Where did Dave Trouser come from?The Adventures of Spleeg and Dave Trouser
===================================
Spleeg, was a mattress, a happy, happy mattress.
And he said "Voon".
Now, whenever Spleeg says "Voon", Flid, the sizable Pringle, would
bounce merrily along the bannister rails, singing "Kyle's Mum's a
Bitch, in D-Minor".
Spleeg doesn't like this, but he has to say "Voon" every 3.24762834
hours or his springs will explode and kill all the happy bunny rabbits
in the farmers field 2 miles away.
So, one day, Spleeg asked his mate, Dave Trouser, to help come up with
a plan...
Dave thinks long and hard, then asks Spleeg to put it away, so he
doesn't have to think about it. He gives up on the plan and they go
and visit Gorak the Unpleasant.
"Feeccckkkk Oooorrrrfff!" Said Gorak.
Dave is not surprised at this and flaggellates in mirth.....
"Ha ha!", said Flid. "I will annoy you forever!"
Spleeg folded and then lept in the air towards Flid.
"Diiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee!", he yelled.
Flid shat his kecks, and trembled at the might of the mattress.
Spleeg landed square on Flid, and crushed him.
"Ah great." said Dave. "Now we can go and finish our mission to save
the Rubfulps from certain destruction!"
Spleeg agreed, and they flew off to the land of the Kuff Peoples, on
Bjork, the ugly, untalented "singer", who happened to be able to fly
using farts to stay aloft.
GREEN....YELLOW...RED....PURPLE...
...The farts ripped away beneath the vile Icelander as she
supported herself on a roiling column of guff.
"WSTFCK" Yelled Dave, retching at the awful sight. The mattress once
again sprang (pun intended) into action. Straining with the effort,
Spleeg leapt 500ft into the air and accelerated down towards the
hovering, bottomburping singer.
KAPLOP! The noise was heard all over the Bungaloo...and Bjork was no
more......
"Oh, I guess we'll have to use the old method then.", said Dave.
"Yes, we will.", agreed Spleeg.
"Danzigga, danzigga, wahlee!", said Dave, as he poked a sharp stick
into the air.
A large, magical Heffa appeared, and opened the gateway to the magical
portal of time.
"Enter, beings of the Bungaloo!", said the Heffa.
Dave and Spleeg jumped through the gateway and were instantly ripped
into tiny bits, and sent hurtling back to 400,000,000 BC, where they
mixed with some primevil gunge, and formed into a giant space hopper
called Peter.
Peter bounced from planet to planet, making that distinct space
hoppery noise, "b-d'oing b-d'oing" as he went. This went on for quite
some time.
Peter approached a small temporal anomaly that was nearby, and
bounced off to investigate.
Meanwhile Spleeg and Dave were having a whale of time being the space
hopper (For the sake of plot they are still separate beings.....look
it's our story and we can have shite continuity if we want....) They
got bored of bouncing around and left Peter to investigate the
anomaly.
"Come on Dave," said Spleeg, "let's find Mo'BoBo Manda'ning, and he
should be able to help us in our quest."
"Yeah, but we'll have to watch out for the Nurgles.", replied Dave.
"Danzigga, danzigga wahlee!", said Spleeg, as he operated the gnunge.
The large, magical Heffa appeared, and opened the gateway to the
Magical Portal of Time.
"Now, let's get it right this time ok Heffa?", said Dave rudely.
"Sorry about before, but the O-Flange on the rear inversion matrix was
a bit rusty.", explained the Heffa.
"Well, ok." said Spleeg, "let's go Dave!"
And with that, the dynamic duo leaped into the portal, and continued
their mystical journey through time to save the Rubfulps in the land
of the Kuff Peoples.
**********
And there we leave our two heroes, albeit momentarily. Let us, dear
readers pay a visit to Plop, the neighbouring planet to that of
NGGGGGGIP, the home of the Kuff Peoples.
**********
The people of Plop are a violent race. They have evolved into vicious
killing machines, with 13 arms, all with vicious barbed claws. They
would think nothing of ripping innocent people to shreds then
returning back home and having their Grandmas for tea. Unfortunately
the Creator decided to have a laff with these beings and created them
only 1.4 pnarfeefs (2 inches) high (which is good news for every one,
apart from the Grandmas).
They are known to many, as the Knurg, they are laughed at over the
entire Universe and beyond. However, they have formed an alliance with
the Kuff peoples of NGGGGGGIP, and have developed special suits which
make them appear to be 15 pnarloogs (about 72 miles) tall, yet only
1.4 pnarfeefs wide. This has enabled them to build vast Knurg Bridges
between planets, and to NGGGGGGIP in particular. Armed with these
bridges, the Kuff Peoples can easily transfer the Rubfulps from
NGGGGGGIP to Plop (The Rubfulps live underground, and can be mined).
The Kuff Peoples use the Rubfulps for food and clothing. Rubfulps are
large, quasi-intelligent vegetables that are bred to actually enjoy
being eaten or skinned and woven into Blims (The Kuff Peoples
ceremonial robes). They are also telepathic and use a Psychic Ring of
Energy (TM) to protect the planets that they are grown on.
The growth of these Rubfulps is a very complex process as they feed
only on a certain type of luminous moss called Neil. The moss (and the
Rubfulps) needs a steady temperature, good shelter and a plentiful
supply of Ribena in order to grow properly which is a problem for the
Kuff Peoples because they don't have a plentiful supply of Ribena.
So they are planning to use the Knurg to build a bridge to the distant
planet Earth, to obliterate the Humans that live there and use the it
to produce nothing but Ribena, so they can grow the Rubfulps properly.
However, the Rubfulps no longer enjoy being eaten, and have secretly
sent a telepathic message to the Intergalactic Psychic Underpants
(IPU), who happens to be a good friend of Dave Trouser. The IPU
alerted Dave immediately and hence Dave and Spleeg are on their way to
save the Rubfulps from the Kuff Peoples.
**********
Meanwhile, down on the NGGGGGGIP, the high commander of the Kuff
Peoples is addressing the Kuff Peoples...
**********
"People of NGGGGGGIP!", he boomed. "We need the Knurg Bridge to Earth
complete by next Tuesday week, or our crop of Rubfulps will fail!"
Faint mutterings could be heard from the 40,000 Knurg standing at the
back of the crowd.
"The construction will begin NOW, and the invasion must start before
the bridges are complete, so we may destroy the Humans before they
know of our plan. You will all go now!", the commander commanded.
At once, the Kuff Peoples Army took to their battleplibs and headed
off for Earth, a journey that would take them a good few days.
NB: In case you were wondering, NGGGGGGIP is approximately the size of
Earth's Solar System, and is home to close to 2^128 Kuff People. A
formidable foe, if ever there was one.
**********
And now, back to Dave and the Mighty Mattress, Spleeg...
**********
Spleeg and Dave hurtled through the Portal of Time, at an amazing
rate, screaming in terror at the Portal Demons which inhabit it.
"I'll be glad when this is over!", exclaimed Dave.
"Too right mate.", said Spleeg
And at that moment they fell from the other end of the Portal onto the
planet NGGGGGGIP!
"Aha, we're here!", said Dave flapping his legs wildly.
"Right, let's get it on!" Purred Spleeg.
"Pardon" Inquired Dave, raising his belt loops inquisitively (he is
Trousers, remember?)
"Sorry there mate, just a bit of Post Hurtle Horniness"
"How does a mattress get hor.....oh never mind", said Dave.
The two intrepid explorers set out across the planets surface, hoping
that they didn't meet any of the Kuff Peoples.
"HALT, Infidels!" Boomed a voice from behind.
"Shit. A Kuff Peoples Guard" Swore Spleeg.
The two wanderers turned around slowly, not knowing what to
expect......(for the sake of narrative excitement they had not been
informed of this before taking part in the story, so the following
reaction is entirely genuine).
"Arses!" Yelled Dave, and yes he was correct. The Kuff people are
humanoid, but they are completely covered in different types of arses.
The Guard wobbled a fine specimen of a weasels arse at the end of it's
arm at them in a threatening manner.
"How dare you not show the holy cheeks of Kuff on this planet. You will
be sentenced to The Pit of Eternal Falling!", the guard shouted.
Dave turned to Spleeg, then shouted "Run for it!", and started to run
off.
Spleeg, on the other hand, stayed put, staring at the gaurd.
"Spleeg! What are you doing!?!", asked Dave
"muhahahahahah, I am the Mighty Mattress!", explained Spleeg. "Nobody
can defeat me, I am Almighty!". So Spleeg crushed the guard like he
was Flid, the Sizable Pringle.
"Wow", gasped Dave, "You really are Almighty!"
Suddenly the ground trembled violently, and what looked like a warship
from the planet Altair descended to the planet's surface.
When the dust cleared they saw a tall figure emerge from the craft.
"I am Altran the Almighty! Ruler of Altair!", he roared.
"O'rite mate!", said Dave.
"Dave! What are you doing here? I heard someone say "Almighty", so I
dropped in.", explained Altran.
"We're here to save the Rubfulps from the evil Kuff Peoples. Can you
help us?", asked Dave.
"Of course I can, I am Altran the Almighty.", replied Altran.
Altran pointed his Alt-Stick up to the sky, where the Knurg Bridge to
Earth could be clearly seen, along with a large fleet of Kuff
Battleplibs. "Fntyaaaaar!", he shouted.
And in a second, the entire fleet was gone, and the Knurg fell heavily
back to the ground, killing all but a few.
"See, it's easy. Let's go get the commander!", said Altran
On board the Altairian Warship, Dave and Spleeg have time to rest, and
prepare for the encounter with the Kuff Commander.
*********
Meanwhile, on a totally irrelevant planet called Pnuggetar, completely
unconnected with this story...
*********
TO BE CONTINUED...
PART II A. Rev 12.
The continuing Adventures of Spleeg and Dave Trouser.
Pnuggetar.
Dave is buttoning his flies.
"...and then I lifted the rock and discovered nuclear fission"
"What the grunkle are you talking about, Dave?", asked Spleeg.
"Monkey Chutney" Murmured Dave, in a large, yet unmistakeably small.
*For the information of confused readers, Pnuggetar is in a parallel
universe, and as such, any happenings or events here have no effect
or even remotely sensible connection with the rest of the story*
"Yeah, rancid turkey buttons always do that to me. Try levelling off
the cheesecake while being carefully smallish-medium tilt largely
under moonshine and haddock flinch.", suggested Spleeg.
Dammit Spleeg! I told you to lay off the Mr Sheen. It does weird
things too you and I don't like it", raged Dave.
"Mang!" Yelled Spleeg defiantly, in the manner of his favourite
'Scientist of Science'.
"Leave PJ out of this, he's too weird and ginger for this story", said
Bobbet Lighting Circuit, who had mysteriously entered the storyline in
the last chapter, but went completly undiscovered until now.
"If you spin your noodles in a vast washing machine, they will fall
through the holes into the quantum soup, thus ending the paradox of
noodles in a washing machine.", continued Bobbet vaguely.
*Note to reader: The Noodles in a Washing Machine Paradox is
non-existant until BEFORE it was NOT discovered, AFTER the end of the
Bungaloo.*
*******************
Editors note:
The temporary fault in [REDACTED] brain has now been fixed, by giving him
an almighty smack upside the head. Normal storytelling will now be
resumed.
We had left Dave and Spleeg on board the Altairian warship, preparing
to meet the Kuff commander.
*******************
"You may like to remember that, although humanoid the Kuff people are
completely covered in different types of arses", reminded Dave
"Cheers", said the readers, most of whom had given up long ago.
"To the quadra-tele-sprout-O-matic-transportation suite", cried
Spleeg, Hworanging off down the corridor.
"Ah! Here we are.", said Dave. "In the Kuff Palace"
"Ooh look! A rare Scrantarian Eckle Munki arse. How errrr, hairy",
commented Spleeg.
The Kuff Gaurd turned around, to be met by a powerful blow to the
right cheek of his Actubarrian Arse, from Dave's left belt loop.
The Guard falls to the ground, utterly paralysed by Dave's attack.
Altran tele-sprouts into the Kuff Palace to join our heros.
"Right, although I could just destroy this place with a single
thought, let's wander in and see what's around that corner.", boomed
Altran The Almighty.
They wandered round the corner.....
....and some more....
(It's a big corner)
At the end of it is..........
a corner that goes the other way, but it is only short this time.
Round the corner is a set of doors. There are 37 doors, above which is
written "Only ONE door may be opened and passed through. Any more, and
death will be swift."
"Hmm", hmm'd Spleeg. "Which door do we chose?"
"That's easy!", said Dave. "Altran can use his immensely powerful
computer and work out the statistically safest door to go through."
*Whirrrrr*
"Lo!", boomed Altran "My ZX Spectrum 48k has finished!"
"Which door do we use then", asked Spleeg.
"Camel"
"What?"
"Camel. That is what the ZX Spectrum 48k says we should take..."
"Whooo-oo, thanks!", said Dave sarcastically. "What a useless pile
of potato that was."
"aha! We must go through door number "7", I
just checked with my X-Ray vision!", said Altran.
Spleeg, who is pretty immune to pain, death, and other nasties, opens
the door marked "7".
Our heroes enter the room behind the door and inside they find...
...a giant mantrap, baited with two pints of lager and a packet of
cheese and onion crisps.
"Wow" Says Dave, "That sure does look tempting", as he leapt toward
the goodies.
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..." Yelled Spleeg slowly, in the
manner that these things happen in films, "...ooooooooo!"
Spleeg tries to save Dave before the mantrap is set off, but even this
mighty hero is too slow for the devious trap.
"ARGH!", screams Dave, as he is mangled beyond recognition.
"DAVE!", shout Spleeg and Altran as they try to find a way to save
Dave.
But, it is too late. Dave is nothing more than a pile of shredded up
bits of material.
"Oh no! This is a disaster!", said Spleeg.
"Indeed it is.", replied Altran. "What to do..."
(
Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Sat 13 Jun 2009, 0:56,
archived)
haha, bitter.Piss off.
(
Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Sat 13 Jun 2009, 0:57,
archived)
I hop u liek mi storie(
Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Sat 13 Jun 2009, 1:03,
archived)
Thank youThis has saved me to resorting to buying any Stephan King books at trains stations for next 12 months.
(
spaceage, Sat 13 Jun 2009, 0:58,
archived)
That's ok, anytime.You are redeemed.
(
Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Sat 13 Jun 2009, 0:59,
archived)
Be sure to click!(
Dave Trouser ; the people's choice - 75% agree, Sat 13 Jun 2009, 1:08,
archived)
this is the worst random monkey cheese wall of text i've ever fucking seen(
ArthurTheRat, Sun 14 Jun 2009, 2:14,
archived)