What annoys me most about the ex
is that she's steal breathing.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Fri 5 Aug 2011, 17:50, 5 replies)

My ex...
Was a cunt when she was drunk.

She wouldn't try houmous or sushi either.
(Dr Fishfinger Want's to see a fat man give a tit wank, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 17:17, 1 reply)

A more specific one about the ex
So my mates from university were planning a bit of a lads' holiday to Riga. Foolishly, I asked the then-gf if I could go. I don't know if it was because it was her time of the month or if she was just feeling especially bitch-mental that day, but she started fucking crying and throwing accusations at me like "You just want to go and fuck strippers, don't you?" After an hour or two of this I gave in and told her that I'd respect her wishes, I wouldn't go to Riga, and called the boys to let them know that I'd have to give it a miss.

Less than a month later, she breezily announces to me: "I'm off to Riga in August for a couple of weeks with the girls."

I don't know what made me angrier, the fact that I gave in to her pathetic emotional blackmail or the fact that she refused to even acknowledge the double standard.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 17:12, 4 replies)

But... but...
One fine day, I gradually became aware of an "atmosphere" between the GF and me. She was one of those annoying types who believe that "You should know what's wrong", which is fucking irritating unless you happen to be psychic.

Well, I couldn't remember having made lecherous comments about her sister, wiping my nose on her antique lace bedspread, or staggering in drunk then attempting to do her up the wrong 'un before falling asleep in a fug of noxious Guinness farts, or anything else for that matter, so I attempted to ignore it.

But after a second day of frosty looks and folded arms, I eventually cracked and insisted she told me what was wrong.

Apparently I'd been unfaithful to her.

In her dream.

I can't even begin to analyse the fucked-up mind-state that would lead her to conclude that a) I should know about this, and b) should apologise to her for it. But that was where she was.

It didn't last much longer.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 16:58, 11 replies)

Creme de la chocolat!
My recent ex, was, seemingly deeply in love with me, saw a future with us together, all that stuff, until one day, without any warning, he decided that he didn't see a future together for us and quite casually dumped me. Not that I'd done anything wrong. So here's my revenge, the thing that really annoyed me...

Basically my ex really liked anal, but was never particularly 'clean' down there, which was never particularly pleasant. So one time he went into the bathroom for about half an hour to wash himself. Little did I know that he'd also tried and failed to douche himself properly. So we started out with him sat on top of me, it felt quite uncomfortable for him, so he pulled out... and shat smelly, lumpy, shitty water all over me. Why I didn't dump him then and there, I don't know.
(chunkymuscles, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 16:58, 21 replies)

Ahhh, the ex
Where to start?

She loved me the way I am. Well, except the hair. And the eyebrow piercing. And the beard. And the teeth. And the fact I wear t shirts and jumpers. And my trousers (apparently the reason I don't wear jeans is because I'm closed minded, not because I find them uncomfortable). And my shoes. Yup, she loved me exactly how I was.

She argued that, as she couldn't shag random blokes she met on AOl, due to being in a relationship with me, it was only fair that I sacrifice something as well and quit smoking. She would later try to convince me that I wanted an open relationship because that's what she wanted.

She blatently tried to blackmail me into applying for a job at the call centre I used to work at, despite her knowing how much I hated the place, using a very badly thought out plan.

She thought that when I said I was going out for a couple of drinks that I meant literally two drinks and promptly got upset when it was more than that.

Anything she did to upset me couldn't be mentioned ever again. Naturally, anything I did to upset her was fair game in arguments. Any habits she had that I didn't like I just had to put up with, any I had that she didn't like had to be changed immediately.

We fought over my dress sense (see sbove), my belief that as I owned 2 suits I didn't need a seperate pair of dress trousers (my srgument being if I was in a situation where I'd need them I probably actually needed a suit), laundry detergent and, best of all, a full on half hour argument about a group I joined on facebook.

Any time I had a profile picture anywhere that wasn't the two of us together, except before we met for the first time, was proof that I didn't love her.

Then we split up.

I couldn't log into MSN because she'd keep plaguing me to talk to her. She'd try phoning me a couple of times, then try again a few hours later. As she lives in Arizona and I'm in Middlesbrough, this meant she'd phone about midnight - 1am and then again at between 2 - 4am. Apparently she forgot about that time difference.

She also planned to come over and see me not long after we split up. The trip went ahead as planned, because she couldn't get a refund and she has other friends here. We were also planning to go to Aberdeen and spend a few days at my mums. That part also went ahead with the only thing strange about her staying with her ex's parents being that I wasn't there. Apparently.

Thankfully she's now got the hint and doesn't try to get in touch with me.
(williamthebloody, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 16:38, 3 replies)

My ex was a violent sociopath
...who would savagely twist my nipples or yank the hairs on my balls, without warning or reason. She also enjoyed insulting/offending/scaring people in public places, swore like a navvy, belched and farted like a cross-channel ferry's foghorn, and thought Schindler's List was a hilarious comedy.

The most annoying thing? I really miss her...

[Edit]
She was a nurse - I used to refer to her as "Nurseferatu".
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 16:22, 4 replies)

The ex
She was broke, seriously broke, always in debt, struggled to make ends meet. Obviously she felt the best thing she could do was spend £100, 1/8 her monthly income on a medium. I tried to talk her out of it, explaining that it would be a waste.

She got upset, said I was being narrow minded. This was partially true, I don't believe in mediums and generally question what I'm told. "Look," I said, "let's say he is real, can talk ghosts and tell the future. He will either tell you stuff you already know, which is a waste of money, or he is charging you money for information that could save your life, making him immoral and detestable."

She told me we could never talk about spiritual stuff again, as I was insesitive and narrow minded.
(Mong goose, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 16:11, Reply)

Annoying workmate
I find it appropriate that if you look up his surname in the Urban Dictionary, there is only 1 definition, which is perfect:

"Bell-end"
(ricky_darkholer is blonde on the inside, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 16:09, Reply)

When people ask her what I do to irritate her...
...she says "Nothing". She tells people how blissfully happy we are, how we never argue, how even though we've been together for ten years there are no annoyances and that we feel sorry for other couples who aren't as amazingly blissfully happy as we are.

Irritates the fuck out of me.
(bomb, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 16:08, 1 reply)

My wife reads this, it'll be curtains.
Whenever my wife closes the curtains in the bedroom, she only ever *nearly* closes them. I quietly climb into bed a little later, then notice that a vertical shard of light from the streetlight outside falls across my face, so I have to get up again and close the curtains properly.

In the morning, she sort of semi-opens the curtains. They're about 85% open.

Then she goes into the bathroom and, if she wants the bathroom blind lowered, she'll lower it to within about six inches from the bottom of the window. If she remembers to open the blind, she always leaves about six inches unfurled.

She also loads the dishwasher from the front, which is even more maddening.
(bravenewmalden, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 16:03, 4 replies)

Ive got plenty o' stories for this entry, but ill pic only a few highlights.
The wife hates it when I call her 'Wife' or 'Wifey' .. drives her into a rage

She snores like a train going by at night

She seems to - with what can only be described as an iron sphincter - save up her farts all day long, only to let them all come flying out in the middle of the night while she is asleep. So Im kept awake by the snoring and then gassed every night without fail.

Oh and dont tell your wife she 'wobbles' when she walks. It doesnt go down too well

Ive had my fair share of annoying (and sometimes downright crazy) ex's too. While some of these may be slightly OT, I figured what the hell, ill chuck them in.

Theres the ex that used to do copious amounts of amphetamine who one day, in some form of drug induced paranoia, decided that I was having an affair with a woman I had never even met or knew. This resulted in ex holding me hostage in her flat waving a kitchen knife at my throat every time I tried to leave. That partnership was over, once the police had liberated me from the hostage situation.

There was the ex who had the smelliest fanny ever. I love going down on a lady, but tried it once with her and just couldn't stop gagging. Never tried again. Her odor would seemingly change from day to day. I tried dropping subtle hints, no result. I tried dropping un-subtle hints like buying her a douche and recommending a visit to the gynecologist - still no result. When it got to the day where the odor was akin to week old tuna meets "Ive just pummeled my vag with a bunch of month old spring onions" the limits of my ability to put up with almost any odd quirk were met and I called time on that one.

There was the ex who really loved receiving anal play. I mean 'screaming down the house' *LOVED* it. But who then spent a week mentally beating herself up and being depressed for being so "unclean" - while squarely blaming me for her feelings (until the next time she fancied giving it a go). Batshit. I actually got her into counseling and shes a lot happier with her sexuality now.

Oh and for comedy value, theres the ex who gave me my first blowjob as a teenager. She assured me she loved swallowing, so I did the responsible thing and blew my load. I dont think she expected the volume I seem to produce and, mid swallow, she choked. Cue much coughing and spluttering which had the wonderful side effect of making spunk come rushing up her throat, flying out of her nose and decorating her face. Through her jumping around, shouting and rushing to the bathroom, I got the picture that spunk burns like fuck if you get it in the nose ;)

It was, of course, all my fault and she dumped me
(shamen Geekius Maximus, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 15:39, 3 replies)

Leading on from A Vagabond
My boyfriend is not above miming twisting my nipples, making 'static' noises and saying 'London, come in London. Do you read? Mayday!'

I scowl but secretly think it's the height of comedy
(Gherkinlasagna is probably doing something stupid on, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 15:36, 2 replies)

By complaining that I don't clean up and
go on the internet. And when I get up to clean she takes the laptop.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Fri 5 Aug 2011, 15:26, Reply)

The only thing that used to bother me about my ex...
...was that she'd never clean the bath, so it was always very slippy.

Oh and her Donald Duck jumper too.
(Chopper3, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 15:26, Reply)

My missus often leaves the milk out
and I've noticed after we had our daughter it's been difficult to get anal off the wife
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 15:17, 7 replies)

I wouldn't call her my partner, but
my curent squeeze is a right annoying hussy.

You would think that with the totally over generous allowance I give her, and being seen on the arm of one of the most highly paid city traders in London, she would be grateful enough to keep her whiney gob shut. It's not like she could earn more working, because she really is completely brainless. I can see her now, through the glass, trying to get her phone camera to work - she hasn't got a clue the dense stumpet.

Fantastic body though, and sucks like a dyson, but as soon as she opens her mouth the dopey tart sounds so soppy it drives me up the wall - "oh it's so sad about those starving Africans" - yes if they weren't so bloody lazy they wouldn't be so hungry, although obviously they would never be as successful as someone like me. I have taken to eating on the balcony, with the patio doors shut, so I can perv over her figure as she gets dressed without having to listen to that annoying whine. I can read the paper in peace and also keep one eye on the Porsche while enjoying my fresh croissant and glass of chablis. Did I mention I was really rich?
(Mystery_Machine, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 14:55, 4 replies)

Mrs G quite often has a bad back...
...which she likes me to rub. No problem.

Sometimes she'll even flop forward over the kitchen table and ask me to rub her back then and there. No problem, in fact it's very convenient and good fun too. She'll even wriggle backwards when she detects Little Che joining in the fun from his unique position. But then, all of a sudden, she'll spring up, say 'Thanks' and wander off to do some ironing or something, leaving me and Little Che feeling let down and confused...again.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 14:28, 3 replies)

I do love my other half very deeply.
And frankly, she's been more than I have deserved. But she did still inspire this:

www.b3ta.com/questions/conversationkillers/post1198725
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 14:16, Reply)

Mrs Vagabond claims that
my standing behind her when she's cooking, and jiggling her boobies up and down doesn't count as "helping".
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 14:13, 11 replies)

The glowing wings of death
The sweet adorable lady in my life has the small affliction of having no sense of smell,this has over the years led to some of the worst F*** ups ever, half eaten yoghurt with a green furry bonnet ,black carrots in the chiller box, a turkey left next to a radiator (Its december so yeah its on )to thaw i thought i could smell something like roadkill she was about to put it in the oven,luminous bacon,furry tomatoes .But her best ever was the other week THE GLOWING WING OF DEATH!.having said i could smell something a few days on the trot ,the offending objects were discovered at the back of the fridge 15 to 20 green slimy chicken wings, its a bit like stepping in dog shit you can see it all over the grass you take off your shoe look at it and know with 100% certainty what it is and then YOU HAVE A SNIFF ,CUE RETCHING ,anyhoo i spy the bag i pick it up ,i know i bought them a week ago at least i open it YES I DID i took a sniff F***wit, if you have smelt week old dead chicken then you know that 15 secs later i am in the garden retching and spewing my ring up.I dont know how we have not gone to our maker or got some terrible bug ,i am extra vigilant for a few days and then its seems to mean less and less until the next Botulism discovery.


The dog shit sniff thing its not just me is it?
(wizard of goz, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 14:02, 1 reply)

My girlfriend bought the Daily Mail.
I said to her, "stop this sick filth."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 13:49, 1 reply)

The Summer Holidays
Other half works as a teaching assistant, very noble and all that but no work to take home over the summer and not particularly long working hours for the 3/4 of the year she actually has to work.

The worst bit for me is waking up every morning for 6 weeks with her asleep on the sofa having sat smoking weed watching America's next top X for god knows how long. How I haven't killed her already I will never know.

Suggestions that maybe she should sort out the smoking nuclear crater that is our house are met with a teenage reaction unbecoming of her age.

Still it makes it all the 9-5s worthwhile when I get back and she's STILL FUCKING SAT THERE SMOKING WEED!!!

How cathartic.
(anonymouse sitting in front of a screen since 1989, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 13:49, 7 replies)

No noise whatsoever during sex
and little reaction or indications of wanting anything, then accusing me of not being interested.

Did all my best and got little reaction out of her. I should have sent her flowers the next morning, as I thought she was dead.

So one day in the kitchen I had enough. She was wearing a skirt, which I suddenly hiked up, and I pulled down her panties. I was determined to get some sort of reaction and went on breathing through my ears for about 15 minutes while she sat (properly) in the chair. All I got was one minor gasp that sounded like discomfort. Worn out, I decided that she apparently didn't like oral and I should give up.

When I stopped, she said, "oh my, you're quite good at that."

Then make enough noise to let the neighbors know -- or at least let me know.
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 13:44, 15 replies)

What annoys me about all my ex's...
Is that they are now either:

1. Happily Married
2. Engaged to be Happily Married
3. In a long term - living with partner, soon to be Engaged.

Whereas I am still single.
(Miggyman, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 13:43, 3 replies)

Not suitable for those with diabetes
The problem with my partner is that he's just a bit too perfect for me. If we ever have a disagreement (which is admittedly rare) it's very difficult to stay annoyed at him. All he has to do is just dial up the old Northern Irish accent and all the wind is taken out of me. Its infuriating but if that's the worst I have to deal with then it's a pretty sweet life.

I'll give you the example of what was probably the worst argument we've ever had-

Me- "Stop leaving used tea bags in the sink! It's ickey!"

BF- "Ah sure, is that an offer for you to make the tea then?" *maximum accent*

Me- "Arrgh!"

Argument ends. He commences the 'Ha ha you love me' victory dance.

He also makes up vicious lies about me. Lies like I steal all the covers at night. Not true! I have slept in that bed every night and not once do I recall taking covers. Yes, my sleeping style has been described as that of a demented starfish but that's beside the point. I have also been accused that my special 'Ancient Chinese' massage techniques (complete with Kung Fu-style chops to the neck and back) are not a sacred art taught to me by an even more sacred Guru, but rather a cheap excuse to torment the Hell out of him when I think he's been on the computer too long. All lies I tell you!

Hands down though his most annoying habit right now is living in another city. Work commitments mean we have to be apart for a little while. It sucks but the reunions are regular and I can't wait to be sharing a postcode again. I don't tell him this of course. I just tell him how much I'm enjoying having a clean sink.
(Gherkinlasagna is probably doing something stupid on, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 13:37, 2 replies)

Extreme effort to be untidy.
Sometimes, Miss Dchurch is so untidy, I've taken pictures of say, the kitchen and threatened to post it on Facebook for all to see. I didn't, because the threats or retaliation sounded very real!

She'll peel an onion and leave the onion peelings on the side next to the bin. She'll pretty much do this with anything and everything. Sometimes, instead of binning say an empty can of beans, she'll spend more effort putting the empty can back into the fridge.
If she has a coffee in bed, she'll leave the half-drunk contents about 2 foot under her bed rather than take it downstairs with her when she goes - same goes for food. Many a time I've found a full-on penicillin factory under there when cleaning up, sometimes with things on top of it to disguise the fact that it's there, thus spending more effort hiding the evidence than disposing of it.
The list is endless.
Recently, I cleaned our kitchen top to bottom; really went to town on it. Within 2 days she'd wrecked it again. A pile of teabags on the side, right next to the bin; dirty pots and pans hidden in the bottom of the oven etc...
She also seems allergic to flushing the toilet behind her for some reason, prefering instead to leave the rest of us a lovely 'present' when visit the little room.
On one occassion, we were driving down the road when suddenly a swarm of bluebottles INSIDE the car forced me to pull over and jump out.
It turns out, she'd bought something for breakfast from the local bakery one morning a few months before, got half way through eating it before realising that she no longer wanted it, and quite rightly not wanting to pollute our environment, decided instead of throwing it out of the window (or waiting until she got near a bin) to hide it under the passenger seat instead.
I'm amazed we all haven't all died of some dreadful rotten-food/faeces related disease by now.
(dchurch bah, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 13:34, 5 replies)

Slight Annoyances
It seems a bit wrong of my to berate my girlfriend, after all, we wouldn’t be together if we annoyed each other that much. However, so I can join in with this week’s question, I shall list a few things, that slightly annoy me:

The morning piss: As a male, there is often a great sense of self-satisfaction from that first long, steamy piss to start the day; aiming ones todger into the toilet, holding it as if it's a fire hose and letting the urine gush forth. Ahhhhh. However, my girlfriend can rival me, which I find a bit disturbing. Often, when I'm showering in the morning, she will come into the bathroom, plonk herself on the toilet and let the floodgates open. With her hoof whistling like a steaming kettle, she'll out-power my morning piss, but also trump it in terms of smell - it's similar to stale sugar-puffs. Then she'll give me a knowing smile, flush the chain and walk out, leaving me with a look of disgust on my face and a starchy pong in my nostrils.

Spots: Everyone likes to squeeze spots. Again, there is a nice feeling of achievement from popping a juicy spot. My girlfriend thinks it entirely acceptable to squeeze not just her own spots, but mine as well. Whilst I'm asleep. Using her nails on my skin.

Stubbornness: She once left an open yoghurt on the bedroom windowsill for a day. I asked her when she was going to put it in the bin, and she muttered something about me 'bossing her about'. I had such a strong urge to put it in the bin myself, I can't stand untidiness, but out of principle I thought I'd see how long it would take her to throw it away. A week passed, and the yoghurt began to take on a new life form. Still, I stood my ground, despite now being desperate to bin it. She knew this and played on it. Two weeks later, the yoghurt had began to grow arms and legs, and would whisper 'wanker' at me whenever I walked past it. I would spend all day at work wondering if she'd finally given in, only to come home in the evening and find the yoghurt still there, smoking fags and watching my TV. After 16 days, I finally gave in and binned it.
"I knew I'd win", shouted my delighted missus, as she jumped up and down on the bed.

Climbing-Frame: She seems to think it's acceptable to jump on me with no given warning and for me to be able to take all of her weight (which, to be honest, isn't much, but when caught unexpectedly by someone shouting, "Ready, go!" and then jumping up at you out of the blue, wrapping their arms and legs around you like a crazy frog on ecstasy, is hard to adjust yourself). She'll put my back out one of these days.

Filing: When the postman comes (fnarr fnarr), I like to open my post, keep what I need and bin the rest. Then I neatly file it away if I need to. My girlfriend will not even open the envelope. I recently changed her car insurance for her. Sure enough, the post soon arrived from the insurance company, and I gave her the envelopes. A couple of weeks later, another letter from the insurance company arrived - 3 days later it was still next to the bed, unopened. I told her to open it, and inside was a letter to say her insurance had been cancelled as she had not sent of proof of no claims etc as per their first letter. Which was still unopened!

Washing: She'll try various things on before going out, and instead of putting them away, will fling them straight into the washing basket, even though they are clean. I don't understand the reasoning behind this one.

Despite these things, I love her dearly. We have a beautiful two year old daughter together, and life is good. I'd absolutely hate to see a list of things that annoy her about me - I'm sure it would be huge. Maybe I'll ask her and post in the replies...
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 13:25, 7 replies)

She won't let it go...
When my ex and I broke up, it was a pretty mutual thing. There was no shouting, screaming, or harsh words spoken, we just agreed that we wouldn't work out and that was that, yet in her mind it seems that we only broke up a week ago and it's now a big competition to see who can move on the fastest.

I'll give an example - last September, she got engaged. I got married almost exactly a week later on September 30th. My ex's reaction to this, after seeing the photograms? Actual quote -

"He got married the week after my engagement just to steal my thunder and out-shine me! He's so pathetic and just can't let it go!"

Luckily, the mutual friend that she said this to doesn't take sides. Instead she reminded the ex that

1) You can't request to get married and then get married in less than a week. It takes time, you have to get an appointment with the registrar before hand and THEN get an appointment for the day itself. In fact, you have to wait 2 weeks for people to contest why you shouldn't be allowed to get married in the first place!

2) I have been with my (now) wife for 3 years now and we've been very happy together. My ex and I were on and off for about 8 months before packing it in.

3) My wife was heavily pregnant. It's quite obvious in the pictures that the ex seen, as well. In fact, our son was born (not premature, either) less than 3 weeks after the wedding. Half the reason we got married the way we did was so we would all have the same name.

4) I have had no contact with my ex for over 4 years now, I likely didn't even know she'd gotten engaged. And it's true, I didn't.
(Kushan just wants to fit in..to your mum, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 13:00, 1 reply)

Living with someone far needier than yourself...
His previous relationship had been physically abusive, so I guess it was no surprise that he had trust issues. When he first moved in, he was clingy and obsessive and badgered me constantly for attention. He’s still not comfortable with my friends and we tend to spend the evenings in as he’s not one for partying.

I do love him, but the constant need for reassurance, waking me up in the night to check I’m still there and that everything’s okay can be really wearing. But I know that I’m his entire reason for being and the smile he puts on my face when I see him makes all his annoying habits worthwhile.

That said, I’d prefer it if he didn’t piss in my laptop bag, or use my leg as a scratching post, but that’s cats for you.

What?
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 5 Aug 2011, 12:56, 6 replies)