My old mum and dad, RIP - a repost.
My old mum and dad are sadly no longer with us, but this is one of my favourite stories involving them.

I used to live in a tenament flat in Edinburgh. A big solid looking building, but sadly the walls between flats could have done with an awful lot more insulation - especially between the bedrooms, if you get my drift.

My next door neighbour seemed a pleasant enough girl. I didn't see too much of her, but she always said hello on the stairs. However, she started seeing a guy who was a bit of a prick. He'd double park his car if he couldn't park within 5 yards (literally) of the front door, played loud music at all hours of the night, slammed the front door as he went in and out of the flat - you get the idea. The loud humping, initially anyway, was slightly entertaining. Every night for a fortnight was getting a bit much - especially as he seemed to work shifts and 5:45am on a Tuesday morning seemed a popular time for making my lightshade swing with their energetic pummelling.

My mum and dad were coming up to see me one weekend. They were going to have my bed for the night, and I was going to kip on my living room floor. I'm sure you can see where this is heading.

I hoped to Christ that she'd have the painters in that weekend, but I had to prepare for the worst.

Sunday morning arrived, and my mum came through to the living room.

[important point: my mum was always quite naive regarding 'downstairs' business]

'Sleep ok mum?' I enquired.

'Not bad son, but I was woken up by a heck of a racket at one point.'

'Oh, really?', I enquired, cacking it slightly.

'Yes, I heard a baby crying really loudly, and lots of banging - like someone running up and down the stairs. I haven't a clue what was going on.'

At that point, my old man appears.

'Hi dad, sleep ok?' I ventured.

'Not really, that pair next door were at it like a pair of friggin rabbits all night. Does the girl ever sleep? She must walk like a cowboy.'

A mouthful of coffee squirted up my nose.

Mum didn't have a clue what he was on about. To the day she died, I don't think she ever twigged what the 'crying baby' noises really were.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 8 Jun 2016, 14:48, 15 replies)

Aw bless

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 8 Jun 2016, 14:50, closed)

Were you adopted?

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 8 Jun 2016, 17:29, closed)

I'm fairly sure that I wasn't
But my sister does insist that I was an accident. Hard to verify her claims now, of course.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 9 Jun 2016, 11:27, closed)

It is a shame you never got to know your mother.
Well, either that or this is boring and bullshit.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 9 Jun 2016, 18:46, closed)

How delightfully judgemental of you
Perhaps you should try the Daily Mail comments section instead?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 10 Jun 2016, 10:36, closed)

Clue is in what you call her "your mother".
For fuck's sake any woman who has given birth twice and knows anything at all about sex knows how these things work.
So I am sorry that you didn't know your mother had a sense of humour and knew these things.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 10 Jun 2016, 18:29, closed)

My goodness, aren't you clever? Making all these snap judgements on people that you've never met.
Or perhaps you're just a massive bellend.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 13 Jun 2016, 9:28, closed)

Unless you've been living a a fucking cave I know you know what sex is.
I'm sure you'll come up with "but my mother has alzheimer's..." but you're talking shit or you're very naïve.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Mon 13 Jun 2016, 19:00, closed)

What on earth are you on about now?
My mum died of a heart attack. She once naively mistook the sounds of next door's sexual shenanigans as a baby crying. No need to piss your pants about it M8.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 14 Jun 2016, 10:04, closed)

It's funny because your dad was clearly shagging about and your mum was a frigid idiot.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 11 Jun 2016, 9:41, closed)

I refer the right honourable fucknugget to the response I gave *up there*

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 13 Jun 2016, 9:31, closed)