so you want to shove a 1 (one) lb. block of butter up your ass, but your hole is too tight.what do you do? first off, don't bother with the crudeness of dildos, butt plugs or anal beads. they're clearly just for sex perverts and other similar delinquents. you're a wholesome person with a healthy interest in broadening your horizons and pleasurable physical sensations. now that you are emotionally ready, go buy several sticks of butter and refrigerate them so they're cold enough to hold their shape. don't freeze them, though, that will
just cause you to cramp up when you're inserting. ideally your fridge should cool food to just about 2 degrees celsius (35.6 degrees fahrenheit) and no warmer. should your butter be any warmer than this, it will melt too easily and become unfortunately pliable mid-insertion - it may also allow bacteria to grow, and you do not want to introduce foreign butter bacteria from some filthy dairy into your private ass-regions (trust me). normal adult humans with no history of rectal play (and who have not been torn asunder by pinking shears or rape-ists) should be able to accomodate 1 (one) stick of butter fairly easily. if you cannot, it is recommended that you relax, concentrate on deep-breathing exercises (links can be provided should you need advice here) and shove a little harder than at first seems polite.
so, now that the ever-warming stick of butter has been introduced (how do you do!), you may be curious about how to prevent yourself from 'swallowing' it whole. without buying or manufacturing yourself (this would require smelting, and you're a beginner) some exotic, expensive piece of technology, your options are handy sugar tongs or dangerously long finger-nails. needless to say, neither are proper here. clearly the best option is just to let go and allow your body to take in the butterstick - it will certainly not harm you and regularly slides out again on its own with just a little pelvic prompting from you. no fuss, no need to worry if it all just melts away to a pleasant yellow internal sunrise.
see how easy 1 (one) stick can be? you may not believe it now, but 2 (two) sticks go in almost as easily. most basic cookbooks have simple and effective recipes for conjoining two sticks of butter (see how normal this all is?) so we won't repeat them here. after a week or so of single-stick insertion, it's time to insert the double-stick. there will be some minor adjustment for a few moments as the rather more rectangular 'head' broaches your anal pucker, but your body heat and natural shape will quickly encourage that familiar bullet shape to which you've grown accustomed. the added girth of the double-stick is sure to please, and many happy nights await you once you've made this small progression.
of course you'll now recall our initial project, and wonder how to advance to 4 (four) sticks, or the solid 1 (one) lb. block. easy-peasy, really. after double-stick is de rigeur, use the same bonding methods to co-mingle three individual sticks together and follow the same steps as used in double-stick. at this point, allow your body to enjoy the stimulus of triple-stick for some time, both because the move to solid 1 (one) lb. block is significant physiologically and emotionally, and because you deserve to leisurely and extendedly anjoy your triple-stick triumph.
and now, you are ready for the 1 (one) lb. butter block. i highly recommend relaxing music and treating yourself to an entire home-spa day for this, complete with a good bottle of wine, clean, soft sheets and eliminating any threat of interruption by shutting off your telephone and posting a terse note on the door advising people that you are not accepting any callers. then lie back, the lights dimmed, and begin shoving that expensive treasure up your ass, and enjoy that work of art that is your life.
(just cause you to cramp up when you're inserting. ideally your fridge should cool food to just about 2 degrees celsius (35.6 degrees fahrenheit) and no warmer. should your butter be any warmer than this, it will melt too easily and become unfortunately pliable mid-insertion - it may also allow bacteria to grow, and you do not want to introduce foreign butter bacteria from some filthy dairy into your private ass-regions (trust me). normal adult humans with no history of rectal play (and who have not been torn asunder by pinking shears or rape-ists) should be able to accomodate 1 (one) stick of butter fairly easily. if you cannot, it is recommended that you relax, concentrate on deep-breathing exercises (links can be provided should you need advice here) and shove a little harder than at first seems polite.
so, now that the ever-warming stick of butter has been introduced (how do you do!), you may be curious about how to prevent yourself from 'swallowing' it whole. without buying or manufacturing yourself (this would require smelting, and you're a beginner) some exotic, expensive piece of technology, your options are handy sugar tongs or dangerously long finger-nails. needless to say, neither are proper here. clearly the best option is just to let go and allow your body to take in the butterstick - it will certainly not harm you and regularly slides out again on its own with just a little pelvic prompting from you. no fuss, no need to worry if it all just melts away to a pleasant yellow internal sunrise.
see how easy 1 (one) stick can be? you may not believe it now, but 2 (two) sticks go in almost as easily. most basic cookbooks have simple and effective recipes for conjoining two sticks of butter (see how normal this all is?) so we won't repeat them here. after a week or so of single-stick insertion, it's time to insert the double-stick. there will be some minor adjustment for a few moments as the rather more rectangular 'head' broaches your anal pucker, but your body heat and natural shape will quickly encourage that familiar bullet shape to which you've grown accustomed. the added girth of the double-stick is sure to please, and many happy nights await you once you've made this small progression.
of course you'll now recall our initial project, and wonder how to advance to 4 (four) sticks, or the solid 1 (one) lb. block. easy-peasy, really. after double-stick is de rigeur, use the same bonding methods to co-mingle three individual sticks together and follow the same steps as used in double-stick. at this point, allow your body to enjoy the stimulus of triple-stick for some time, both because the move to solid 1 (one) lb. block is significant physiologically and emotionally, and because you deserve to leisurely and extendedly anjoy your triple-stick triumph.
and now, you are ready for the 1 (one) lb. butter block. i highly recommend relaxing music and treating yourself to an entire home-spa day for this, complete with a good bottle of wine, clean, soft sheets and eliminating any threat of interruption by shutting off your telephone and posting a terse note on the door advising people that you are not accepting any callers. then lie back, the lights dimmed, and begin shoving that expensive treasure up your ass, and enjoy that work of art that is your life.
postbear has metal knees,
Sun 9 Nov 2008, 6:21,
archived)
*Agogs ...but what does it all mean?
(
Hummel Who died and made you....oh wait....,
Sun 9 Nov 2008, 6:25,
archived)
you're a nut, you're crazy in the coconut.(
postbear has metal knees,
Sun 9 Nov 2008, 6:30,
archived)
he was hit by a bird, a butterbird.thank you.
( postbear has metal knees,
Sun 9 Nov 2008, 6:31,
archived)
Hahaha!Mind you, I may as well as shoved it up my arse for all the good this did me.
(
Sea Tramp the thinking woman's 8 Ace,
Sun 9 Nov 2008, 6:46,
archived)
i was going to mention lemon and herb butter too, but if people inundate me with requests, i'll update this. postbear has metal knees,
Sun 9 Nov 2008, 6:49,
archived)
you expect me to read all that......jeeeze... what a windbag!
(
atomic A-bomb-a-nation,
Sun 9 Nov 2008, 7:55,
archived)
yes, i expect you to read all that. it is vital lore. postbear has metal knees,
Sun 9 Nov 2008, 7:58,
archived)
you sick fucker......i just threw away all my butter!
( atomic A-bomb-a-nation,
Sun 9 Nov 2008, 8:04,
archived)
That is some practical information if ever I've seen some
mediocre ha ha ha, you're reading this,
Sun 9 Nov 2008, 7:56,
archived)
i'm a public butter insertion utility these days. postbear has metal knees,
Sun 9 Nov 2008, 7:59,
archived)
