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C,U,N,TS
You are c, u, n, ts
You are
C - cretinous
you are
U - unpleasant looking
You are
N - nob jockeys
T - total wankers
Oh, ohhhh oh

You get the idea anyway. You're cunts.
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 12:57, Reply)
I guess you're right

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 13:09, Reply)
well now

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 13:10, Reply)
top bantz

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 13:14, Reply)
Something tells me this is intended to call to mind the melody of a song.
If only I knew which song it was.

We've all had an e-mail round saying we're going to have a one-on-one review with HR on Friday. Needless to say, I am looking forward to this immensely /s.
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 13:16, Reply)
Make sure you invite everyone in HR to connect to your LinkedIn profile

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 13:38, Reply)
It's a good job my profile pic is of me at a St. Patrick's Day bash shirtless and carrying an inflatable sheep.

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 13:45, Reply)
standard

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 14:26, Reply)
Remember to wash your pants beforehand

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 13:41, Reply)
Totes going to wear my "Semen Is A Human Resource" t-shirt.

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 13:47, Reply)
Written in a silvery sort of slug-trail typeface?

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 14:45, Reply)
That's the one.
With just a hint of glitter for optimum nightclub visibility.
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 14:51, Reply)
Re enact that office space two bobs scene word for word, they'll love it

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 13:52, Reply)
Haven't seen that.

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 13:54, Reply)
Well I wouldn't say I've been missing it Bob.

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 14:35, Reply)
D.I.S.C.O. by Ottowan.
The first record I ever bought. Not sure why I shared this fact.
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 14:47, Reply)
you hoped someone might care?

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 14:50, Reply)
I care, m8

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 14:52, Reply)
not really lol

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 14:52, Reply)
YOU BUILT ME UP JUST TO KNOCK ME DOWN

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 15:05, Reply)
Chumbawamba'szzzzzzzzzz

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 15:11, Reply)
sorry 'Buttercup'

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 15:37, Reply)
awwwwww
You're not the massive prick everybody says you are.
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 15:42, Reply)
I fucking am, just ask my mum

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 15:46, Reply)
strikey-g I'm fucking my mum, very good, well done

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 15:58, Reply)
Cheers

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 16:23, Reply)
cheers

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 16:24, Reply)
Well done.

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 16:26, Reply)
You might be on to something there.
I crave validation.
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 15:04, Reply)
the b-side's the same song in French, tedious trivia fans

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 14:51, Reply)
oh man, I love me some tedious trivia.

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 14:54, Reply)
Isn't all trivia tedious?

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 15:07, Reply)
mine certainly is

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 15:38, Reply)
no u
lol
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 13:21, Reply)
u

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 14:52, Reply)
lol, TS

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 13:32, Reply)
Best of all the poet's

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 16:18, Reply)
TS Eliot Babysitters 4

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 16:26, Reply)
Never mind that shit, what's your favourite apple variety?

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 15:54, Reply)
iMac

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 15:58, Reply)
silver
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silver_Apples
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 16:07, Reply)
why haven't you killed yourself because of the shame?

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 16:07, Reply)
That morning thread, eh?
Awooga, what a rush!
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 10:27, Reply)
Right. That's it.
I'm going to eat an apple and I hope it's crunchy and tangy.
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 10:30, Reply)
I bit into what I thought was a slightly bruised apple, that turned out to have started going rotten.
That taste lingers.
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 10:32, Reply)
The only good apple is a granny Smith

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 10:36, Reply)
I'm on Red Prince, at the moment.
They're alright.
Granny's are a little on the tart side, and make my teeth feel furry. Good eating, though, and great to cook with.
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 10:39, Reply)
They are quite tart, that's why I like them
As for cooking, I'd choose bramleys
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 10:45, Reply)
Can't go wrong with a Bramley.
Granny is good if you just need a small amount cooked up quick.

Fooooood...
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 10:50, Reply)
I only cook apple if I'm making a crumble
Then it's bramleys with a bit of rhubarb thrown in
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 11:00, Reply)
Nom.
Diced granny, cooked off in butter and cinnamon is a nice topping for a breakfast waffle.
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 11:02, Reply)
I don't do sweet for breakfast
Savoury all the way
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 11:23, Reply)
U got that right lol.
Sweet breakfasts are for Americans and suspicious Europeans.
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 11:26, Reply)
Savoury porridge?
No thanks.
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 11:30, Reply)
Porridge is the exception that proves the rule.

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 11:36, Reply)
Pancakes with syrup, alongside scrambled egg, bacon, and a squirt of ketchup.
Best of both worlds, even if it is Yankee filth.
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 11:39, Reply)
What the actual fuck is wrong with you freaks?

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 12:01, Reply)
#AppleChat

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 10:39, Reply)
Play a song for me, +

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 11:08, Reply)
I had a Jazz apple earlier and it was reem.

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 10:41, Reply)
Mixed reviews on
www.orangepippin.com
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 10:42, Reply)
I dunno, seems pretty positive to me.
"Jazz provides the best evidence yet that modern apple development is pulling ahead of the traditional heirloom varieties. Jazz is a crisp hard apple with an excellent strong sweet-sharp flavor, and a pronounced fruity pear-drop note. The flavor undoubtedly puts it in the first rank of apples, and it is hard to think of a traditional variety that can compete with it [...] The butter-yellow flesh is juicy, crisp and dense. Indeed perhaps the one drawback of Jazz is that it is a very solid apple, and may be a bit difficult to bite into if you do not have strong teeth - the solution is to cut it into slices first."
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 10:46, Reply)
That pear drop flavour is why I don't like them

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 10:48, Reply)
Plates of meat, syrup of figs, apples and pears.

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 10:50, Reply)
What have feet, wigs and stairs got to do with it?

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 10:58, Reply)
Tina Turnerzzzzz

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 12:02, Reply)
I saw a couple of dismissive, 2 star entries, when I skimmed it.
I like Jazz apples - nicer than the Pink Lady that seems to be the current "premium" apple in the supermarkets.
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 10:54, Reply)

a i
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 12:07, Reply)
Fruit is for children and pooves

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 11:09, Reply)
Real men get scurvy.

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 11:13, Reply)

get have
y es
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 11:23, Reply)
Real men have scurves, yes indeed.

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 11:24, Reply)
Scurve wearing cock hound

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 11:33, Reply)

fuck you
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 10:44, Reply)

i.imgur.com/PBNnFTr.jpg
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 10:54, Reply)
Rush rush to the yeyo

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 11:05, Reply)
Scarface
alt: GTA3
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 11:12, Reply)
Are you fucking filming? You bastard. Oh for God's sakes. Anyway, urm.

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 11:30, Reply)
This material © Stewart Lee

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 11:46, Reply)
Dr has said I've got to have a chest xray now she's seen my blood results, bit of a worry , I only went for bad guts

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 12:37, Reply)
shit, good luck

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 12:54, Reply)
The internet says lung cancer or heart disease, still I suppose my liver must be ok

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 12:58, Reply)
I think if your liver's fucked you feel knackered all the time

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 14:08, Reply)
it's almost exactly two years to the day that I had to have a chest xray
it turned out that I didn't have lung cancer, I hope the same is true for you
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 13:10, Reply)
morning

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 7:24, Reply)
What did you have behind the door of your brexit calendar today?

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 7:26, Reply)
A burning cross.
But, like, a totally not racist burning cross.
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 7:31, Reply)
carol vorderman's british arse

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 7:40, Reply)
Infest

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 9:07, Reply)
Hmm.

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 7:30, Reply)
alright

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 7:40, Reply)
Grüezi mitenand

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 8:12, Reply)
typical EU fanatic

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 8:13, Reply)
Switzerland's not in the EU m8.
Hth.
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 8:18, Reply)
they're all sausage guzzling krauts mate, we all know it

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 8:23, Reply)
You can't get British bangers over here.
It's rubbish.
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 8:24, Reply)
what's the wurst that could happen?

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 8:26, Reply)
You can't deny it's a snag at breakfast time.

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 8:27, Reply)
Taking back control

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 8:15, Reply)
take back control of THIS
*points at crotch*
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 8:30, Reply)
Sure, I'll get some rubber gloves and a pair of chopsticks
(I've seen this done by a vet)
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 8:44, Reply)
cor!

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 8:45, Reply)
so it is

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 8:53, Reply)
First day with reduced staff due to my main assistant reducing his hours
I'm going to have to do some work today :(
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 8:54, Reply)
Get cracking on your updated CV and create yourself a LinkedIn profile!

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 9:15, Reply)
Get fucked

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 9:17, Reply)
two words mate
beeter headhunters
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 9:25, Reply)
How dare your employers monopolise your valuable time that you could be spending on beeter.

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 9:22, Reply)
it's an outrage and I won't stand for it



*sits for it*
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 9:34, Reply)
+h

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 9:56, Reply)
Morning

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 9:01, Reply)
willy

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 9:16, Reply)

pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/651663693298724865/PH7jd84N.jpg
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 9:19, Reply)
^ big willy style

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 9:39, Reply)

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post2628589
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 9:50, Reply)

encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTr6nPijYy8BTQMFR6qCk4xVQWEAxzAi425U_hzR9d5aJtE2JQm
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 9:38, Reply)
^ willy the people

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 9:40, Reply)
Willie Willie Willie can't you see
Sometimes your snooker just hypnotizes me
And I just love your watery eyes
Guess that's why you're so broke
(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 9:46, Reply)
How's it going
I'm still feeling really fucking rough from the weekend. My plan is big dinner, early night, and no booze for a couple of days. I'm hanging like the gardens of babylon over here
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 14:51, Reply)
waiting on this week's hours
and suspecting there won't be any
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 15:01, Reply)
Likewise, I'm hanging like a 70's ladygarden
in the words of danny glover: fuck shit cunt bollocks
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 15:03, Reply)
You've put that choon in my head now.
Gearing up for an evening's moonlighting over here. So far the client has yet to send me anything in a format I can actually use.
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 15:04, Reply)
going to monster munch's house to watch the England game
again
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 15:05, Reply)
Gosh, I never knew there was so much football.

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 15:28, Reply)
France v. Iceland tonight, to qualify for some cup or other in 2020, apparently.
So sez my colleague.
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 16:10, Reply)
The dj at Saturday's roller disco was dropping some classic, "old skool choons" like what I used to like,
so I got distracted and tripped over my own skates, bumping my arse and my elbow (I can't tell them apart, lol!) in the process.
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 15:26, Reply)
at least you didn't trip over fuck all in the middle of the street, like a big spastic

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 15:29, Reply)
Are you recovering well?

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 15:32, Reply)
lot of bruises
but not too bad, ta
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 15:38, Reply)

at least didn't trip over fuck all in the middle of the street, like a
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 15:32, Reply)
I'll be doing it in fancy dress, next week!
Dignity? What dignity?
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 15:46, Reply)
what fancy dress?
dinosaur? tudor monarch? spaceman?
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 15:54, Reply)
I'll be "El Macho" from Despicable Me, as "putting on a shirt and not doing up the top buttons" is all the commitment to a role that I can manage.
My brother is coming as Gorshin-era Riddler, but with a pair of shorts over his tights as it's a family event.
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 16:16, Reply)
will you be wearing a luchador mask?

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 16:24, Reply)
Nah, I'm using his civilian identity.
No one needs to see me in a unitard.
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 16:27, Reply)
no one needed to see me in a tutu
but that didn't stop it happening
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 16:31, Reply)
You go girl!
And other encouraging noises.

I've been criticised for too tight trousers before now. The outline of my meat & two veg is rarely a welcome sight.
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 16:52, Reply)
i'd be wary of tight pants
the chances of them splitting are too high
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 16:58, Reply)
alright, 'Deacon Blue'

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 15:55, Reply)
Hi.

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 16:16, Reply)
Wee'll mong flid, more like!!!

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 17:41, Reply)
yeah ok ta

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 15:47, Reply)
Super, thanks for asking

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 17:23, Reply)
Hi Al!

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 17:41, Reply)
lol

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 17:42, Reply)
I love King of the Family

(, Tue 26 Mar 2019, 6:41, Reply)
It seems I still have a job
Which is good.
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 22:47, Reply)
afternoon

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 12:28, Reply)
afternoon bent

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 12:41, Reply)
And now Larry Cohen.

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 12:45, Reply)
We should live our lives as though Christ were coming this afternoon.

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 12:53, Reply)
Disgusting

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 12:59, Reply)
I'll get the kettle on.

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 13:00, Reply)
Sweet, I'll get the hobnobs in

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 13:15, Reply)
Don't bother with anything, Jesus will sort it out

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 13:24, Reply)
i've collected as many bottles as i can
gonna get him to turn the tap water into wine
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 13:27, Reply)
It all went horribly wrong when he went to the toilet
I think he turned all the piss into Riesling, but we're not sure
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 14:13, Reply)
it tastes like it

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 14:16, Reply)
he's just called to say he won't be able to make it this afternoon after all and we're to eat his share

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 13:31, Reply)
Two Hats already has :(

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 13:33, Reply)
he did the same thing when mohammed was supposed to be coming over

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 13:35, Reply)
^ infidel

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 13:46, Reply)
*nods* bent

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 13:03, Reply)
Well chill my blains
and tet my anus
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 14:14, Reply)
So that's why they called it the Tet Offensive.

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 14:21, Reply)
Something something jab something something lock jaw

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 14:56, Reply)
morning

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 6:59, Reply)
Hello

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 7:16, Reply)
alright mongy

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 7:54, Reply)
hiya

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 7:51, Reply)
doze

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 7:54, Reply)
Get up, get on up.

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 8:10, Reply)
No funk please, we're British

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:42, Reply)
Morning all!

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 8:25, Reply)
Good morning bipolarism!

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:42, Reply)
I'm in a good mood
Because I just blocked the mental's number. She was here this morning, trying to kick my door in and threatening me with all kinds because I don't want anything more to do with her
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 10:17, Reply)
urgh

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 8:40, Reply)
shurely not

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 8:47, Reply)
I had a superb weekend but fucking hell, ouch

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 8:59, Reply)
If you had a superb weekend, it was worth it.

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:04, Reply)
absolutely

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:09, Reply)
I did also
but spent most of yesterday in bed watching rubbish, I was so hung over
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:07, Reply)
I'm missing a large chunk of Saturday night

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:09, Reply)
That was when I carried you.

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:26, Reply)
^scratched his Whigfield 7"

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:43, Reply)
Last night I had an unusual moment of clarity.
I was going to crack open another couple of beers and stay up till 03:00 watching a Korean film I'd started on Saturday, but reason prevailed and I went to bed. As a result I actually feel fine this morning.
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:15, Reply)
alright don't rub it in

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:22, Reply)
Lol.
I'm sure you had a better weekend than I did, if that's any consolation. I went to see 'Captain Marvel', which everyone is saying is a bit meh, and guess what? It was a bit meh.
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:29, Reply)
my kid said the same, it was 'OK'

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:32, Reply)
Yeah.
It's just a stopgap until 'Avengers: Endgame' comes out, really.
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:34, Reply)
This is a shame.
My twins are legit excited for it, as am I. My eldest is verging on being a teenager, and therefore incapable of expressing any emotion other than a non-committal shrug, so it'll probably be right up his street.
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:55, Reply)
^ fuck off back to mumsnet

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:56, Reply)
Turtle power

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 10:56, Reply)
Your mileage may vary.
It's by no means horrible, even if it's not in the same league (heh) as the Avengers films.
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 10:10, Reply)
Reckon it'll meet my needs.
First Avenger is my high water mark for the solo MCU films, and the boy twin cites Wonder Woman as the best superhero film to date, so we ought to be well satisfied with this.
Probably see it next week, after the crowds have died down.
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 10:28, Reply)
and now Scott Walker :'(

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 8:49, Reply)
:(

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 8:54, Reply)
I liked his stuff
but he was proper bonkers
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 8:55, Reply)
he did a great record with sunn o)))

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 8:57, Reply)
I liked the Pulp one he produced

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:07, Reply)

and now Scott I am a
l n
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:00, Reply)
I concur.

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 8:50, Reply)
Alright Frank Abignayle

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:44, Reply)
You can't catch me out that easily.
I'm actually John McAfee.
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 10:04, Reply)
Two sugars in McAfee please

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 10:55, Reply)
Drimble! You'll have had your tea?
tea coffee
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 10:59, Reply)
No real names pls

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 11:15, Reply)
Sorry, $$

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 11:44, Reply)
It ain't what you do it's the way that you do it
It ain't what you do it's the way that you do it
It ain't what you do it's the way that you do it
And that's what gets results
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 8:53, Reply)
Thanks
now I've got the vision of dungarees in my head
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 8:55, Reply)
Alright Teresa May's strategist

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:46, Reply)
Oi oi

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 8:55, Reply)
“51-Year-Old Mom Shocks the World When She Loses 42 Lbs Eating ICE CREAM Every Single Day!”
this is truly amazing...

At an age when Ginger’s friends are tired, overweight, and in very poor health … she seems to be getting younger and thinner each day. In fact…

Ginger has already lost 42 lbs. and 8 pant sizes! And she continues to lose weight…
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 8:57, Reply)
Stupid headline of the day: "Cate Blanchett's Favorite $650 Facial Uses Korean Newborn Baby Foreskins"

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 8:59, Reply)
#infest

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:00, Reply)
I've been offering facials for half that, and I've still had no takers.

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:24, Reply)
If you cannot do great things, do small things in a great way

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 8:56, Reply)
Said your mother in-law to her daughter

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:45, Reply)
There is no remedy for love but to love more.

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:00, Reply)
Not much of a legal defence
but it's the best you've got so say it with a smile and a wink
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:08, Reply)
^Robert Palmer's doctor

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 9:46, Reply)
morning bottom

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 10:05, Reply)
^/talk's Rik Mayall

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 10:10, Reply)
WOOF

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 10:54, Reply)
evening
think of it as a sort of pre-morning
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 20:08, Reply)
I'm watching that Leaving Neverland.
What a fucking nonce.
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 20:10, Reply)
Grrrmachine, not Michael Jackson.

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 20:11, Reply)
Now that just ain't fair.
There's NO conclusive proof that Grrry is part of b3ta ****** and G***** F***** R** M*****'s k**-f****** posse.
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 23:35, Reply)
Alright, Grrry.
Had a productive weekend?
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 20:42, Reply)
not too bad, my kid's not dead so I'm a good parent
you?
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 20:58, Reply)
It's not been too bad, all told.
Last night's gig was brilliant and well worth staying in town for. Today's been domestic stuff: shopping, fixing a chair, putting up a lamp, fitting some new anti-vibration mats under the washing machine. Satisfying in a very low-key way.
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 21:05, Reply)
Evening
Been an absolute shitstorm of a day
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 21:12, Reply)
Shitstorm should definitely be a character in Mortal Kombat.
Just saying.
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 21:32, Reply)
I'd definitely choose that character

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 21:54, Reply)
Unless it was a golgothan

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 21:55, Reply)
Worst of all the x women

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 22:22, Reply)
What about Rogue?
Can't have a snog without putting someone in a coma
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 22:32, Reply)
Yeah, I always thought that 'superpower' was a bit shit.

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 22:32, Reply)

tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BlessedWithSuck
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 22:49, Reply)
Based on the link, I thought that was going in a different direction entirely.

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 22:52, Reply)
Hawkmen with Dysons

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 23:24, Reply)
Dysons are fucking dreadful
And seem designed to break
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 23:34, Reply)
Their hand dryers are good.
That's all I have to say about that.
(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 0:10, Reply)
It always feels like your skin is about to be pushed off

(, Mon 25 Mar 2019, 5:17, Reply)
I dunno. all time seems kinda....blurry.
'thing. Listening to Danzig on the jukebox. Might have a Maccy Dee on the way home instead of a kebab. Means walking a bit further, but I think they're doing the Monopoly thing now.

Perhaps they should try to cash in on this internet self-harm craze: McDonald's MOMOpoly. Razors instead of stickers and so forth.
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 23:31, Reply)
Behold, I am remorse
bringer of hangover. Red wine, dinner and shoe last night.
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 12:56, Reply)
Red wine is a killer
Can't touch the stuff myself
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 12:58, Reply)
^this
Waste of good grapes
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 12:58, Reply)
Poppycock

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 14:21, Reply)
lol, cock

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 14:31, Reply)
One or two glasses of it over a meal, including for the cheese course, are a thing of beauty.
Get pissed on it, however, and you will indeed get rekt.
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 13:03, Reply)
Even one glass makes me incredibly ill

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 13:09, Reply)
Are you allergic to tannins or something?

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 13:12, Reply)
quite possibly

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 16:40, Reply)
In which case you should make like a tree

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 16:58, Reply)
And what? Photosynthesize?

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 18:10, Reply)
Have someone go at your ankles with a chainsaw

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 19:55, Reply)
Fucking dwarfs

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 22:15, Reply)
I don't know what 'shoe' is, I thought it might be coke but why call it shoe?

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 13:13, Reply)
Why not?

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 14:04, Reply)
Yeah I don't want a fucking semantic discussion I'm just asking a fucking question

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 15:41, Reply)
There was an old woman who lived in it

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 15:58, Reply)
She had so many lines, she didn't know what to do

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 15:59, Reply)
She didn't ever come down, free base

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 16:10, Reply)
To throw us narcs off the scent

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 16:36, Reply)
i did alright, paced myself, was up till 2
no hangover, just muscle fatigue. so on the roast dinner for t'kids
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 16:05, Reply)
I had 2 pints and a gin and tonic then got a migraine.

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 16:47, Reply)
Gay.

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 18:40, Reply)
Groove is in the Heart still sounds fucking great

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 19:31, Reply)
Yes, my kids sing along to it, so has aged great

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 20:01, Reply)
morning

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 8:16, Reply)
yes it is.

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 8:29, Reply)
Morning.
Gutted.
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 8:53, Reply)
"Worst man" more like!! ahahaha.

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 10:01, Reply)
lol ikr! hehehehehehe

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 10:56, Reply)
proper lad
/ac
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 11:33, Reply)
Just about

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 11:38, Reply)
¯\(º_o)/¯
onlineonly.christies.com/s/handpicked-50-works-selected-saatchi-collection-online-only/yumiko-utsu-b-1978-55/67787
(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 19:28, Reply)
Whatever that is, it won't load

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 19:39, Reply)
Yeah
6d49d47bd32a151032ae-907965fc79c9900a93c12efeb23103bd.ssl.cf1.rackcdn.com/artworks/yumiko_utsu_octopus.jpg
(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 19:42, Reply)
Oh, tentacle porn

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 19:45, Reply)
Slim did it, but yeah, 3 grand at the moment

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 19:48, Reply)
she's got her mother's eyes

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 20:34, Reply)
Octopussy

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 22:16, Reply)
She has 8 pussies or her pussy has tentacles, suckers and a beak?

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 23:14, Reply)
Frequent inky discharge

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 23:28, Reply)
#infest

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 23:28, Reply)

turtle power!!
(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 23:36, Reply)

Yay!
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 0:51, Reply)
That'll ruin the sheets

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 23:49, Reply)
That's an unusual flavour of vagina dentata.

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 23:53, Reply)

I vaguely remember a documentary talking about vagina dentata. It cited the big signing Fanny from poltergeist as an example.
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 0:54, Reply)

*sucking fanny.
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 0:54, Reply)

Personally I just thought it was a hole to the spirit world. I don't know where all this stuff about fannies came from.
(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 0:56, Reply)
I blame the internet fanny works

(, Sun 24 Mar 2019, 1:17, Reply)
Oh, hello, French Polishers?
It's just possible you could save my life.
(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 8:38, Reply)
British Britishers m8, the people spoke

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 8:49, Reply)
Frexit means Polexit.

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 9:09, Reply)
One big happy family.
Polish stick
Spanish knickers
Italian kiss
Bulgarian fries
(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 12:41, Reply)
Have you ever had a Belgian kiss?
It's like a French one, but with more Flem.
(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 13:04, Reply)
I seen a peanut stand, and heard a rubber band
I knew a woman that drank her piss
(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 13:11, Reply)
Probably better than drinking someone else's.

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 14:20, Reply)
How can they be French AND Polish?

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 8:51, Reply)
Three passports, a couple of visas

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 9:12, Reply)
Alright for some.
The last time I mentioned that advert on here, garidead called me old.
(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 11:31, Reply)
lol, old

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 11:35, Reply)
throw me a frickin' bone here.

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 11:39, Reply)
Yeah, a fossilised dinosaur bone maybe, ahahaha!!!

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 13:05, Reply)
IF YOU ALL LIKE EUROPE SO MUCH WHY DON'T YOU GO AND LIVE THERE

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 12:33, Reply)
YOU KNOW, I THINK I JUST MIGHT.

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 16:28, Reply)
I DID

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 16:33, Reply)
DAT ASS

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 16:00, Reply)
Best of all the magnetic storage systems

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 16:11, Reply)
I wish I'd gone to monster munch thing now, might jump in a cab pop round

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 20:18, Reply)
send him my warmest personal regards

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 20:20, Reply)
He'll appreciate that, he's one of the warmest

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 20:23, Reply)
he will be when I firebomb him

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 20:39, Reply)
you better eat first
all the mini quiches have gone
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 20:45, Reply)
Leslie Philips isn't dead
How mad is that????!!!!!!
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 20:50, Reply)
you've talked it up
probably dead tomorrow now
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 20:56, Reply)
and now sean connery

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 21:22, Reply)
my grandparents were neighbours of Neil Connery, trufax

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 21:29, Reply)
Is that some kind of Marvel universe porn?
Also, alright mongy.
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 20:55, Reply)
Yeah and yeah zuks

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 21:03, Reply)
grand.
Not about much but if yer still near the 'standard we'll have to arrange something.
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 21:12, Reply)
My thing will live in infamy.

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 21:13, Reply)
layo on masterchef, no sign of Bushwacka!

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 21:20, Reply)
Wish I wasn't working again in 8 hours
Woman I worked with today was 62 and had more customers than anyone in the last 2 weeks. There are some sick fucks out there.
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 23:27, Reply)
I'm sure age brings a certain degree of experience.

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 23:51, Reply)
I thought Wayne Rooney had gone to the States

(, Sat 23 Mar 2019, 0:00, Reply)
The weekend is nearly upon us, teh woo and teh yay
I'm off to Cheshire for a christening.

How bow u lol
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:27, Reply)
Naink

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:29, Reply)
going to monster munch's house to watch the England game

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:29, Reply)
monster munch is having a party, bring your vodka and your charlie

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:37, Reply)
heh

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:39, Reply)
Always tell your mummy if you're going somewhere.

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:54, Reply)
widdles and plops
and going to monster munch's house to watch the England game obv
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:33, Reply)
I hope he does those mini quiches again
those were lovely
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:37, Reply)
i like his sausage on a stick :)

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:38, Reply)
I don't like the sauce though

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:39, Reply)
I went to a wake once and the bar snacks were half a sausage on a stick , great times

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:39, Reply)
Going to monster munch’s house to watch him do widdles and plops

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:37, Reply)
not all that interested in the England game, but I might pop over to monster munch's for a few cans once it's all over

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:39, Reply)
Cans?
How ghastly.
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:55, Reply)
I'm bringing a 9 pack of Andrex, we can get right on it

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:01, Reply)
Have a good shit, m8.

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:11, Reply)
I almost decided to go away for the weekend
but there's a gig tomorrow night I want to catch. So apart from that, dunno yet. I do know that I'm going to sit out in my garden with a big beer as soon as I get out of the office.
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:47, Reply)
You wouldn't be welcome at my house, anyway.
:(
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:55, Reply)
I'm giving your house a wide berth for as long as it's contaminated with football.

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:58, Reply)
Cool, I'll pop over to yours until it's all over.

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:12, Reply)
Right u r m8.
I hope you're not looking to catch the match, because I don't have a telly.
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:17, Reply)
I hate football.

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:25, Reply)
OK; coming round to yours now with a six-pack of jenkem.

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:29, Reply)
I wondered who Two Hats had bequeathed his stash to.
RIP
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:32, Reply)

with like
b qu
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:20, Reply)
It'll be my first opportunity to try out my glitter booty shorts before Gay Pride on 1 June.

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:22, Reply)

e a
IBYDYDOB
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:54, Reply)
Hosting a sedate dinner party for my boss.
Hope no unexpected guests turn up!
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:57, Reply)
you can call me whatever you want ;) xXx

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:00, Reply)
I can call you Al.

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:26, Reply)

sedate dinner lemon
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:01, Reply)
Wouldn't be a lemon party without old Dick

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:03, Reply)
alright tina fey

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:08, Reply)
yeah, not bad, cheers
just cleaning my tits
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:09, Reply)
Are you going to go full 'Terry and June' and be discovered in a closet dressed in an SS uniform?

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:40, Reply)
Ah, mcbeef's spring collection.

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 19:34, Reply)
In work till 10 tonight
Up at 6 tomorrow to do it all again. Hope to watch the snooker final.
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:10, Reply)
firebombing monster munch's house

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:15, Reply)
his house is also a refuge for Islamic migrants
so that's a hate crime
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:23, Reply)
Two birds with one stone.
Muslims, and b3ta posters.
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:25, Reply)
Gatecrashing monster munch's England game party to beatbox in the nude

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:39, Reply)
that's half-time sorted
strike through lunch
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:51, Reply)
I'm trying to get hold of this film but am drawing a blank
web.archive.org/web/20110604000413/http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1808744201/cast

Can any of you internet types help an old luddite out?
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:53, Reply)
I'd be careful googling for 'breath control'
You might end up on Collarspace.
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:57, Reply)
I'll have a look on t'newsgroups when I get home

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 16:14, Reply)
Ok goddit
will upload it & gaz a link later
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 17:10, Reply)
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 17:58, Reply)
I know who is getting my nob el peace prix

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 20:16, Reply)

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(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 15:57, Reply)
It's always been my worry about qc buying my adult nappies from chinks , this reassurance helps

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 16:02, Reply)
I'll request a few samples and test them out for quality

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 16:08, Reply)
Bent Reznor?

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 19:00, Reply)
yeah, it's me, want to make something of it?

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 19:22, Reply)
No, but I'm interested in a nursing pad pet pad

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 20:08, Reply)
gazzed.

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 20:13, Reply)
5/7 you whimpering flibbertigibbets
www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-47643146
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:21, Reply)
3/7

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:26, Reply)
Weak

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:39, Reply)
that's me babe, shitcock out

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:43, Reply)
3/7 'Adolf Hitler'

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:28, Reply)
Weak, also

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:40, Reply)
n/n

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:30, Reply)
onoes

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:40, Reply)
7/7 mostly guesswork

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:32, Reply)
Strong

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:40, Reply)
6/7 "Cock Piss Partridge"

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:41, Reply)

c o i a Par Bab
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:44, Reply)
Poxy hour wait to get blood tests and I'm still not doing some shit BBC quiz

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:44, Reply)
you can get it done in most chemists now without the hour wait

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:45, Reply)
Dunno about that, the form only mentioned hospitals

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:48, Reply)
Really?
That's news to me, I guess I'm not most chemists.
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 13:13, Reply)
ok some chemists
in England, dunno about you scotch
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 13:15, Reply)
I'm not letting some 16 year old boots worker stick a needle in me

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 13:18, Reply)
in my experience the people who rarely do it are far more careful and gentle than the phlebotomy nurses who do it all day long

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 13:24, Reply)
Shot through the arm
And you're to blame
Tangles, you give phlebotomy a bad name
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 13:31, Reply)
The lady who did mine was a living saint doing a tough job in a struggling nhs, I suppose tangles wants her sacked

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 13:50, Reply)
tangles won't be happy until the NHS is sold off to the Chinese

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 13:55, Reply)
once we are finally free of the shackles of the eu we can trade freely with the chinese
this will be a great opportunity for us all
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:23, Reply)
apart from monster munch, who will be shot

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:24, Reply)
Careful, my corneas are probably quite valuable.

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:38, Reply)
in a free market economy the private sector offers more choice and drives up standards through competition

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 13:57, Reply)
lol, are you [insert name of any health secretary from the last couple of decades]?

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 13:59, Reply)
don't lol
tangles would put you against the wall first, admin vermin
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:03, Reply)
I'd go willingly.
I'm a drain on the public purse.
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:06, Reply)
you certainly smell like one

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:08, Reply)
Nonsense, I have an enchanting musk.

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:23, Reply)
Fleb bottomist lol!

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 13:35, Reply)
Grow up.

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:06, Reply)
please don't tell lies on the internet

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 13:21, Reply)
I have never told a lie on the internet

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 13:44, Reply)
SEVEN OUT OF SEVEN, BITCHES

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 13:09, Reply)
If you want to know how much Rob cares about this place, click on his name
b3ta.com/features/faq/#who
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 13:26, Reply)
hahahaha
Even more lol is the fact that the other two profiles work just fine.
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 13:27, Reply)

3/7. I've all but stopped reading the news due to it being a tool of propaganda controlled by our reptilian overlords.
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 13:41, Reply)
0.571428571428571

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 14:05, Reply)
I blame you all for this autocomplete nonsense
imgur.com/FXnyTYM
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 10:12, Reply)
me babe, shitcock out

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 10:16, Reply)
FFS...

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 10:21, Reply)
+Betty when you call me, you can call

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 10:47, Reply)
hahaha

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 10:23, Reply)
I'll xxx your online event any time

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 10:34, Reply)
Yek yek yek, it's magic.

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 10:41, Reply)
I blame you for this
www.thurrockgazette.co.uk/news/17519886.former-popstar-david-van-day-wins-aveley-and-uplands-by-election
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 10:49, Reply)
where did this go?
b3ta.com/talk/8216177
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:00, Reply)
i think gari delolted

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:02, Reply)
Yeah, I deleted your post because I'm a mod now
bow before me!
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:04, Reply)
It was me babe, shitcock out

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:12, Reply)
very noble of you to help dozer save face there
he might have looked like a right prick otherwise
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:13, Reply)
it was a close run thing!

(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:14, Reply)

#awkward
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:18, Reply)
you might find this labour-saving device useful
b3ta.com/board/11281094
(, Fri 22 Mar 2019, 12:12, Reply)

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