Cigarette and a cuppa used to do it for me,
I'm glad we're having this frank discussion.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Wed 20 May 2009, 8:14, archived)

It took the amount of time to get toast just ready for buttering to make the curry shit scream for release when I lived at my mum's
Subsequently I only ever had cold toast on a Sunday as buttering time was spent on the bog with my anus retching napalm out in dribbles.
(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Wed 20 May 2009, 8:18, archived)