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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Hello
It's a pretty slow news day today.

What would you ideal BBC news headline be?
Alt: go fuck yourself
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:20, Reply)
Monty Boyce adopted by Hendrix estate as posthumous heir.
'It's what Jimi would have wanted', say family.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:24, Reply)
They have spent all of his money on paying journos to pretent his music was any good
and autotuning his past appearences.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:26, Reply)
I see.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:26, Reply)
You seem like a man who knows a lot about thermal insulation.
Bubble wrap is good isn't it? Is one layer totally covering a vessel better than two just round the outside.?
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:28, Reply)
For clothing?
Buy a coat.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:29, Reply)
I'm trying to keep my fermenting homebrew warmer.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:30, Reply)
The other option is to stick it in a washing bowl of water and use a cheap thermostatic aquarium heater
but I'll have to buy that and move it near a socket.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:32, Reply)
But what will the efficiency of that situation be?
Pretty low I think it'll have to heat through about 4mm of plastic and I doubt i could cover the washing bowl effectivly so evaporation would lose a lot of energy and electricity is expensive.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:36, Reply)
Hmm, reading through your posts, I'm wondering whether
you've considered that a suitable medium for covering the washing bowl could be a pair of waterproof trousers?
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:37, Reply)
The science of brewing is actually pretty interesting.
I mean it's no trans-warp drives but then you do get drunk at the end.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:39, Reply)
How's the brew coming along?
You've prompted me to start wine making again, I'll start with a few kits to get back into the swing, then do some fruit. Spiced beetroot, and a nice rhubarb one were 2 of my successes.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:49, Reply)
It's too slow, at the current rate it'll be fermenting for 2 weeks
And I want to drink it quicker so I'm trying to get it into the optimum temperature.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:57, Reply)
you'll bollocks up the fermentaion if you aren't careful.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:59, Reply)
He's right,
as long as it doesn't actually stop fermenting, it'll be fine.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:00, Reply)
If you kick if off too much you might affect the metabolic route
if it goes too aerobic you'll use up all the sugar and produce too little alcohol.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:02, Reply)
I know, that's why I'm aiming for passive heating at the moment.
Stupid weather dropping my house temp 3C since Friday.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:01, Reply)
Hahahah

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:42, Reply)
buy a heating mat or blanket.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:55, Reply)
I think that's what I'll have to do but I haven't seen them anywhere except online
and I don't want to spend 6 on postage.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:59, Reply)
well what you want to do then, right, is go and find a shop
- they're sometimes called off-licences - and buy some ready made beer in cans or bottles. It's amazingly convenient, cheaper and it tastes better.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:03, Reply)
I'm invested now!

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:12, Reply)
You'll need to invest more then. Or put it in an airing cupboard.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:14, Reply)
Hmmmm.
Tough one. I would go with one totally covering layer. Two will sandwich air in and give better insulation but any increased insulation would be lost by the lack of total coverage.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:31, Reply)
I think I might just get more bubblewrap, it's pretty cheap.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:36, Reply)
Ah, 'option 3'.
Good move.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:41, Reply)
I recently bought the Jimi Hendrix experience
and, I have to say, the famous ones are famous for a reason. The reason is because the rest of the album is kind of wanky and indulgent.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:29, Reply)
Do you mean 'Are You Experienced?' ?

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:32, Reply)
Electric Ladyland.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:33, Reply)
It was a patchy album.
By then he was pretty fried and was overindulged in the studio. Still a masterpiece though if you ask me. Axis: Bold As Love (his 2nd LP) is the critics' choice for his best. I love all of them and am a big gay.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:45, Reply)

Hendrix Saville
i my
family terrified local schoolgirls
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:29, Reply)
Rebekah Wade raped to death by bear
would be good.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:27, Reply)
A "borrowed" police bear.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:28, Reply)
haha, yes.
Cameron admits to dancing with Wade's borrowed police bear prior to death rape shocker.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:29, Reply)
the ex has only once been allowed to see me with my hair in its natural reddish and very curly state
he has called me "rebekah" ever since.

can the bear rape him to death too? ta.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:29, Reply)
Maybe.
It'd have to be a particularly rapey bear.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:30, Reply)
What? You're a ginge?
It's over.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:32, Reply)
I'll do it
*unveils bayonet cock attachment*
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:34, Reply)
oh god now you're even more unattractive to me
poor swipe :'(
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:43, Reply)
i consider this to be a good thing!
anyway it's dyed much darker and blown smooth by the hairdresser 3 times a week, so you're quite safe.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:46, Reply)
You know you can buy a hairdryer and a pair of GHDs for £150?

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:50, Reply)
i think you should probably just kill yourself
being an overwight mental online is bad enough, but ginger too?

(shudder)
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:53, Reply)
rusty roof
stinky garage
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:45, Reply)
Abolishment of the marital rape exemption to be repealed.
Just kidding. Mine would be back in the late 90's

"Lucas to hand over script writing and direction of Star Wars Prequels to competent individuals"
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:28, Reply)
Norwich-based telecommunications analyst (32) makes billions from "Celebrity Running Man" franchise
Credited with bringing about World Peace by uniting warring nations in the joy of watching Michael McIntyre and James Corden fighting to the death. Uses new-found wealth to buy Lionel Messi for Nottingham Forest. Seals off Derbyshire for good of humankind.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:28, Reply)
why the sig?

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:30, Reply)
I've joined the "wacky lyrics in lieu of genuine wit" bandwagon
It's from Azealia Banks' crackin' tune "212", pop pickers
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:32, Reply)
That song is just noise.
Either that or I'm not down with the kids any more.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:35, Reply)
I don't like any of her other stuff
but that's just the right level of dirty for me.

Possibly you and I have swapped personalities, Barry. I'll just check how expensive my coat is, how's your ringpiece feeling?
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:38, Reply)
I LIKE THE ONE BY BLACK KEYS THAT GOES
NER-NER-NER-NER-NER

NER-NER-NER-NER

BEFORE IT WAS COOL
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:46, Reply)
"New law passes into goverment today decree'ing that it is iligal for anyone to turn down gonz for sex at any point in time he wants. Furthermore, they should want to do sex in any place, any time and any style that he wants and if anyone sees it, they wi
ll cheer and celebrate the event. Whoever he chooses at that point in time is not allowed to get upset if he picks someone else, and will be really really pleased that he has chosen her. Also, everything in the world ever is free to him, he doesn't ever have to pay for anything again, weather it's red bull, mojitos or farraris and houses. Everyone in the world ever has to do whatever he says and they have to be happy about it."
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:31, Reply)
Why would you want people to cheer you?

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:37, Reply)
I'm very needy, I like to be told I've done a good job.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:39, Reply)
you just need to recieve a firm handshake from the girl after orgasm.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:40, Reply)
girls can't orgasm, you idiot

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:42, Reply)
who cares?

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:44, Reply)
As long as they're capable of properly frying bacon, anyway.
Otherwise, there's no point calling again, or responding to theirs.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:45, Reply)
¬(o_0)~

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:46, Reply)
I prefer this one ¯\(°_o)/¯

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:49, Reply)
i don't know how to do that

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:52, Reply)
Does rohypnol firm up the wrists?
Cos if so I'd like some please.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:45, Reply)
Crow, give Darth his login back.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:58, Reply)
Either the I like this button is fucked
or you're all forgetting to click on my witty posts.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:47, Reply)
The number one spot on the popular page is a little underwhelming.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:51, Reply)
I mean it's gonz and we love him,
but not his best work.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:52, Reply)
That was my fault.
Browsing on my phone with my stupid, fat sausage fingers.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:59, Reply)
This'll crack you up boyce,
I was running two extracts from crystal reports and I have to export them to excel in the shared drive so some other spreadsheets can link to them, but instead of downloading the two reports to spreadsheets a&b I saved report A twice.
What makes it worse is I logged out of crystal.

Man, it's crazy here.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:55, Reply)
That's a shit headline.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:00, Reply)
New law requires IQ test and parenting licence before procreating.
Alt: thanks very much.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:55, Reply)
What about stealing children by marrying older men?

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:56, Reply)
If the children are older than you are
can you really be said to be 'parenting' them?
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:57, Reply)
I was just being mean obviously, I don't know or care.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:00, Reply)
this is way too sensible
where's the lathery bathtime hoverboots?
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:57, Reply)
I'm not sure about this one
What if the next Einstein happens to have thick as fuck waste of space parents.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:13, Reply)
that's vanishingly unlikely.
I'm prepared to take the risk.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:16, Reply)
Eugenics is kind of frowned upon, these days.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:20, Reply)
On a purely theoretical level
eugenics gets a bad press.
Obviously it should never be used in the real world, but animal husbandry has shown how effective it could be. The difficulty would be, as with everything else, trusting the people who would make the decisions. Power corrupts, and all that.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:22, Reply)
History has shown than when people have tried to make other people "better"
they end up making things worse. Last guy that tried it ended up coming to a sticky end.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:23, Reply)
That's what I mean.
It could never work in practice. But I do find the theory behind it fascinating.

Look at teh variety you have in dog breeds, yet a chihauha and a great dane are the same species. Imagine what someone could do with selective human breeding.
I mean, we're all programmed to a certain amount of selective breeding anyway. We're naturally attracted to people we think will further certain genetic traits.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:29, Reply)
We're nowhere near as genetically diverse as dogs.
You couldn't breed humans like that. Even in dogs it causes significant genetic problems and our pool is much, much shallower due to nearly going extinct at one point.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:31, Reply)
I know. I know it couldn't possibly work.
But look at the traditional differences in isolated cultures - Asians being smaller, Scandinavians being blond and blue-eyed, etc etc...
These days we're becoming more homogeonised, but if it had gone the other way, someone could have emphasised those differences.

The danger there being you get into Hitler territory, and someone has to define racial ideals.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:35, Reply)
Those aren't really bred traits
Asians are only physically smaller due to a diet of mostly rice. Now they've started eating more meat, they're getting taller.

Regional variations in colouring aren't anywhere near that cut and dried, either. There are plenty of dark-haired people in Scandinavia. In Finland, they're the majority.

I get where you're coming from, but it's just not that simple.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:03, Reply)
Like dog breeds
where nearly every peddigree has fundamental genetic faults. Or Thoroughbread horses that are so physically tuned they can't survive without near constant care.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:31, Reply)
I'm not sure not allowing stupids to breed is really eugenics
I mean, I can see the argument as to how it is, but really it's just common sense.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:42, Reply)
Child development studies show that it's not the IQ of the parent that is the major factor in the childs final intelligence
it's their social status and how much money they have.
Also there's a link to high powered successful parents having a negative impact after a certain level. (usually explained by a lack of time spent with the child)
If you're trying to get a smart population you should only let people with a household income of 20,000 to 150,000 have kids.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:52, Reply)
And they must live in a nice area.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:55, Reply)
Child development studies are almost universally total horseshit
I hope this helps.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:50, Reply)
Official: North better than South
Then again, I think b3th's would be even better.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:57, Reply)
Don't need a headline to state the obvious, AA.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 11:58, Reply)
Pillows replaced by breasts to get the poor back to work.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:05, Reply)
i don't understand this, someone please explain how breast pillows would make people work?

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:22, Reply)
A lot of fat people are unemployed
and they have big breasts. They could be employed to be pillows.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:23, Reply)
so bob wants to be a pillow?
isn't this some sort of sexual offence i think?
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:25, Reply)
Iz in ur bedz bein ur pilloow

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:28, Reply)
Well if I was long term unemployed
and Bob came round with his bitch tits for a snuggle, I'll be honest with you here, I'd get off my arse pretty quickly and take it down to the Jobcentre.

No offence, Bob.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:30, Reply)
the system works, good job bob

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:32, Reply)
He'd probably bring some massive drugs at least.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:33, Reply)

drugs pies
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:34, Reply)
Pies don't last long while he's around, he may have them when he walks in the door
but they'll be gone by the time he gets to the sofa.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:35, Reply)
A portly person is better at hugs anyway.
Nobody wants to hug a broom stick.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:56, Reply)
There needs to be some rules let down, like...
- Are you allowed to sniff hair and sigh to yourself?
- Should an accidental stiffy come up, do you have to inform your snuggling partner?
- Talking, eye contact and stroking allowed?
- What is the minimum and maximum amount of clothing allowed?
- What is the procedure should pins'n'needles set in?
- Should there be a TV in the room, who is in control of the clickers?
- Is it considered cheating, should you not like your partner, to hug really hard to make it uncomfortable?
- Back to the stiffy thing, if you go into the bathroom to deal with the matter, is the other partner allowed to switch to a more prefable possition?
- Shoes on or off?
- Spooning or facing each other?
- Should it be facing each other, who gets to look at the telly?

This is all very complicated, but I think with correct pre defined agreement of the aformentioned rules be in place, that both parties involved can come to an amicable arrangement.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:55, Reply)
Houses of Parliament sacked by gang of maurauding proctologists
Alt: Rachelswipe - are you really a ginge???????
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:33, Reply)
There's nothing wrong with being a bit ginge
or having curly hair.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:35, Reply)
I've been embracing my curls recently
but that's more to do with not being arsed to get the straighteners out.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:37, Reply)
It takes me the best part of an hour to straighten my hair properly
that can fuck right off.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:38, Reply)
Mine doesn't take that long
but it's very fine, and only shoulder-length.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:40, Reply)
Curls look awesome anyway...
...see my missus for further details!
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:42, Reply)
A touch of rust works for me.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:43, Reply)
I am married to a redhead. Very sexy she is too.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:44, Reply)
a touch of rust is a fair comment
it's more dark brown with a bit of red.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:22, Reply)
I carry the gene for one and am afflicted with the other...
...but ms swipe holding back on the gingerdom until now?
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:41, Reply)
of course
i don't tell you lot EVERYTHING
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:24, Reply)
I would have thought the collective noun for them would be a Darth?

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:38, Reply)
All gypsies and travellers to be sterilised and expelled from mainland Britain and sent to live on a small Scottish island

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:40, Reply)
Why do we get them?

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:43, Reply)
Because you all need your drives tarmacing.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:44, Reply)
I just thought you should know that i have been to the pub already and shall be returning there forthwith
i hope this helps
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:44, Reply)
One of the best pubs in Macc is closing.
Shit.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:46, Reply)
can't have been that good then

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:47, Reply)
It should have a sign above the door
"not even the best pub in Macc"
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:48, Reply)
It's not anyway, but it was far better than most of the others.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:49, Reply)
Was a little expensive, but worth it.
The food there was fantastic, and their Peroni was too. Unfortunately, there are far too many fuckwits who would rather drink in Wetherspoons.

Wankers.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:48, Reply)
Bert jailed for sister based noncery
And swipe a secret ginge! More attractive by the minute.
Cock gaz on the way!
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:55, Reply)
*vommits blood*

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:57, Reply)
Smoking cannabis is good for you
Drug to be made freely available to men in their 30s.

Alt: Perhaps when the mrs is in bed.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:57, Reply)
Monty you quender
Can you gaz me the link to that unkle breezeblock mix please.

Thanks bbz.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 12:58, Reply)
Have we discussed Samantha Brick yet?
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2124246/Samantha-Brick-downsides-looking-pretty-Why-women-hate-beautiful.html?ito=feeds-newsxml
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:05, Reply)
Have you seen the new article she's written today?
She's claiming that all the hate mail she's received since simply proves she's right, the tool.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:07, Reply)
Link please

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:07, Reply)

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2124782/Samantha-Brick-says-backlash-bile-yesterdays-Daily-Mail-proves-shes-right.html
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:08, Reply)
Thank you.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:11, Reply)
I like the picture of her husband with a gun.
"I've been moose hunting"
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:13, Reply)
Haha

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:14, Reply)
He's clearly the looker in that relationship.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:15, Reply)
Her knickers are on one size too tight, she's got a bit of an overhang there.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:18, Reply)
I am sure her knickers would look great lying on your bedroom floor Gonz.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:19, Reply)
I could do better, most people could.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:22, Reply)
Indeed. Even Quinten in his best kebab salesman shirt driving his Ford Probe could do better than her.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:23, Reply)
There are some great comments on Twitter about her. Very funny.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:16, Reply)
It's the top story linked on the original article
The one above all the stories about various actresses having breasts.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:10, Reply)
Oh lol, just read about half way of it then got bored.
"If Brad Pitt were to say: 'Yes, I'm a good-looking fella,' then the world would nod sagely in agreement."...... because that is EXACTLY what she did, nothing more, nothing less.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:13, Reply)
She's so friggin hot!

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:10, Reply)
She looks like the blonde one out of Status Quo.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:17, Reply)
Who is she?
Can't be arsed to Google. And where's the ironic lunch thread?
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:19, Reply)


(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:22, Reply)

www.coll3ctive.co.uk/fail/
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:30, Reply)
Ha ha. Excellent.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:35, Reply)
That what I meant by "go fuck yourself"

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:27, Reply)
poor thing
it makes me thank my lucky stars everytime someone crosses themselves and spits on my hideous form, every time a small child cries 'mummy! it's a monster!' as I walk past, I will pray that I will never be saddled with the curse of beauty
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:14, Reply)
It is indeed a heavy burden to bear.
*ridiculously good looking*
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:27, Reply)
wait a minute!
YOU are Samantha Brick!!!!
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:30, Reply)
No, she's taller.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:30, Reply)
Heh.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:36, Reply)
chicks hate her though.
And chicks dig me.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:33, Reply)
Dozer, earlier:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2124400/Adam-Levine-Anne-Vyalitsyna-break-Maroon-5-star-shaves-head-split-model.html
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:42, Reply)
actually, I shaved my head on Sunday.

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:56, Reply)
makes me proud to be female
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2029781/I-use-sex-appeal-ahead-work--does-ANY-woman-sense.html
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:50, Reply)
It's not an entirely slow news day
We are set to lose more of our civil liberties to make us all "safer"
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-17601594
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:25, Reply)
I AINT GOT NUFFIN TO HIDE SAH I AINT WORID

(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:32, Reply)
I'm not usually one for a fb campaign
But the one encouraging everyone to cc all their emails to Theresa May for a day amused me.
(, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:36, Reply)

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