They should be redecorated every three months.
They should serve cocktails made of cheap rubbish alcohol and half a litre of flat coca cola served by spotty youths who can do some half-arsed juggling but wouldn't know a decent Martini if it fucked them.
They should have bouncers who apply arbitrary rules of entry to give the no-neck untucked ben sherman shirted mediocrities inside some sense of exclusivity.
They should have a DJ playing the lowest order of treacle-coated soulless R'n'B at least twice as loud as any conversation.
They should be built on the shattered remains of a decent pub on the spurious grounds that they will generate more income and should go bust within six months.
They should serve tinned olives and cheap houmous with dry scraps of bread and call it Tapas.

And then they should fuck RIGHT the fuck off and die.

edit: and if this post, of any fucking thing I have ever written, doesn't get on the popular board then you are a heartless bunch of motherfuckers
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 20 Mar 2007, 15:26, archived)

YAY!
More of this kind of thing!

Edit: also, they should understaff the bar just enough so that you have to wait 45 minutes to get served some ridiculously overpriced crap.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 20 Mar 2007, 15:27, archived)

re : Your Edit.
And also decide that the best time to train new staff is at 5pm on a Friday evening as everyone gets out of work.
( The Teviot Moose major 5th., Tue 20 Mar 2007, 15:32, archived)

marry me
we can have deformed children together
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Tue 20 Mar 2007, 15:27, archived)

amazing
i think this is a perfect description
(Urban Hermit Exit, pursued by a bear on, Tue 20 Mar 2007, 15:27, archived)

Ladies and Gentlemen, a round of applause for the good doctor if you please.

( Boondocks, YEAH! has a massive penis. Everyone is scared., Tue 20 Mar 2007, 15:28, archived)

*bows*
*wipes away tear*
*walks away from board to the closing theme tune of The Incredible Hulk*
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 20 Mar 2007, 15:31, archived)

very, very much this
plus a "ladies drink free" night which is a thinly disguised attempt to draw in the local slappers with offers of free Martini based drinks
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Tue 20 Mar 2007, 15:32, archived)