b3ta.com user plankton
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Recent front page messages:

(Tue 8th Nov 2022, 16:07, More)

Oh Phil 'n' Holly

Now with added Holly, as requested...
(Sat 24th Sep 2022, 18:09, More)

Gifts to befit the new King

(Sat 10th Sep 2022, 18:59, More)

Elon wants to have a look at my firehose! Cheeky devil!

(Fri 26th Aug 2022, 16:37, More)

(Tue 2nd Aug 2022, 12:08, More)

I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed.

(Sun 22nd May 2022, 8:31, More)

(Tue 22nd Mar 2022, 16:50, More)

(Sun 6th Feb 2022, 22:40, More)

Woah Ted, it's Bishop Brennon

(Wed 27th Oct 2021, 18:43, More)

Yuk, yuk, yuk...

(Mon 18th Oct 2021, 18:17, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Celebrities part II

Mispronounced names
Many years ago I was with some mates and we were bored, so since one of our Dads was the head greenkeeper at a golfee course that were holding a pro-am compo, we decided to go along and waste time there, hoping to spot a few childhood idols.

They were all there, Tarby, Brucie, Carson, so we decided on a dare game.

We would act the enthusiastic fan and ask for autographs, but with one rule - when asking for the autograph, you had to slightly mispronounce or mispell the name of the celeb.

My turn, and it is the mighty Reg Varney.

"Hello Mr Varnish, can I have your autograph?"

"It's Varney, what shall I write"

"'Best Wishes, Reg Varnish' would be great Mr Varnish"

"It's Varney. Now can I get on with my game."

We got brushed off by Frank Carton and Jimmy Tarbrush. Bastards.
(Thu 8th Oct 2009, 14:34, More)

» Urban Legends

I once sent out a message on a bulletin board
saying "it's a well-known fact that you can't touch the back of your left knee with your right elbow. Try it, you'll find it impossible!"

It's a wonderful thought imagining tens of people falling about on the floor all at once to prove me wrong and then posting "That's not true - I can do it".
(Thu 5th Jan 2006, 21:52, More)

» The EU

I work in France and live in the UK and really, really wanted remain
But they lost and and it will make very little difference, despite all the whining about the sky falling in. Laws haven't changed, passports still work and contracts are still valid. My guesses for what happens next:

1) Nothing. We never invoke article 50
2) The same as before. We invoke article 50 and agree to the exact same terms
3) We get an extra spesh "associate member status" which is basically the same as we always had

What matters now is stability and that will come in the next few weeks as everyone calms the fuck down. There won't be second referendums or MPs voting against the people because that will cause a constitutional crisis. You don't get to re-run elections just because your party didn't win, so why think you've got the right to overule 17 million people just because you think you are smarter. No-one on the Remain team claimed it was invalid last week when they thought they would win. Grow up, democracy is a bitch sometimes, they all lied and we knew it when we voted. I don't have the MP I voted for either. Leave don't have a plan because they aren't the government, they just campaigned to leave the EU, not what should happen next. We need to wait and see what the government plan next, not Boris (unless he become PM)

As for people making comments about not letting old people vote because they won't be the ones suffering and don't have long to live - why stop there, why not ban the terminally ill too? If you had wanted remain to win, perhaps the 64% of you youngsters who didn't vote should have bothered eh? Just because the pound has dropped doesn't mean it won't come back. If house prices drop, great news. Try thinking of ways to benefit, not lose out. This kind of disruption happens in tech all the time and is considered good, so why complain when it happens now? It creates opportunities if you look for them.

Rant over.
(Mon 27th Jun 2016, 15:29, More)

» B3TA fixes the world

My jezza moment
* University only for the top 20%, the rest can do apprenticeships, agriculture or get a job, any job. Free for the top 10%, double price for everyone else. Triple for the Scottish for not letting us go to their universities for free.

* Welfare and Benefits only allowed after 5 years residency and then only if you have contributed at least 5 years basic rate tax or are medically unfit to do a desk job, tested every six months. If you don't qualify, then you have to work for it. Every year a first name is selected and then anyone with that name doesn't get any money all year. Randomness keeps people on their toes.

* Being a fatty is not a disability or your "bones", there are no obese people in countries where food is scarce.

* Removal of all safety features on cars, replaced with internal spikes and razor blades. That'll slow everyone down and made them more careful.

* All MPs to have to have been in a real job for at least ten years before being allowed to do it. No expenses, but a good salary that is performance-linked, decided by electorate. Real jobs does not include working in politics or unions. Local constituents able to call re-elections every year if a majority feel MP is under performing. Failed MPs to be made to work in PR for Greggs the Baker for the rest of their working life.

* Anyone called Tarquin to be put in a barrel of pickled herrings.

* If you are on benefits or welfare you are not allowed to vote for the incumbent Government. That'll stop political parties buying votes through state handouts and get them focused on getting people working again.

* Every year a tenth of the population pay no tax. Save it up and do something special. Like buy a lifetime of baked beans.

* No one in any walk of public life to earn more than the Prime Minister. They run the country, how could your job be worth more?

* No more taxes. 40% is more than enough if governments would stop wasting it.
(Fri 23rd Sep 2011, 11:10, More)

» Job Interviews

Book keeper
Years ago I had the misfortune to work in Milton Keynes. Actually it wasn't that bad, but why refute the myth?

Anyway, I was writing software for robotics and underwater vehicles and natty stuff like that and we needed a new book keeper for accounts. So, like good citizens, we put an ad in the paper.

First contestant came along. All his life's belongings in a Tesco bag and a top CV. "I think I could do your book keeping because I have a collection of books at home and I keep them all tidy and in alphabetical order". "Spot the Dog" seemed to appear rather more than would be expected for a library belonging to a 30 year old man with above the ankle trousers. Actually, combined with the Simpsons socks it was a definite fashion statement that I may adopt at some stage.

Obviously we got the PA to tell him to go away as the rest of us were hiding in the office in case he was one of the care in the community homicidal maniacs we read about in the Daily Mail. Eventually we hired a mad woman who eventually became one of my closest friends due to her ability to turn a blind eye to my exhorbitant phone bills and bar bills.
(Wed 26th Jan 2005, 21:14, More)
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