Bloke at work makes those cheap chinese noodles from a packet
He cracks them into a bowl, sprinkles on the powder and the meagre drops of flavouring oil, then adds water from the kettle. He gingerly picks up the piping hot bowl from the office kitchen and carries it carefully, like a newborn babe, to his desk.

What follows next is the revolting cacophony of a drowning pig.

SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP. SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP. SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP as he shovels the cheapest of meals into his puckered mouth.

After three mouthfuls, the steam and chili oil will have made his nose run.

SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP. SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP. HHHRRROOOOINK as he sniffs the nasal mucus back down his throat.

SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP.
HHHRRROOOOINK.
SSSHHHHLLURRRRRPP.
HHHRRROOOOINK.
KLATTERKLATTERKLATTER goes the metal spoon, scraping gracelessly against the bottom of the bowl as he scoops up the last powdery water and noodle fragments.

MMMTAAHHHH! he'll exclaim, smacking his lips loudly in satisfaction at such a flavoursome meal. By which time, the entire office is glaring daggers at him. Every. Fucking. Day.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 8:56, 11 replies)

aggers
Glaring aggers.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 9:07, closed)

You're another one that I assumed mostly worked from home.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 9:20, closed)

I do for the most part
but every time I have to go in, this happens, and my colleagues tell me it's a daily occurence. I witnessed it yesterday in all its Golden Chicken glory
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 9:23, closed)

Well I fucking hate the bloke too now.

( Pig Bodine., Fri 18 Mar 2016, 11:00, closed)

Grim
I used to work with a woman who'd eat pilchards straight from the tin, with her fingers, making slurping noises.
(Porcupine, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 11:38, closed)

I share a break room
with a call centre staffed by 20 somethings.
Why do they all carry kitchen timers and eat tins of tuna while updating fakebook.
(Captain Ignorant what does this button do..., Wed 23 Mar 2016, 10:39, closed)

Winner already
Cunt opposite me sounds like daisy the cow and seems to pick things that make the most noise.
(LetsGetDownToIt, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 12:10, closed)

Does he also drink tea?
Chap behind me slurps like he's in training for the teolympics. It has come to the point where if I am sat at my desk and I see him coming in, it's on with the over-ear headphones. Sorted.

It's even better when the tea is cold. Yes, he drinks cold tea, he is even known to put salt in it (WTF?). Anyway, he takes a massive gulp and stridgles it around his mouth and through his teeth with a loud WUCH-WUCH-WUCH-WUCH NOISE.

Apart from that he's a top bloke, salt of the earth.
(mersault, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 12:29, closed)

If you post this as a separate thread, we can all wince at the noise
I'll click "like" too
(Porcupine, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 12:47, closed)

Once I shared a tram carriage with a guy and his can of Diet Coke.
His method of enjoying his beverage was as follows:

1. Suck a mouthful of Diet Coke furiously through his teeth, making sure to take in at least twice as much air as Diet Coke every time.
2. Swish it around his mouth like sugar-laden, fizzy mouthwash.
3. Gargle incredibly loudly for at least four seconds before swallowing.
4. Remain cheerfully oblivious to the entire rest of the carriage staring at him in mocking hilarity.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 18 Mar 2016, 16:48, closed)

Stupid question...
But why are the whole office suffering someone who is clearly being unsociable? Someone needs to man up and tell him he is being a disgusting git and should either learn to eat in a civilised manner, or eat elsewhere.
( Batter Pudding Hurler is a figment of your imagination, Sat 19 Mar 2016, 14:56, closed)