Thank you for being so honest and all the best.
(, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 18:18, closed)
The very best of luck to you tomorrow, the first day of the best of your life.
(, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 18:33, closed)
You haven't failed
at all.
(, Sat 5 Dec 2009, 13:22, closed)

You sound like a success to me, just think about how much more of a success your daughter thinks you are. As she gets older she'll understand even more.
(, Sun 6 Dec 2009, 0:31, closed)
That's the spirit! Keep the chin up old bean, I think you very much deserve a break.
(, Sun 6 Dec 2009, 23:16, closed)
^What they all said.
You didn't fail, you trusted someone and got fucked over.

With a daughter saying things like that it looks like you came out on top with regards to the things that really matter, and rightly so.

Best of luck.
(, Mon 7 Dec 2009, 10:15, closed)
Dude, I feel you!
Been through a lot of the same things. Also got treated like shit and then dumped, also came away with all the debts, but having to give away half shares of any assetts, and what have you. Also continue to be threatened with losing touch with my son if I don't toe the line. It sucks the big one, but keep a close focus on who you are, and what is important to you, and go forward instead of looking backward. The hardest part is when your kid tells you what they don't like about your ex, and you just want to say "you're right kid, she's a bitch", but you know that's not the best thing for the kid.
(, Mon 7 Dec 2009, 17:29, closed)

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