years ago I fed my dog
some blue mouth sweets, the lovely ones that turn you mouth bright blue

my dad asked me what I had been feeding the dog I told him about the sweets

he told me not to do it again as it had turned the dogs shit bright green
( Wildheart Baby. Drunken Mess In A Good Way, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:23, Reply)

When I was 9 me and my family
went on holiday to Tunisia, after a week of there torturous food my intestines had had enough, one afternoon whilst I was in the kids pool I farted but to my disbelief I had managed to spread my man manure every where
(NO_I'M_BRIAN_BLESSED, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:22, Reply)

ok. get this.
About 6 weeks ago my mate and I were invited for dinner at a friends house. Dinner lovely. Lots of booze. Late at night and very pissed we called cabs. Mine came first, mate ( he says) was too impatient and decided to walk the streets looing for cab.

Then the shits hit him. Not being able to find anywhere open, and drunkenly incontinent he shat himself. Had to walk for an hour in the cold with warm poo from enormous dinner dribbling down his leg.

How do I know?

He lost his keys and had to come to my place.

If he hadnt smelt so bad I would have shat myself laughing.
(kunti lala if we can't be free can we at least be cheap., Thu 6 May 2004, 13:20, Reply)

YAY!!
I have several stories. Once I drunk approx 3 litres of red wine, smoked loads of weed and drunk countless beers. Needless to say I was thoroughly cunted and in my semi concious state, honked a beautiful lilac vom. The following morning I had a dump which was the oddest grey colour and needed copious wipes to remove klingons.

On another occasion I was at a 21st birthday party in a pub and spent the entire night drinking Guinness. At kicking out time I discovered that I had spent all of my meagre amount of wedge and didn't have enough for the ride home. This meant that I had to walk the four miles home, which ordinarily isn't much of a problem. However large volumes of strong beer have a rather laxative effect on me and within a short while I was walking with my arse cheeks squeezed tightly together in an effort to hold back the eventual flood. I realised that I would not get home without releasing the hostage so I searched for scraps of paper to use as makeshift arsewipes. this search was fruitless until I spied on the forecourt of a petrol station, a large roll of paper towelling. I ran as fast as I could with arse clenched and grabbed about 6 meters of paper before heading off down the subway where there was a plastic waste bin which was a very convenient receptacle for the gallon or so of tar that sprayed forth from my ringpiece. This was the most satisfying turnout I have ever had in my entire life and it had my brother rolling on the floor laughing for ages.
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:17, Reply)

Students = Shit
Two tales of being a student in Nottingham

1) Taking a shit in the Mens urinal - one lad watching on the door, one lad shitting in the urinal (either one of the single "potties" or one of the "trench" type ones). This is perhaps THE FUNNIEST THING ive ever seen/done

2) Half fill a bucket of water. Get all your mates to shit into it, preferabbly after a bit of bran/fat eating so they are solid logs. (about 10 will do) then pour bucket into Pub toilet. Cue MUCH hilarity when people go into the toilets and come out scatching their heads and wondering how one person could have done all those logs in one sitting.
(DrTchock reporting live from the White Chocolate Farm, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:16, Reply)

More poos
When I was about 8 or 9 I did a completely green poo. Vivid green, not any of your spinach-based poo nonsense. It was as a result of a whole load of peppermint creams from a church fete, I think, which were a nice green colour too.

Fast forward to my 20th birthday. The night before I spent at a friend's house, watching the last film of my teenage years (Evil Dead II) and eating a particularly tasty curry. Out clubbing on my birthday, all is well. On the way back from club to house, start feeling a little ripe - maybe that curry wasn't so great. A little further, experience what I can only describe as a squishy fart - realise what's occuring. Get to his flat and empty out - sadly the bathroom in his flat opened out onto his livingroom so all the people we were out with could experience the stench. Make my excuses and get back to my place, and spend the following 24 hours dashing to the bog.

The consistency was like corn flakes in faecal milk. Definitely the worst.

My only other poo story was getting arseholed on free champagne and wine at a certain media industry 'thing' and instead of getting to meet a hero I emptied my innards (both ends) on the floor in the gents. Nice.
( Irregular Shed is trying to remember what it is he does, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:15, Reply)

toilet explosion
My mate was in halls in his first year and one night his en suite toilet (otherwise known as the pod) decided to erupt causing the entire contents of the surrounding waste pipes to be emptied on to his bedroom carpet in a thin, slurry like covering. His girlfriend who was staying the night was less than impressed but luckily they realised before getting out of bed without putting shoes on.
(purpleronnie82, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:14, Reply)

Yet another university caper
I was out on the lash with one of my mates, we were pretty drunk, my mate needed a shit but all the toilets were shut and we were a distance from the pub. He nipped behind the bush squatted and had a shit. About five minutes later we sat down in the pub. As soon as my mate sat down he stood up again straight away. In squatting he had managed to shit into his trousers round his ankles. He left looking rather akward.

EDIT: its amazing how all these stories are about someone else
(monkeyinasuit, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:12, Reply)

Train turd bomb
Our village has an old fashioned level crossing with gates and a station master. On their way home from school, my little brother and friends would take turns to fill up the toilet with their dirty mess.
Someone would be looking out the window and shout NOW as the train entered the station and passed over the level crossing. Kilos of turd would be dropped from the full bowl, covering the level crossing.
Commuters would have to dodge the turds, cars would spread it all over the road, then the station master would have to scrape it up with his special spade. This happened almost daily.
(mrdirtylegs, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:09, Reply)

my art teacher
back in the lower sixth was very odd.
he used to use dog shit as an artistic medium.
i have no idea if he still does that.
(moik, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:08, Reply)

Ooh...a game

The game is called 'Pootooth' and you need a Bluetooth mobile to do it.

take a picture of a Cuban Arse Cigar with your phone and save it. Then when you are in the pub, do a bluetooth search, see who you find and then send them a poo pic, via Bluetooth.

The first person who recives a pootooth and stands up freaked out or leaves is the winner. great game.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:07, Reply)

Shit, shit & more shit
As a young man I used tow work in a nightclub.

It was a ongong joke for the doormen to shit in the ice cube machines. The warmth of the freshly laid stool would melt the surrounfing ice and them become encased in its own ice/shit cocoon.

Another prank was to shit on a paper plate and throw it into the dancefloor

Oh you just can't beat bouncer humour can you
(kennyboy, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:06, Reply)

On honeymoon
In Grenada. Days of drinking. Really hungover. Having lunch. Wanted to break wind. Followed through. Wearing white shorts. Commando. Need I say more?
(>NARF! Quality WTF chimp action, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:05, Reply)

One's a story...
Number 1:

Right, at work we have got 3 cubicles and it was the Christmas party pre-bash of drinking before going out.

I was sitting in the left one, Managing Director in the middle and Ollie went on the right after the MD closed the door.

I let of a bit of a fart and pooped a fat one which stank, and my MD tutted...then quick as a flash Ollie shouts.

"An now...in STEREO!"

And does the loudest, stinkiest fart followed by loads of bum cigars falling out his arse sploshing all the way with added knucnkle biting sounds and parps.

"Ah...Neptune's kiss..." He said after as the boss ran out the toilets feeling sick from the smell! *Neptune's kiss is the water that spashes up your jaxie after.

Lets just say the MD gave Ollie dirty looks for about 5 months after!

Cheers
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:03, Reply)

Back at Uni
First year halls.

I awoke to the sound of knocking on the door of my room. When I opened it, my mate (also called James) said, 'Jeem, you've got to see this!'

As it turned out, someone - still unknown to this day - had emptied his back at astonishing velocity in our loos.
to summarise the scene, it looked like someone had dropped a banger into a bottle of chocolate Frijj, dropped it in the toilet, put the lid down and ran!
The whole bowl was covered in a brown smelly film, unflushed, and to make it worse - not a sign of toilet paper!

Think we flushed it from a distance with a stick in the end.

Weet
( Weetobix, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:03, Reply)

Yop makes you shit yourself
When on a family holiday to Mallorca circa 1993 me and my brother had tired of guzzling litre bottles of Strawberry flavoured Yop and wandering the streets of Cala Dor so we decided a game of pool was called for..my brother proceeded to whip me as per fucking usual but obviously got himself far too excited and promptly followed through after a particulary violent,Yop induced guff. His face, as he stood there in shitted swimming shorts with poo sliding down his leg, will stay with me till my dying day
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:01, Reply)

party pooper
a few years ago, in my early teens, i held a party. 1 alcopop, and everyone was totally hammered, including one girl who was a friend of a friend. she went into my bathroom to vom in the lav [good girl], but simultaneously shat. up my wall. i don't know why she took her pants off, but my mother was pretty annoyed when she got home...
(nutsy_, Thu 6 May 2004, 13:00, Reply)

guinness
gives you big long black poos....
with white ends hehehe
( St3cks, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:59, Reply)

Picture the scene ...
summer of 1975 ... a small boy is frollicking on the sea shore in the north of england; bollock nekkid and knee deep in the icy waters of the north sea. Daddy decides to chase the small boy and splash him with the water (did I mention it was icy?). Boy gets hysterically excited and runs away through the (icy) water. Daddy being several times as tall as the small boy has no trouble keeping up, grabs the small boy by his arms, swings him up into the sky and sends an arc of unexpected number ones and twos soaring through the summer air. (Fortunately the number ones were dispersed by the brisk and icy north sea wind and the bulk of the number twos landed on a dog that didn't belong to either the small boy or his father).
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:53, Reply)

my mate
Got another one my mate was buying something from someone in his flat and he went to the bog to take a dookie and it was so huge that it wouldn't go away so he got the aerial from the radio next to him and chopped up the shite and then popped the aerial back without cleaning it grubby bugger.
(chossy, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:51, Reply)

American poo story
Used to go to the Le Mans 24 hour race every year. The Portaloos provided by the french left a lot to be desired as they are the "hole in the ground with a pair of raised pedestals for you to stand on" type.
Imagine our delight as an American chap in perfectly pressed white T-shirt, cap, shorts, socks and trainers strides out of the loo, looking both relieved and pleased with a job well done. We were delighted because he'd shit all down the back of his leg / sock / trainer and didn't realise.
Excellent!
( A Lurker jacked up on B3ta on, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:50, Reply)

Me dog, bless 'im
did a crap in the back yard. On bending down to pick it up, I noticed lots of white lines in it, so called for a second opinion.

Me and the wife, having a real good look at this phenomenon wondering if it was worms or something.

Had to do the dirty, plastic bag on hand, pick it up and squish it to see what happened.

It finally dawned on us that it was the lattice 'bag' thing put on meat to hold it together that the 'scamp' had pinched from the waste bin.

Oh how we laughed.
(The real vlad the impala, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:50, Reply)

Where do I begin
Last time I went back to see my parents, I saw my cat in the garden, I picked him up, he shat on my t-shirt.
I was staying with my sister for my annual London holidays as a teenager, they just got a new cat, it shat everywhere, I once woke up with a turd on my duvet. He also managed to have a go on all the lounge beanbags, unfortuantely when you are drunk, and you see a guy lounging next to a turd, you don't tell them you just keep laughing.
(albator, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:47, Reply)

I used to work for a large insurance firm.....
who were relocating to another part of the country and consequently making lots of people redundant. This not being a popular act among the staff had spawned a variety of acts of defiance over the previous week or two mostly centred around the ladies toilets on the 3rd floor, flooding them, covering them (literally) with ketchup, it all appeared to have died down though.

Cue friday afternoon, I walk into the first (smaller) cubicle of a two cubicle loo. Sit down and commence relieving myself. As I sit down I hear a friend walk in, enter the cubicle, and then (loudly) "OH SHIT!".

"What?! Are you alright?"

"No" she says, "I mean literally, and I'm wearing sandals"

I almost vomited. Transpires someone had left a large steaming heap directly in front of the door. Being as the cubicle was 5ft long was NO chance of an accident.

She had to wash her feet and have her shoes (and the toilet cubicle and sink she washed in) disinfected by the cleaner.

Funnily enough they came down pretty hard on the acts of protest after that.

Mary Magdalen
(mary magdalen, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:44, Reply)

Poo Poo Padoo
When in University Halls of residence my mate Rob came up and drank himself blind on vodka. I left him at 4 in the morning being sick in my sink. Waking up at 9 I found him gone and headed over to my friends corridor to go to town. There on the floor ourside my friends corridor was the largest pile of slushy runny man crap it's ever been my misfortune to wintess....my initial thought was 'Jesus I hope that wasn't Rob'. Everybody was very cross about this faecal intrusion so I kept my concerns to myself.

Later that evening I questioned Robert regarding said turd which he vehemently denied...but soon he began to giggle and confessed 'yes boss that was me, I couldn't find the bog so I crapped on the floor wiped my arse on my sock and phoned a taxi'.

The strange thing is I felt enormously proud of him. Eventually the mound was removed leaving only a brown stain and a vaguely vomitous stench, somebody left a note saying. 'For God's sake don't stand here some wanker shit on the floor, we hate whoever did it but love whoever cleaned it up'.

Rob I love you for this.
(tigercrocodile, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:44, Reply)

dog / poo embarassment
Mates wife is a proper socialist Guardianista, which is fine. She's as broadminded as the next girl.
When we first met her she had a Heinz57 dog which she loved dearly, but he was forever pushing his luck. He used to go balistic at the site of black people, or people in crash helmets. He would eat absolutely anything, and consequently every walk would envolve the shame (for her) of him eating his own turds as soon as he'd done them. Don't know what the health implications are of an animal whose digestive processes have gone completely closed-loop?
( A Lurker jacked up on B3ta on, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:43, Reply)

Sort of dump related..
Smashed out of me skull (@ age of 47 - disgraceful) at a Christmas night do at aunt Sheila's. Ready to puke, but when I do, I have to dump as well - not dump really, sluice.
Sat there with the world dropping out of me arse, and puke arrived - with no handy sink next to the crapper, only place was into my boxers.
Ok, I removed all the big bits when I had done, but pulling the damp keks back up was not one of my most enjoyable experiences.....
(The real vlad the impala, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:40, Reply)

More related fun
Twenty years ago I was at Poly. One of my mates was on a computing course and doing well. He had a mysterious interest in poo. Didn't want to do things with it, but all his favourite jokes and stories seemed to be poo related. He even used to keep us amused with a beautifully rendered cartoon strip about the adventures of "Super Sid the Shuffling Shit".
The farmhouse we all lived in had an outside loo and he was overjoyed when he discovered that you could lift up a paving slab and watch the freshly flushed turds hurrying past.
As a first year project he had to write a program that made one of those Wordsearch puzzles. Needless to say he had a version of it with more words for shit and shitting buried in it than I'd ever seen before.
He now works for Microsoft.
( A Lurker jacked up on B3ta on, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:37, Reply)

bloody arse///
never buy really cheap pasta sauce from hypervalue....had some in my more frugal days, and promptly thought i had dumped out my intestines, fairly realistic bloody colour to the stool....
(spankywerx, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:34, Reply)

Whilst at college....
.. I had a part-time job in the local pub. I had to work the Saturday morning shift and part of the shift ws to get in a couple of hours early to clean the pub before opening.
It was quite a nice pub, as the new owners had just finished a complete re-furb. The toilets were quite swanky, so it wasn't too much of a chore to clean them even with the mother of all hangovers!
One Saturday morning I went it to clean the gents loos and to my surprise and amazment, there in one of the cubicles was the biggest bum-nuts I had ever seen. Not only was it huge, floating and orange, but it looked exactly like a brain. Same shape, same size and same "bowl of noodles" markings. I had to call my co-workers in to have a butchers.
The Landlady deemed the toilet out of order, and said it wasn't to be used.
Out of curiosity at the end of the night I get in to see if it was still there. It has vanished! Either it sunk away of it's own accord or someone has stolen it and sent it to Ripley's "Believe it or not"!!
Soz for ramble!
(DirtyChurch, Thu 6 May 2004, 12:30, Reply)