ZOMBIE HEAD
Having never had a period or given birth I couldn’t honestly tell you how that feels.

But I do know that if you happen to own a cock then you know a thing or two about pain. Take the hardest bastard in the world, the type of burly uber-man who shits bullets and eats babies for breakfast while sharpening his teeth to points on a rusty hacksaw and kick him squarely in the happy sacks. He’ll go down faster than a load of MILFS at an after screening Twilight party when that gay vampire emo dude walks into the room with his flies unzipped.

And that brings me onto Georgina...

Greek bird I knocked about with at Uni for a bit. Hairy. Very hairy. You needed a permit from the Forestry Commission and a compass to go anywhere near her bush. Her pubic mane was so thick and dark I half expected to find a lost Incan city or a tribe of pygmies having a little dance round a human sacrifice while prodding about down there.

Anyway, Georgina was a pretty straight-laced girl who’s idea of ‘naughtiness’ stretched to giving me a hand job while the TV was still on. When I offered, in a very gentlemanly way, to clear out her shitpipe with my hot meat injection she declined and suggested I may be the child of the anti-Christ.

But way before this, back in the early fumbling stages of our relationship, I was walking Georgina back to her halls, being all nice and charming while wondering to myself if she gushed when she came. We get into her place. Thankfully my good friend alcohol had been consumed by the bucket load and I knew I had a crack at getting near Georgina’s greasy beef bucket.

We chat. We laugh. I’m starting to get bored. So I think: Bollocks to this and dive on. Georgina’s receptive, thank fuck, and we start a bit of a snogging sesh. Eventually, after rubbing my hard-on against her leg for twenty-odd minutes like a dog in heat, Georgina takes the hint and reaches for my fly.

WAAAYYY-HEEEAAAYYYY !!! WE HAVE LIFT OFF !!!

While stroking Georgina’s long dark hair I whisper romantically: “How about a blowjob?”

Georgina looks up at me with her chocolate brown eyes and almost immediately descends on my purple-headed wank wand. And clamps her mouth round it. And keeps it there. For about thirty seconds. Puzzled, I start rocking my hips about while gently pushing her head down, trying to get a bit of life into the situation. It was like getting a blowjob from a fucking zombie.

Then, all of a sudden, realising things weren’t going to plan, Georgina takes in a deep breath through her nose and
BLOWS hard down my japs eye like she was playing the fucking tuba. I jerk backwards, PAIN??? FUCKING P-A-I-N !!! I twat my head hard against the wall, my arms go up and I somehow manage to cuff Georgina round the face with my fist. This causes Georgina to bite down hard on my man meat as if she were having her leg sawn off without aesthetic. I scream. Georgina screams. I start sobbing, so does Georgina. My cock shrinks so quickly I thought it was going to invert into my body and I’d suddenly become transsexual.

So, I’ve had air blown into my prostate with the violent force of a localised hurricane, I’ve got a gash on the back of my head from where I headed the wall, and I’ve got a nice ring of bloody teeth marks on my – quite frankly tiny, trembling and scared - baby batter bazooka. Oh, and I’ve also got a sobbing girl with the first blossomings of a black eye to contend with.

I take the only sensible course of action. I put my head to one side and vomit. In Georgina's bed.

Could say that night was a bit of a disaster. And it’s sort of not following the instructions properly. How the fuck was I to know that sweet, innocent, incorruptible Georgina had never given a blowjob before???

And the weird thing is later that year I found out Georgina had had a DP session with a couple of lads on the engineering course...

...(if only I'd have gotten to know her later in the year).
( SpankyHanky, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:47, 6 replies)

never had a period or given birth ....
thats how I like me girls.
(waxdart hello., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:48, closed)

Spanky, Spanky, Spanky.
Is there no end to your perversions? No?

Bloody good job, or Fridays would be unbearable.
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:58, closed)

Had me giggling as usual
but I must say, rather predictable... :p

Clicky.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:59, closed)

My first wife was similarly uneducated
except that she thought the term "sucking off" meant that she needed to physically suck the jizz out. This resulted in a very short period of her sucking my knob, and knob only. She sucked it so hard I almost ended up with my whole knob resembling a hicky (teenage term for love bite at the time).Whilst rather painful it pales into insignificance after reading this.
(M61A1 CUPID- STUNTS, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:08, closed)

Ha!
Now that is a decent comeback, so to speak.

Heard you were dead (Plissken style)
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:25, closed)

"So, I’ve had air blown into my prostate"
I don't think it's where you think it is.
(Vulpine or something, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:51, closed)