b3ta.com user plankton
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Profile for plankton:
Profile Info:


Recent front page messages:

Oh gorn then, I'll add the necessary

(Sun 24th Sep 2023, 18:19, More)

Remember to sort your pets on bin day

(Fri 22nd Sep 2023, 18:00, More)

Yes, it's a pearoast

(Fri 15th Sep 2023, 22:29, More)

(Mon 4th Sep 2023, 16:48, More)

(Mon 28th Aug 2023, 15:15, More)

A late entry...
Click for bigger (324 kb)
(Mon 14th Aug 2023, 22:06, More)

Moggy The Robot

(Mon 31st Jul 2023, 17:06, More)

(Thu 15th Jun 2023, 13:21, More)

Nothing to see here, move along

(Thu 8th Jun 2023, 15:56, More)

Some days you just can't get rid of a globe

(Thu 8th Jun 2023, 11:07, More)

(Mon 5th Jun 2023, 16:45, More)

(Thu 1st Jun 2023, 10:40, More)

(Sat 22nd Apr 2023, 15:25, More)

(Tue 8th Nov 2022, 16:07, More)

Oh Phil 'n' Holly

Now with added Holly, as requested...
(Sat 24th Sep 2022, 18:09, More)

Gifts to befit the new King

(Sat 10th Sep 2022, 18:59, More)

Elon wants to have a look at my firehose! Cheeky devil!

(Fri 26th Aug 2022, 16:37, More)

(Tue 2nd Aug 2022, 12:08, More)

I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.

(Sun 22nd May 2022, 8:31, More)

(Tue 22nd Mar 2022, 16:50, More)

(Sun 6th Feb 2022, 22:40, More)

Woah Ted, it's Bishop Brennon

(Wed 27th Oct 2021, 18:43, More)

Yuk, yuk, yuk...

(Mon 18th Oct 2021, 18:17, More)

(Thu 30th Sep 2021, 16:09, More)

(Thu 16th Sep 2021, 12:46, More)

(Sun 27th Jun 2021, 10:45, More)

Guitar Solo

I forgot his amp first time
(Tue 4th May 2021, 16:45, More)

You must not leave the room during lesson time

(Sun 18th Apr 2021, 17:12, More)

Prince Harry stars in this one

(Fri 19th Mar 2021, 19:24, More)

(Sat 27th Feb 2021, 18:48, More)

Biddi biddi biddi

(Sat 27th Feb 2021, 13:47, More)

I'm so depressed.

(Sat 27th Feb 2021, 9:08, More)

I'm sure there's another word for it

(Tue 23rd Feb 2021, 15:04, More)

(Wed 23rd Dec 2020, 11:43, More)

Oh, the horror!

(Sun 25th Oct 2020, 17:57, More)

(Mon 7th Sep 2020, 10:49, More)


(Wed 2nd Sep 2020, 17:03, More)

Order Order!!!

(It's another repost from me!)
(Wed 5th Aug 2020, 10:09, More)

(Wed 29th Jul 2020, 13:54, More)

Cheesy Joke.

(Fri 24th Jul 2020, 16:34, More)

What a helmet

(Thu 23rd Jul 2020, 16:12, More)

I bet Lennon was a right cheat at musical chairs

(Tue 26th May 2020, 14:50, More)

(Tue 17th Mar 2020, 10:40, More)

(Tue 3rd Mar 2020, 22:48, More)

At all good magazine stores

(Sun 23rd Feb 2020, 22:32, More)

(Thu 23rd Jan 2020, 21:56, More)

I will undoubtedly regret this.

(Sat 23rd Nov 2019, 18:38, More)

Burnt Reynolds

(Sun 17th Nov 2019, 11:19, More)

(Sun 3rd Nov 2019, 22:10, More)

Art thou free, Master Humphries?

(Sun 3rd Nov 2019, 17:01, More)

(Mon 28th Oct 2019, 19:09, More)


(Sun 20th Oct 2019, 12:40, More)


(Mon 29th Jul 2019, 13:37, More)

It's an old joke, but worth repeating

(Sat 20th Jul 2019, 19:42, More)

(Sat 20th Jul 2019, 7:22, More)

(Sat 20th Jul 2019, 7:01, More)

V2 now available

(Tue 9th Jul 2019, 21:06, More)

Oooh scrum master! (edited for extra gag)

(Sat 6th Jul 2019, 8:17, More)

(Fri 5th Jul 2019, 20:17, More)

(Sun 2nd Jun 2019, 16:24, More)

(now with Roobarb Vision)

(Thu 2nd May 2019, 8:51, More)

(Mon 22nd Apr 2019, 11:17, More)

(Sun 21st Apr 2019, 9:52, More)

Unknown Kitties

(Sat 13th Apr 2019, 17:53, More)

Bad kitty

(Sat 8th Dec 2018, 13:52, More)

The hills are alive with...

(Sun 14th Oct 2018, 18:40, More)

I couldn't help myself

(Mon 12th Dec 2005, 11:47, More)

After Buck Rogers came off the air
Tweakie found his real home in the B&Q stocktaking department

(Thank-you magic donkey for the FP)
(Mon 19th Jan 2004, 14:03, More)

Relations between Tony Blair and the Media has reached an all time low...

(Thu 27th Mar 2003, 9:58, More)


GC link removed...
(Tue 18th Mar 2003, 16:41, More)


(Thu 16th Jan 2003, 9:53, More)


(Thu 9th Jan 2003, 9:48, More)

I've always wondered about the stains on the train set...

(Mon 16th Dec 2002, 9:27, More)

I knew I shouldn't have registered him with a posh Kennel Club Name....

(Mon 16th Dec 2002, 8:59, More)

one for the laydeez

(Fri 13th Dec 2002, 10:15, More)


(Thu 5th Dec 2002, 16:22, More)

You can't get Kwiker than a..

(Wed 27th Nov 2002, 12:36, More)

I'm so, so sorry
Captain Bligh! There's a manatee with a bounty!

Manatee you say Mr Christian? Not on my ship etc.

Yo Ho Ho and a Barrymore up yer bum.

Captain Mouthwash.
(Thu 19th Sep 2002, 15:58, More)


(Fri 28th Jun 2002, 12:50, More)

My neighbour's kids
Just got a new Slot-Carp racing set.

(Fri 28th Jun 2002, 11:09, More)

J R Ewing Helps Out Down the Donkey Sanctuary

(Tue 25th Jun 2002, 13:13, More)

Right Said Fred polish their heads one more time...

(Tue 25th Jun 2002, 10:25, More)


(Thu 13th Jun 2002, 15:11, More)

Scientific News

(Thu 13th Jun 2002, 9:30, More)

Early Experiments with Particle Physics
led to the discovery of new elements such as Gerbilium.

(Thu 30th May 2002, 11:08, More)

Teenage Animal Gangs
The BBC reports gangs of teenage squirrels
congregating on Brighton for the annual "Mod" rally.
Reports also indicate that gangs of
Badger Rockers may also be heading for Brighton
for a "rumble".

(Wed 29th May 2002, 8:37, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Celebrities part II

Mispronounced names
Many years ago I was with some mates and we were bored, so since one of our Dads was the head greenkeeper at a golfee course that were holding a pro-am compo, we decided to go along and waste time there, hoping to spot a few childhood idols.

They were all there, Tarby, Brucie, Carson, so we decided on a dare game.

We would act the enthusiastic fan and ask for autographs, but with one rule - when asking for the autograph, you had to slightly mispronounce or mispell the name of the celeb.

My turn, and it is the mighty Reg Varney.

"Hello Mr Varnish, can I have your autograph?"

"It's Varney, what shall I write"

"'Best Wishes, Reg Varnish' would be great Mr Varnish"

"It's Varney. Now can I get on with my game."

We got brushed off by Frank Carton and Jimmy Tarbrush. Bastards.
(Thu 8th Oct 2009, 14:34, More)

» Urban Legends

I once sent out a message on a bulletin board
saying "it's a well-known fact that you can't touch the back of your left knee with your right elbow. Try it, you'll find it impossible!"

It's a wonderful thought imagining tens of people falling about on the floor all at once to prove me wrong and then posting "That's not true - I can do it".
(Thu 5th Jan 2006, 21:52, More)

» The EU

I work in France and live in the UK and really, really wanted remain
But they lost and and it will make very little difference, despite all the whining about the sky falling in. Laws haven't changed, passports still work and contracts are still valid. My guesses for what happens next:

1) Nothing. We never invoke article 50
2) The same as before. We invoke article 50 and agree to the exact same terms
3) We get an extra spesh "associate member status" which is basically the same as we always had

What matters now is stability and that will come in the next few weeks as everyone calms the fuck down. There won't be second referendums or MPs voting against the people because that will cause a constitutional crisis. You don't get to re-run elections just because your party didn't win, so why think you've got the right to overule 17 million people just because you think you are smarter. No-one on the Remain team claimed it was invalid last week when they thought they would win. Grow up, democracy is a bitch sometimes, they all lied and we knew it when we voted. I don't have the MP I voted for either. Leave don't have a plan because they aren't the government, they just campaigned to leave the EU, not what should happen next. We need to wait and see what the government plan next, not Boris (unless he become PM)

As for people making comments about not letting old people vote because they won't be the ones suffering and don't have long to live - why stop there, why not ban the terminally ill too? If you had wanted remain to win, perhaps the 64% of you youngsters who didn't vote should have bothered eh? Just because the pound has dropped doesn't mean it won't come back. If house prices drop, great news. Try thinking of ways to benefit, not lose out. This kind of disruption happens in tech all the time and is considered good, so why complain when it happens now? It creates opportunities if you look for them.

Rant over.
(Mon 27th Jun 2016, 15:29, More)

» B3TA fixes the world

My jezza moment
* University only for the top 20%, the rest can do apprenticeships, agriculture or get a job, any job. Free for the top 10%, double price for everyone else. Triple for the Scottish for not letting us go to their universities for free.

* Welfare and Benefits only allowed after 5 years residency and then only if you have contributed at least 5 years basic rate tax or are medically unfit to do a desk job, tested every six months. If you don't qualify, then you have to work for it. Every year a first name is selected and then anyone with that name doesn't get any money all year. Randomness keeps people on their toes.

* Being a fatty is not a disability or your "bones", there are no obese people in countries where food is scarce.

* Removal of all safety features on cars, replaced with internal spikes and razor blades. That'll slow everyone down and made them more careful.

* All MPs to have to have been in a real job for at least ten years before being allowed to do it. No expenses, but a good salary that is performance-linked, decided by electorate. Real jobs does not include working in politics or unions. Local constituents able to call re-elections every year if a majority feel MP is under performing. Failed MPs to be made to work in PR for Greggs the Baker for the rest of their working life.

* Anyone called Tarquin to be put in a barrel of pickled herrings.

* If you are on benefits or welfare you are not allowed to vote for the incumbent Government. That'll stop political parties buying votes through state handouts and get them focused on getting people working again.

* Every year a tenth of the population pay no tax. Save it up and do something special. Like buy a lifetime of baked beans.

* No one in any walk of public life to earn more than the Prime Minister. They run the country, how could your job be worth more?

* No more taxes. 40% is more than enough if governments would stop wasting it.
(Fri 23rd Sep 2011, 11:10, More)

» Job Interviews

Book keeper
Years ago I had the misfortune to work in Milton Keynes. Actually it wasn't that bad, but why refute the myth?

Anyway, I was writing software for robotics and underwater vehicles and natty stuff like that and we needed a new book keeper for accounts. So, like good citizens, we put an ad in the paper.

First contestant came along. All his life's belongings in a Tesco bag and a top CV. "I think I could do your book keeping because I have a collection of books at home and I keep them all tidy and in alphabetical order". "Spot the Dog" seemed to appear rather more than would be expected for a library belonging to a 30 year old man with above the ankle trousers. Actually, combined with the Simpsons socks it was a definite fashion statement that I may adopt at some stage.

Obviously we got the PA to tell him to go away as the rest of us were hiding in the office in case he was one of the care in the community homicidal maniacs we read about in the Daily Mail. Eventually we hired a mad woman who eventually became one of my closest friends due to her ability to turn a blind eye to my exhorbitant phone bills and bar bills.
(Wed 26th Jan 2005, 21:14, More)
[read all their answers]