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# Alan picks up a pink-handled toothbrush in the en-suite bathroom of a five-star hotel in the fashionable northern quarter of the city.

Alan is an enforcer for a large drug-running concern with interests in most of Western Europe. Peter is a money launderer and unfortunately for him, his foolish actions have been noticed by the higher-ups and this is where Alan comes in.
He turns and walks back into the bedroom and sits down opposite Peter, who is dressed only in his underpants and one sock. Alan is a big man, wearing a heavy car coat over a smart cheap suit, he looks like a football manager. Peter can smell engine oil as he sits down opposite, like the man spends a lot of time standing in garages. It opens up lots of worrying mental images. Another man, dressed like a sales rep, stands by the door to make sure Peter cannot run away.
Alan turns the toothbrush over in his hands for a moment, then reaches out and begins tapping Peter's left knee slowly and repeatedly with the bristle end. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
'I don't really understand why people think they can do what you've done, Peter.' Alan continues tapping the brush on Peter's knee.
'My job, you see, is very simple. The clue is in the name. Enforcer. I enforce. When somebody steps out of line, it is my job to make sure they see the error of their ways, do you understand?' He stops the slow rhythmic tapping and looks at Peter, who manages a nod. He starts tapping again. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
'Your job, is to make sure that the money our employers collect from their various enterprises cannot be easily traced back to them. It's a complicated job you have and one I have neither need nor care to understand. I do understand that you thought it was okay to take a lot of money from my employers and make it your own. I know this because our employers have accountants who keep an eye on people like you.'
He stops tapping and looks round the room. It is a twin room decorated in a clean minimal style echoed throughout the hotel. Peter's laptop sits on the bed beside him, the screensaver is a slow cascade of rainbow colours. He has already transferred funds equivalent to what he took, practically poked his fingers through the screen showing them it was complete. A text message five minutes later confirms the money is safe.
Alan looks at the toothbrush again, noticing that the bristles are damp. He gets up and walks to the wardrobe, then slides the door aside. Beside the complimentary bathrobes and the built-in safe a middle-aged woman in her underwear is sitting clutching her clothes and shoes. She blinks up at him.
'Get dressed. Don't get out of the wardrobe.' he says and slides the wardrobe door shut again. He goes to sit down in front of Peter again, listening to the clumsy bumping and shuffling in the wardrobe.
'Fucking hell, Peter. Now it's complicated. I hate complicated situations, Peter. Now I have to deal with that woman as well as you.' Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
Alan nods at the other man by the door. The other man goes to the window, taking a screwdriver out of his coat pocket. Seven floors up, the windows have a retaining bolt to stop them being opened too wide. He starts to unscrew the retaining bolt out of the window frame.
Alan drops the toothbrush and reaches up for Peter's head with both hands. He snaps Peter's neck easily and the man flops back onto the bed, breath heaving, eyes gaping. The other man at the window has removed the bolt and sets it down on the sill, swinging the window open wide.
' You're going out of the window, Peter. Sorry and all that, but you've been stupid and greedy and our employers won't have that sort of behaviour.' He reaches down for the toothbrush and picks it up.
'Get that and his phone, I'll get the woman.' He points to the laptop, then goes to the wardrobe. He slides the mirrored door open and is hit full on in the nose with the complimentary iron. Dazed, he sits back on the bed, blood flowing from his nose.
'Fuck..' manages the other enforcer before the iron glances off his left temple. He drops the laptop which lands edge on with a loud crack on the thin carpet, then he stumbles back through the open window. The laptop makes a harsh buzzing noise and begins to smoke.
The woman, her blouse on backwards and hair wildly stuck out to one side, stumbles from the wardrobe and drags the hotel room door open, before running out into the corridor screaming. Alan makes a wild grab as she passes, but misses and instead tips forward onto his knees. The complimentary ironing board tips down from it's storage bracket, driving a metal rod in the underside an inch into Alan's skull. Peter, still alive but paralysed can only stare as the now fiercely burning laptop sets light to the duvet.
(I helped save b3ta! Smallbrainfield, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:32, archived)
# Yet again, threadsave.
(I helped save b3ta! An Eagle in Your Mind, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:37, archived)
# fake! the laptop would have shut down form the overheating CPU before it would get hot enough to smoke

I'm loads of fun to go to the theatre with
(I helped save b3ta! PedroHin Come along & ride on a Flantastic Voyage, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:39, archived)
# It's a dodgy battery,
nothing to do with the CPU.
(I helped save b3ta! Smallbrainfield, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:40, archived)
# :/
I apologize, I should have known that you would have all of the plot holes and continuity irregularities in check. :)
(I helped save b3ta! PedroHin Come along & ride on a Flantastic Voyage, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:43, archived)
# Sounds like a fucking Acer laptop packing an AMD chip
In five minutes they get hotter than the surface of the sun those things...
(I helped save b3ta! number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:47, archived)
#

(I helped save b3ta! JollyJack - a stench from the past, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:43, archived)
# YES
(I helped save b3ta! Smallbrainfield, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:44, archived)
# This makes me want to read all that up there
but i cant be arsed
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:46, archived)
# It is a bit tl;dr but seriously, SBF should compile all these lovely stories, make a screenplay or something.
It'd be a lot like Chris Morris' Jam, I reckon.
(I helped save b3ta! Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:48, archived)
# what does tl;dr mean?
I thought it meant thread deleter.

Is he not just copying and pasting them from somewhere? He seems to type them out lightening quick, unless he types them out in advance...!
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:50, archived)
# Too long; didn't read
And I reckon he's written all of these in advance, but still...
(I helped save b3ta! Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:51, archived)
# excerpts from his upcoming biography perhaps
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:52, archived)
# I write them while I'm having a brew before work in a morning, then paste them up here when his nibs posts.
I've not got much more left as I'm getting bored doing it.
(I helped save b3ta! Smallbrainfield, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:57, archived)
# I'm like that
I enjoy it for a few days and then can't be bothered any more, like today.

I have to write a good one soon as I've promised to put one on the back of a t shirt for the b3ta auction
(I helped save b3ta! Wasp Box like a nervous random stranger at a glory hole, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:04, archived)
# Ha ha ha!
Someone's going to turn heads down the pub if they win the bid on that.
(I helped save b3ta! Smallbrainfield, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:08, archived)
# I suspect he writes one a day ready for the appropriate time
I do the same sometimes, but not always.
(I helped save b3ta! Wasp Box like a nervous random stranger at a glory hole, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:57, archived)
# Makes sense. Actually, yeah, he confirms it up there^
A lot of potential in these short stories, I must say.
(I helped save b3ta! Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:00, archived)
# ^this
(I helped save b3ta! dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Thu 8 Mar 2012, 16:17, archived)
# First three are here, the rest are timed to publish one per day.
talesfromtheb3tasite.blogspot.com/
(I helped save b3ta! Smallbrainfield, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:02, archived)
# ^this
I'm the laziest reader in the world
pictures ftw :)
(I helped save b3ta! hekim 66 ɐŹ‡Ęš’ ŹžÉ”nā„² uooW, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:51, archived)
# You're missing out
it's superb
(I helped save b3ta! fuscous, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:56, archived)
# Wonderful!
I can't be arsed today.

edit/ all right, just a quick one then
(I helped save b3ta! Wasp Box like a nervous random stranger at a glory hole, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:55, archived)
# Fucking
WOO
(I helped save b3ta! dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Thu 8 Mar 2012, 15:57, archived)