during oral sex
She always says 'I promise not to stop if I orgasm first'.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 10:12, 5 replies)

She promised...
to always love me and spend the rest of her life with me...

then faked a pregnancy whilst cheating on me with the superintendent of the building we live in, eventually getting pregnant by him and trying to convince everyone it was my baby.

Also, /agreed - this is blatently going to become 'New Years Resolutions' :P
(Brighton RAWK at the tone, the time will be:, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 9:42, Reply)

A promise I know I'll break
I promise not to go "oh for fuck's sake" when this QOTW gets recycled as "what new year resolutions have you broken" next month.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 7:43, 1 reply)

I promised myself
I wouldn't get another shite phone when the contract ended on my Viewty

And then I get an Xperia X10. Fucksocks

Actually that's not strictly true. The Viewty wasn't too bad, just a clunky interface. The 120fps video mode was ace. You've never seen a cumshot until it's in super slow motion.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 7:38, 10 replies)

I promised that we'd stay on good terms, and that I wouldn't tell any lies about him.
Whoops.
(UlrikaJonsson is, perhaps, the single biggest cunt of all time, Mon 6 Dec 2010, 7:04, 1 reply)

Punter, you promised.
Ricky Ponting - you have broken your promise. We are not going to win the Ashes, we are not going to be sending postcards to England from the moral high ground and we are not going to give a patronising, smirky sneer to the Poms, sending them home with nothing but a stump in the rump.

You have bought us shame and now our whole summer is going to be cringe crawling through mass defeat with an after dinner mint of shit.
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Sun 5 Dec 2010, 23:21, 43 replies)

3 years ago
Epic movie is supposed to be epic.
(iLLmatic, Sun 5 Dec 2010, 23:03, 4 replies)

Wham!
In the song 'wake me up before you go go' George Michael sang "i'm not planning on going solo"
Then look what the cunt went and did.
No wonder Andrew Ridgley doesn't talk to him.
(Appleseed Is getting married 24/05/2014. All invited., Sun 5 Dec 2010, 22:30, 5 replies)

I was promised a trip to the park and an ice cream :(

(DefinitelyNOTAmorousBadgerOhNo, Sun 5 Dec 2010, 21:11, 1 reply)

Oh for Fuck's sake...
I promised I'd never post a story a week late in the manner of a cunt.

And here's my story about being a dad.
As of last friday I am one.

You post the bloody question whilst we're actually in the hospital having the wee babby heaved out by three burly midwives using a sink plunger*.

I now have 8 pounds nine ounces of wee pink conehead to deal with.
Woot!

*It was a special medical sink plunger, but I shit you not.
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Sun 5 Dec 2010, 19:37, 15 replies)

When a job is advertised by a recruitment agency, you'd think it actually exists, right?
"Oh no, there's no vacancies - we just advertised that job so we could get more people signed up. They might be taking staff on next month though."
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 5 Dec 2010, 17:38, 10 replies)

icy religious people
i promised, not 20 minutes ago, that i would read the book of mormon that was given to me by the 2 nice mormon gentlemen that picked me up after i fell on my arse on the icy street. i promised to take it seriously and discuss it with them on tuesday, when they call at the house.
the wrong house.
in the wrong street.
i also gave them the wrong name.
i know it's a bit cuntish, but i'm an atheist who was feeling more than a little shaken up after my fall, so i just didn't have it in me to tell them to fuck off.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 5 Dec 2010, 17:36, 6 replies)

Our friend asked us to look after his hash plant for a week while he was away.
It lasted about two hours, because some of us were out.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sun 5 Dec 2010, 15:17, 10 replies)

For my Sixth Christmas
I was promised the batmobile. The one from the Adam West tv series. I had(have) all the figures, even the shit-tastic joker-mobile, but not the ever so awesome, flame shooting, batmobile. Did I get it? Fuck no.

Twenty-three years later, I still hate christmas and my family has the nerve to ask why.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sun 5 Dec 2010, 14:30, 4 replies)

While she's out Xmas shopping
I promised I'd fit the new light fitting in the kids' bedroom. I've got the screwdriver and the step ladder out.


I also said I'd catch up on my physics course assignments.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 5 Dec 2010, 14:22, Reply)

Boss Lie#387
"...And if you ever need to talk, my door is always open."
(Big D, Sun 5 Dec 2010, 11:34, 3 replies)

Ferretty doom
I promised my friend I'd look after her ferret for the week... It was really old and miserable, so I broke it's neck and told her it had died of old age
(teasus likes tea, Sun 5 Dec 2010, 10:31, 13 replies)

'Yes we'll make the position permanent'
"You've been doing the job anyway, it's yours"
"We just have to interview other people as a formality, but the job'll be yours"
"It'll be announced within the week"

"No, us giving it to someone else was nothing to do with your pregnancy"
(Mrs Trellis GIN, Sun 5 Dec 2010, 9:41, 2 replies)

I promise not to make any more puns.
I've repunted.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 5 Dec 2010, 2:56, 2 replies)

They said the G.I. Joe movie wouldn't be shit.
Oh how they lied!
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sun 5 Dec 2010, 1:34, Reply)

"Yes sir, I am completely reformed."
"No sir, I am not a danger to myself or anyone else."
"Yes sir, I do regret my crimes."
"No sir, I will never do it again."
"Yes sir, I am ready to rejoin society."


Suckers.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sun 5 Dec 2010, 1:33, 1 reply)

I promise
to break all my promises.
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Sat 4 Dec 2010, 21:25, 3 replies)

At middle school...
The school decided they needed a new minibus. What better way to raise money than to put that little captive audience of schoolkids to work raising the money? When it was pointed out to the headmistress (possibly by me) that us fourth years would be moving on too a new school the next year and would not see any benefit, she promised that they would make sure to arrange something so that we would get a ride.

Year ended, new year began, minibus was bought.... Crickets, tumbleweeds etc...

To any other Clanfielders out there... *waves*
(Richy_T hundreds if not thousands of dollars, Sat 4 Dec 2010, 19:44, 2 replies)

With the night shivers, I promise myself
tomorrow I will drink less
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Sat 4 Dec 2010, 19:24, 1 reply)

My ex husband
My ex husband, the second one that is, got his British Citizenship because I was daft enough to marry him. He had to swear an oath of loyalty to the Queen and her representatives.
(whiskas loved by 8 out of 10 cats, Sat 4 Dec 2010, 17:06, 2 replies)

*Breaths in through teeth*
I don't have the part with me I'll have to pop out, be back in five minutes.
(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Sat 4 Dec 2010, 16:41, Reply)

Go on…
I promise I'll delete them if we ever break up.
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Sat 4 Dec 2010, 10:18, 10 replies)

"I promise never
to strip naked, cover mayself in goose grease, come over to your house, roll around on your freshly-cut lawn, and claim to be the 'Grass-Bigfoot'"

"I promise never to do it again."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 4 Dec 2010, 1:36, 3 replies)

shart attack
after a rather nice breakfast at wetherspoons, my sister and i made our way back to her car. my sister felt the need to release some gas.
alas! it was not a fart! she had soiled her trousers, a cause of much amusement for me and great embarrassment for her.
as we drove home, her sitting on a plastic bag, she begged me not to tell anyone. of course, i promised to keep quiet.
as soon as we got home, i told EVERYONE, including her husband.
she still cringes when i mention it.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 21:48, 7 replies)