are we havin a new qotw?????

(Nahla, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 16:20, Reply)

Office gobbler - tenuous
I suppose this is vaguely on topic as it is the first unintentionally rude thing I saw in the work place....

It was back in 2003, before riots, the double dip recession and that spastic Russell Brand. Happy days. Anyway, I had a mediocre job for a telecoms company in Manchester as a desk jockey of sorts. Something to do with fibre, fuck it, I can't remember, there was a database and also unlimited internet access....

But I digress. One day, I was having lunch at my desk, along with another dozen or so people in the open plan office. Sat accross from me was a temp who had just started that day, a "big boned" girl of Jamaican descent (bear with me, this is relevant). I was looking over at her, thinking it might be a nice gesture to ask her how she was getting on, it being her first day and all that. She had her mouth full though, so I thought I'd better wait. She was making her way through a large ice cream tub of spicy chicken legs. I watched discreetly at first, as she gnawed, nibbled and then, totally innocently, SUCKED and GOBBLED each chicken leg in turn, slurping and masticating all the way through the box. It sounded like a porno for the blind with the speech edited out. I tell you, those bones were shiny and devoid of all meat when she'd finished with them.
I wasn't the only one to notice and it became one of those times when you have to fight not to make eye contact with your mates, because you know that when you do, the giggles will have you. Unfortunately, we didn't manage to avoid eye contact and there was a certain amount of vaguely controlled guffawing before a number of us had to get out of there and let some belly laughs rip outside. We never saw her again and, if you're reading this, chicken gobbler girl, I'm sorry we gave yout the fear - totally unintentional. We all just wanted to be the chicken legs really, I suppose, Freud might say. No actually, Freud would probably say we wanted to build a large cock out of penguin shit, then have sex with our mothers, but, again, I digress.
(impossibly witty twat No, YOUR Mum etc etc, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 15:42, 17 replies)

not me but someone elses first?
about a year ago me and my girlfriend would, on summer evenings, take a walk around a fishing pond/lake.

as is the custom you walk around and ask how the fishing is going to the fisherman (i fish also, so its interesting to know if the pond is doing well or not)

Anyway, walking round we notice a group of young lads - about 10yrs old. they are spaced out about 20metres apart on the fishing pegs... fishing.

Walking past one lad, I noticed (not hidden) on the floor next to his feet - a very well folded, creased, porno mag. With the picture of a women spreading the lips. (the front cover had already clearly fallen off)

He didnt make any effort to hide it, but sort of caught my eye and and became a bit embarrassed as he realised he hadnt hidden it away.

I just laughed.

out loud.
(Dan dan dan is just on the right side of good, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 15:02, Reply)

The tenuosity of the below is incredible - please don't read if easily offended by tenuousness
When I was five I used to get about with this guy called Guy, and we did all the usual stuff that kids in the countryside get up to; building dens, climbing trees, setting fire to his sister's dolls - you know the sort of thing.

A couple of years ago after a band rehearsal we went to the pub opposite, and this incredibly attractive goth girl over there saw me come in, stared at me, and gave me a coy - if huge - grin.

We sat down with our drinks, and within a moment, this goth girl came over, specifically to me. Yes, boys - I AM the man.

"Are you A Vagabond?" she asked excitedly.

"Yes I am" I said, "Who are you?"

"Sophie", she said, "I'm Guy's sister."

I nearly fell off my chair. I was for that week, the coolest kid in the band bar none.

Connection? I must have seen her naked at some point when she was having her nappy changed or whatever when I was a kid.
( A Vagabond lol commie povvo, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 12:21, 8 replies)

She was sixteen
and i was fourteen . In spite of the age gap she had agreed that we could visit the local woods together for some mutual exploration .It was evening time and dark so I used my lighter to help me see the view . This was my first live muff and I had never seen so much pubic hair in my life . I looked up and asked her 'Can you really pee through all that ? '
'Of course', she says , ' Why ? '
'You better start ' I said ' I've just set it on fire . '
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 10:06, 4 replies)

A poem...
She lay back upon the bed
While I gently stroked her head
She said to undo my fly
And who am I to deny
Out flopped my cock
But I forgot the lock
So mum wondered in with a cup of tea and I didn't even get to see her tits. Bugger.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 18 Aug 2011, 9:43, 2 replies)

I once got food poisoning after eating some prawns I found in the woods.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Wed 17 Aug 2011, 23:20, 1 reply)

Just this very afternoon.
The missus and I have two cats, each of us bringing a fuzzbutt into the relationship. Mine is the Big Black Fluffy Thing, while hers is Basement Cat. (The resemblance is uncanny, and I've been collecting cheezburger photos to make an album for her.)

I went out today and got flea treatment for them (the stuff you squirt on their skin, which they both hate) and de-worming medicine as Basement Cat has been chewing her ringpiece lately. I also bought a small syringe to inject the de-worming stuff into her mouth.

I've been outside working on a stained glass project, and was showing it to the missus. She noticed the Big Black Fluffy Thing laying nearby in the sun. I commented that she was going to be mad at me soon when I gave her flea treatment.

"Yeah, but she's really gonna be mad at getting something jammed in her butt," she replied.

"What?"

"You know, the de-worming stuff."

I put down the piece of glass I was holding. "What! No, you don't put it there, you inject in in their mouth so it goes through their intestines and kills the worms!"

She turned red and started giggling.

Horrified I stared at her. "You didn't already do that to your cat, did you?!?"

It took her a minute to communicate that no, she hadn't anally violated her cat, that if she had I would have heard the screaming.

It probably would have been one of the rudest things I had ever witnessed, and certainly would have been a memorable moment for the cat.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 17 Aug 2011, 22:08, 2 replies)

manofscience's post reminds me.
My mrs told me that a naive teenage viewing of animal farm with her (mostly male) friends was her shocking introduction to porn. Being lovely and a girl, she harboured no further curiosity for grumble flicks.

As a young engaged couple - and probably not long after I found that out - I procured a couple of tapes to view together. We duly settled down with open minds to see some fresh erotica (which would hopefully make her dirty as a sewer rat).

As the first tape flickered on to the screen, a bubble permed woman bent over a bench while a man smacked her arse with a riding crop. After a few seconds though, he progressed to whipping her full force to produce immediate purple welts across her buttocks. Though I was well aquainted with grot, we were both somewhat shocked.

Next scene was basically a bloke hiding his knob by wrapping it in his ballsack. THEN SEWING IT SHUT.

The third was two couples and two nooses over a rafter. FUCK! I thought, was this actually a real snuff tape? Not quite, the ligatures went around the womens TITS and the blokes took the slack and hoisted them about a foot into the air. The four deformed breasts went that awful purple of oxygen starved skin with the nipples black as coal.

That was pretty much the end for mrs cloud and porn. I do wonder how it would have turned out if i'd played the other tape first (which turned out to be lovely normal 'barbie and hunk' american stuff.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Wed 17 Aug 2011, 19:05, 3 replies)