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This is a question Failed Projects

You start off with the best of intentions, but through raging incompetence, ineptitude or the plain fact that you're working in IT, things go terribly wrong and there's hell to pay. Tell us about the epic failures that have brought big ideas to their knees. Or just blame someone else.

(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:19)
Pages: Popular, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

This question is now closed.

I said "till death do us part"
I sure as hell haven't died, but we did part.

Length: less than 2 years
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 16:30, Reply)
There was a time... long ago...
The first project me and a few mates decided to embark on, actually turned out to be a success. We managed to build a massive fuck-off big vehicle, bigger than monster trucks, once jokingly referred to as the size of a small moon, and it actually worked really well. Granted, due to its size, it didn't move very fast, and wasn't that great for picking up chicks on account of the one time we accidentally destroyed her house with it, but that was cool. Me and my mates loved it so much, we were gutted when some kids trashed it. So we cursed a bit, and my mates decided "Fuck it, lets build another one, an even bigger one." a few months later.

So we did. We took the original blueprints, scaled them up a bit to make this monster even bigger and better, and got to work.

Of course, this is where the project started to fail. I had brought my son along as he showed some interest in mechanical stuff, and he and my eldest mate had a massive falling out when we were all working on the vehicle. They start verbally fighting, and I step in to calm things down, and my son, being a stroppy teenager, starts fighting with me. The little bugger slices my hand off, and then immediately begins to apologize, and my mate goes apeshit on him and begins to kill my son. So I throw my mate to his death, and then, whaddya know, five minutes later, the bloody vandals who destroyed my first project turned up again and destroyed my second project before it even got finished.

And there is the story of my failed projects.


D. Vader

I regret nothing!
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 16:20, 10 replies)
I started writing a concept album based on a video game.
A few weeks ago, the game celebrated the 10th anniversary of its release. The album is going well, I started writing it a couple of weeks after the game was released and I've got one verse written.
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 15:50, 8 replies)
Like a young Alan Sugar...
A friend of mine who was especially entrepreneurial at school (he sold knock off CDs he burned at home and charged people for lifts after he'd learned to drive) decided to take a year out before Uni to get rich. His plan was to start an Internet business selling custom-printed mousemats (hardly original, but this was pre-2001 when everyone thought you could basically start a website on Monday and you'd be Bill Gates by next weekend.

Off I went to Uni, then came back after my first term for Christmas, and met up with him and some old friends (most of whom had just returned from Uni too) for a few drinks.

'How's the business going.'
'Ah, y'know, it's not, really...'
'Oh. Why not?'
'Well, I needed printers to print the mats, and the printers were a bit expensive.'
'So I've taken a rain-check...'
'Might do something later in the year.'
'What are you up to at the moment then?'
'Erm... playing Championship Manager and learning to play guitar.'
'And wanking. Lots.'
'Yeah. This week's been rubbish, though.'
'Why's that'
'Callous on my cock. I think I've over-done it.'
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 15:46, Reply)
Internet Guru...
I work in advertising. We have quite a lot of failed projects. One of my favourite was our old Chairman's "Digital Future" programme.

He'd decided (belatedly, this was about 2006), that that there t'Interweb thingie was the future, and that as our glorious leader, he should take a lead on the issues that might face us as an agency. Thus was born the 'Digital Future' scheme. It initially took the form of him going out on long lunches with people from Yahoo!, Google, etc., and learning about Digital. He also spent a lot of time in his office, 'surfing the net'.

After a couple of weeks, it was time for the big unveil; we humble foot-soldiers of the marketing industry would be giving up our lunchtimes and early evenings over a couple of weeks to be treated to his insights on various topics.

First session: Social Networks. A couple of introductory slides, then he told us about his time 'Undercover' on Myspace. He'd used his 16 year old son's photo and name, and signed up. There were a few gasps and giggles at this point....

We were treated to a couple of squirmy platitudes about 'cool bands he'd been following', and the like, and then he revealed the coup de grace. 'And here's a transcript of a chat I was having with a young girl from Wimbledon'.

And there, on the screen, is a prime example of grooming, albeit accidental, as a fifty-something ad exec chats online to a teenage girl whilst himself impersonating a minor.

By this stage, the giggles were guffaws, and even the senior managers, who'd been sitting at the front and being very attentive and polite, couldn't wipe the smiles from their faces. As the room gradually broke down with laughter, the Chairman cottoned onto the joke, and took on a demeanour of mixed embarrassment and anger.

That presentation was cut short, and the remaining sessions cancelled. And the Chairman doesn't get involved with Digital anymore. Gave us all a good laugh though, so not a complete failure...
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 15:23, Reply)
Peas roasting on an open fire....
I'll keep this as short and sweet as I can, was only the other week (Pea update: January I think) or so when the country went barmy over the snow. I don't know whether it was the snow or the copious amounts of red stripe that had been consumed that made us do these things.

So I'll set the scene, just around the corner from my (Pea update: EX) girlfriends house is quite a large reservoir, Edgbaston reservoir for those who live in Birmingham. Its got quite a large hill, ideal for sledging. No sledge? but you've a pair of the pallets that your mattress lies on? - You can see where this is going.

On the way back to the reservoir with many a can of red stripe in hand and enough masking tape to seal the San Andreas fault we pass a toilet. Some people steal traffic signs, some people steal cones. This night, we stole a second hand toilet off some-ones doorstep. See figure a:

I say again, I don't know whether it was the snow or the red stripe that made us do these things.

This is where the danger begins (Pea update: Where the failed project began), illustrated better by this picture:

I could end this story here and say that having your feet heavily strapped to two, 3ft non-ski fit planks on a snowy hill is how I met the grim reaper (Pea update: Where the project failed). But i'll carry on.

After much more farting about in the snow and failing to ski, we made our way to the bottom of the hill. Toilet in hand.
We discovered a football in a nearby tree and as you may or may not do when drunk, (I'm thinking about that advert where the lass loses her balloon...) my friend decides to climb such tree. Can you guess what happens next?

We pass the toilet to him in hope of placing it within the tree and for it to forever be one of those wierd, urban things what no-one can explain. Seemed logical at the time, in hindsight no-one would have been impressed. Another picture to show such friend in tree:

Standing under a tree while drunk, when slippery and snowy, of which a toilet is being balanced is where my story of my brush with the Grim Reaper nears an end. I just don't understand how in a split second of seeing the toilet hurtle towards my face, being able to gain cat like features and flinch out the way.

To conclude, me and my 3 mates that night did indeed have a couple of encounters with death (Pea update: with many failed mini projects along the way) but we all survived. For the toilet that was destined for a meeting with death himself at the local tip, we gave him his last hurrah, having fun with a bunch of arses and a second life :

All in all, not such a failed project afterall.
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 15:17, 2 replies)
I was going to get the first post
but then I gave up watching for the question to change and got a coffee instead, stopping for a chat in the kitchen.

When I came back there were already 22 replies. Failed.
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:52, Reply)
Has anyone heard of a BAE Systems project called HERO?
Basically, HERO was a a remote control car with a wheel at each corner that could run either way up. It had a camera mounted on it for survailence of the under side of vehicles at borders and ports. I was involved with that project just before it got scraped for being utterly shit! I did mention when I saw it that they sell things similar in Toys 'R' Us for about £30, not £30,000 like they wanted for this!
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:51, 3 replies)
New Labour

That is all.
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:49, Reply)
Burnt Duck Face
We once had one of those waterless hot water bottles stuffed with grain that can be microwaved. This, like most things in our flat was duck shaped due to a penchant for the animals that neither myself or my lady friend can fully understand; fuck it though, everyone should have a hobby.

Obviously due to the need for such an item I hardly need mention that it was cold at the time, nowhere more so than the kitchen so one night I simply threw Duck Face into the microwave and retreated to the bedroom where there was, if not any more carpet, at least a girly creature with body warmth. After three minutes my return was heralded with first a smell very unlike toasted grain and then a sight that would make a certain late Mr Hussain (dictator not prophet) cackle with glee. The plate had come from the bearing on the microwave and cooked his fluffy duck face right in the area where Arnies skin comes away in the first Termonator movie.

So, long story short I decide to build him a new face. Make him better. The fabric gets repaired with an anti-static TV cloth and I order several sophisticated resistors and LED's from Hong Kong.... In bulk of course as there is little point ordering one. I wait for a fortnight, receive the package then put it along with duck to one side yet to be touched.

In place of any actual ambition I have sworn to one day give that simple cloth duck full of grain a wider spectrum of "sight" than any human. Hopefully with the ability to change the neighbours TV channel across the courtyard.
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:46, Reply)
Just look...
..at this pile of old shit.
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:44, 1 reply)
Mission - to write a reply to the latest QOTW
. . . oh, is that the time . . .
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:43, Reply)
Ah, this reminds me of when I was doing my National Diploma in Motor Vehicle at college
Many a project was started but never finished, usually leaving a completely non-working vehicle that, at the start, used to be almost road worthy with a few tweaks.

The main one that sticks in my mind was trying to turn this early 90's BMW into a Touring Car. Our tutor decided that we needed to make it as light as possible, so out came the tools and then out came the interior of the car leaving no seat for the driver. Brilliant! So we tried to fit a bucket seat from a Toyota MR2 (there's a story about that too, maybe I'll post it later) but it wouldn't fit. So I mounted it on 2 planks of wood so we could get it to fit the original seat mounts. Hmmm, very safe in a race situation.

After lightening it was decided that it should have a spoiler, so out came the welder and the steel plating. We built the most stupid spoiler I have ever seen because we couldn't agree on the design (should it be supported from the middle or the ends?) so we went for both. This means that all the weight that was taken out was added on the back end in the form of a spoiler made from twice the amount of mild steel it needed (to be fair it should never be made from steel in the first place).

The final nail in the coffin of this project was when we cut out the catalytic convertors and replaced it with steel tubing and welded cones on the end of the exhaust. It sounded like a souped up tractor!

Another thing that had been fitted was a roll cage that didn't connect in certain places.

So we ended up with a gutted BMW that weighed as much as tractor and sounded like one. Oh and did I mention that after doing all that we discovered it had a crack in the engine block. Lucky we ballsed it up really, otherwise we might have been pissed off.
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:42, Reply)
I got a few...
but I'm just procrastinating...
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:41, Reply)
Sins of the father
My six year old son had been in a bit of strife at school clashing with his literacy teacher and getting himself in trouble.

We had a talk about it and came to the conclusion he should keep his head down, do what the teacher asked and stop fighting the system.

He took it on board and the issue at school went away, so I decided a reward was in order. He always has liked remote control stuff so in the airport one afternoon I picked up a remote control helicopter for him.

We took it to the park to give it a fly, and me, the super Dad decided I should fly it first to show him how to do it.

With in 10 mins I had got it stuck up a tree twice, crashed it upteen times and been generally rubbish at flying a remote control helicopter.

The little fella had inquired a few times while I attempted to destroy his helicopter when he would get a turn. I handed the control over to him, expecting worse results.

He took off, flew over the trees, did a few circuits of the oval we where on and brought it in for a pin point landing. He then showed me how to do a few touch and go maneuvers, how to use the remote control to trim the aircraft and how to control the speed and lift for smooth landings.

He offered me back the controls to have another go but, I declined. Failure to fly it was not the issue, I didn't need the little shit rubbing it in.
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:39, 2 replies)
Has started off well, got some good stuff done, but then slowed down to a stop.

That should make The Doveston happy, pretentious twat.
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:37, Reply)
Web 3.0

(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:33, 1 reply)
I make music in a fashion that puts me in the same league as Axl Rose, The Stone Roses and My Bloody Valentine.

Currently trying to finalise a track I've been working on since July 2007.

Musical output in last three years? Two songs.

I'll have the album ready by 2037.
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:31, 3 replies)
ver 1.1

I swear it's a beta version.
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:29, Reply)
My project for this week
Was to be 'First, Yay!' on the new QOTW. Sadly, I got distracted watching Dickenson's Real Deal and I'm nowhere near being first.

Oh well. Always next week.
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:28, Reply)
My back garden...
Ripped up the old patio with full intentions of replacing it back in May. Now it resembles a small jungle what with all the weeds (some about 3' tall).

(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:28, Reply)
Yay, first ever first page!
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:28, 2 replies)
For my sins I used to work for GEC (Marconi's)
In the mid 80's I did some work on the "Phoenix" project. Basically it was an I.R. camera attached to a remote air vehicle.

It was call Phoenix because it had risen from the ashes of an older project "Supervisor". This was a mere flying dustbin with an I.R. camera.

On the T.V. only about 5 years ago there was a documentary on MOD projects that were going over budget. Phoenix was one that was mentioned.

Makes you proud, doesn't it!
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:28, Reply)
USS Tarawa
Currently next to me is a model of Godfathers aircrafter carrier, that he served on in the 1950's. Been laying there, half worked on since August. I have to ahve it done by Dec 19, thats when I will see him, and its a total surprise - yeah, not completely failed, but stalled...
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:27, 2 replies)

Edit: Yay! Highest evar QOTW position! Now what's the question?

Edit2: A story!

The Mancunian way in Manchester has a slip road that ends in mid-air! See here.
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:26, Reply)
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:23, Reply)

(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:23, Reply)

When I was a callow fresher in a provincial university I had a raging crush on a girl I had spied from afar. She had a lovely, peachy, flawless complexion, flowing dark blonde hair, and a not-intimidatingly-beautiful-but-still-beautiful face. Oh boy...

I resolved to make it a project. I was going to get to know her! (She also did English). I would speak to her! I'd impress her with my knowledge of EM Forster, James Joyce and DH Lawrence! Hell, I would even ask her out! What was the worst that could happen?

I think I managed to mumble "Hi" to her once. She failed to read my mind's fervent imaginings and went her blithe way. Ah well.
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:23, Reply)
There was the project to put a Cosworth lump into my old Mk1 Escort
I started in 1999 with the intention of taking a couple of months to complete the project.
The Escort now sits with no engine slowly rusting away.
The failure was down to the clutch cable fouling on the bulkhead.
(, Thu 3 Dec 2009, 14:22, 7 replies)

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