What strange tasks should I ask my new PA to undertake for me?
Must not be sexual or anything that would get me fired.

Alt: If you were to arrange a bash, where would it be and what would you plan?

Please note: this question does not ask about lunch, as you're all a bunch of lardies who could do with skipping a few meals.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:51, 131 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

I'm really hungry now.
I think you should treat your staff with respect.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:53, Reply)

I certainly respect her for coming back after her first day.
Seriously - I treat my staff well. I wouldn't last in my job if I didn't.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:56, Reply)

In that case get her to get things off high shelves for you.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:57, Reply)

High shelves for him?
Or just high shelves in general.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:11, Reply)

Ask her to alphabetise some files, then when shes done insist it's done the other way around
Alt: The Alien Experince thing at the Trocodero in the 90's as i never got to go.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:55, Reply)

you should get him to take over your b3ta account for a while

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:56, Reply)

This is a rubbish question
as the only tasks any of us are remotely interested in having you set your PA are the ones which would get you fired.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:56, Reply)

You should get them to carry you around on their shoulders
so that you can look people in the eye.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:56, Reply)

ask it to perform electronic sound amplification?

( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:56, Reply)

Ask her to pen an email for you, then just start reciting lyrics to something ridiculous, but in a perfectly sensible voice. 'Bohemian Rhapsody' would work well for this.
Alt: Have done before. The next one is going to be at either The Gas Lamp, or The Briton's Protection, haven't decided yet.

Alt Alt: Lasagne
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:58, Reply)

Are those in "the north"?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 11:59, Reply)

Both in Manchester, yes

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:00, Reply)

Soz, i'm out
probably best call the whole thing off
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:02, Reply)

Ask her to get you a holographic Tupac by close of business.
Alt: Have done and will do again. This year's 'Stunned/Monty Bidet Bash' will not be at Monty's Bar, though. That bent 'stani got on my DDs.

Alt alt: Says Tubby the fucking Tuba.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:00, Reply)

AltAlt: Where are you shoplifting your lunch from today?

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:01, Reply)

Your PA's bag.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:01, Reply)

One of your restaurants.
I plan to leave a 'dirty protest' in the khazi too, along with a confession note signed by 'you'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:02, Reply)

I leave a dirty protest everytime I visit a site. I am visiting 5 restaurants this Friday, so I'd better have a large curry on Thursday.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:06, Reply)

Hahaha
Thermos of naga-infused Mulligatawny on hand at all times.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:08, Reply)

i would like to have a bash at my house
you could all come over and we'd play scalextric and eat those little cheese biscuits in the sshape of fish

i'd get 2 bottles of cream soda, that might not be enough for everyone but i don't want any accidents
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:01, Reply)

Basingstoke won't know what hit it

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:03, Reply)

draw a picture of a horse.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:02, Reply)

now what?

        (\(\_
      _.o o`\\\\
     ("_     ))))
      '---'  ((((          .=,
          )   )))___.-""-./=;\\\
         /    (((         \  ))))
        ;                  | |//
        /\          |      | ((
       (  \    /__.-'\    /   )
      / /` |  /    \  \  |
     / /   \ ;      \ (\ (
     \\_    ||       || ||
      \_]   ||       || ||
        /_

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:03, Reply)

I don't believe she drew that.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:04, Reply)

oh sorry i didn't realise you meant his PA should draw a horse as you didn't say that
be clearer from now on please, i put alot of effort into that horse
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:05, Reply)

it's a good horse.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:13, Reply)

masterbate into a cup while thinking about the horse and singing "i love horses best of all the animals" at the top of your voice
then have a little cry
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:04, Reply)

thanks
and now what?
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:05, Reply)

DYAAKY

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:07, Reply)

is he from N-Dubz?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:11, Reply)

you could be in N-Dubz I reckon

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:16, Reply)

Send her down to the stores for a wank
If she says she doesn't want a wank, tell her "Don't worry, the boys do."

Alt: I'd organise a fantastic bash at the pier in Weston, with chips and crazy golf and sandcastle competitions. However, people are bent and wouldn't want to come, so I won't bother.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:02, Reply)

try organising it somewhere a little less shit

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:05, Reply)

Try being a little less homosexual.

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:05, Reply)

That's the least of his problems.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:06, Reply)

*bums less vigorously*
happy now?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:06, Reply)

less

*runs away turns away runs away turns away runs away*
( Reginald Donkeyfuck, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:12, Reply)

i like crazy golf, i'd come

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:07, Reply)

It;'s not golf for people with serious mental health issues QO

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:09, Reply)

foiled again

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:10, Reply)

Ask her to get a 'short' list together of all the built-up shoe retailers in your area.
If you haven't already done this, of course.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:03, Reply)

Then all of the 'Mini' garages in the area

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:05, Reply)

Ask her to see if the local Volvo garage does cushions for cupholders.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:06, Reply)

and buy a book collecting the speeches of 'Nicolas Sarkozy'

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:06, Reply)

I have always looked up to him.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:07, Reply)

Ask her to get you a DVD of 'Napoleon' Dynamite

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:06, Reply)

You'd only get fired if the bitch squweels like a pig, which you'd have only yourself to blame, for not doing a good enough job at humilating and threatening her.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:15, Reply)

Also, I've just found a massive security flaw in one of the biggest forum softwares there is.
lol, *gains superadmin rights*
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:16, Reply)

how's the corporate take over going?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:16, Reply)

I just donno at the moment.
seems alright this week.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:19, Reply)

anyone know anything about audio equipment?
I'm looking for an ipod dock with radio, any brand suggestionns or good websites to search?

KTHXBY
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:20, Reply)

yes
Don't use iPods, the sound quality is shit.

Hope this helps.

Xxxxx
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:24, Reply)

I appreciate this, however I don't give a shit as I'm not going to buy hundreds of cd's or vinyl

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:25, Reply)

There are much better MP3 players on the market.
I really do have no idea why anybody still buys iPods. The only thing they do better is storage space. Everything else about them, except their design, is shoddy as fuck. And they require iTunes, which is one of the worst pieces of software ever.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:31, Reply)

Out of professional curiousity
what is it you do with mp3s that iTunes is so bad at?
( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:35, Reply)

I hate itunes with all my being

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:36, Reply)

Why?

( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:36, Reply)

because it is fiddly, over complicated, deletes random songs, can't recognise duplicates etc etc

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:38, Reply)

Hm, I'm never had any of those problems with it.
It's bloaty and the navigation isn't brilliant, but it's not the worst piece of software I've used. Not by any means.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:40, Reply)

It's aggressive updates piss me off.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:42, Reply)

Yeah, that does get on my tits a bit,
but then I don't have it constantly running.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:42, Reply)

MSdos is probably worse for the casual user

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:42, Reply)

Do people still use MSDOS?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:44, Reply)

Not really, no
The CLI used to be a version of DOS, but nowadays it's distinct and only shares the look.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:47, Reply)

no idea, ws just something that seems harder to use than itunes

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:48, Reply)

My lovely, amazing, sadly deceased Sony MP3 player
used Sonic Stage, which is by far the shittest piece of software anywhere. For some reason it decided to convert every6 piece of music to atrac as well, which meant it was completely incompatible with anything.

I hate to say it, but itunes has been okay in my experience. And I love my little ipod.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:47, Reply)

See, I think it's perfectly ok, too.
Since loading itunes, I've not used anything else. All I need it to do is rip and synch with my phone though. Ah well.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:51, Reply)

SonicStage was hideous
As is iTunes
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:54, Reply)

The whole thing with duplicates really pisses me off.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:43, Reply)

how hard can it be
"no itunes, just becasue a song has the same name doesn't mean it's a duplicate you cunt"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:46, Reply)

I have the reverse problem - I have ended up with duplicates in the iTunes library and can't remove them.
Tried everything I can think of.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:47, Reply)

You can click show duplicates in the file menu
but then you have to delete them by hand
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:49, Reply)

I have 7000 songs, of which about 4000 are duplicates.
Apparently these is some cheap software you can buy where you export your library and it will sort it all for you and you then re-import a tidied library. I don't know what is called.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:53, Reply)

Or you could go to the folder in which the songs are kept
and manually delete the duplicates, then refresh the library. That way you wouldn't have to spend any money at all.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:55, Reply)

drag and drop and no vast bloatware.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:43, Reply)

Depends on how much you wanna spend.
I really really like this one though: www.play.com/Electronics/Electronics/4-/27473614/JBL-OnBeat-Air-Innovative-Loudspeaker-Dock-For-iPod-iPhone-iPad-withAirPlay-Wireless-Technology/Product.html?searchstring=ipad+dock&searchsource=0&searchtype=allproducts&ob=3&urlrefer=search
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:29, Reply)

ta bud, far too much though, looking at £50-£100 maybe

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:30, Reply)

Philips Fidelio series are very good for the money.
www.amazon.co.uk/PHILIPS-DS3020-05-Fidelio-Portable/dp/B004ING3MO/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1334662437&sr=8-5
( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:34, Reply)

s good but needs MOAR radio

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:37, Reply)

Other models in the range have a radio.
They're very well reviewed.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:39, Reply)

for £100
Pure do a digital radio and ipod dock (contour) that's very good.

I've got the version that also runs internet radio because it will wirelessly stream from my music server but if you don't need that the base model is within your budget and sounds good.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:37, Reply)

I got a philips stremium
it was utter fucking shite.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:34, Reply)

Dear Naked Ape
I have taken the time to read your question and have noticed that you seek the dual functionality of an ipod dock and radio, perhaps for use in your kitchen? You can head bang to sepultura and dice the carrots at the same time. Given your budget the speakers will invariably be shit, why not go for a hassle free roberts.

Cheers m8
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:39, Reply)

Thanks Rory, your opinion is always valued

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:40, Reply)

Cheers blud
If you expand your budget you can always go for a marantz 502 which I use to cover a similar situation.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:43, Reply)

If I had the money, I'd totally BOSE my house up.
That would be awesome. I could listen to my shit music wherever I was.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:45, Reply)

I have a Bose sound dock - it's good, but not brilliant & the remote control eats batteries.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:46, Reply)

I'm talking about that £600 base station, £400 reciever setup.
Silly money, but if you're 'really into' music, it might be considered worth it.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:48, Reply)

My old mans got all that sonos set up through his gaff, he uses it to listen to the radio and that's about it

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:53, Reply)

Just as your neighbours had managed to forget the existence of Cyndi Lauper and T'pau...

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:47, Reply)

Barry's your man for annoying your neighbours with music.
He finds 4am is a good time if you really want to piss them off.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:49, Reply)

Seriously?
My music is shit, but not that shit.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:52, Reply)

Parachutes is at the cutting edge of your collection

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:56, Reply)

That's an album, isn't it?
I recognise the name, but I don't know who it was. Coldplay?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:03, Reply)

You're fooling nobody with this routine

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:08, Reply)

I'd liek an itergrated music/computer and TV system throughout the house

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:02, Reply)

That's easy enough, Apers.
I've got something like that in my flat, jury-rigged from odds and ends.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:04, Reply)

remember the curtain incident?
and the inability to use itunes properly?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:06, Reply)

It's honestly Ape-proof.
The biggest expense would be a NAS box and the drives to put in it, but you could bypass that if you're happy to have the power consumption of a proper PC going whilst you're in another room.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:09, Reply)

Nas is a rapper and Drives are people that take you home after a piss up in Bristol...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:16, Reply)

£200 an hour plus expenses
and I'll do it for you.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:18, Reply)

Can you sort the curatin as well?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:27, Reply)

Yes
but I shan't.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 14:37, Reply)

I've got a mac mini to do that
Runs as a wireless music server and is hardwired to my AV amp in the living room.

why, yes, I do like the company of gentlemen, now you ask.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:49, Reply)

Does PA mean a skivvy, who does whatever you requeat?
I'd have a bash in Fez, one of the lovliest places on the planet. It would involve massive drugs, alcohol and local kebabs.
Back to the real world, lunch is pepporoni pizza, chips and salad.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:21, Reply)

fat cunt

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:22, Reply)

I'm eating salad.
What's the problem?
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:26, Reply)

Neads moar baked potatoes and rice on the side.
And bread.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:08, Reply)

ask her to choose a really nice present for your LOVELY online friend, rachelswipe
i did arrange a bash, in london, with rakky. about 40-50 b3tans* came and we had a great time. i would consider doing it again. maybe somewhere horrifically cheesy, like on one of those disco boats.

i am thinking about a falafel wrap from the restaurant downstairs. falafel with sour cream, cheddar, salsa and then you choose up to 3 salads to have with it. thanks for asking.


*on reflection i was utterly cunted. someone who was more sober might be more specific. monty, that does NOT include you. you were more cunted than i was.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:46, Reply)

I have no interest in your lunch.
So I'm out.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:48, Reply)

well i haven't gone downstairs yet
i am still open to suggestions
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:49, Reply)

Can't have been that great, I wasn't there.

( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:50, Reply)

you seemed relatively popular actually
by which i mean nobody slagged you off
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:52, Reply)

On the popularity seesaw, I am neither on the high end, nor the low end.
but that's because I'm sitting under the slide on the other side of the playground crying because nobody knows my name.
( Kroney, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:54, Reply)

And they're always glad you came.

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:57, Reply)

That's just the way life is, Kroney.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:28, Reply)

I had a very nice time at your b4sh, and would deffo attend another.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:00, Reply)

I was higher than several kites that evening.
Sorry.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:26, Reply)

I wasn't there
and therefore the event was fundementally lacking a certain je ne sais quoi. Possibly a drunk badger.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:29, Reply)

it would have been immeasurably improved by your presence, mein lieb

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:39, Reply)

I'm a terrible bash deserter.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:50, Reply)

ask her for a game of darts.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:47, Reply)

Alright MMPS?
Your suggestion wins.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:48, Reply)

smashing, glad I could help!

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 12:52, Reply)

top work there mumpers.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:31, Reply)

are you suggesting that he has enormous swollen testicles?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:33, Reply)

I've heard he's packing the kind of hot sauce delivery system that could keep any woman satisfied.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:39, Reply)

IT'S ONLY FUCKING MMPSPSMMM!!!!!!!
Hello there.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:15, Reply)

tell her you're not sure the door is hung straight
Have her stand in front of it and lean imperceptibly to the left. Then to the right. The goal is to quit just BEFORE she accuses you of taking the piss. It requires a good read of body language and a steady nerve. And a straight face.

My best is six.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:03, Reply)

I'd have a masquerade ball.

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:13, Reply)

sick burn

(PsychoChomp, Tue 17 Apr 2012, 13:19, Reply)