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fucking hell the string and bits of elastic that's been holding b3ta together for all these years is finally coming apart

(, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 11:38, Reply)
Not to mention the bits of string and elastic!

(, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 11:57, Reply)
sorry english isn't my first language

(, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 12:04, Reply)
How do you know?

(, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 14:28, Reply)
where's cr3 when you need him?

(, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 12:18, Reply)
Needs more duct tape

(, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 12:28, Reply)
alright the LOVELY hitler

(, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 12:30, Reply)
My goodness, where would you post your mentally ill drunken ramblings day and night if this internet forum wasn’t here?
- Jonty
(, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 14:14, Reply)
alright

(, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 0:11, Reply)
yes

(, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 0:14, Reply)
Mustn't grumble.

(, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 0:36, Reply)
why not?

(, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 0:40, Reply)
It's not the done thing.

(, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 0:41, Reply)
so you do have something to grumble about?

(, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 0:55, Reply)
y

(, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 11:01, Reply)
has anyone seen mike hunt?

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 21:44, Reply)

sure
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:06, Reply)
knew i'd seen him somewhere

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:08, Reply)
his nom de plume, bent cunt, is probably only a few emojis away

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:10, Reply)
i hope so, he gets very lonely

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:12, Reply)

this might be relevant to your interests
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:18, Reply)
Moon Girl Technologies
now that's a name i've not seen in a long time. a long time.
also some of those other cunts
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:21, Reply)

ditto
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:23, Reply)
does the talk board get archived or do they just print it off and wipe their arses with it?

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:23, Reply)

dunno, it would be a shame to think that some of the witty discourse from talk will be lost in time
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:25, Reply)
time will make internet comments of us all

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:26, Reply)

i fucking hope so, i'm not writing this high calibre stuff just for it to be spunked up the wall
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:32, Reply)
not even a real wall. a virtual wall in a virtual dive bar in a virtual west end town.

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:35, Reply)
of a dead end world

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:38, Reply)
w e s t e n d g i r l s

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:39, Reply)
great days

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:45, Reply)
-d +g

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:46, Reply)
Dreat days

(, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 13:27, Reply)
i was going to send you a message but i can't so i won't

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:46, Reply)
fair dos
on that bombshell i'm off to bed, i hope you find mr hunt
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:51, Reply)
probably hogging all the fucking duvet again
goodnarg
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:52, Reply)
phew, we survived the great b3ta server fire of 2020!
capital!
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 10:21, Reply)
Hurrah!
Fuck this shitty morning. No trains to London: hour wait for train to Basingstoke, coach to Woking, back on the shitting train and now heading into tine.

We should've been home by now, not even at fucking Clapham Junction.

Crapham Spunkbum more like :(
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 10:33, Reply)
lol

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 10:36, Reply)
alrite shit for stains

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 12:12, Reply)
Europe's busiest train station, so they say.
Assuming "busiest" here means "stabbiest, grimiest and most soulless".
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 10:46, Reply)
have fun and be yourself x

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 11:07, Reply)
+eral

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 18:17, Reply)
Britains longest bar at a pub at clapham junction, get involved

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 11:51, Reply)
get a car you fucking peasant

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 11:54, Reply)
Unfortunately, this thread appears to have remained intact; please delete both it and yourself ASAP.
Thanks in advance,

Jonty
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 10:55, Reply)
no can do mr cum
thread deletion is frowned upon
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 11:06, Reply)
I’ll look into it further; I’m not sure you’re correct. And please, enough with the formalities, call me Jonty.
- Jonty
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 11:14, Reply)
can do, Jonty

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 12:27, Reply)
I survived having to wait until the pub opens at 12
Nearly, almost there
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 11:54, Reply)

power through old bean
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 12:25, Reply)
Ok, so - what about if they're both bisexual?

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 12:09, Reply)
fuck of back to lgbt+net

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 12:13, Reply)
omg

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 12:25, Reply)
i'm not sure i fully understand

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 12:30, Reply)
If a bisexual man bummed a bisexual woman, would it be gay?

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 12:49, Reply)

no
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 12:51, Reply)
Alright, Captain Science
Show your working.
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 13:02, Reply)
bum or no, it's still man on woman

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 13:06, Reply)
Yeah but is bumming gay?

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 13:08, Reply)
no

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 13:33, Reply)
So it's the gays that are gay, NOT the bumming itself?
Is touching a ck gay?
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 13:50, Reply)
what's a ck?

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 13:57, Reply)
Cock.
Dunno why my 'phone changed it.
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 14:18, Reply)

oh yes then, i have someone else hold little chuffer when i do a wee
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 14:21, Reply)
A comedian who likes to masturbate in front of women in working situations.

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 16:36, Reply)
ohhhh yes i know the one
a shock of ginger hair and not particularly funny
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 16:54, Reply)
Yep, Louis CK. His standup can be decent but he's desperate to 'shock' sometimes and it's a bit tired.
He's also had numerous failed sitcoms, I've seen clips of some of them and he's completely charmless, he just comes across as angry and unpleasant and unfunny.
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 17:17, Reply)
brb, you mean

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 17:19, Reply)
Cheers

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 17:52, Reply)
Queers

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 22:49, Reply)
None of my sitcoms failed.

(, Sun 9 Aug 2020, 13:56, Reply)

i quite liked him in parks & rec to be fair
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 18:02, Reply)
I forgot he was in that. I binge-watched parks & rec a few years back and although I thought it was funny not much of it has stuck with me.

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 18:12, Reply)
hmmm yeah i know what you mean actually

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 18:18, Reply)
"comes across as angry and unpleasant"
Are you still talking about the wanking?
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 18:41, Reply)
If I may?
It’s all gay, Justin. All of it. Whenever people touch each other, that’s gay. Bumming is not a defining characteristic here: any kind of contact between people is stridently, flamboyantly gay. Just existing is gay, it’s gay, it’s very very gay.

I hope this answers this particular question, and all future questions on this matter.
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 18:25, Reply)

i.imgur.com/bH9hSPA.gifv
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 12:23, Reply)
oooo kinky!

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 12:30, Reply)
That needs to be marked as NSFW. Please make sure the correct tags are applied in future.
- Jonty
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 13:14, Reply)
Veh veh funneh.

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 13:16, Reply)
Sorry about that

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 12:38, Reply)
nps

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 12:41, Reply)
Can mongychops be released from the naughty step

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 12:41, Reply)
More than my jobs worth governor

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 12:43, Reply)
Seems hes stuck in limbo forever then, trapped with the kitten due to rubbish code

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 12:54, Reply)

Sounds painful
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 13:13, Reply)
we could start a petition

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 13:16, Reply)
a gaz petition

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 15:16, Reply)
Not a joke though, he got stepped and he's stuck there. He has a lot of gazzes to answer.

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 17:13, Reply)
Or maybe you're all symptoms of a massive stroke and I don't know it

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 14:11, Reply)
that's true
a fate worse than a fate worse than death
(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 14:16, Reply)
just having the aircon regassed when did you last gas something?
No nazi jokes please
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 15:44, Reply)
I just gas ped at how shit this thread was!!11

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 15:54, Reply)


(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 15:55, Reply)
Booze time, cheers

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 16:26, Reply)
Ah go on then, mine’s a Corona

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 17:34, Reply)
it's been a pretty shit day on slashtalk today

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 15:59, Reply)
Not enough 2D platformers threads

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 16:10, Reply)
alright

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 16:22, Reply)
Cheers

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 16:41, Reply)
Cheers

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 12:34, Reply)
This place would be dead on its arse if everyone stopped posting.
Maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing.
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 23:21, Reply)
pretty sure it was just dead on its arse cos everyone stopped posting

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 23:28, Reply)
I have a calor gas heater in my SHED.Does this count?

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 15:55, Reply)
I doubt anyone cares; you seem rather dull.
Best,

Jonty
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 16:06, Reply)
gas mongychops, he likes that sort of thing.

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 16:05, Reply)
Dead of the covid

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 16:06, Reply)
rip

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 18:12, Reply)
Couple of weeks ago, to kill some wasps,
if we extend 'gas' to cover airborne powder, and include paying someone else to do it.
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 18:19, Reply)
gassed my pants recently

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 18:24, Reply)
any casualties?

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 19:00, Reply)
BUT WHAT IF A GAY MAN BUMS A LESBIAN?

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 20:16, Reply)
then she becomes straight

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 20:57, Reply)
I've got a portable knock-off Sodastream thingy.
Gassing bottles of water all day long, yo.
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 20:18, Reply)
My lighter
About 2 hours ago
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 20:54, Reply)
I’d like to wish you all a good afternoon.
- Jonty
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 12:03, Reply)
good afternoon

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 12:04, Reply)
Certainly is
- Jonty
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 12:43, Reply)
good afternoon cum
4/10 www.comedy.co.uk/quiz/113/
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 12:09, Reply)
5/10

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 12:14, Reply)
6 ha ha ha!

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 12:28, Reply)
6/10

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 12:38, Reply)
Cheers

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 12:39, Reply)
Cheers

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 12:41, Reply)
Cheers

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 12:46, Reply)
Cheers
- Jonty
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 13:04, Reply)
A solid 6/10, great link; I appreciate you posting it.
- Jonty
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 12:43, Reply)
no probs, you'll find I'm kind of a big deal round these parts when it 'cums' to posting links haha

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 14:13, Reply)
Oh "Cum" on!!!!!

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 14:27, Reply)
5/10
Would probably have scored better if it wasn't all shit comedy for cunts.
Also they spelt 'cabadged' wrong.
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 13:39, Reply)
7/10

(, Sat 8 Aug 2020, 0:40, Reply)
It's spelt 'Jonti' you knobend.

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 13:41, Reply)
Excuse me? I think I know how to spell my own name, you strange creature.
Regards,

Jonty
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 13:42, Reply)
Is it pronounced cheeseburger?

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 15:06, Reply)
morning

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 7:01, Reply)
Howdy, sweating already , nice

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 7:03, Reply)
Sexy!
It's hot here too :)
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 7:43, Reply)
Be even sexier if it hits 38c on the mercury

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 7:46, Reply)
Ready Freddie

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 7:52, Reply)
there used to be this cartoon called Meatball & Spaghetti
with their catchy theme song "freddy, are you ready, for meatball, spaghetthi?".
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 8:04, Reply)
Not seen that one :(

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 8:44, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UzxrjgyfGY
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 11:10, Reply)
Warm here in Winchester but lovely and clear
Perfect for a day out in the countryside
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 7:52, Reply)
Alright Dave, large vat please

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 8:43, Reply)
Me and Betty Swollocks stopped getting along, we got our air conditioning replaced on Monday and it's fantastic

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 12:14, Reply)
fucking left my curtains open bastard sun woke me up at 6am
morning
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 7:09, Reply)
Literally woke you!

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 7:43, Reply)
Rise and shine!

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 7:53, Reply)
If a gay man bums a woman is it straight?

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 10:36, Reply)
yes

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 11:04, Reply)
Percy Sledge'szzzzzz

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 14:30, Reply)
Alright
Ribs tonight. I'm thinking JD and coke rub, with a splash of chili. We're doing a pig roast tomoz, so it looks as though social distancing is finally buggered.
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 7:42, Reply)
Nice
I had 25kg of top grade charcoal delivered the other day, gonna smoke up some shit over the weekend
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 7:56, Reply)
I prefer meat
Smoked poo sounds a bit niche
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 7:58, Reply)
You're missing out

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 8:06, Reply)

+c e
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 8:05, Reply)
alright mcbeef

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 9:37, Reply)
Coca Cola doesn’t belong on or with food. What you are proposing here is some kind of meat cocktail with bones in it.

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 18:42, Reply)
morning queef
morning all
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 8:05, Reply)
morning
Decided on Shoreham yet m8-o?
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 8:07, Reply)
nah, got a week left to decide, veering more towards not going but gonna see if they make me an offer I can't resist

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 8:33, Reply)
Alright

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 8:09, Reply)
morning

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 8:07, Reply)
Piss off

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 8:09, Reply)
wisnae talkin tae you, you fuckin jumped up cunt

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 8:16, Reply)
That’s interesting, Carol.

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 18:46, Reply)
Piss off

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 9:28, Reply)
Did my first gym class in about six months yesterday
I hurt in bits I forgot I had. Odd class: good workout but huge room and just four of us including the instructor, but it was nice to get out, you know. See people. Do normal stuff again.
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 8:20, Reply)
Lol bits

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 8:45, Reply)
That's not normal it's weird

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 12:17, Reply)
Morning

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 8:37, Reply)
Oi oi

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 8:55, Reply)
Nods genially

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 8:58, Reply)
Strikey genitals
or something, I’m too tired to make the effort
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 9:58, Reply)
Is this the morning thread, is it?

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 8:57, Reply)
Fackin is m8

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 9:29, Reply)
Oh, well, in that case: morning!

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 9:31, Reply)
Morning.

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 9:15, Reply)
Yes

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 9:29, Reply)
Good morning guys, it’s me! Jonathan ‘Jonty’ Cum; a brilliant, new comedy character!

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 9:31, Reply)
Hello John
Got a new account?
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 9:51, Reply)
No; it’s the same account you absolute goon, get a life.

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 9:57, Reply)
Welcome to b3ta
We have a right laugh here. Apparently.
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 10:00, Reply)
Thanks, good to know
Best,

Jonty
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 11:53, Reply)
Well cum, welcome! Hahahahaha

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 10:07, Reply)
Cum again? Great
Regards,

Jonty
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 11:54, Reply)
well, you're not wrong

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 9:37, Reply)
Morning
Went for a run this morning. I died.
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 9:59, Reply)
I don't see how anyone can do anything physical in this fucking mental heat.
I feel like boil-in-the-bag chicken curry just sitting at my desk.
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 10:01, Reply)
I set off at 6:30 and it was still too fucking hot

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 10:03, Reply)
I know what you mean.
I woke up at 05:30 this morning and it was broad fucking daylight...living in the Arctic Circle is a novelty to me.
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 10:12, Reply)
I would smile if I heard that you died

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 10:19, Reply)
😘😘

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 10:39, Reply)
you seem quite angry this morning Carol Vorderman's Arse
particularly strenuous poo this morning or summat?
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 10:47, Reply)
no poo, that's the problem m8

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 11:04, Reply)
have a ciggy, always works for me m8

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 11:09, Reply)
I stopped smoking yonks ago m8

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 11:25, Reply)
s'why you can't poo innit

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 11:25, Reply)
SCIENCE

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 11:31, Reply)
I died once
I got better
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 10:40, Reply)
Did she turn you into a newt?

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 10:46, Reply)
Blimey
just did a nice 10k run. Kept it gentle and got back okay but now I'm quite exhausted!
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 11:55, Reply)
Don’t bother gari, he’s too special to respond APPARENTLY

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 13:22, Reply)
Good morning to you

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 12:15, Reply)
One man's fear is another man's BOO!

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 21:09, Reply)
christ it's like an old people's home in here
what happened?
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 22:03, Reply)
twenty past nine deary!

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 22:05, Reply)
my 97 year old great aunt is more fun than this place

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 22:06, Reply)
doin alrite at poker tho so it's all good

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 22:07, Reply)
bang AA knocks out two in one

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 22:11, Reply)
75th out of 3112 atm more news as it happens

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 22:13, Reply)
fixed my mum's convertible roof today, works like a charm.

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 22:20, Reply)
trip jacks wins the pot get in

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 22:21, Reply)
probably going to win this might stop the updates
srs bsns
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 22:24, Reply)
You’re a terrible reporter

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 0:03, Reply)
yeah well i got knocked out so i'm in misery pants now. such is life.
won a few sheckles tho so not too shabby
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 0:06, Reply)
Here’s the thing, I just wouldn’t have the confidence that my opponents were real and that it wasn’t just an elaborate slot machine
That’s really why I asked the other day if you guys were all seated around a table together.
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 0:13, Reply)
depends on the format
some are single table where this is possible, i like multi table tournaments where it's much much less likely for this to happen, even if it did happen the only info that can be shared is in the example of two friends at one table, what the other friend's cards are. could help. probably not. you get moved around randomly so there's no way to know if you'll be at a table with someone or for how long for the games i play.
(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 0:18, Reply)
yo dudes how's it hanging off?

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 16:03, Reply)
i miss Bou :(

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 16:15, Reply)
go fuck yourself

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 16:32, Reply)
Cheers

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 16:33, Reply)
Cheers

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 16:47, Reply)
Cheers

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 16:50, Reply)
Cheers

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 16:59, Reply)
Cheers

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 18:13, Reply)
Like a ...
Well - it's still weeping pus, and stings when I touch it. It's started to smell a bit, too.
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 16:56, Reply)
take it to a vet

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 17:03, Reply)
I thought I'd just put it in a bag and smash it about a bit
But it is still attached.
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 17:11, Reply)
No need for all this fuss, just wait a week, it’ll fall off on its own.

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 18:18, Reply)
If I may say, that makes very little sense; and *I* should know.

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 17:46, Reply)
hello

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 19:00, Reply)
Giddy up a ding dong

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 11:14, Reply)
Best Eek-a-mouse album.

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 11:15, Reply)
my ding aling
my ding aling
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 11:19, Reply)
Yo Rich.
I don't expect you to like Broadcast, but I stumbled across a mix of 60's/70's Psych pop from the late lead singer of it and I think you will like that.

Article with downloadable .zip
aquariumdrunkard.com/2016/04/20/trish-keenans-mind-bending-motorway-mix/

Soundcloud link to stream it right away:
soundcloud.com/abandapart/sets/trishs-mind-bending-motorway-mix
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 11:32, Reply)
I like Broadcast, even if they were a poor man's Stereolab

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 11:55, Reply)
that's interesting, Carol

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 11:56, Reply)
Please don’t be rude to Carol, thanks.

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 14:18, Reply)
i this pay to view with my ears or wot

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:02, Reply)
i this pay to view with my ears or wot, is that what you’re saying?

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 14:19, Reply)
no
is this pay to view with my ears or wot
is what i meanded to wrote
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 15:08, Reply)
Ok, I must have misheard you.

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 18:18, Reply)
Bus wanker
#tehinbetweeners
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 11:49, Reply)
My nephew introduced me to the Inbetweeners.
I enjoyed the writing, but the actors can fuck off as they were shit. But I thought conceptually it was great fun.
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 11:54, Reply)
I liked it at the time, but looking back it was fairly shit.
And the films are drivel.
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 11:56, Reply)
Yes - it was certainly no Good Life
But I enjoyed the schoolboy humour, and liked that it was pretty unafraid to be (relatively) politically incorrect.
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:17, Reply)
That's interesting, Carol.

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:21, Reply)
The football series the writers have done is practically the same characters
It was pretty good
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:02, Reply)
I've split massam curry all over me

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 11:54, Reply)
i once microwaved a ready meal lasagne, put it down, turned around, and sat on it.
i was in my boxers. worse things have happened at sea, but rarely.
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:01, Reply)
Sexy as fuck.

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:18, Reply)
You are mistaken.

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:21, Reply)
lol gay

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:28, Reply)
you have no idea how sexy i look in a lasagne

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:51, Reply)
I’m desperately trying not to find out.

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 14:20, Reply)
c'mere you sexy spaghetti junction

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 15:11, Reply)
Then I say, leave me alone I’m straight, then you say, so is spaghetti until it gets wet.

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 20:37, Reply)
when is your erotic fiction novella coming out?
before you do or after?
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 20:49, Reply)
Well I got something out right now as a matter of fact

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 22:47, Reply)
disgusting

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 0:10, Reply)
I've literally got a lob on
Literally
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:23, Reply)
quite understandable

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 15:11, Reply)
Did you still eat it?
I was once really hungover, took a portion of curry out the freezer, microwaved it then while picking it up burned my fingers and dropped it on the floor.

I sighed, took another portion out and made the exact same mistake again.

My housemate nearly threw up from laughing, and then when I sighed a dejected 'I'm going to the Chinese' had the gall to give me a fucking great list of stuff to get 'seeing as you're going there anyway'.
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:45, Reply)
What a funny story!

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:50, Reply)
Shut the fuck up, Carol.

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 14:26, Reply)
^

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 14:53, Reply)
woah this is a safe space take the caustic attitude elsewhere or i'll report you to the mods

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 15:12, Reply)
You’re Literally Hitler, I can’t believe I’m only just realizing this now

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 20:42, Reply)
i can't believe it either
the clue's in the name
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 21:37, Reply)
This is exactly how it went in Germany in the old days, no-one picked up on the obvious clue.

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 22:50, Reply)
hundzeit is always 19/45

(, Fri 7 Aug 2020, 7:03, Reply)
of course i ate it
i had to scrape some of it off my boxer shorts and sit under a cold shower first tho
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:50, Reply)
Ride your own ding dong

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:23, Reply)
Ting tong

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:23, Reply)
Bit racist.

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:28, Reply)
T. Rex's first attempt was equally as shit as the finished version

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:25, Reply)
I heard it crashed and burned or something hilarious because he died in that car crash innit

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:29, Reply)
Metal guru, is it you? I don’t know Marc, I have no fucking idea what you’re wittering on about you fucknut

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 14:31, Reply)
Wanky wanky wank wank

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 14:20, Reply)
morning

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 7:14, Reply)
Gidday
I don't get the egg joke on QOTW. Am I a bit stupid?
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 7:24, Reply)
Why is that place still linked to from the main page
yet this mine of comedy and wisdom is left to languish like fine grapes wilting on the vine.
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 7:34, Reply)

the lol
alrite
y
#jimmycarreatyourheartoutlol
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 7:42, Reply)
maybe we need to bring back some of the classics to get relisted on the front page
things like -

*username* is a gay spaz who likes it up the bum bum from other gay spazzes
please be very quiet as if you were dead
gaz mongy (godrest 'im) he likes that sort of thing
don't forget to put your bins out

or maybe we need a good flounce or two, they were always good fun
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 9:05, Reply)
No, or if you are, we're stupid together.
Maybe it's not a joke. Or an anti-joke. Or something.
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 7:41, Reply)
Mushrooms.

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 7:45, Reply)
What's the smallest room in the world?
A mushroom.
What's the largest room in the world?
Room for improvement!
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 7:49, Reply)
Can the mushroom be unlocked with a monkey?

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 7:53, Reply)
What key can get into any room?
A pikey!
Or some sort of a master key if such a thing exists
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 7:56, Reply)
AN EGG

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:00, Reply)
I like eggs

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:08, Reply)
How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Unfertilized!
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:12, Reply)
what do you call a spanish man with a big nose?
nosé
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:45, Reply)
What do you call an egg who wears boxing gloves after you put him in a SodaStream?

Fizzy.
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:57, Reply)
HOW DO YOU KNOW?

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:26, Reply)
Eggs told him

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:23, Reply)
it's not meant to be taken literally

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:50, Reply)
No you’re too clever

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 14:39, Reply)
morning fellow wankers

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:27, Reply)
Read any highbrow books recently?
I bet you have!
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:29, Reply)
He's 40 years old
but has a reading age of 43!!!!
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:33, Reply)
Online tutors hate him!!!!

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:37, Reply)
What festival has a lot of books?
Reading!
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:51, Reply)
What is a bookwotm's favourite colour?
Red!!!!!
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:59, Reply)
Which reggae guy produced The Clash and wrote stuff?
Mikey Dread!
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 9:19, Reply)
What's the contracted version of the name Fredrick?
Fred!
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 11:09, Reply)
Piss off this is a private conversation

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:48, Reply)
oh :(

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:53, Reply)
Just kidding
Xxxx Turn that frown upside down :)
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 9:01, Reply)
oɥ :)

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 9:06, Reply)
hello arse

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:51, Reply)
could be talking to anyone

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 9:32, Reply)
apart from you my bestie!

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 9:41, Reply)
is it possible to break your neck in your sleep?
i think i slept at a right angle to the floor
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 9:56, Reply)
might take 200 ibuprofen and go back to bed

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 9:59, Reply)
have some toast before taking all those ibuprofen

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 10:23, Reply)
not really hungry tbh, not after eating 200 pills

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 11:06, Reply)
morning

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:30, Reply)
I've got all the windows open
trying to cool the house down before it gets hot later.
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:33, Reply)
I have to get public transport to Hampshire this morning
what joy
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:35, Reply)
Can't you just look up wherever it is you want to visit on Google Streetview?
Saves the hassle and cost of going there.
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:41, Reply)
You sound like my sister
She genuinely said she didn't understand why anyone would bother visiting Stonehenge when there are pictures online
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 9:08, Reply)
it's not actually a bad point though
i found tintern abbey to be a huge disappointment, you can get everything you want from it by looking at photos. i did get a nice hat from the gift shop though
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 9:13, Reply)
that's bollocks, but go on...

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 9:17, Reply)
it was a baseball cap with a brown faux leather peak and green cotton skull cap
it might have even been in the sale too
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 9:37, Reply)
Have you a "picture" of it?
Or some sort of "link" to their "website"?
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 9:45, Reply)
no and no, you'll have to use your mind's eye

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 9:46, Reply)
strikey jap

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 11:11, Reply)
imagine a baseball cap that alan partridge would select for outdoor pursuits

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 9:52, Reply)
Like climbing a tree?
A pear tree!
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 9:57, Reply)

b3ta.com/talk/8271625
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 10:23, Reply)
hey, I drop the Partridge references around here m8

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 10:05, Reply)
soz

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 10:23, Reply)
To be fair
Stonehenge is fucking shit.
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 11:11, Reply)
You'll be fine
I've taken trains a couple of times over the last six months and outside of rush hour they're empty
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:47, Reply)
oh no :(
may your day be free of povvos
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 9:08, Reply)
alrite queef

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 12:03, Reply)
it's thursday, or friday eve my dudes! :)))))))))

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 8:47, Reply)
Sodding rain , nobody told me it was going to rain

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 9:17, Reply)
teh lol

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 16:02, Reply)
alrite

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 16:36, Reply)
y

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 16:58, Reply)
gud gud ttfn

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 17:43, Reply)
wanker

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 16:38, Reply)
prick

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 16:52, Reply)
bit rude m8

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 17:08, Reply)
fuck off

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 17:33, Reply)
suck my balls

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 17:40, Reply)
i refuse.

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 17:43, Reply)
group hug?

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 17:44, Reply)
no fingerbum?

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 17:45, Reply)
I’m afraid not

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 17:46, Reply)
not interested then

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 17:46, Reply)
I can tickle your hoop for £20 if you like?

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 17:48, Reply)
go on then

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 17:54, Reply)

🤏📯
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 18:20, Reply)
What have we learned?

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 21:47, Reply)
fuck all as usual

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 21:50, Reply)
It’s the journey

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 23:26, Reply)
It’s the friends we made along the way

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 23:26, Reply)
It’s Literally Hitler and Carol Vordeman’s Arse trading homoerotic insults on a moribund flebsite

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 23:31, Reply)
what a time to be alive

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 11:09, Reply)
been eating asparagus, looking forward to having a stinky wee in a bit

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 16:51, Reply)
you can pee into a flask and put it beside the bed in case you get a thirst on in the... wee hours!

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 16:53, Reply)
idgi

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 16:58, Reply)
have some red wine for dark poo too

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 17:04, Reply)
I also recommend beetrot. it gets the job done

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 17:35, Reply)
i don't often have an excuse to eat beetroot but i do now

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 18:46, Reply)
w00t

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 17:04, Reply)
houpla

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 20:41, Reply)
hello fellow internet forum user

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 17:44, Reply)
hello to you in return, wonderful /chattist

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 20:41, Reply)
t’hello

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 5:13, Reply)
Fucking hell, who here warned me about Kwik Fit?
they are a total bunch of 'tards, they really are.

Have you had fair warning of anything recently?
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 13:36, Reply)
protyre are decent in my experience if you need a substitute

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 13:52, Reply)
I use FWR for tyres and servicing on the motorbike
they are fucking mental bikers, I like that.
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 13:58, Reply)
b3ta

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 14:00, Reply)
Is that an answer to the first question, the second question, or both?

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 14:02, Reply)
BOTH

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 14:34, Reply)

 
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 14:13, Reply)
It was I, brb, who warned you not to take your car to be ruined by Kwik Fit.
They simply do not employ competent mechanics and have a total dishonesty policy.
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 14:20, Reply)
All I needed from then was a piece of paper saying "air con not work"
they even fucked that up the total twats.
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 14:53, Reply)
Not surprising, as they do not employ qualified literate people.
I don't understand how their business model works. Unless the whole operation is a money laundering front, or a Promoters-style insurance fraud, or the plaything of a malevolent billionaire who just hates cars.
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 16:37, Reply)
Yet they get so much business they can't even answer the phones
it's a franchise thing so they must not keep any loss-making branches. I guess they're so big they're just the first place most people think of when they look for tyres or whatnot.

Honest to god though, they are quite astonishingly bad.
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 16:56, Reply)
I've had wildly mixed experiences with them in recent years.
A few weeks back, my other half's car was still under warranty from the garage she bought it from, and the battery was faulty. To cut a very long story slightly shorter, the garage she bought it from advised her to take it to KwikFit because they said they had a replacement and gave a not-too-awful quote for it.

When they got in touch to say we could collect it, they couldn't even diagnose the problem because the battery terminal was loose so they weren't able to charge the battery. And they couldn't fix it, we'd need to take it to an auto electrician. Oh, and could we bring our own jump leads, because they didn't have jump leads that worked. In a fucking "garage". Then when we brought jump leads, I watched the fat sweaty prick failing to attach them twice before I pointed out the metal connection paddles right next to the fucking terminals he was failing to attach them to. He was the manager.

Still, I took my car in there a few years ago because I had an intermittent slow deflation, and they diagnosed that the tyre had been fitted incorrectly by the ('proper', independent) garage that had replaced it, and they fixed it and didn't charge me anything.

So I guess it depends entirely on who you get in any given branch on the day.
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 22:33, Reply)
“I had an intermittent slow deflation” is all you had to say.

(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 5:22, Reply)
I lost the will to live halfway through typing it,
but by that stage I'd passed the point of no return.
(, Thu 6 Aug 2020, 7:28, Reply)
Yes

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 14:46, Reply)
Probably, but I wasn't listening.

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 15:05, Reply)
i was warned not to stand next to the smelly cunt in the supermarket
judging by the faces of the people who were stood close to him, i am glad i listened
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 15:15, Reply)
lol Heron Foods

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 15:47, Reply)
lidl

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 15:51, Reply)
Who warned you? The smelly cunt?
Good way to get plenty of space!
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 15:47, Reply)
my niece
who got a whiff of him when she was getting strawberry milk
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 15:50, Reply)
worked in a jobcenter once
one of the regulars was a girl in early 20s and she honestly stank so much it hit you at ten yards. she never seemed to change her clothes. everyone slunk away from her, it was awful. proper health hazard. i quite fancied her.
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 16:52, Reply)

she's a keeper, hitler
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 17:05, Reply)
i'm surprised you didn't show her to the showers

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 17:28, Reply)
too soon
also i like my women ripe.
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 17:32, Reply)
vg

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 23:09, Reply)
Haha fucking hell

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 23:38, Reply)
dreadful whiffism

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 16:50, Reply)
morning

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 6:34, Reply)
Oi oi

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 6:46, Reply)
oo er

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 7:15, Reply)
Yep.
Absolutely shattered after having to do a day's work yesterday, so am going to laze about today and do some serious daytime drinking. I should be shouting at postboxes by lunchtime.
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 7:20, Reply)
“You’re a postbox!!”

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 21:49, Reply)
morning arse

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 8:05, Reply)
what do you do for a living that necessitates multiple visits to court?
if you don't mind me asking of course
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 9:04, Reply)
no worries, when i was a yoot i used to work as a rent boy in brentford
used to get a load of trade from judges at isleworth crown court
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 9:15, Reply)
well
i did ask i suppose!
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 9:26, Reply)
to this day I can't hear the phrase 'all rise in court' without shuddering a little

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 9:28, Reply)
hahaha!

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 9:31, Reply)
that's more of a lee mack joke

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 11:13, Reply)
no real names pls

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 11:45, Reply)
sorry i forget myself sometimes

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 13:53, Reply)
Say it again

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 11:50, Reply)
Fucking hell I bet your hourly rate was low
Brentford’s a scumhole
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 19:43, Reply)

goedemorgen!
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 8:08, Reply)
morning

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 8:32, Reply)
How's family life half-way through your week of being a normal family?

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 8:35, Reply)
Fantastic ta
So much fun being had
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 8:37, Reply)
You've got perfect weather for it too
warm enough to be able to do pretty much anything you want, but not so hot it's unpleasant. For god's sake, be ready for the weekend though...
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 8:49, Reply)
British Museum for a talk on Romano-British deities this morning
Off to my mums' tomorrow, Avebury Ring, Silbury Hill & West Kennet Longbarrow Friday then back to tine Saturday morn for more lols
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 9:32, Reply)
are you mums witches?

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 9:45, Reply)
I've got my own office now
what do people with their own offices do? can i wank in it?
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 9:45, Reply)
As long as you've got one of those sliding things on your door
Free/Busy (wanking)
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 9:48, Reply)
i mean, yeah, but it gets boring very quickly
to keep it interesting you can mark on the wall how far up you can hit, make little targets around the office, that sorta thing
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 9:50, Reply)
Mark has put a complaint into HR about this

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 10:23, Reply)
well "mark" better mind his own business

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 10:55, Reply)
I think it's your "business" he minds

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 13:35, Reply)
Lock the door first
Otherwise you will have feminists complaining. But if you are a lady you don't have to. Are you?
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 10:53, Reply)
Maybe

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 12:07, Reply)
Morning

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 10:25, Reply)
there's an actual town in america named 'bald knob'

(, Tue 4 Aug 2020, 23:17, Reply)
there is something in your pants you call
, you mean
(, Tue 4 Aug 2020, 23:21, Reply)

Bald Knob
(, Tue 4 Aug 2020, 23:24, Reply)
You know when you're sitting on the bog while cleaning your teeth? Well
Do you prefer the way a fart gently permeates your nostrils, and gradually fills your mouth as you breathe in, or do you prefer to do a massive inhale so you get the full effect over the fresh taste of toothpaste?
(, Tue 4 Aug 2020, 23:31, Reply)
bit personal

(, Tue 4 Aug 2020, 23:32, Reply)
Best of all the original internet singles ads.

(, Tue 4 Aug 2020, 23:42, Reply)
been using it for ages

(, Tue 4 Aug 2020, 23:55, Reply)
Hmm
What with the slippery handle on the electric toothbrush I'd fear dropping it down the pan
(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 9:12, Reply)
See - this is why you're no fun any more.

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 9:29, Reply)
Adulthood has made me mend the follies of my youth

(, Wed 5 Aug 2020, 9:38, Reply)

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