Compost and The Heap Thereof
Confession time: I'm a bit of an eco-cunt. Well, sort of. I'm not a hippie. And I eat meat. Lots of meat, possibly to the extent that I'd be tempted to move to France if it meant I could eat blue-cooked steak and drink fine red wine everyday (if only it were that simple). And due to the excessive consumption of ale, I probably blast more methane out of my bowels than most cattle. But on the other hand, I am one of those pro-recycling, anti-waste types. I really hate to see perfectly recyclable packaging* or perfectly good food thrown into an oversize plastic black condom that is ultimately destined to become a couple more kilograms of landfill.

So when I first moved into a place in that delightful corner of London that is the Elephant and Castle, I was very excited to find it had a garden...or, to be more accurate, a few square feet between the house and the street which were full of soil rather than concrete. It was time, I decided, to start a compost heap.

I turned a plastic bin upside down and cut the top off. I designated a little plastic bucket in the kitchen and told my flatmates to put all their kitchen waste into it, and when it filled up I wandered down into the 'garden' and dumped it in the upside down bin. The initial results were marvellous: our kitchen waste had been halved. And I had stuff rotting in a little plastic box outside which would hopefully fertilise the few square feet of soil we used to grow plants.

Then came the rats. It became apparent fairly early on that we had a rat, as one of my flatmates managed to tread on it, getting out of the shower one morning. Apparently it went "crunch," then "squeak" and then scurried out of the bathroom. Unfortunately the little bleeders were digging in my compost heap as well - that is to say, they were able to nudge under my dismembered plastic bin and eat the stuff inside it. No wonder it had been "rotting down" so fast.

Not to be defeated, I went outside with a spade and a saw. Reasoning that this was not the best way to catch the rat, I set about digging a hole, and cut some wood to fit the bottom of it. I set the bin down in that and buried it, such the bottom of my heap was set firmly in the soil, and hopefully the wood would discourage them from digging.

It did. Alas, they were also able to knock the lid off the top and get in that way. When I put bricks on the lid, they started chewing through the plastic to get in. I'm sure at one point they were trying to nest in there, before a concerted campaign of rat poison got rid of at least one of them.

The other thing, of course, which seemed to discourage them was urine. I was one step ahead of the National Trust here - piss on the heap to provide nitrogen to encourage breakdown of the contents. I think it might also have frightened the rats away: I was advised that if you visit the heap regularly, the rats are less likely to come near it, so the sight of a large, drunken man, reeking of alcohol, lumbering over to the bucket, popping the lid off and releasing a volume of foul-smelling liquid over it would surely have put off the most determined of rodents. (I also found out that one of my flatmates had overdone it one night, realised there wasn't time to get his keys out and hurry to the bathroom, and decided the best course of action was to vomit in there, which must have terrifying for them.)

Still, after the rats had been scared off and it just became a box full of rotting crap, I had my doubts as to whether this stuff was actually becoming usable compost. And in the weeks leading up to us moving out of the house, I decided it was time to bury all evidence of this heap. I would pull the box up and break it up to go in the bin, and bury all the decomposing kitchen waste, urine, vomit and god-only-knows-what-else.

I lifted the box, fully expecting to find evidence of meals we'd eaten 18 months prior. Instead, beneath the top six inches of fresh stuff, I found a neatly compacted cuboid of rich, brown, worm-riddled compost. VICTORY WAS MINE!

I buried it all and have since attempted to start up a new one at my new abode. It's an exciting life I lead.

*_{A little part of me dies inside every time I have to throw a Tetra-Pak in the bin.}
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 7 Dec 2009, 15:30, 7 replies)

Ha!
I have a proper black plastic composter thingy that the previous owners left behind. I have been adding to it for 3 years now with no real "exit strategy" in mind.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 7 Dec 2009, 15:56, closed)

Fruit flies
I think my compost bin project has failed.
Probably a lack of male pee being added I guess.
Got one of those big dalek looking black bins a year ago and have been religiously putting in all my garden and kitchen waste, even asking my neighbours to put theirs in too.
It stinks, and the only thing making lifting the lid bearable at the moment is not getting a face full of fruit flies like i did all summer.
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Mon 7 Dec 2009, 23:34, closed)

Bad smell?
It's too wet. I had this problem initially: you've got to try and balance soft, moist, "green" items with drier "brown" ones. So all your garden and kitchen stuff will provide plenty of green, but in order to balance the excess moisture, try throwing in things like sawdust, wood chippings, ripped-up paper, tissues. It sounds like you need a moisture buffer quite urgently, so I'd recommend some straw if you've got any knocking around.

Then take a piss on it.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 10:15, closed)

Apparently
Lady pee doesnt work, so ive heard, and somehow I dont think asking my 70 yr old neighbour would be appropiate ;)
It does have shredded newspaper in it and I added worms, but they probably wriggled off somewhere more hospitable.
I think I'll grit my teeth, add more paper and give it all a good old stir, bokes
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 13:46, closed)

How odd
The reason urine works is, I believe, due to the nitrogen in it. And everyone's urine has nitrogen in it, so I presume it's the hormones in lady-whizz that have a counterproductive effect. (For example, ever had a female dog piss on your lawn? The grass that received it goes all yellowy and takes a long time to recover...)
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 14:14, closed)

Click!
Great stuff!
( SpankyHanky, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 14:30, closed)

This is like a how-to
with extra rat and random drunk blokes. Thanks, will try at home (when i get a garden).
(bovine intervention, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 18:59, closed)