I was the farty kid
In primary school I was the farty kid, doubly shameful as I am a girl. When I was eleven my family moved to a new town and i made the consious decision that this was one reputation that is not going to follow me. Then I could laugh along with the other children when some one else farted, and no longer hang my head in shame.

A flat I lived in a few years ago it was one of our house games to sneak up and fart on each other, or the cat or visitors, but I was rubbish at this game as subtlety isnt one of my strong points.

My boyfriend never ever farts ever. I'm surprised he hasn't exploded.
(spent.fish flipping and gasping, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 21:53, Reply)

Someone's Mum's story has just jogged my memory.
When just dating Mr Brocky, he came back to mine and we started the old "what-not" in the lounge; when we heard the loudest, longest reverberant resounding echo (she was sat on the lav) It was my mother and it was the best early-warning system ever!.

By the time my wild haired, one-eyed (not disable, just half-asleep) mother had descended the stairs, we were poised very suss-like on the coach , arms folded about 3 feet apart. He was asked to go home, bet she would have said more than that if she'd had seen us 30 seconds before.
(brocky, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 21:52, Reply)

Stuck at Traffic Lights
4 friends, myself, 1 small student Fiat Uno.
PLUS
1 gassy ass (my own).
PLUS
Roadworks.
EQUALS
A fart you could possibly see, could not avoid, and could not do anything about due to complete lack of air flowing though said Fiat Uno.

I went through college with the moniker 'mein farter' due to my connection with many things German... and my bum.

*proud*
(chocmonster Failed to come up with a witty signature by, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 21:46, Reply)

Lies!
Upon meeting my current girlfriend for the first few times, and indeed for the first few months of our relationship, I was determined not to spoil things by breaking wind. She still says that the first time I farted in front of her is the most defining moment of our relationship so far.... but it is not me that the current stories revolve around.

So far there have been 2 incidents. Firstly, upon climbing into bed with her one night, I was relaxed and sleepy. Until, that is, I lifted the corner of the duvet and unleashed a stench to rival Satan's burps. I waited for the giggle signifying she was awake, but it was not forthcoming. Apparently, my girlfriend had 'dutch-ovened' me while she was asleep. I was not sure whether to be proud of her or vomit due to the stench.

The other story is not as exciting but would be rated 18. Simply put, she did not fanny fart during a climatic moment but truly arse farted. Really can kill a moment that, not helped by the fact that I nearly wet myself laughing.

No apologies for length I am afraid, the longer the funnier.
(McMosha is clockwatching at, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 21:46, Reply)

Crying wolf
One day a few years ago - and after a night of hearty garlic consumption - I came into work early. The building was deserted so I took the opportunity let a few loose to relieve the mounting pressure. Shortly thereafter, in came the departmental administrator. For some reason he was suddenly seized with the notion that the drains had backed up.

A gentleman was called in to inspect the drains. There was nothing wrong with them.

A few months later, the drain in question actually blocked and started to stink. However, the authorities having ascertained that the smell was nothing to do with the drains, nothing was done about it...
(gnimmel, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 21:40, Reply)

It wasn't me! - he he
Once the lovey-dovey-ness of our relationship had worn off (6 mnths or so max) after begging, yes begging from my then boyf now hubby, I finally farted in front of him, but for practice I waited for him to go to sleep and let rip a thunderous roar. He shot out of bed scared shitless thinking something had exploded. After I had finally stopped crying through laughing, I explained it was me letting one go.

Another time whilst he was asleep (or so I thought) I inched over to him in bed in the spoon position sat on his knee and sneaked one out giggling to hear a grumpy bastrd moan "I'm bloody awake Thank you!" which made me laugh even more.

his is not a public thing - I will hold em everywhere else though, miss lady who doth not fart!!!
(brocky, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 21:24, Reply)

well....
you just recieved a bolloking in school your sat there with your m8 in silence looking at floor
the teacher didnt find it funny
(thebadger Isn't lurking for a change on,, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 21:20, Reply)

Ah the late nighty-ness
I once went out with a group of friends down the beach.

We proceeded to get really wasted, and later on I let one rip, This one stank so bad people meters away from me could smell it, now being the coast the wind usually gets rid of these smells quite quickly, but this one stayed, I was proud.
(Maccy Divided by 0 on, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 21:14, Reply)

Disturbance
My wife woke herself up with one last week which sounded like a cross between a high pitched two stroke engine and somebody rolling around on a large sheet of bubble wrap. Funniest of all was, she thought it someone was breaking in and was panic stricken. I couldn't get back to sleep for laughing.

Like all ladies' bottom coughs though, it didn't smell.
(Taunting Lunatics Belming at you since, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 21:12, Reply)

I blame the kids
I used to teach English in Poland and private lessons (round a kid's house) were a nice littel earner.
So I had a dining room table of four very personable 10-yr-olds and their fussy mum was in the background, fussing away.
The lesson nears the end and I guff silently. Got away with it as my humourous personality draws their attention away from them making eye contact with each other and they didn't really notice. They like me and I'm funny, so I'd probably be a star to them for doing it anyway.
So I chuff again and this time its more of a rotting smell than before and the mum is quickly at the table to grill the young chaps on who exactly needs to go to the toilet and who couldn't wait until the nice teacher had left.
They knew it was me. They didn't tell the mum, but they got more and more embarrased until one of them started crying and the others just stared at the floor. The appropriate pause, where I should have owned up, came and went and I just looked bemused and pretended I couldn't quite understand the conversation. Fussy Mum decided the lesson was over, gave me my beer tokens for that night and I left some traumatised little 'uns behind and went to sink some strong lager.
So Kuba, Michal, Lukasz and the other one - I'm sorry I made Fussy Mum think you'd pooed yourself and thanks for taking the bullet. Plus, I'm still impressed that one of your dad's flew the Pope around in a helicopter for a bit; it was a good story for a 10-yr-old to be able to boast about in English.
(thinkthinkthink ... on ..., Fri 13 Jul 2007, 21:08, Reply)

Well

My favourite line when I "freshen the room" is:

"Sniff up Mother - there's vitamins in the air."

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 21:03, Reply)

I once
woke myself up with one.
(THIRTY-TWO - Sputnik -, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 20:57, Reply)

I don't really have a story but
I really hate it when people say "Oh it just slipped out"

HOW THE HELL CAN A FART JUST "SLIP OUT"? I've always had to give a little bit of a push if I want to fart, so I really don't understand this.
( Mrs.Sp@m, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 20:55, Reply)

Co-ordinated couple farting
And another one, travel and poisoning related! When couples wear matching shell-suits it's sad. When they do matching farts I'm not so sure.

This time it was Cuba. Myself and Miss Clopinettes had been bumming about for a couple of weeks when, in the night, things became uncomfortable. Perhaps it was something from the casual hygiene standards of 'casas particulares' where you stay with a family, their chickens and goats, a few lizards and a thousand ants. Perhaps it was the old bananas some old lady had given us for giving her a lift in the car we'd hired that day.

Whatever it was, at 2am we both started. First I woke, went to the toilet and made an enormous, tuneful, but not especially smelly fart (plus a bit of the you-know)... I returned to bed and then Miss C gets up, and plays the next two bars of the tune. This musical fart relay then continued for about two hours as we developed a new type of symphony. The poor Cuban family no doubt woken by us giggling at our new-found musical abilities.
(clopinettes, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 20:36, Reply)

Loud one
When I was a student, I went to visit a mate in Cambridge. We went round to a house where there was an average sized living room filled with about 20 people, all smoking away. So I got pretty ripped up, then had a paranoia moment that lasted about half an hour, during which time I had a colossal fart brewing, and didn't want to fart in front of 20 complete strangers. I spent what seemed like a year trying to work out whether I could sneak it out quietly, or whether it was going to be a rumbler. In the end it just dropped out because of the pressure, and at that bloody exact moment the whole room had stopped talking at the same time, heard it and stared at stoned paranoid me. I've never felt like such an arse.
(Banster Daddy or Uncle? Daddy or Uncle? Hmm. Both please!, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 20:27, Reply)

The farts of food poisoning...
Farts are just farts. All do them, some people's stink more thanks to bad diets or whatever... but when you get food poisoning.... Now *that's* a fart!

I've been hospitalised with salmonella, so I thought I knew exactly what a food poisoning fart was like. But on a trip to Chile, I'd been cheerfully yomping around at 4,500m, dodging lightning bolts, and generally doing the stuff travellers are supposed to do. But at dinner I felt strangely uncomfortable. I didn't want to eat and left my meal, but I had no idea why there was no space inside me.

Well about 1am, I found out. I'd filled myself up with gas. And I guess at high-altitude it just comes out with even higher relative pressure. The first fart started in bed, but felt like it might about to go, erm wet. A few seconds later I'm on the toilet, making a ferocious noise, and emptying my old bowels of both gas, liquids and solids. It wasn't a good time. But hey, one incident isn't a true fart.

So... for the next six hours I had half hourly squits/farting/vomit sessions, eventually turning to just whatever water I tried to drink.

I kind of hoped that was it. But a night of that will leave you exhausted and I was feeling pretty sick. I said my goodbyes to the expedition and stayed put for a few days to recover. At that point I headed off to a place called San Pedro de Atacama to chill a little. All felt well and my appetite was returning. I even had my first poo.

And that's when I panicked. It felt... farty, yes, but also... stringy. I wiped, looked, and saw WORMS! Aaargh! WORMS! I was freaking out, jumped up, and had to have a good look in the u-bend.

Tip: If you've completely killed your digestive system so it doesn't work properly any more, then an easily freaked traveller probably shouldn't pick, for their first meal, spaghetti.
(clopinettes, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 20:23, Reply)

Fraternity Fireball
I guess fraternities are an American thing at university - basically a social organization. Think Animal House without quite so much alcohol and sex, though not for a lack of trying. Anyway...at the weekly meeting. It had been a bit contentious and nasty as we were damn near out of money. So after one particularly bad bit of bickering, there was a silent spell. At that time, John-O reached under his legs with his right and and rocked backward so that his arse was pointing out, simultaneously pulling his cig lighter from his pocket. He lit the lighter and blew a huge fart, producing a spectacular fireball. The meeting broke up...
( HairyTwatter certified eel and sodium salesman, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 20:21, Reply)

When I was at school...
we used to use little plastic syringes we'd stolen from the Biology lab to suck our farts up, so we could shoot 'em in peoples faces later in the day.
( Furness, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 20:16, Reply)

Gasman
Is what they used to call my cousin who could probably fart on command. Ironically his initials were G.A.S. I never used to fart infront of anyone and one day when I was a teenager I was at his house he was in his room I was in the kitchen with my mom, his sister and mother when I felt it coming. I really didn't have any choice in the matter so I let it rip. It was the loudest most disgusting noise I have ever heard my body make...or any other body make. I turned my head when all of a sudden I heard a loud chorus of "GREG!!! EWWW" When he promptly shouted "WHAT?!!" I couldn't stop laughing and thats when they found out it was me...I guess the stench clued them in. BTW Any woman or girl on here who says they don't fart is LYING We all do it. Get over it.

Apologies? I didn't then, not going to now...

EDIT: I just farted, yay!
( Lisette von Falcon, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 20:15, Reply)

causing injury
Many years ago i worked as a programmer in a chicken-shit little company that has since ceased to exist. For a while, our office was above a branch of Next.

The staff used to come up and use our photocopier, as they didn't have their own.

One day this poor young girl climbed the steps to our office, laden down with a huge crate of documents to be copied. As she reached the top, she opened our door just as i let off the loudest, longest, nastiest smelling beer and curry fueled fart of my life.

she dropped the crate, grabbed her nose, pitched backwards down the hard concrete steps, breaking her arm in the progress.

Then the crate landed on her.
(coobeastie Used to Be in Evil Gazebo, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 20:14, Reply)

Earlier this year
One morning, stumbling about in my girlfriend's kitchen after a night on the cider, I farted. Due to changing pitch midway through, it sounded like the opening two notes of Led Zeppelin's "Heartbreaker".

Worryingly, this is my greatest achievement so far this year.
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 20:13, Reply)

Not me, but a friend
Has one of the gaseous bodies i've ever known. He farts and belches like there is no tomorrow. On one gaseous day, we were in maths, sat in the back of the room. Well Mike lets a rather loud and rawreous fart out, which of course, in an all boys school triggered laughter. Yet what happened next was even funnier. His fart had such power, it spread to 3/4 desks each side, to which he gladly shouted "Its got radius".
As of immediate effect, he was sent out of the lesson and threatened with an hours detention.
He's been sent out of several lessons after that incident for farting.
(Seanus, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 20:13, Reply)

Train Fart
A few years back me and my mates decided to go and see Greenday in Manchester, and since nobody could be arsed driving we decided to get the train.

All was well until just near the end of the journey when, with out much provocation,I did a trump. This fart felt somehow different to normal farts though. Its source felt deeper than just my colon, and I felt a strange churning in my gut as the gaseous expulsion took on a sustained power that suprised me. I felt as though I could give it some real force without any fear of shitting myself, and so I did what any b3tard would do and really went with it. It was the longest, and loudest fart I've ever produced, and to make things even better it stunk AND it spread, quickly without losing its potency. This thing was so meaty that as it reached people, they started to chew before realising what it was. It was so bad that people at the other end of the carriage were asking who'd shat themselves, and one woman sat near us (who in my defence was already feeling travel sick) churned her guts out into a shopping bag.

It was the worst journey ever as far everyone else was concerned, but theres nothing quite like the smell of your own brew, and nothing quite as funny as seeing someone be sick because of it. I've never been hated by so many people so quickly though.
( Furness, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 19:55, Reply)

my most shameful moment ever
I can't believe I'm posting it on a message board.

About ten years ago I went and studied a semester at university in Tanzania with 20 other British students and 20 Tanzanian students. We were staying in the middle of nowhere with all the guys in one dorm. One night I was really letting rip. Incredibly loud bass vibratos with the added bonus that they absolutely STINKED. Really bad. Like getting hit in the face with a sack of bricks bad. Naturally I found this hilarious.

I was just drifting off to sleep after a night farting and laughing, the drom had settled down to sleep and I was on the edge of conciousness when I thought I'd drop one more. All of a sudden I was jolted awake by the uncanny feeling that my underwear was several pounds heavier. And wet. And warm.

Somehow I managed to sneak into the bathroom, such as it was, and wash myself down with a towel and a bucket of water. It was then I realised that I had no clean clothes and ALL my clean clothes were outside the dorm on the washing line.

I was just sneaking back through the dorm to get some clean clothes of the washing line, butt naked, when *click* the light flicks on and there are twenty blokes leaning up in bed looking at me. "What the fuck are you doing?" one of them asked. "Lads, I just followed through", I replied. Stunned silence followed by side-splitting laughter, and one of the lads RAN round to the girls' dorm to tell them them happy news and THEY all came round to laugh and point at me as well. The shame.

Still, it turned out I had dysentry and nearly died, so the shame didn't longer too long (although the smell did)
(natalie_imbruglia's_cellist's_cello, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 19:49, Reply)

Sylia Stingray just reminded me
Me and my brother tend to fart on anything living in our house.
This includes the two dogs, any plants and each other. Sometimes, if we're feeling really brave, one of us will sneak behind our mother while she's on the sofa, get within a milimetre of her head and let one rip. Much hilarity ensues.

(It's become funnier with the dogs recently due to the realisation that they have a 10,000x stronger sense of smell than a human. If we feel particularly vindictive, we'll force their nose within a hairs breadth of the sphincter)
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 19:41, Reply)

my ex..../doctor poopface
Part (1)

we were in the middle of forplay when she gets on all fours and asks for some oral, so im there doing my thing and after a while go up for air...

just in time for her to blast one hell of an air biscuit at me

i retched, and puked all over her back end (which i've now found out she found highly arousing apparently)

never given oral again.....


Part (2)

last year i had to go to hospital for certain reasons, (kidney/bladder probs)
anywhoo i had to have a catheter(if you've had one you KNOW it fcuking hurts)

so there i was on the table and mr doc tells me how the procedure was to go down,
one tube down my japs eye and one in my bum hole..... i thought i was bad enough having one in the front but oooh no

anyway the tube was to relive pressure and about 1omins into it i needed to fart really badly but me being me thinks i can hold it

cue the tube launching out of my ring piece smacking into a nurses face and a trail of slime/lube/poo all over the floor

twas last nights kebab making an unpleasent arrival

sorry about length but you wanted fart storys....
(tweedleDUMB Giving Up Smoking, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 19:39, Reply)

Maladicta ...
Mum farts are always the worst. One of my mother's efforts once caused everyone in the house, including the pets, to suddenly decide that it would be nice to spend a bit of quality time in the garden. I swear I even saw a houseplant trying to make a break for it.
( Sylia Stingray is pilfering the biscuits on, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 19:38, Reply)

I am very grateful my mum doesn't know how to use the internets.
She is very good at farting, and it doesn't help that she finds it absolutely hilarious so she does it all the more.

The most famous incident was the time she farted The Star-Spangled Banner, or at least the first few notes of it.
( Maladicta, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 19:36, Reply)

Curry and beer
To set the scene I work in a 55,000sqft electrical retail store. On a heavy night out I had consumed large amounts of lager then followed it up with a hefty vindaloo with all the trimmings.

The next day I had a really bad arse, I kept farting all the time and they stank really bad. To try and disguise who was making the smell I tried the patting and shaking the trousers trick to avoid leaving a trail. In one trip from one side of the building I managed 11 farts synchronised with my foot steps, much to my amusement.

The smell in the store became so bad people were complaining. I managed to convince my manager and a few colleagues that the aircon was blowing out the rancid stench, perhaps something had died in the ventilation system.

My arse was sooooo bad they believed me. I had to stop them calling in the engineers by admitting it was me. At first they did not believe me so I let one go in the warehouse, a real beauty with the consistency of tear gas. One of the managers called it a fire hazard and made me open the doors to shift it.
( bovineharvester is quite ill, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 19:34, Reply)

The dog
My dog Cino just walked in the room, looked at me, farted - without so much as moving a muscle - and then left. This is the third time this week. Smells too.
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 19:31, Reply)