It is international wife beating day today.
I've never hit a woman, even accidentally, without massive amounts of apologising, buying flowers, and generally being extra nice. When my girlfriend hits me, she thinks it's funny, and does it again.

Hardly equality of the sexes, is it? What do you find so unfair, that it makes you want to hit a weaker member of society than yourself?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:36, 126 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Feminists claiming that "we're stronger than men", and not being able to take a punch.
Also, I've never hit a woman.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:39, Reply)

I have.
It was fucking great.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:40, Reply)

I'm always doing it.
Fucking love it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:19, Reply)

That most are allowed to live past playschool age.
But seriously folks, International Birds Day, WTF? I don't recall there being a mans day.

A girl I work with is highly qualified and gives it the mouth if she thinks the firm or an individual could be said to be infringing wimmins rights. Yet she has no problem calling in sick with "women's problems". Lez.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:39, Reply)

Who cares about all that
What are her tits like?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:46, Reply)

Like Dick Turpin's saddlebags.
Like all professional women she is ugly and fat.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:47, Reply)

Excellent description

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:49, Reply)

19th Novermber
We just don't piss and whinge about it.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:46, Reply)

Damn.
We should petition Downing Street to make it a Public Holiday.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:48, Reply)

Nah - it's for benders

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:48, Reply)

It even has a goatse logo:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:International_Men%27s_Day_Symbol.png
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:49, Reply)

hahaha!
Brilliant
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:51, Reply)

I prefer their logo
It's rather good
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:07, Reply)

hahahaha!
WTF?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:15, Reply)

I think the idea behind it is that 364 days a year are mens days.
Which is just not true.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:48, Reply)

Girl I work with just said that to me.
I laughed so hard I had to send her to fetch the tea.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:50, Reply)

Did you give her a slap on the arse as you sent her on her way?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:59, Reply)

Is that not the done thing?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:00, Reply)

Of course, the best way to show appreciation is with a firm pat on the backside!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:03, Reply)

How about a tit-honk for a job well done?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:15, Reply)

Only if you make the appropriate noise too.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:17, Reply)

Haven't you heard of "Steak and a blowjob day" ? That's Man's Day as far as I'm concerned.
I fucking love the "What? A [Generally accepted prosecuted demographic] day? I don't see no [oppressing, at some point in history, demographic] day !" line.

I don't think prosecuted is the right word, but I mean, a group that was generally a second-class citizen.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:04, Reply)

I've already invited a girl round for it, it's next Wednesday
Also, in America, they don't just get a day, Darkies get an entire month!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:04, Reply)

Typical.
Give them an inch...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:24, Reply)

Inch thick works well, you get a good *thwack* when you beat them.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:36, Reply)

I think you are looking for: persecuted.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:10, Reply)

In fact you should know that word
Your lot are always banging on about it.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:22, Reply)

Tee hee

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:24, Reply)

You may want to rephrase that opening sentence*...
I gave my poor other half a bloody nose. I was being a twat on the coast in high wind, holding out my coat like a cape and running towards her as the wind blew me along and somehow punched her straight in the face. She still won't let me forget it.

I haven't felt the need to hit a weaker member of society ever, but if I do, I'll make sure I go to the next /talk bash.


*Edit, sorry 'second' sentence. There is nothing that could be misinterpreted about the first.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:48, Reply)

Whilst I am appaled by you hitting your other half, it has had two effects.
1. I found it rather funny.
2. She has stuck by you, being too scared to leave, in case you duffed her up proper.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:53, Reply)

She didn't need telling a third time.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:54, Reply)

International Womens day a few years ago
I was handed a badge outside Tower Hill station that looked like a tube sign but said "Only women bleed, only women conceive, give up your seat"

I was livid and I keep it as reminder that being female and pro humanity is far more important than being a misguided feminist.
( wanderlust, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:51, Reply)

Only women bleed?
FFS.

Someone needed a man's help with their sloganeering.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:52, Reply)

Pretty sure they need a man to conceive too.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:54, Reply)

Yeah, but they can use gay men for that.
And we all know they don't really count.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:56, Reply)

I'm not sure if they meant well or wanted women to be punched in the face.

( wanderlust, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:02, Reply)

This is what happens when an idea is only discussed with people that agree with each other.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:26, Reply)

+ who are rabid, annoying 'wimmin'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:29, Reply)

It's the same with rabid annoying men,
such as the EDL deciding to honour soldiers by getting drunk next to the cenotaph on rememberance day.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:31, Reply)

True enough.
The 'hanging off the scaffolding' 'ELLO DARLIN' type of chap makes me ashamed to be male, too.

This is why I am undergoing 'gender realignment' surgery and am taking oestrogen pills.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:32, Reply)

If you didn't walk past building sites in your Transformation gear it wouldn't happen.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:34, Reply)

If I didn't walk back and forth repeatedly, trilling 'I'm free', perhaps it would stop.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:37, Reply)

I'm here to help.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:26, Reply)

I've never hit a woman
I have had a vodka and coke pelted off my arm by one, resulting in about 8 stitches. Dozy bitch

I'd like to punch Ann Widdicombe. Right in the kisser
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:51, Reply)

Does she really count as a woman though?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:59, Reply)

Meh
I'll twat her anyway
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:00, Reply)

It would be a public duty.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:01, Reply)

twat give
+one
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:16, Reply)

I only punch feminists
It seems fair.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 8:53, Reply)

My sister and I had proper fights,
that doesn't count though, because she usually won until I was about 12.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:20, Reply)

And she turned 5.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:21, Reply)

15 she's older than me.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:21, Reply)

Whenever I get bored with hitting women*
I always pop out for a spot of 'paki-bashing'. Luckily my local area is riddled with them.

*in fairness this is extremely rare
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:28, Reply)

Spackers.
Why the hell should they be allowed to park closer to the door of the supermarket than me?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:30, Reply)

Most blue and green badgeholders don't merit them
even then it's family members who 'borrow them'
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:34, Reply)

I think they should withdraw the parking badge and give the needy their spaz chariots back.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:38, Reply)

They were narrower as well
Freeing up more parking space for the rest of us.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:40, Reply)

Exactly so.
They could have more spaces available, in less overall space.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:48, Reply)

Just plain lazy.
Sitting down in those chairs all day. Makes me fucking sick.

People fought in two world wars for them and they can't even be bothered to stand up when a lady walks in. Disgusting.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:34, Reply)

Don't you qualify for spacker parking with your condition?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:36, Reply)

Nah. I'm a head spacker. All my limbs work fine.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:38, Reply)

+ as an 'organic washing machine'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:38, Reply)

+ using my enormous penis to mix the soap powder in.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:40, Reply)

what an image

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:54, Reply)

Only problem is the soap stings my jap eye.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:10, Reply)

morning /ot
I had a crappy night's sleep, mostly just not enough of it. So I bought a can of Mountain Dew Energy on the way in to work and NOW I FEEL WIDE AWAKE AND EAGER TO DO STUFF JUST AS SOON AS MY HANDS STOP SHAKING

My coworker needs a good kicking given the number of stupid questions she asks.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:50, Reply)

i hate these massive pushes to promote women in the workplace
i got my job and my recent promotion to senior solicitor due to bloody hard work and having a few IQ points, not because of positive discrimination ffs.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:54, Reply)

And the smashing blouse you were wearing.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:56, Reply)

the one without any buttons you mean?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:56, Reply)

That's the one.
it just accidentally pops open.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:58, Reply)

where's quentin to say that the lard pushes its way out between the buttons?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:59, Reply)

All his clothes have velcro fastenings

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:03, Reply)

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:58, Reply)

* prepares for an anti Rik Mayall rant from Boyce *

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:59, Reply)

christ i thought it was richard branson at first glance
i don't know which dick would be more insulted
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:00, Reply)

He has only been funny once.
A quad bike was involved.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:02, Reply)

Wasn't that Ozzy Osbourne?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:06, Reply)

Happened to both of them.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:08, Reply)

Ahh

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:09, Reply)

Ozzy suffered a similar drama a few years later.
Mayall sustained brain damage. Tellingly it appears to be unnoticeable.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:09, Reply)

a
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:56, Reply)

They had this problem when I worked at Coca-Cola.
A load of black female employees got together to form a class action suit claiming that they were under represented in middle and senior management positions.

They won and a load of people were fired or moved in to different jobs to make way for a load of talentless women darkies.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 9:57, Reply)

it's really irritating
if they want more women/people from different backgrounds to be promoted, they don't shove existing good people out of the way. they change the system so that the under-represented can actually stand a chance of getting the jobs. eg the massive barking elephant in the corner of the room, that not one person will discuss, is that women's careers tend to stall when they have kids.

so don't set up "female mentoring" schemes that are just a load of lip-service. set up a creche. or actually allow women to work from home part-time. or try giving them a job if they've had 2 years off. grrr.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:02, Reply)

in fact as i have no sprogs, the current system actually benefits me hugely
but i hate it so much that it irritates me non-stop
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:02, Reply)

Agreed.
Actually, I would say I'm far more productive at work now that I've had a kid because I'm fucking desperate to do something that doesn't involve reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar to a bolshy toddler.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:08, Reply)

...and the baby isn't much help either!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:09, Reply)

Trufax.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:18, Reply)

one of my colleagues overheard two guys at the photocopier
dissing another colleague because apparently she now has "baby brain". she thought about smashing their heads onto the copier but decided that it would just slow up her own productivity.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:09, Reply)

Bloody typical.
I got a £500 for soliciting - you get a fucking promotion.

Political correctness gone mad.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:03, Reply)

£500 for a pretty boy like you, is not a bad night's work

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:06, Reply)

That's why he's started dyeing his hair - he's been able to put his prices up as a result.
For another £25 he'll put it in bunches for you.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:08, Reply)

I sure will.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:10, Reply)

how about we just eat pizza instead?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:12, Reply)

For £500, I'd eat the shit out of a dead camel's arse.
For £510, I'd enjoy it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:15, Reply)

that makes me feel very very special

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:15, Reply)

Rightly so.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:19, Reply)

where did he say that was for one night?
could have been it for the last decade
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:10, Reply)

It's cumulative.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:10, Reply)

cum - ulative more like

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:11, Reply)

*slow, mocking applause*

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:13, Reply)

Yeah,
my department want to advertise the fact that they have a woman working for them. I am torn between being a role model and being a token. Also, it means I'll have competition for the unlimited autistic geeks.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:06, Reply)

how ridiculous is that?!
hmmm. i think you can accept the competition though. autistic internet gaming geeks = shit in bed.

i've only made the mistake of testing this theory once, but it is sooooo true. NO EXCEPTIONS.

oh yeah, and you're married, should that have been my first thought?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:08, Reply)

Do they not have extremely dextrous thumbs?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:12, Reply)

no, they tend to be locked in a useless clawlike posture

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:15, Reply)

Aye, but I'm married to a computer geek.
He's not autistic though. He can look at someone else's shoes when they're talking to him.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:19, Reply)

my ex told me that was the difference between an actuary and an accountant
actuary in "lack of originality" shocker
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:21, Reply)

If he thinks shoes are talking to him, autism is the least of his worries.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:32, Reply)

Aww well done you!
Who's a clever girl, eh?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:16, Reply)

humph
i would say "fuck you" but being married with 2 kids, you might not have known what i meant since about 1996...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:18, Reply)

Hey, I had sex last year

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:18, Reply)

oh ok then
as we were
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:21, Reply)

A fucking great chunk of metal flipped up and hit my windscreen at 60mph this morning
How the screen didn't smash I'll never know but I almost shat myself. Luckily my bowls and plates remained intact
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:12, Reply)

Monty's aim isn't what it once was

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:13, Reply)

His little flid arms do seem to be getting worse

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:14, Reply)

Fucking hell, that's not good
Is all alright?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:14, Reply)

By some miracle yes, not a scratch!
Considering a pheasant smashed my last windscreen this is amazing
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:15, Reply)

Coincidence?
I'll bet if you had checked the tag on that pheasant's leg you would have seen it came from the Boyce family estate.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:24, Reply)

I didn't know the council let you breed game in their flats

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:28, Reply)

Was it Diamond Head's first album?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:15, Reply)

Oh no sorry, you said it was 'fucking great'.
As you were.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:16, Reply)

are you setting up your own jokes now...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:17, Reply)

No-one else here has the wit to participate.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:18, Reply)

Could have been worse, could have been anvil

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:16, Reply)

That Anvil film is great. Shame about all their records.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:17, Reply)

I said this the other day
Aside from playing the guitar with a dildo, they were just a bit shit
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:19, Reply)

More than a bit.
Nice guys though.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 10:28, Reply)