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# Jack Lemmon would like to know what I should draw today.

Yesterday's pic.
(I helped save b3ta! JollyJack - a stench from the past, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:26, archived)
# R2D2 masturbating over a pedal bin
with tits
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:27, archived)
# Poop Ship Destroyer
with tits
(I helped save b3ta! hekim 66 ɐŹ‡Ęš’ ŹžÉ”nā„² uooW, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:29, archived)
# A triangular devil staring at a lemon's penis.
Oh wait... never mind.
(I helped save b3ta! Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:31, archived)
# lemon knob!
(I helped save b3ta! g0atchild Is back and has been away since, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:31, archived)
# Ladyboy aliens
(I helped save b3ta! The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:32, archived)
# The top secret tits victims unit in Detroit breaks into the warehouse of a cult of sexy vampire nuns with tits
who are trying to create a race of super vampire nuns with tits through genetic engineering. Before the stu can arrest the sexy vampire nuns with tits, a wankfest happens that summons radioactive squids with tits that destroy Detroit

Oh yeah: the squids have tits

I call this masterpiece "Massive effects"
(cenaris Is dividing 3 by waffle, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:32, archived)
# Bindun by Atomic I reckon.
(I helped save b3ta! FeralCatMan Unusual disease collector., Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:16, archived)
# ...not.......yet...
(I helped save b3ta! atomic A-bomb-a-nation, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:22, archived)
# Not when it stars agents Titty Mcvitty and Jaime Clungehole it doesn't
(cenaris Is dividing 3 by waffle, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:41, archived)
#
(I helped save b3ta! hekim 66 ɐŹ‡Ęš’ ŹžÉ”nā„² uooW, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:50, archived)
# The radioactive squid (with tits) was a metaphor for the American motor trade
And the sexy vampires nuns with tits were just sexy vampires nuns with tits who spent in bad market shares.

The wank fest is where the stock market bombed
(cenaris Is dividing 3 by waffle, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 15:13, archived)
# something veiny
(I helped save b3ta! PedroHin Come along & ride on a Flantastic Voyage, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:32, archived)
# Jeeeze....give your penis a rest, boy.
(I helped save b3ta! atomic A-bomb-a-nation, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:09, archived)
# An old mans ankles?
(I helped save b3ta! FeralCatMan Unusual disease collector., Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:25, archived)
# Alan picks up a pink-handled toothbrush in the en-suite bathroom of a five-star hotel in the fashionable northern quarter of the city.

Alan is an enforcer for a large drug-running concern with interests in most of Western Europe. Peter is a money launderer and unfortunately for him, his foolish actions have been noticed by the higher-ups and this is where Alan comes in.
He turns and walks back into the bedroom and sits down opposite Peter, who is dressed only in his underpants and one sock. Alan is a big man, wearing a heavy car coat over a smart cheap suit, he looks like a football manager. Peter can smell engine oil as he sits down opposite, like the man spends a lot of time standing in garages. It opens up lots of worrying mental images. Another man, dressed like a sales rep, stands by the door to make sure Peter cannot run away.
Alan turns the toothbrush over in his hands for a moment, then reaches out and begins tapping Peter's left knee slowly and repeatedly with the bristle end. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
"I don't really understand why people think they can do what you've done, Peter." Alan continues tapping the brush on Peter's knee.
"My job, you see, is very simple. The clue is in the name. Enforcer. I enforce. When somebody steps out of line, it is my job to make sure they see the error of their ways, do you understand?" He stops the slow rhythmic tapping and looks at Peter, who manages a nod. He starts tapping again. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
"Your job, is to make sure that the money our employers collect from their various enterprises cannot be easily traced back to them. It's a complicated job you have and one I have neither need nor care to understand. I do understand that you thought it was okay to take a lot of money from my employers and make it your own. I know this because our employers have accountants who keep an eye on people like you."
He stops tapping and looks round the room. It is a twin room decorated in a clean minimal style echoed throughout the hotel. Peter's laptop sits on the bed beside him, the screensaver is a slow cascade of rainbow colours. He has already transferred funds equivalent to what he took, practically poked his fingers through the screen showing them it was complete. A text message five minutes later confirms the money is safe.
Alan looks at the toothbrush again, noticing that the bristles are damp. He gets up and walks to the wardrobe, then slides the door aside. Beside the complimentary bathrobes and the built-in safe a middle-aged woman in her underwear is sitting clutching her clothes and shoes. She blinks up at him.
"Get dressed. Don't get out of the wardrobe." he says and slides the wardrobe door shut again. He goes to sit down in front of Peter again, listening to the clumsy bumping and shuffling in the wardrobe.
"Fucking hell, Peter. Now it's complicated. I hate complicated situations, Peter. Now I have to deal with that woman as well as you." Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
Alan nods at the other man by the door. The other man goes to the window, taking a screwdriver out of his coat pocket. Seven floors up, the windows have a retaining bolt to stop them being opened too wide. He starts to unscrew the retaining bolt out of the window frame.
Alan drops the toothbrush and reaches up for Peter's head with both hands. He snaps Peter's neck easily and the man flops back onto the bed, breath heaving, eyes gaping. The other man at the window has removed the bolt and sets it down on the sill, swinging the window open wide.
" You're going out of the window, Peter. Sorry and all that, but you've been stupid and greedy and our employers won't have that sort of behaviour." He reaches down for the toothbrush and picks it up.
"Get that and his phone, I'll get the woman." He points to the laptop, then goes to the wardrobe. He slides the mirrored door open and is hit full on in the nose with the complimentary iron. Dazed, he sits back on the bed, blood flowing from his nose.
"Fuck.." manages the other enforcer before the iron glances off his left temple. He drops the laptop which lands edge on with a loud crack on the thin carpet, then he stumbles back through the open window. The laptop makes a harsh buzzing noise and begins to smoke.
The woman, her blouse on backwards and hair wildly stuck out to one side, stumbles from the wardrobe and drags the hotel room door open, before running out into the corridor screaming. Alan makes a wild grab as she passes, but misses and instead tips forward onto his knees. The complimentary ironing board tips down from it's storage bracket, driving a metal rod in the underside an inch into Alan's skull. Peter, still alive but paralysed can only stare as the now fiercely burning laptop sets light to the duvet.
(I helped save b3ta! Smallbrainfield, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:32, archived)
# Yet again, threadsave.
(I helped save b3ta! An Eagle in Your Mind, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:37, archived)
# fake! the laptop would have shut down form the overheating CPU before it would get hot enough to smoke

I'm loads of fun to go to the theatre with
(I helped save b3ta! PedroHin Come along & ride on a Flantastic Voyage, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:39, archived)
# It's a dodgy battery,
nothing to do with the CPU.
(I helped save b3ta! Smallbrainfield, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:40, archived)
# :/
I apologize, I should have known that you would have all of the plot holes and continuity irregularities in check. :)
(I helped save b3ta! PedroHin Come along & ride on a Flantastic Voyage, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:43, archived)
# Sounds like a fucking Acer laptop packing an AMD chip
In five minutes they get hotter than the surface of the sun those things...
(I helped save b3ta! number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:47, archived)
#

(I helped save b3ta! JollyJack - a stench from the past, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:43, archived)
# YES
(I helped save b3ta! Smallbrainfield, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:44, archived)
# This makes me want to read all that up there
but i cant be arsed
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:46, archived)
# It is a bit tl;dr but seriously, SBF should compile all these lovely stories, make a screenplay or something.
It'd be a lot like Chris Morris' Jam, I reckon.
(I helped save b3ta! Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:48, archived)
# what does tl;dr mean?
I thought it meant thread deleter.

Is he not just copying and pasting them from somewhere? He seems to type them out lightening quick, unless he types them out in advance...!
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:50, archived)
# Too long; didn't read
And I reckon he's written all of these in advance, but still...
(I helped save b3ta! Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:51, archived)
# excerpts from his upcoming biography perhaps
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:52, archived)
# I write them while I'm having a brew before work in a morning, then paste them up here when his nibs posts.
I've not got much more left as I'm getting bored doing it.
(I helped save b3ta! Smallbrainfield, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:57, archived)
# I'm like that
I enjoy it for a few days and then can't be bothered any more, like today.

I have to write a good one soon as I've promised to put one on the back of a t shirt for the b3ta auction
(I helped save b3ta! Wasp Box like a nervous random stranger at a glory hole, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:04, archived)
# Ha ha ha!
Someone's going to turn heads down the pub if they win the bid on that.
(I helped save b3ta! Smallbrainfield, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:08, archived)
# I suspect he writes one a day ready for the appropriate time
I do the same sometimes, but not always.
(I helped save b3ta! Wasp Box like a nervous random stranger at a glory hole, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:57, archived)
# Makes sense. Actually, yeah, he confirms it up there^
A lot of potential in these short stories, I must say.
(I helped save b3ta! Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:00, archived)
# ^this
(I helped save b3ta! dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Thu 8 Mar 2012, 16:17, archived)
# First three are here, the rest are timed to publish one per day.
talesfromtheb3tasite.blogspot.com/
(I helped save b3ta! Smallbrainfield, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:02, archived)
# ^this
I'm the laziest reader in the world
pictures ftw :)
(I helped save b3ta! hekim 66 ɐŹ‡Ęš’ ŹžÉ”nā„² uooW, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:51, archived)
# You're missing out
it's superb
(I helped save b3ta! fuscous, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:56, archived)
# Wonderful!
I can't be arsed today.

edit/ all right, just a quick one then
(I helped save b3ta! Wasp Box like a nervous random stranger at a glory hole, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:55, archived)
# Fucking
WOO
(I helped save b3ta! dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Thu 8 Mar 2012, 15:57, archived)
# Vikings on quadbikes
(benito vaselini no not that one, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:33, archived)
# this one will win, i think.
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:34, archived)
# I also think this will win, that said....
www.b3ta.com/board/10711737

...so you never know.
(I helped save b3ta! Smallbrainfield, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:39, archived)
# i found hulk hogan on quadbikes
i think it should win
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:41, archived)
# Is that thing the thing that got it's knob shot off in Sin City?
(I helped save b3ta! An Eagle in Your Mind, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:33, archived)
# Vicarious vikings.
Sexy vicarious vikings.
(I helped save b3ta! Mr. Johnson, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:33, archived)
# The seediest boxer in the world.
(I helped save b3ta! The Silent Channel is getting his recommended 5-a-day, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:35, archived)
# A hedgehog of your own choice for the compo
with tits
(I helped save b3ta! hekim 66 ɐŹ‡Ęš’ ŹžÉ”nā„² uooW, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:35, archived)
# Sexy astronauts
each with 2 chest mounted space helmets to contain their large boobs. They have visors so you can see their nips pressed on the glass.

Please. Its the only way i can get an erection.
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:36, archived)
# *nose gushes with blood* o________o
(I helped save b3ta! Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:38, archived)
# ...from a severe paedological sex-beating, according to some on here who misunderstand
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:39, archived)
# Haha!
(I helped save b3ta! Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:42, archived)
# ha ha ha!!
(I helped save b3ta! PedroHin Come along & ride on a Flantastic Voyage, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:40, archived)
# Actually, I think this will win.
But who knows what milkshake Alberto Frog will choose?
(I helped save b3ta! Smallbrainfield, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:43, archived)
# hm - dunno
i think he's trying to shake his 'things with tits' image on here, by mixing it up with respectable comic / fantasy art, with the occasional bit of filth and / or yiffery.

Be nice if it did though. I'd do it myself if i wasnt so shite at drawing
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:47, archived)
# And I'd have a go as well if I wasn't tied down with drawing Moggy's mole with tits.
Something I've just noticed, she has MASSIVE hands, and only 3 fingers on each hand. Bizarre.
(I helped save b3ta! Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:50, archived)
# Fuck - is she tetsuo or something? All mutated and that? Ive known moles grow hairs, but hands...?
PS - my professional experience working on kids tv, and character design in general has taught me that characters with 3 fingers, rather than 4 is a no-no in japan due to the whole yakuza thing.
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:57, archived)
# Reminds me of Hsien-Ko from Darkstalkers, to be brutally honest.
In fact, it almost seems Moggy took inspiration from Hsien-Ko.

Fuck knows what I'm going to draw in response to that picture last night.
(I helped save b3ta! Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:59, archived)
# You have to build this in 3D
If you build it, they will come.
(I helped save b3ta! Smallbrainfield, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:59, archived)
# hahaha
Its a long time to spend on a silly idea like that though.
I DO need more humourous pics in my portfolio though. Hmmm *pastes suggestion in my ideas file*
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:02, archived)
#
Of all the possible space suit related naughtiness you could come up with, that's it?
(I helped save b3ta! JollyJack - a stench from the past, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:49, archived)
# I could come up with much naughtier
but this is more original. Ive never seen spacewomen with pressurised tit-helmets before.
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:51, archived)
# I thought it was going to be 'They' by Jem, which also features a stripping astronaut. ;)
(I helped save b3ta! Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:52, archived)
# oooo
i bought my mate an original pencil sketch of Jem as a present the other day. Well - its for him and his missus, as they both strangely like Jem :-D
Got it from a comic convention, where they were also selling shitloads of original cels from the ghostbusters and ewoks cartoons, as well as he-man and bravestarr

EDIT - *googles* - oh. Its some band, not the 80s girl's cartoon.
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:59, archived)
# 80s cartoon... this one?
www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5cBWsGtfJM&feature=related

And yes, this is the only reason I know what Jem is in terms of the cartoon.
(I helped save b3ta! Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:04, archived)
# Yup.
Damn those futurecops for always stealing 80s cartoons / anime in their videos!
Its got a pretty badass theme tune:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNqrWm1M3Sc
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:07, archived)
# Most 80s cartoons had badass theme tunes ;D
Shame I only really caught a few of these cartoons when they were re-run during the 90s.
(I helped save b3ta! Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:11, archived)
# Dunno about theme tunes, but they had ace visuals :D
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ra5G5hkvuzI&feature=related
(I helped save b3ta! JollyJack - a stench from the past, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:17, archived)
#
Animation purists like John K might lambast 80s cartoons and their lack of classic style (like hanna barberra, fleischer etc), but i loved them. They were usually really well animated (well - in terms of fluidity and the still frame/ movement ratio) and nice and chunky compared to cartoons these days.
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:23, archived)
# what lully csl's she has
(I helped save b3ta! hekim 66 ɐŹ‡Ęš’ ŹžÉ”nā„² uooW, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:25, archived)
# An iron snogging Simon Weston
(I helped save b3ta! Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:51, archived)
# hahaha
with tits
(I helped save b3ta! hekim 66 ɐŹ‡Ęš’ ŹžÉ”nā„² uooW, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:52, archived)
# ouch
hot stuff!
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:53, archived)
# GuiltyLOLs
(I helped save b3ta! Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:55, archived)
# a terrified accountant being dragged away from his desk by his boss
with tits.
(I helped save b3ta! discomeats This canoe, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:51, archived)
# I might save that idea for one of my "special" comics....
(I helped save b3ta! JollyJack - a stench from the past, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:55, archived)
# \o/
:D
(I helped save b3ta! discomeats This canoe, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:56, archived)
# Squirrels with tits that are stuck in the Aperture science portal test lab
(I helped save b3ta! Paul_P http://www.Paul-hub.com, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:55, archived)
# Where is she?
(I helped save b3ta! atomic A-bomb-a-nation, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 13:59, archived)
# in before moggy
(I helped save b3ta! taters Bah weep grahnah weep ninibong, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:04, archived)
# I only come here for the Moggy.
(I helped save b3ta! atomic A-bomb-a-nation, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:05, archived)
# *checks cupboards, crawl spaces, under the bed, etc.* Not here... yet...
(I helped save b3ta! Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:05, archived)
# Not even under the bed?...omg...
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER JOLLY JACK?
(I helped save b3ta! atomic A-bomb-a-nation, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:07, archived)
# 2nd line of the 2nd verse in the Rammstein song: Ich Tu Dir Weh
The line being: "Stacheldraht im Harnkanal"
(I helped save b3ta! Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:05, archived)
# pffft
(I helped save b3ta! mediocre ha ha ha, you're reading this, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 15:08, archived)
# ahahaha
lemon dick
(Rattlehead all time with the gay, forever touching, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:07, archived)
# but seriously
how about guybrush threepwood beating the shit out of captain jack sparrow
(Rattlehead all time with the gay, forever touching, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:08, archived)
# THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS
(I helped save b3ta! Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:48, archived)
# ^What he said.
Guybrush Threepwood is a REAL pirate.
(I helped save b3ta! Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:49, archived)
# WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE KEEP FUCKING ASKING ME ABOUT FUCKING LOOM
Okay, which one of you cunts pinned this badge on me while I was asleep?
(I helped save b3ta! drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:59, archived)
# Hermann Goering
gently rubbing massage oils into a skinny middle-aged woman's lower back and buttocks. He has a stonking erection but a deep frown creases his face as the anticipation of Goebels blowing his cock off with the small Luger he holds as he hides beneath the bed is becoming too much to bear.
(I helped save b3ta! Wasp Box like a nervous random stranger at a glory hole, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:11, archived)
# Meanwhile,
in the laundry basket, Martin Bormann is sniffing the dirty towels and making soft keening noises.
(I helped save b3ta! Smallbrainfield, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:26, archived)
# A woman
with tits and a man with a dick
(I helped save b3ta! XLVII .uk, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:14, archived)
# Draw Moggy to the board? She'll be arriving in three, two ...
She always arrives around the same time as you? Like your Jack Lemon btw
(I helped save b3ta! Q4nobody, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:22, archived)
# Thor showing off his mighty hammer to some valhalla babes
(I helped save b3ta! Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:25, archived)
# where's me bouncy tit castle?
(I helped save b3ta! skullbuggery uh huh! kissed a cow!, Thu 8 Mar 2012, 14:50, archived)